A MOMENT WITH MARY

As usual I went spilling over the columns edge again last month. So I’m having to continue my story about PETA in this issue. If you didn’t read the last one I’m not about to bring you up to speed, you’ll just have to grab The Astonisher more often.

You’ll recall that there will be 11 billion stories in Victoria just about sheep by 2025. We’ve discussed the problems with the sheep now we should look at some of the other issues confronting us if we all become Vegans. You’ve obviously seen the TV ads about all the noxious gases given off by animals including ourselves. What are we going to do as humans beyond inserting plugs similar to those we shove in our ears or maybe insert plastic tubes and collect all the methane for cooking and heating? Of course we might have a bit of an entanglement problem.

What are the consequences to plant life as we know it. Well, say goodbye to any plant under 110cm tall, except maybe bloody pine trees. The vegetable garden that you’ve been tending carefully with sheep poop will require some hefty fencing, no more little strips of plastic or upturned bottles, and of course give up any hope of a garden unless protected by steel girders that can hold back an elephant. PETA sees fencing them in as cruelty too, you can say ta-ta to national parks, botanical gardens and roadside flora of any significance. I don’t know if even Goats will eat Gorse.

Expect to drive very slowly through unruly mobs of sheep walking along our Expressways and increased tension between customers and sheep in the Supermarket car-park.

There will be a whole new meaning to ‘packing a trunk’, or ‘feeding the chooks’. Some sayings will quickly get you into strife like ’stone the crows’, ‘smacking the monkey’ or ‘I’ll go and stuff the Chicken’.

PETA have a principal and I respect that but they obviously don’t have any members who are mathematicians or they would see the ridiculous folly of their cause. I would love to hear from any vegetarian (vegan or not) to argue their case. Come on now someone out there must be upset with this article?

AND VEGANS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR JUST PLAIN CONDOMS EITHER.

'To that end, (contraception) Trojan makes latex condoms as well as ones made of biodegradable LAMBSKIN. Other brands offer a vegan variety that replaces the dairy product in latex condoms with cocoa powder. And no, they don't all taste like chocolate'.

Excerpt from an article in TIME (Oct 25,2009)

Adiós Mary Firstcross

A BIGGER OPENING THAN BEN HUR

The Astonisher attended the official opening and delayed breakfast of the Linton Replica Railway Station and Rural Pursuits Centre adjacent to the Linton Sporting Complex and the Bridge Over Non-existent Waters.

All three levels of government were present, those with lawyer black suits (one with sunglasses probably from A.S.I.O) along with a scraping from the Community Co-ordinators Group and a disparate cluster of delegates from the Historical Society. The event was of such major importance that even a representative of the towns Tradesmen was in attendance.

Much was said about this magnificent ‘Bike Station’ and the fact that it was decided to locate the Linton Replica in Linton. Mention was made of the half million spent on the project, which we hope was for all three projects in Linton, Rokewood and Teesdale as it seemed a bit excessive to this observer for just this complex alone. There is also some question as to the origin of the $10,000 contribution from the community considering that there are no groups in the community that could afford to be that generous. One might hazard a guess that maybe it was left-over ‘encouragement money’ from local political or corporate interests.

We noted that there was a comment from one of the speakers about how lovely it was to have so many of the towns children attending the event, and (despite it being School Holidays) suggested that they probably should have been at school.

Despite this rag giving the impression that the Precinct Project as a whole would be a ‘white ellingfant’ we must unequivocally retract any such suggestions to make a positive comment that since completion it has attracted a good spattering of tourists to our ‘One Stop With Shop’ at one of the towns entrances and we would also like to congratulate the Progress Association for not standing in the way of Progress.

The headline was generated by the reporter who was reminded of the film Ben Hur when some undersized stunt riders from Linton hurtled themselves around the dirt track to the applause of an appreciative audience. The skateboard display was marred a little by the fact that O.H & S has banned the use of skateboards in Shopping Centres and on Council property and some of the children had to be satisfied with running up and down the skateboard ramp just wearing their safety helmets. Despite several calls the Lady Mayor was not inclined to give the thumbs down to any of the participants in the ’Linton Arena Spectacular’.

BUTCH THE MARKETING GURU

DRESS AS CHINESE DIGGERS DAY.

For those who watch South Park you will remember the episode where they had to make sure everyone in the Frontier Theme Town ‘stayed in character’ regardless of the consequences. For those who don’t watch it because it’s a bit too ‘risqué’ you will be wandering what the hell I’m talking about. The theme of the show was that South Park Schoolchildren visit their local version of ‘Sovereign Hill’. While they are their they are held hostages by Terrorists and the the F.B.I and C.I.A are caled in to rescue them. Even with adults and children being slaughtered all around them by incompetant federal agents the staff and volunteers of the theme park stay in perfectly character and even ask about things not invented in 1860 - like telephones and wristwatches.

There should be some way that we can celebrate our Gold Mining Heritage and the unsung, extraordinary hard work of the Chinese in this areas history. So much is owed to these ‘diggers’ and ‘shop-keepers’ that we should respectfully demonstrate our willingness to recognise their work.

A day should be set aside once each year where all of the townsfolk of Linton, taking a leaf out of the Railway Social Club Dress-up Book, should deck ourselves out as any of the peoples of Asia but especially the Chinese and spend the day going about town in this attire. The important thing for the day would be for everyone to stay in character, and with all seriousness, refuse to understand any English being spoken by people passing through and Tourists. A shrug of the shouldesr would be a common answer to most questions by strangers.

Very little effort is required and not a lot of planning but like Red Nose Day and Blue Jeans Day and come in Mufti to work day, it has the psychological effect of putting ourselves in their shoes for just a little while and getting a little enjoyment from the experience.

Imagine when they got home all the travellers would be talking about this little townthey stopped at just outside Ballarat where they were astonished to find nobody spoke any English?

What a great learning experience too for the children from Linton Primary to participate.

更下个的月 Butch

FROM THE DESK OF ROLAND ALONG

Binge Drinking, Teenage Drinking, Public Drunkenness, Domestic Violence, Physical and Verbal Abuse are all known to be closely connected to the use and/or abuse of alcohol. So why do our elected officials hypocritically criticise the misuse of alcohol on one hand whilst making it increasingly easier to get on the other and then think that raising the drinking age will solve the problem.

Do you believe the advertising industry thinks of the negative impacts when promoting their products, of course not. Just as the car industry worries about pollution the breweries worry about drunks.

Holy Mother of Mary in some places you can even get a haircut while being able to get a drink. I doubt it will be very long before you can buy a Jim Beam at the Mc.Donald’s Drive-thru (sic) or the Churches install bars in the Parish Hall. When a Pole Dancer waves it in front of your face it’s hard to ignore and it’s the same with booze.

Oh! Dear we need a law to stop binge drinking but not one that stops kids from buying it. We need a law to prevent young people buying it but not one that prevents them from serving it. We need a law that stops people from drinking and driving but not driving with drink. Only the other day I was at the NQR checkout when a customer tried to buy alcohol and was refused. The Cashier was under the age of 18, and fearful either of us might have been with the Thought Police told the customer they would have to come back when someone older was manning the shop. The look I got from the other customer was that of total disbelief.

Once it was only ‘people of good character’ who were licensed to sell alcohol now it’s the unchecked and possibly under-aged operators of Aldi, Woolies, Coles and twenty dozen Bottle Shops who are allowed to shove it in your shopping bag.

We forget that children can access drugs and alcohol easier than they can access schools or training courses and unable to get one will go for the other, and lest we forget the era of ‘Prohibition in America’ when organised crime took off like an Atlas Rocket and is still out of control. And don’t get me onto the subject of C.I.A backed Heroine which flooded back into the United States with returning troops from Vietnam.

But is it just alcohol or a combination of alcohol and drugs? I believe illicit drugs are far more dangerous than alcohol will ever be, and a few pills popped with your Red Bull can be far more devastating than a bottle of Vodka. As cigarette smoking was reduced by education of the health effects and not by price so the same can be done for all manner of drugs whether they be prescription or not.

From an early age we are teaching our children to pop pills for all manner of health control or benefi and making it a positive activity. Our kids become so involved with pills that make you feel ‘better’ it is not a very big step to take before pills that make you feel ‘good’ are just as readily consumed without any thought of the consequences, after all Mummy gave me pills three times a day and they didn’t do me any harm.

Much of the problem of alcohol fuelled violence is with a combination of booze and drugs together, not just alcohol on its own.

In the end it is really drinking at home that is the problem. It’s not what is consumed it is where it is consumed. In the pub there is a certain amount of social and managerial control, step out of line and you soon get to know about it but in the privacy of the home it is unchecked open season for violence, abuse and assault with no social controls or supervision. Maybe it’s not drinking and driving that’s the real social problem but the home environment in which it is consumed.