FAMILY PLANNING FOR EVERYONE

‘‘THE WELL’

NESS CLINIC

The Well Ness Clinic would like to advise all the residents of GOLDEN PAINS that there has been such a demand for terminations that the waiting list has been extended to 10 months. We advise that you book early to avoid disappointment.

DOES LINTON NEED ELEVENTEEN COMMITTEES?

Ever since the arrival in town of Wilma Backert and her typewriter their seems to have been a broadside of correspondence to various groups and committees around the town with the main intention of creating dissention. Maybe she is attempting to divide and conquer this once close knit community and bringing us all under her autocratic rule.

The problem appears to be that only about 5% of the town care about the bloody place and are therefore becoming involved in several committees simultaneously. As a result we have heard of examples of the Secretary of one committee writing to the Secretary of another committee, upon which they are both the same person, and blatantly denying having received their own correspondence. Whilst this is a boon for a deprived postal service it has created an economic bubble in local mail delivery. One meeting it is said took more than five hours to get from Welcome to General Business. We did a breakdown of reports and minutes received from the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (ITBC) and found that:-

50% of time was taken up by matters arising from the minutes, 30% from the reading of correspondence, 15% by reports to the committee which had been discussed prior to the meeting, 10% discussing the latest town activity, the Miss Linton Titty Trophy often referred to as the Booby Prize, 8% by tea-breaks and pee-breaks and 5% by irrelevant interjections. Adding up to 118% this meant that everyone was very late getting home after negative discussions surrounding General Business. We checked out the sums with our Science Editor and he described it as a ‘Black Hole’

What are some of the other groups who cross each others paths on Sussex Street but don’t talk to each other and some of the matters they don’t discuss.

The Median Strip Playgroup (MSP) complaint about the C.F.A driving right through the middle of finger painting at the last callout. The Methane Reduction Group (MRG) writing to Golden Showers Council requesting a reduction in rates in return for their contributions to the Carbon Credit Contrivance (CCC). However the Council cited several unfortunate explosions of steers at Linton Park after the insertion of butt plugs and the cost of the beef collection.

The (name withheld) writes to the Progress Association (PA) in regard to the bench seat outside the Post Office (PO) being included in the Victorian Historical Register (VHR) and the exclusion of most of the towns historic churches.

Wilma has admitted writing to the Security Officer of the BBQ Subgroup from the Replica Railway Station Subcommittee which is part of the Linton Community Planning Group at the Golden Showers Council (BSGRRSSLCPGGSC) requesting that a heavy-duty security glass be added to the front of her shed to prevent her from being kidnapped or getting chilblains.

The Happy Valium Chamber of Commerce (HVCC) writes regularly to Linton Police Station (LPS)complaining about the Happy Clappy Church (HCC)seemingly getting far too happy about the Lord and the distinct possibility that it is not Hydrangeas being grown around the back of the toilets. The Happy Valium Progress Association (HVPA) has requested Council to reinforce the Happy Valley Schools (HVS) floor which may collapse if the Church attendees do not cease jumping up and down in such an exuberant manner.

Upsy Daisy, Secretary of the LPA has written to several groups asking them to refrain from requesting funds to buy their own barrows to push and sensibly suggesting that maybe they could share the one or two barrows already existing.

The Federation of Tracks (FAT) circulated a petition to permit the inclusion of barrows in the list of things that could be pushed along the Rail Trail and we finish with the Committee United for National Traditions and Services (C****)has requested that signage be placed at the five entrances to town saying that Linton has their support.

This is but a few examples of the maelstrom of mail that shoots back and forth over Sussex Street. We believe that the lack of numbers for working on committees, mainly due to the interminable talk but no action which bores everybody shitless, needs what in the private sector would be called a little ‘rationalisation’ by maybe either combining some groups or by everyone meeting on the same night in the same room and actually communicating with one another and to hold combined events according to resources and skills to break down the inexplicable historic barriers of parochialism in the best interest of the town.

We could start with the screaming minority joining with the silent majority in just one town activity and see where we go from there.

DEAR DIARY

MONDAY: Poor old Peppie has done his maths and has just asked me where two of his things have gone. The gender realignment surgery went very well except that he was not allowed to run for a week. We had only been home and hour or so when he saw a rabbit and that was the end of the ‘no running’ rule,

Having no longer use for his Cricket Box he wants me to advertise it on eBay and has also realised he has saved a lot of time washing and tending to them and he does have a nice new purse in which to carry his loose change.

