WHY DID THE CHICKEN TRY TO SWIM ACROSS THE ROAD?

When will some good upstanding citizens of Linton ever learn that alcohol in cooking is far less dangerous than having too much of it prior to preparing dinner?

Recently it came to our attention that this resident, normally well known for their culinary achievements, went home after enjoying the pub to cook dinner. They removed some large battered pieces of fish from a carton and dropped them carefully into the deep fryer. Stand by. Fish is cooked in minutes.

Cook, think, test and wait a few more minutes. Careful now, you can’t let fish cook for too long. Test. Then continue to cook, and twiddle with the temperature. Test. Still not cooked. Turn up the heat. Twiddle, question your methodology, look for packet to check instructions.

What is the picture of a chicken doing on the side of a fish dinner box? Chicken?

Remove well cooked chicken and enjoy.

GET OFF YOUR KNEES BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE

When it’’s our turn to elect a new Government it might be worthwhile keeping in mind what religious beliefs their esteemed leader may have while voting for it is those beliefs that will strengthen our Nanny State.

Take our present leader. An atheist living in sin who believes strongly in the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman? It’s just as believable as not introducing a carbon tax and not stabbing independent politicians in the back. Don’t get us wrong - at the Astonisher we are all good socialist lefties - we believe in fair and balanced reporting just as long as there is more weight on the left of the scales than their appears to be.

For example this is what Mitt Romney believes - so relax for at least four years……

EXTRACTS FROM STUDIES OF THE WORDS OF JOSEPH BROWN

(Founder of the Church of Latter Day Saints)

My soul delighteth in the words of Isaiah.--2 Nephi 25:5

Wherever he found his speech growing too modern - which was about every sentence or two - he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as 'exceeding sore,' 'and it came to pass,' etc., and made things satisfactory again. 'And it came to pass' was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet. -- Mark Twain, Roughing It, Chapter 16

It only took Nephi and his family three days to travel from Jerusalem to the Red Sea. (A distance of 250 miles) 2:6

After cutting off Laban's head, Nephi puts on Laban's clothes, and speaks to his servant "in the voice of Laban." The servant is fooled into thinking Nephi is his master. 4:19-21

Laban's servant figured Nephi was Laban and that he spoke for the church. What church? The Jews in 600 BCE didn't have churches did they? 4:26

It must have been an exceedingly good costume! Even Nephi's brothers thought he was Laban (because he was wearing Laban's clothes). 4:28

"The plates ... I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called the plates of Nephi, after mine own name; and these plates also are called the plates of Nephi." Okay, I guess we'll call them the plates of Nephi. 9:2

The Nephites were "white and exceedingly fair." 13:15

(The Native Americans are the decedents of those "who dwindled in unbelief." As a punishment for their disbelief, their skin was darkened and they became "a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations." 12:22-23.

After 1965 the Elders had a ‘Revelation’ that this was indeed a falsehood visited upon the Church by the Devil. Because of U.S Anti-race laws the Church suddenly permitted ‘other races’ to join.)

A round brass ball "of curious workmanship" leads Lehi through the wilderness. A compass, perhaps? But compasses didn't exist in 600 BCE 16:10, 16

Nephi breaks his bow, "which was made of fine steel." But the technology for making steel did not exist in 600 BCE. 16:18

God told Lehi to look at the brass ball and read the words written upon it. And when he read the words "he did fear and tremble exceedingly." 16:26

The pointers on the ball work according to the faith of its user. And the words written on the ball change according to the faith of its user. So Nephi found his way to the top of the mountain by following the instructions that were written on the ball. 16:30

God "sent fiery flying serpents" to bite people. 17:41

In building the boat, "We did work timbers of curious workmanship." 18:1

Lehi and company didn't have to cook their food because God made it taste good raw. 17:12

Conclusion: If you want to have an even longer laugh visit the Website:

www.http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/BOM/int/long.html

AND SO IT CAME TO PASS THAT THIS ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN EXCEEDINGLY SMALL - JUST LIKE THE BIBLE - BECAUSE JESUS WAS REALLY AN OPTOMOTRIST NOT A CARPENTER.

