IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A COMMENT?

I know there are literally thousands of  religious fanatics out there (primarily American)  who object to anyone thinking beyond the pages of the bible, and who themselves are incapable of thinking at all.
If you want to leave comments then please keep them civil. I welcome sane and rerasonable criticism not just deep south 'cussing' as a result I have deleted your comments.

I don't think the word 'fuck' should be used by anyone who calls themselves Christian.

It's stupid, close minded, fundamentalists of all persuasions who have killed more people in this world than the rest of the planet put together. Stop believing in fictional characters like Batman, Superman and God and get yourself a life - OR A SENSE OF HUMOUR.

MARIA AND THE BABY

Hi!...is that Centrelink? ….Ok…...I'm Maria....Maria Ave ….My man and I was wandering if we could get more dough from ya. Cause now I got a kid …………. My story? ……. Well.

Well, you see I'm.......like ...still a virgin yeah?......and like Joe and I spent the night... get this ....get this.... in a garage........a garage yeah! .... and like.... it was real smelly.......Yeah like the Pub was a mess yeah, all full of drunks ... and like loose women popping in and out of the bedrooms...... so I'm thinking I'm not a loose woman like them, well...not quiet as loose anyway, you hear what I'm saying.

So they said if you want a kip then you better use the garage right. They're right quiet for sleeping  yeah …. except for the farting of the ass. They said me and Joe can kip in the straw. Then all the locals in the bar … they insulted me ….. Oooooooh! What a fat belly you got there honey they said. I was pissed off and just gave them the finger….just like that.

But we ain't done it you know....Joe...like he can't get it up....so we ain't done it yet...you hear what I'm sayin, Well that's what Joe thinks anyway....He don't know it but I done it wif the Dairy fella down at Rokewood.

I met Joe a few months later...he was giving us a amazing technicolour yawn outside the Railway Hotel… right?.... he was barfing up everywhere......like....gross? But I still fell in love with him ....the ninth time this year yeah....I fell in love ... like real love yeah ...the kind that'll last for months....

Well I thought I just had a bad case of the wind. The baby … yes a baby I tell ya …..it just popped out....just like that...all pink and wrinkled, but....get this....it kinder glowed...yeah Here what I'm saying ...it glowed.

Joe wanted to call him 'Edam' like God's first effort at producing something with a penis. Mum would want to call him Cecil and Dad likes the name Bruce. Then Joe popped up with the name Cheeses! Cheeses? I hit him one...I did...planted one right on Joe's forehead with me fist.....did he look surprised or what? Maybe he guessed the seeds didn’t come from Monsanto.

You can’t name things I said. Don't you remember you're a dumb ass .....you stupid boy.......the first thing you told me was you believed in 'Dog' right.....dog?........so your not doing any naming around here. Anyway Joe persuaded me that it should stay at Cheeses and that's how its going to stay, do you know I still got that black eye….eh!

Cheeses?... what sort of name is that? ....Joe your a spaz I told him. Fancy having to go through life with a name like that. So hows I doin’. You got enough information for getting me some more dole money?

Witnesses? You want witnesses? Well…..

Now get this …into the garage burst these three guys in fancy dress …. We find out later they’d just escaped from an insane asylum all suffering from ’grand illusions’ or something like that. They was thinking themselves to be three kings .... three wise men....three magi .... from the East. yeah....like where the sun sets. Genghis Kahn, Emperor Xi and a little fat guy who called himself Chairman Mao? Like they had these three daggy gifts they brung from China right. Real cheap crap.

The first looked like a box of marijuana resin he called 'Frankincense' or some shit like that. The second idiot ... he had like... a jar of honey.....he reckoned it was 'Mer' I think he said anyway....... don't stop me now .....right . Well this silly prick had a jar of honey didn't he....Duh! Well the third guy took the cake.

He was the worst nutter of them all, he had a spiff bag wif gold dust init right....but it weren't gold dust were it...it was Gold Xmas Card glitter...... gold glitter! .... what a twat he was. So there was my baby surrounded by resin, honey and xmas glitter....like...sad it was......It looked more like something out of a book by the Brothers Grimm.

In fact someone is writing a book about it. They like took all these unfounded allegations called Testaments..... just like you make with the pigs before they take you to court..........you follow?..... Testamenting in the witness box.

Well they copied all of these testaments.....from the witnesses like.....in a ‘Holly Bibble' or summit like that. The Holly bit ....I think means.... that when you get married they hold the book over your head and you kiss for the first time. Just like the Holly you hang over the front door so  you can get to suck on the face of everyone who comes through the door....right

So this Bibble has all these Testaments in it, but instead of Chapters they called them 'Books' and told the same story over and over ....... like .... according to someone else....... it was like several witnesses telling different stories about the same car accident .... right...you follow?