TUESDAY: The rain has caused the grass to grow at such a rate that I have had to invest in yet another ride-on mower to blow-up. The last one got itself buggered driving into unexpected holes but I cut off its mower section and now use it like a very slow Dune Buggy around the property. Both of course were second hand and in my case it seemed to be a case of ‘Seller Beware’.

In Oklahoma and Happy Valium the grass is as high as a big goats eye. All I could see today was their backs floating along the horizon like clouds followed closely by the Alpacas appearing above the field heads held high like Loch Ness Monsters.

WEDNESDAY: It’s now the day before tomorrow and all through my house I’ve been searching for hours for one bloody mouse.

Yes the mouse plague has hit us yet again, at least at my place. Oh! The beauty of country life. Everybody else has been getting rid of them, but of course being a hoarder my 20ft Container has been filling up with fat Mickey’s indulging on rapidly depleting feed bins. Maybe I should have purchased a container twice the size to allow for my ever-expanding collection of de-motorised garden implements and homeless rodents.

THURSDAY: A neighbour suggested I really need to talk to an expert about the problems and gave me the name of a good Psychiatrist.

FRIDAY: Oh! Yes indeed the beauty of country life. People in the big smoke may wax lyrical about the neighbourhood in which they live but grey concrete has never appealed to my vibrant reds and blacks. The happy vista of grey skies blending with the city scenery and the even greyer city-folk around me would make me want to Paraglide from the tallest balcony without the ’Para’

Thank whatever deity you worship that I don’t have to rely on elevators beyond the ones that add an inch or two to my height.

The very thought of spending ten minutes rising and falling vertically in a coffin rather than horizontally on foot to my front gate and back for my mail is too tortuous to contemplate. What would I do if I couldn't smell horse shit, tread in goat droppings or watch Peppie crap on our daily ramble around the carport.

I was once asked during an assessment if I ever considered disposing of my soul prematurely after telling them of this contemplation. I replied ‘not before two things have happened’ and then went on to say ‘I’m out of this bloody office and I’ve spent all my superannuation’. Then as a final word I added that ‘anyone seriously contemplating an enforced taking of their last breath would not be stupid enough to tell anyone anyway.

SATURDAY: A nurse at St.John of God, exclaimed when seeing my weight on her doubtfully accurate machine that maybe I should get out and exercise more. Why don’t I buy a bike.

“Dear lady” I said, “ I am so far from decent civilisation that a car is a necessity. A bike ride just to Linton and back would be such a physically taxing hour that I’m afraid my heart would complain most violently, my legs wishing they could be detached and the dogs feet worn down to the extent that he would look more like a victim of thalidomide”.

Finally, to be healthy, I decided to consult my recipe books and watch healthy lifestyle shows on TV for exercise.

According to Gordon Ramsey, because he knows every f……..g thing we need to f….....g know, there is a f…....g cure.

1 Teaspoon of Birch leaves.

1 Teaspoon of Dandelion

1 Teaspoon of Hydrangea

Mix all the herbs, add boiling water and let simmer for a minute. Strain and drink two cups a day. Place the remaining gunk in the compost bin and ‘pray it doesn’t kill the worms’. (I added that bit after I tried it)

SUNDAY: Heavens to Betsy. Woke up this morning to the sound of animals acting the goat. On investigation I find I have another animal problem.

Timmay, the white one that impersonates dogs, had yet another psychotic episode. Now I have to get to the vet to find out what to do with a goat that has developed ‘Turette’s Syndrome’.

LINTON INQUIRY INTO CROP CIRCLES REACHES FINDINGS

From Police Reporter - Matt Recide

The local Police have released information regarding the mysterious ‘crop circles’ that appeared on a nearby property. After extensive investigations we are able to release those findings to the public.

Originally it was believed to have been the work of some local young upstarts out for a fun time and a bit of a hoon around. But after questioning it was discovered to be the work of a town personality that should have known better. The culprit who is closely linked to the building now occupied by Café 80 had apparently offered a Hotel Patron a lift home on a recent dark and gloomy night.

On entering the property the car slipped and slid a bit in the muck and the two men, getting excited, decided to exercise a few skids, doughnuts and burnouts. Naturally it was not long before their crop-circle adventure bottomed out the car. To make matters worse it was his partners vehicle and she (who shall remain un-named) was hastily called to the rescue in the bogged drivers own 4-wheel drive to tow them out of the situation.

On the last day of the inquiry one of the culprits appeared with his left arm in a sling. Apparently he had suffered a dislocated shoulder a short time later. He claims that it was caused by ‘just taking off my jumper’ but we believe, like walking into cupboard doors, there is something more sinister going on. Police will continue to keep a close eye on both miscreants for similar antics.