To borrow a phrase from God Gough

“WELL MIGHT WE SAY

GOD SAVED AMERICA”

THE YOUTH IN ASIA COLUMN

‘for old people planning to go somewhere else’

Working in conjunction with ‘Vegans ‘R’ Us’ a startling new ’crazy’ cigarette plan has been devised by the Medical Lobby to foist upon us yet again another unworkable solution which the Department of Stupidity is about to introduce into State Parliament.

Historically prior to 1965 this Department was responsible to ensure that anyone who successfully committed suicide could face up to 2 years imprisonment, and as recently as 1900 was actually considered so serious that you could face the Death Penalty. In the United States you even had to be proven healthy before you could be put to death.

Since the creation of Solicitors and the Black Death whenever a law has been invented to protect one person it has caused disadvantage to ten others. As a result we have Law Books so convoluted and complicated to sort the mess out that it can take teams of lawyers years just to interpret them. For example the unravelling and interpretation of the Dead Sea Scrolls was done in half the time it took to work out what the Magna Carta really stood for.

Biofuels are a perfect example of one disadvantaging another. Metal-studded, dreadlocked Vegans who look like they’ve been dressed by austistic Chimpanzees have been developing alternative fuels from Corn. The result has been huge price increases and shortages in the supply of corn and maize products. So that one ’environmentally conscious wanker’ can run his car ten kilometres on creamed corn it has meant the potential starvation of ten African children. Like the myth that electric cars don’t pollute, the reality of alternative fuels results in the poor getting poorer as the clawing of fossil fuels from the ground with bare hands provides less and less income. Gina Reinhardt even wants more bare hands to claw her ores from our soil at the rate of ten Caraway seeds to the ton. (I’m not sure that Rich Fat Sluts even know what a Caraway seed is?)

But we were meant to be chiselling about cigarettes. One reason why the tax rate for everyone has risen over the last two decades has been because of the falling revenue from fags. When the government speaks of widening the tax base what they really mean is that revenues from Cigarette Taxes are falling away and they have to raise their salary from somewhere So my argument is that by creating a law that reduces the tax being paid by smokers around ten other Australians who don’t smoke have to take up the slack. Even though the health system may be over-burdened by cancer patients it is those same cancer patients who funded the hospitals in the first place.

And what about the promoters of democracy and freedom, the right to choose and God’s gift of free willy. Democracy means government by the people, not the non-smokers, by the electorate not the religious fanatics, but by the good and the bad, the sane and the mad, the smokers and drinkers and even the fornicators. We all want the right to live and in the future also the right to die. So if we want to live by smoking we should be allowed to die by cancer.

And what about the bans. If we ban smoking we unleash another Al Capone. If we can’t get smokes we will enrich the blackmarket and the Mafia. The cigarette manufactures have al;eady said that they want prohibiton of cigarettes brought on and admitted their profits would double within the year. Prohibition in the United States brought on organised crime with a vengeance, the United States involvement in Vietnam brought on massive drug addiction with even greater vengeance. Are we not all just latent adolescents waiting for someone to say something is bad to unleash that desire in all of us to be ‘naughty’.

What about tourism, the government wants it, but how many smokers will visit when their smokes are confiscated at the airport. At least 75% of Asians smoke and they are our tourist future, or will we like Crown Casino, permit visitors to smoke but not our own citizens. A Smoking Visa?

Like sport and drugs where there is money there is corruption. NSW has a 200 year history of being naughty

Premier Bob Askin or Judge Murray Farquar or entrepreneur Alan Bond all got caught with their fingers in the till.The cost of maintaining law, already more than the cost of crime, will escalate even further and the general taxpayer, you and I, will cop the entire bill for all this stupidity.

Banning cigarettes will lead to a bad case of cancer for the whole country. Will all states agree, like gun laws, like railway lines, like computerised ticket devices.

We already have a cancer in our governments at all levels what about banning them to save our own health? Our health experts seem to have forgotten that smoking raw marijuana is seven times more like to cause cancer?

Tobacco will be illegal but soon marijuana will be legal you can’t smoke a pipe but you can smoke a toke? Something tells me there is going to be a surge in sales for tweezers and cigarette cases.

Earl Grey