HickRoads Acts Quickly

True to their word the State Department of Woads and Bwidges has acted upon a problem created recently by an errant vehicle running amuck and plunging into a Sussex Street house.

After contact with council we discovered that they were going to facilitate the installation of a safety device at the corner of Sussex and Clyde to reduce the damage from similar events.

If a vehicle hits the median strip at the trigger it will only take a micro-second to activate a large set of roller doors on the corner opposite.

Once raised a hand on a spring will pop out telling your car to stop immediately.

If it does not then the moment your vehicle hits the outstretched arm it will activate a giant airbag.

As we can’t let the bag off for a picture we have provided an artists impression of the outcome should a car hit the switch.

As with safety devices inside your vehicle Hickroads have been very inventive in designing a big outdoor airbag for motoring safety.

Hickroads ‘Going To Any Length To Impress At The Cheapest Price’

GO-SIP COLLUM

*** Latest vegetarian polls show that the incumbent Prime Minister Rabbit unchallenged by any ex-Goldman-Sachs millionaires is now less popular than Spinach. But that is not to say that Jug- Ears will be Dear Leader into the next election.

His habit of increasing fuel and decreasing Doctors payments by $5 (a co-payment by stealth) has not endeared him to anyone who needs to drive themselves to the doctor.

The propaganda coming from both sides about Australia being conquered by Muslim terrorists in leaky boats is creating great swathes of misinformation to wash over us like a Tsunami of Chinese Whispers. The misinformation and lies, not quite to the extent of throwing babies overboard, is stirring up an element of hatred not seen in Australia since World War 2.

We believe that our elected representatives in our democracy have been going down hill morally and uphill financially for the last twenty years at least. Not since the hey day of God Gough has any leader of Australia been surrounded by so much self-service and incompetence that we are just waiting for this governments Judy Morrosi to throw a spanner into the house.

*** At a State level questions have been raised in Victorian Parliament about the ramifications of the impending legalisation of gay marriage by the federal government in 2015. Australia has always trailed 12 months behind America’s instructions. Predictions are that one of the first moves by whichever government we elect will be addressing that anomaly in law. Obama has already sent the email instructing it be done.

Discussions around the matter in Spring Street this week brought to light several concerns about who will most likely be Australia’s first openly gay Governor-General. It was said that Bob Brown (ex-Greens) may be on the list, along with Alan Jones (Fascist Faggot) or maybe Jacqui Lambie (Army Dyke) to shut her up. What will be the protocol when two Queens meet on official occasions. More tellingly should the Victorian Government elect to have the same proportional representation as the electorate it governs and how are we going to select 17 good and true Gays for the States Lower House.

*** Historians have made representation to parliament regarding the misinformation about illegal migrants. They have pointed out that this country was invaded by boat people without valid Visa’s a couple of centuries ago so the latest arrivals are nothing new. Australia had no problems with migrants from Europe, as long as they were white Christians. But now the new arrivals are the same colour as the people we invaded, and God forbid because there are several Muslims, we suddenly get all het up about it. At best we are hypocrites at worst we are xenophobes. Back in the 70’s there was not a word of protest about the Vietnamese illegal boat people. Was that because they were Catholics?

*** All the politicians in this election are saying that we should ‘GO FORWARD’ what bloody moron would suggest otherwise?

*** Linton, forever ahead with community cohesiveness, is to get a new religious community group establishing its headquarters here. The Astonisher has been given exclusive heads-up advance news and exclusive details about “ TURN THE OTHER CHEEK’ a Christian Spanking Club are interested in purchasing the St. Paul’s Parish Hall.

*** There is no mention of Black Holes and other Solar Systems in either the new or old Testaments. These missives suggest that God created the Heavens and the Earth but did not mention of Jupiter, Mars or even poor defrocked Pluto. Scientists at the time worked out that the Stars were actually attached to a huge black background, the size of which was beyond human contemplation, that the Sun revolved around the Earth (which they suspected was flat) and just like modern day backward peoples still clinging to the fact that unless it was in the Bible could not believe anything until they saw it with their own eyes.