Like there's Peter and Paul and Mary in this book ...so I'm told, except they're three guys right, like few people know that yeah....like my Mum told me that Mary used to be Max Magdalene...... before he had his thingy cut off and a coin slot inserted in its place. So the Bibble doesn't talk about Peter, Paul and Max...you hear what I'm saying. Didn’t they right a song about poofs and a  magic dragon?

So this book is like something a lot of people read...but I'm not into reading.. yeah....I'm like into iPods and things so I'm going to wait for the MP3 version to find out what they're saying about me...right....and if it ain't right I gonna sue their asses off.....you hear what I'm saying.

I’m sick of bangin’ on about Cheeses for today. Just tell me if I got the extra money or not….. I really need it … my dru…, my friend wants to give him some money for summit I bought from him like ...a week ago.

But that’s not the end of the story. Maybe in thirty-three years I’ll ring you again and spin you the yarn of how Cheeses went and learned flyin’ and how the Pilots took Cheeses off to Kings Cross and we never saw for him three days.

So I’ll end here by wishin’ ya all, on behalf of Joe and Cheeses, Mao, Xi and Khan, and  everyone at Centrelink a Happy New Year and that goes for all you irreligious bastards at the Railway Hotel too.

Maria Ave

1882

“While I am opposed to all orthodox creeds, I have a creed myself; and my creed is this.

Happiness is the only good. The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here. The way to be happy is to make others so.

This creed is somewhat short, but it is long enough for this life, strong enough for this world. If there is another world, when we get there we can make another creed. But this creed certainly will do for this life.”

Robert G. Ingersoll

JUSTIN CASE - OUR HERO

We believe that there is nothing better than to stir up a Hornet’s Nest when the town slides back into its dull and dreary ambience. So here we go marching into the breach of controversy .....again.

Time after time we hear about the ‘Heroes’ in a society. Firstly what is a ‘Hero’? We am not about to give you the definitive answers but to throw in some ideas for you to mull over in your own mind, breast the bar and have a pot or three over a Pizza.

Is a hero someone who goes out of their way voluntarily to attend emergencies and help others? Maybe they are. The C.F.A, First Response and S.E.S along with other front line Volunteers may certainly come into this category. But what about the Ladies Auxiliaries, the Raffle Ticket Dealers and Badge Sellers all those behind the scenes without whom the front line would be unable to exist let alone operate. Are they Heroes?

Is a hero someone who gets paid to lay their life on the line?  Maybe they are. Police, professional Fire-fighters and Ambulance Paramedics. Are there levels of heroism between being paid and doing it for nothing? Is a hero a volunteer or are they conscripted?

If they were forced to carry a gun and kill are they a hero? If they risked life and limb to support those fighters are they heroes? If you kill an enemy soldier are you automatically a hero or just saving your own skin? If you come up against an enemy combatant and he kills you is he a Hero?

You hear a lot about men at war but you don’t hear as much about the women who fought the war. Maybe they weren’t in the firing line, but they were there treating the wounded and in WWII they were growing the food and helping shear the sheep, making the munitions, building fences and building defences. Are they, were they heroes? You constantly hear of Vietnam Veterans being referred to as ‘Men’ but we know of many women who ‘don’t speak of the war’ too.

What about the sportsmen that hang out their wilting dicks for admiration. Who slang off at each other and fix matches. Who get totally shit-faced on drugs and booze in public places. Should we be calling these yobboes heroes?

But we have another very important participant in this story. They didn’t know it at the time, they didn’t even think of it in that light. They did not volunteer nor were they conscripted they did not expect financial gain or to be worshipped although some will belatedly seek it.

We speak about those men and women who through no fault of their own end up in the right place at the right time and save someone or maybe many someone’s lives. Be it a car accident, a burning house, a mine collapse or an explosion. Do they think about being heroes or do they unthinkingly and automatically render assistance?

Statistics show that more innocent civilians have been involved in preventing terrorists from achieving ‘Paradise’ than all of the paid so-called ‘Security’ personnel. One may wonder sometimes why we even pay A.S.I.O and all the other professionals to prevent nothing. Then again if they do prevent something they can’t tell us that they did in the interest of security. In other words we can’t  know what we don’t know.

Finally, if we do save someone’s life, maybe it’s just a case of not being able to stand by and watch someone die if we can prevent it. If you’re stuck in the dark for a month with thirty other men and don’t end up strangling each other or maybe doing other things are you a hero or just experiencing the natural instinct to survive,

If a small baby falls into a swimming pool do we call out ‘kick your legs darling’. and watch them sink or do we jump in and haul them out? Someone is dangling by their fingers a hundred metres up the side a collapsed building. Do we yell out “Let go you bastard” or do we look for an inflatable jumping castle?

Let’s be honest everyone has the capacity to be a hero we just don’t know it ......yet.