MAXINES FINALE

(and she is still alive)

Last month I took a deliberate break so as to force the rest of my Editorial Team? to step up to the keyboard and not leave it all to me?

In the last issue Bob made a credible go at telling us all about the RSSS. Since I gave Maxine access to email and a Tom Hanks big button keyboard that fits her hooves she has been getting a little political and I don’t quite trust her to type intelligent. It is even worse? with other members of the flock? some of them can’t be trusted to even eat their fruit salad? For example I don’t let Betty anywhere near the keyboard since I caught her copying articles from the internet? And sending them to the Linton Ewes? She has always dreamed of winning that great American? Award for writing ‘The Pullover Prize’?

Then I found Roast playing Twister? with Casserole on it yesterday and I’ve just discovered Butch, with his sick sense of humour, has been sneaking a hoof in to my keyboard and tapping the question mark? every now? and then? Please pause your reading for a moment?

(This paragraph has been censored so as to protect the squeamish)

Now that I have restocked the freezer with lamb I'll continue my story. The flock have continued their ‘apartheit’ program against strangers like ‘Hayu’. They all give chase to him and not let him near any of the good bits I feed them. Brussel Sprouts last night. I still have to feed him separate to the others even though he’s more than 6 months old, and since I collected him from the neighbours after the big blow he has become a bit more assertive and the foot stamping now appears to be directed solely toward me.

For weeks Max has been trying to solve the problem and had been gathering the flock down by the dam, heads together, mumbling to one another. As soon as I approached them they break up and go off in different directions feigning interest in little tufts of grass.

It appears that she has being trying to convince the others that sheep with white faces or black fleece are just as good as those with black faces and white fleece. Of course she over-reacts to everything in her usual way and sets out to upset all the others in the paddock with her socialist ideals. Maxine has been hand-reared you see and she thinks that it puts her a bit above the proletariat.

Xenophobia, apartheid and racism have always been a pet subject with her especially among all the other pets, and she is constantly on the lookout for bullies or any sign of social exclusion that may be developing in her local community. I can’t recall how many placards I’ve had to paint for her to carry around but I definitely draw the line at allowing her to picket the Premiers office.

And now for something completely different. There is something that I have wanted to discuss for a long time and I don’t have much space left. Seeing that in past stories we had broken the ice with the subject of sex, I feel that we can now talk about other bodily functions. Especially since the vegetarians have been driving me mad with their constant TV advertising about saving the world by stopping animals from breaking wind. Are there such things as ‘pet corks’ for cats and dogs?

I know it’s a really odd note to end on but then who said anything about me being normal in the first place.

Did you know that Alpacas have a preference to stand steady and let loose only in certain spots. They may be only fifty metres apart but their little dung heaps present the picture of a more orderly animal, even if one of the poo stations they have chosen is in the middle of the driveway. But it’s really easy to shovel up and deliver to the compost heap or liquidising bin.

Horses and cattle are even more polite, at least they will raise their tail to signal you to stand clear, not that they always give you much time. Sheep on the other hand, probably so they don’t waste time thinking will leave their little pellets anywhere and they can even do it while still walking.

Well I suppose that’s as far as I can go for the moment, it’s as far as I have gone in my ‘tree change’, the house is still not complete but that’s another long story, and I’ve only just got the electricity connected but I am now able to sit down on a flushing toilet. I could never accept the idea that, like sheep, you could do it while still walking.

This is, for the moment, the last in this series “The Adventures of Maxine’ but be assured that she will be back bigger, better and of course ‘super-sized’. Next year I hand over to another contributor for this space.

GODFREY ZONE

HEY SCROOGE! IT'S CHRISTMAS

OR
‘How to shorten the Checkout queue.”

This is the time of year when the shops start getting crowded and you are nowhere near the end of your Christmas shopping list. Everywhere you go there are lines, queues, numbered tickets or sales clerks lazily checking out their hair if their a girl or sorting out their crutch if their a boy.

Here is a hint about how to get through the checkout quicker, or even how to get them to provide you with services before anyone else. It has everything to do with the right music. Christmas music, music with tinkling things and ringing things.

It works best with a basket, not so well with a trolley. First approach the checkout and select the shortest queue if there is one. Maybe 15 people or less.

Stand in the shop where you can be clearly seen. At home you might want to go to the bedroom alone to rehearse this as you read it.

Stand straight at first clutching your shopping basket in the left hand. Now, lower the basket almost to the floor, this will give you a slight forward lean. Tuck your right arm to your chest as though you were holding a bottle of milk in your armpit or maybe pretend your doing the chicken dance.

Next raise your face toward the people in the queue in front of you. Twist your mouth to one side and start dribbling. Make sure you have a well-hunched back.

Now for the ‘piece-de-resistance’ slowly, almost like a whisper and repeating the mantra each time getting louder, let the saliva drip from your lips while at the same time crying out demonically ‘the bells, the bells, the bloody bells’

Now as you shuffle your way towards the cashier, it’s amazing how quickly people will stand aside for you and let you get through the checkout process in record time.

If you have a trolley you need to vary the shuffle to include pushing it along with your knuckles or kicking it forward with your foot.

With appropriate music it will also work a treat at Centrelink or your Bank. It is however NOT recommended to do it anywhere that disability or mental services are provided.

MAY WE WISH ALL OUR READERS A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A JOYOUS NEW YEAR.

WITH ALL OUR LOVE

Maxine Suffolk, Robert Le Billdeux, Mary, Betty and Butch Lamb, Casserole, Roast, Kebab, Panchen and Dali.

PLEASE EXPLAIN

The Arabs who demonstrate against the west and want to destroy America -

WEARING GAP T-SHIRTS AND NIKE TRAINERS

So called Australians complaining about how many Chinese there are -

WHILE EATING TAKE-AWAY SWEET AND SOUR CHICKEN

Why do signs in the back of cars that say ‘Baby On Board’ not add the words -

AND SAFELY NAILED TO IT

THIS MONTHS STUPID IDEA

Why don’t we install speed limiters on cars for certain drivers rather than put speed limits on all cars.

For example-
Red P – Engines limited to 80K/hr
Green P – Engines limited to 100K/hr
If the maximum speed in any state is 110K/hr then why not have limiters on all cars to 140 K/h. I suggest the extra 30Kph so that the Police can still raise some revenue from motorists exceeding the speed limits.

Maybe to slow people down and visit lovely Linton that between the Police Station and the Post Office we have a speed limit of 3Kmh. That would be slow enough for the Grocer to employ someone to sell goodies literally door to door and save the Pub putting in a drive-through Bottle Shop.

THIS MONTHS SOMEONE ELSE SAID

“TITLES ARE TINSEL, POWER A CORRUPTOR, GLORY A BUBBLE AND EXCESSIVE WEALTH A LIBEL ON ITS POSSESSOR.”

Percy Byshe Shelley, Declaration of Rights, 1812.