CERTIFIED PROFESSIONALS

Ever wondered what that meant?

Professional means they do it for a job and had special training to do it. Anything from Brain Surgery to Carpet Cleaning can be classified as Professional. There have even been examples of Whingers being Professional but you'll find many of these just migrated from England unqualified.

The term Certified adds extra weight to your business card. It indicates that you have been accepted by other people who do the same job. It's like being invited to join the Progress Association. Some refer to this act as being eligible to be 'Certified'. Even some of the journalists for the Astonisher have been 'Certified'. They are professional at what they do and other people who journalise just as goodly invite them to join their gang.

Who exemplify the term 'Certified Professionals'? Irishman Andrew Joyce the CEO of Qantas, had an Irish relative named James Joyce (Author of 'Ulysses') who not only knew about screwing people but wrote all about it as well. There is a difference however. James only screwed people in bed while Andrew managed to f........ people all around the world.

Professional – does it really mean anything? Even Real Estate Agents call themselves Professional, and Second-hand Car Dealers, Insurance Salesmen and Politicians.

Certified – does it add anything to being professional? Maybe it just means that people who have no ethics agree that their latest recruit has no ethics either.

Way back in the days when I wasted time at the Health Faculty of Sydney University it was constantly on my mind as to who checks the sanity of the people who check our sanity. Some of the Psychiatrists I ran across were demonstrably certifiable but nobody was game to put themselves in charge and do anything about it but just stood by and watched these ‘nutters’ progress on to jobs in the government sector pretending they know all about Skinners Pigeons and interpreting Myer-Briggs.

There is an old 'truism' that advises one about any goods or services you are about to purchase.

Whether they are a Certified Professional or Professionally Certified…... 'LET THE BUYER BEWARE'

IN REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS FUTURE

Usually just before the New Year begins Radio, TV, Newspapers and the Murdoch Press will go over the year that was. We’ll be a little different and go over next year instead.

Next year we predict no cures for the common cold or baldness, rises in juvenile crime and kids will drink alcohol. We won’t give up meat to save the planet. Shock Jocks will replace politicians as the prime shaper of Australian society wanting us to take it up the arse like they do. The fundamentalists and puritans will certainly be haranguing us as usual but thankfully the pious minority will fail to wheedle themselves into leadership positions although they will make it harder for non-bike riders to get to work. Religious leaders predict that at least once a day Dog will plunge the world into darkness.

Father John will fail to retire again but continue to minister as effectively to his flock as I do to mine. The 'End Days' didn’t and won’t ever arrive arrive because of a maths problem and the 'Rapture' will fail to materialise and that will disappoint 20% of Americans. Cowdy and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will not appear at Beaufort Rodeo. I regret I will also never experience a ‘Second Coming’. At least within twenty minutes.

Newspapers will tell us retirement is more popular – old people give us this idea – and we seem to be honouring the concept. Chicken Sexers and Telephone Cleaners will disappear from the phone book. People will stockpile Gold, sadly it appears none of our readers have, but we will stockpile Instant Noodles in anticipation of bushfires that mercifully will not plague us locally and, despite the dryness there will be no catastrophic fires along the towns median strip. The sheep abducted from the centre of town will fail to return as an art installation despite everyone knowing where the sheep are including council and the police.

Residents will still continue to dump there unwanted shit in the bush because there is no free area to dispose of it. The Astonisher promoted the idea of a skip bin in the council yard for the purpose of disposing of hard rubbish but of course that idea came to nothing.  Not even the political power of Mr. Francis proved positive.

The Progress Association despite having achieved a successful counter-coup of the executive last year and ridding itself of members has stubbornly refused to progress but moving the Linton Ewes to the Linton School was a great move. Thanks to these preteens the newsletter has brought a great deal of maturity to the articles.

The (can’t be named) will attempt to invite Wilma Backberite not to be able to speak at one of their ‘Elders’ series of talks usually held at the Golden Pains Linton Offices a couple of times a year. It is possible that Wilma will become engaged to a tall, dark and handsome blow-up sex doll with badly repaired male appendage.

Tony Walker will approach several parents regarding their children performing illegal handstands and cartwheels down at the new BMX track. Two boys and three girls decided to flaunt the O.H & S rules instead of taking to drugs. Tony will praise efforts to allow children to make the whole town their playground despite the lack of pedestrian crossings. Their will be no village of Cubby Houses being built in the bush due to a lack of interest but the new footpaths will see half a dozen skateboards use them to get down to  the Replica Railway Station.

The schools new Head Teacher (nee Headmaster) will not regret the absence of a bike shed where boys and girls can play ‘Show Me Yours’ but will find out that pupils have got round the problem with SMS and Photoshare sites with their mobile phones.

Somewhere next year someone will be celebrating something. Each month will have its rituals. ‘National Lamington Month’, ‘Botox Month’ and ‘Wear A Condom Day’ followed by ‘Share an STD Day’.

When we have rested from all the exhaustion of the first six months we will then have ‘Shove an iPhone Up Something Day’, ‘Stress Someone Week’ and ‘Share A Sunset Month’.

Naturally we can't forget the Official United Nations Days of 'Recycling Urine', 'Remembering Aunty' or  'The Fight Against International Days International Day'. There will be a great surge in the 'War On Terror' called the 'War On Vegans' and the 'International Day of Irritable Bowel Syndrome' will be celebrated by a Breakfast with lots of nuts at the Linton Recreation Centre.

The local Soothsayer has predicted that Census Takers will be equipped with GPS Devices in preparation for Golden Pains to Launch Predator Missiles on residents who haven’t cut their grass. