THE WRAP AROUND CONCERT

From our Snake Valley Correspondent P. Ness

Ever since my brother Elliott and I were youngsters we have never failed to get excited over the prospect of watching young girls playing cello’s. If you combine this with your organ you are bound to end up giving a very woody performance. So it was with lasts months Organ Recital at the Uniting Church in Snake Valley. Although still called ‘Organs Of The Goldfields’ of the total of 23 different recitals in as many different venues only 14 actually involved an Organ at all. I worry that if this trend continues we may end up with ‘Lutes and Oboes of the Goldfields’.

It was intriguing to hear the ambience prior to the concert as the level of audience discussion rose up and down in unison with the organist rising up and down fiddling with his handkerchief, he certainly wasn’t mining for nuggets, but the symmetry of the sound rising and falling seemed more than coincidental.

Even though the Snake Valley venue has a wonderful instrument (the largest in rural Victoria) fully five minutes was spent between each composition with the Belgian organist Johan Hermans fiddling with his stops and starts and twiddling with his tremolo’s and swizzle sticks ) hardly more than a dozen keys were used in any piece. The arrangement of the Church, although ideal to observe the organ in action left a lot to be said about the positioning of the Cellist Fabienne Venien, level with the audience, and even though one could see the occasional waving of the bow above her head one could not see her lithe legs wrapped around the Cello making passionate music. Someone sitting in the front row directly ahead of the performer made comment that “she had an instrument between her legs that millions could enjoy and all she could do was sit in front of me and slowly scratch it”.

By the end of the first round it looked like at least half the audience had drifted off to sleep. The compositions chosen would have made a funeral sound like a rock concert. I like dirges but even these were too dreary to listen to. The comment that these composers were expert at entertaining an audience brought to mind that their original audiences must have been the marble angles in a cemetery.

The second half commenced with three less audience members. One ran out screaming, one died and the third was last seen digging through the floor into the crypt. The second round picked up a bit with two compositions by the recitalists themselves. One which took eleven years to write and was about as tonal as the music from ‘The Tonal Deaf’. The second piece was probably the best, written for this series and called ‘Ballarat’ it was enjoyable, if you’re into sado-masochism, and seemed to be a cross fertilisation of the music of Mendelssohn's Wedding March played backwards and Peter Sculthorpe played in any direction.

All in all I’m still wondering if the price tag of $25.00 was worth it. At least the rear pews had cushions and located close to the exits.

If you feel like sticking your head in an oven you could do well to go along to next years recital to discover that even if you were in hospital paralysed from the waist down, plagued by a never ending visit from Dame Edna and stuck with hundred year old grapes you would thank God for the fact that things can’t get any worse unless they wheel you into a Cello and Organ concert.

THE ONLY THING THAT STOPS A BAD GUY WITH A GUN IS A GOOD GUY WITH A GUN?

What unbelievable claptrap. What truly dangerous thinking. The NRA in the United States recently uttered these totally offensive remarks after the death of 20 children. Thinking along those lines would suggest that to prevent kids being abused by nefarious paedophiles that we train our children to be kiddy-fiddlers.

As recipients of over $200 million from its 4 million members (who possess 79 million guns from 500 Round per Minute Machine Guns down to simple rapid fire Assault Rifles) and contributions from the gun industry it is truly a dangerous body once fronted by Moses who declared they would have to pry the rifle from his cold, dead hands rather than give up the right to shoot people. A kind of National 007. The NRA also suggested that high school students should be permitted to carry guns the result of which would mean parents prying the guns from their child's cold, dead hands.

They blame violent games and exposure to violence in movies as the reason why there is such a surge in the massacre of innocents. One solution they give is that people with mental issues should be prevented from getting hold of guns ignoring the fact that we don't know who is a mental case until they demonstrate it. Nobody even saw the mad bastards in their own military until they began the shoot-em-ups on their own men, and the number of mass shootings and bombing by ex-military personnel is astounding - no - astonishing.

There are dozens of countries with lax gun laws and just as many mad people but gun deaths in those countries are insignificant by comparison and there are just as many crazies in Australia yet we have less than 0.1% of the deaths compared to the United States. Our gun laws, dare I admit it, really became effective only through the determination of Honest John.

The partisan politics practiced by the unrestrained vagina's in the U.S Congress, where there is a refusal to compromise on anything, means that there remains the fact that more people suffer from gunshots wounds in Washington than in the whole of Afghanistan which is in the middle of a war.

In the State of California, due to the hard work of ‘The Terminator’ a no questions asked gun buyback has resulted in thousands of illegal weapons coming in off the street and, what is great about this is there are now 30% less gun related incidents in five years. Is this not proof enough?

As an organisation the NRA seems to be totally out of touch with a growing number of Americans. With a population of over 300 million how is it that 4 Million are dictating the laws. I suppose it is very similar to the 39 faceless lesbian vegans that dictate our laws.

As Americans declare they are God's chosen race we think that maybe they are following Her words too literally.

“An eye for an eye. A gun for a gun”.

TEEVEE VACANCEES

Sources for this column have revealed that following the success of ‘Australia’s Best Psychic’ the TV show that took the Seer world by storm Channel Ten have released some early ideas about the show they may be calling ‘Australia’s Best Psycho’.

A representative of the production company Dummarse Films has confirmed the rumour but cannot disclose at this time how they will find and evaluate the contestants. Will participants need to be auditioned first and how will they prove to the judges that they are truly Psychotic?

Our reliable source indicated that there might be different divisions in the competition and suggested that Psychiatrists and Psychologists be a separate category from Social Workers and Politicians. It must be said that consideration has been given for both General Prison and Never-to-be-released categories as well

Keep all doors locked for this one.

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Phisting Philms is looking for a replacement for their Porn Film Foley Artist who has decided to come out from his FX Box in favour of that of Miss Cottontails at Pubic TV.

Applicants must be free of any repetitive sound injuries and have a very furtive imagination.

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Following the demise of RAGE on the ABC T-view has been advised that it’s replacement will be the popular RACE program from Community TV.

An offshoot of the successful Rabbit Radio Series this music show will feature such artists as Brer Rabbit and Samantha Fox.

Expect to be hearing a lot of new music as well as the Chart-busters which include Watership Down, Tunnel of Love, Cheaper by the Dozen and my favourite country song Run, Rabbit Run.

POLITICIANS OR POCKET LINERS?

It is well known that Big Business and Government Departments are really those who govern us. It is not government by the people for the people. We don’t decide who we want to represent us. We are told who to vote for by the political parties because it is parties we elect not people. If we voted for competent intelligent individuals we would not have half the morons in Government that we have.

I think it was in the movie ‘Planes, Trains and Automobiles’ where I heard the quote. “I’m not a thief, I’m a lawyer. They’re similar professions anyway”.

What goes on behind closed doors we may never know and what is said over a gin and tonic at the Melbourne Club we are not privy to, but it does make one wonder why politicians with a particular interest always end up retiring (before being voted out of office) into very well-paid positions that do not require too much energy or thought. It’s Mates Rates in a different form. It’s lovely to be able to massage yourself into a future job but it should not be at the expense of the taxpayer. How can politicians complain about the megabucks made by the private sector when they vote megabucks for themselves?

Politicians all employ spin-doctors, they use all the hype of private sector advertising even to the point of blatant misrepresentation. They can’t say what they honestly feel else they may upset the Party Leader. However, sometimes things go wrong. Some party functionaries have been a little careless and ended up behind the bars they thought everyone else should be behind. Some have felt themselves beyond normal morals, like some sports personalities, and have maybe fumbled with something they shouldn’t have, others seek out all manner of means to enhance their financial assets.

Most politicians end up corrupted either morally, politically or financially. There has been over a century of shenanigans inside the walls of government and big business which we ordinary Joe’s or Jane’s will never be able to penetrate or expose. Recent polls in regard to what professions people respect Doctors and Teachers were inexplicably at the top but more telling are the bottom three ‘Real Estate Salesmen, Radio Shock-jocks and Politicians.

With elections coming up in September we have our chance to put the politicians in their place. Make sure that you discover and understand the policies of each party before you tick any boxes.

Has Labor gone totally to the centre of politics and forgotten whom they are supposed to represent, have the market economists taken total control of the Liberals, do the Nationals really represent the country voter any more or are they just the coat-tails of the Coalition?

Will Katter and Palmer take votes away from the far right of the Coalition and make it harder for Nationals to be elected? Will the Greens benefit from the left wing voter leaving the Labor Party box blank?

Our feeling is that there are so many parties vying for the conservative vote that they could jeopardize a clear victory for the Liberals and give us an unruly Senate of inexperienced do-gooders.

I don’t know about you dear reader but the term ‘Junkyard Dog’ seems to be appropriate to describe some of our politicians. After apologizing to all dogs I think I’ll go and have a root on the Astonishers credit card.

Maddas Alhell

Addendum:

Recently ABC Four Corners did an expose about the collapse of Prime Investments (to invest in Nursing Homes). Dr. Peter Wooldridge the ex-Minister for Health in Liberal Governments was on the Board of Directors when it collapsed after $140 million of the $500 million put in by investors was distributed to the Board and the C.E.O including a staggering $32 million fee just to list itself on the Stock Exchange. Honest politicians?

This same Peter Wooldridge also approved Medicare Rebates (For US readers this means TAX FREE) for MIR Scanners in Private Clinics and Hospitals but not the Public Health Sector. As a result private patients get scans for nothing while public patients (taxpayer funded) have to pay around $240.00 for the same privilege. Handing government money straight to the private sector or looking after your mates?

NINNY’S RULE

Not since British Generals in WW1 thought that Mustard Gas was a spray on condiment has there been such a grave error made by any group. Last months astonishing revelation that the primary school had been sacked by the Progress Association got my hackles well and truly up and I was raring to bite.

Even though it was a practical learning tool and a great marketing opportunity the Progress Association unceremoniously ended the Linton Schools involvement in publishing the Linton News.

The counter-coup last year that successfully wrested the association from competent hands and the desperate plea of the incoming committee for someone to rescue the Linton News the school stepped forward to take the task on without reward. For a while even the Astonisher was singing the praises of our local newspaper/newsletter/rag. For several months we were beginning to get some semblance of journalistic effort on the part of at least one local resident and a great opportunity for selling sponsorships.

Then, last month the axe fell, wielded by one of the most incompetent members of the Linton Progress Association probably at the urging of a knife wielding non-member who has openly sworn never to support the businesses in Linton. How can anyone with any conscience live in a town they don’t like, and seek out potential advertisers who very well know are not going to be supported by the Linton News in return. It should be noted that there is an increasing amount of external advertising from what one might describe as ‘country corporate’ and a decreasing local advertising content. It’s akin to Coca-Cola taking over from The Linton Honey Co-op.

We well know that some businesses expect a return for their advertising investment, that’s what capitalism is all about, while others are quite happy to just support a worthy cause as community-minded citizens.

The new editorial team of one in a previous involvement with the News, dictated to by one disgruntled housewife, demonstrated a blatant disregard of the wishes of members of the community who were not from the aristocratic class, and flatly refused to print anything they did not personally agree with.

These delusions that somehow they are the Murdochs of Mannibadar and can make and break at will anyone who actually has an interest in advancing the town will get them nowhere. The paper will most likely now descend into its past practices of printing only the news it wants to print instead of the news it should print.

The Linton News was actually making a profit in previous hands but from recent pleas is showing that once again it has become a loss maker. The insistence on so many glossy pages that have no content makes printing twenty pages, especially when one page is left blank, expensive and we know that they could get just as much, if not more, information across in just twelve pages of standard newsprint.

The Astonisher’s right hand will continue to support the school and the town as much as it can, and maybe one day actually carry something interesting to read whilst with the left hand, which is our political preference, slaps down these self-righteous pricks at every opportunity.

Now the self-righteous prick that writes this column will sit back and wait for the Linton Ewes to respond with good cogent arguments to prove me wrong.