2065 THE YEAR THAT LINTON STOPPED STANDING STILL

(from Ellen Degenerate of News Very Limited)

Hoards of disgruntled rate-payers decided to picket the century old council and its even older chambers

Cries of 'maintain the rage' rang out through the crowd and a plea to remember November 11 from the leader of the mob.

‘It's not Kerr's Cur any more it's Curtin's Curtains’ screamed another referring to either an ancient hero or today’s mayor. ‘I rather like them’ said the woman next to him.

With council rates well above the national average of 10% of the value of your real estate a retired Accountant gave a cry from the heart 'shame, shame’ the Mayors not worth $30,000 a year in miscellaneous expenses and another 12 Grand in Sundry Watnots.

The Ball on the War Memorial was nearly toppled by one overzealous by-stander trying to get her hands around the Mayor’s throat.

Taxes, Fees, Levee’s, Surcharges and Compulsory Donations raised by Council for the delivery of services has angered some residents. With 94% going in wages, lurks, perks and investigations in Monte Carlo voters are demanding some form of explanation. The recent increases in water gathering fees (dependent on the length of your guttering) along with the new carbon tax if your driveway has covered up any potential flora growth has raised some concerns amongst residents of Linton.

Penny Yaw Wong explained “If you have more than 100 metres of guttering you are also required to have an additional water meter to measure the extra flow. Downpipes and underground lines are not included because they do not collect water but merely redirect it.”

He/She went on to say that “there was no truth in the rumour that 10% went to Pope Frank II for the Acts of God”.

The demonstrators finally broke up for a cup of tea and a little lay down before watching ‘Antique Roadshow’ being televised from the Recreation Centre.

THEY’VE FINALLY DONE IT

The Historical Society celebrated it's 65th anniversary by announcing the recent completion of the cataloguing of it's photo collection. The evening at the Letty Centre was marred by some adolescent upstart quite loudly querying 'what is a photograph?'

PLUMBER CRACKS

Not everything can be purchased over the internet despite the refrigerators encyclopaedic knowledge of food, recipes and what's on special at SWIGS (Safeway Woolworths Independent Grog Shops) although people have been known to asked the freezer ‘who won todays Lotto?’.

A resident discovered they could not get a plumber over the internet. “I had to phone one to come and check out my bidet which for some reason had increased its pressure and was now nailing my arse to the ceiling whenever I flushed.” Apparently plumbers have decided not to engage the internet because its powered by electricity and they have an active demarcation issue with the Electricians Union.

When repaired he presented his $4,740 account. After hearing the loud gasps of a customer having a heart attack he kindly deducted his callout fee of $400.

LOOKING FORWARD TO LINTON

The main news from Golden Floodplains Council this month is the final approval for a 24 hour Hamburger joint to be sited in Edinburgh Reserve.

A representative from ‘BURGER ME’ held a Press Conference straight after the decision was reached.

We are delighted to be able to provide an alternative to the Golden Arches at Happy Valium. For too long they have been the only fast-food outlet with the facilities to provide the village with caffeine, cholesterol, pigeon fat and pork belly chips within this Shire.

We are competitive on price and quality and nobody sells better shit than us.

LAST PUBLIC SPACE IS UP FOR GRABS

News that the Walt Disney Group are looking keenly towards the impending sale of the Linton Replica Railway Station with Replica Bikes and Historic Skate Boards has led some townsfolk to start putting up signs warning about the health hazards involved in exercise.

Riding on narrow planks of wood with ball-bearing wheels or careening across wooden trestles with two wheels between your legs is un-natural and can lead to someone falling over and skinning themselves.

Only last year two children fell over one of which ended up in hospital having a cast stapled on to his left arm. We cannot continue to allow our children to run around just having fun. Allowing them to use their imagination and to even invent imaginary friends is not how their brain should be employed.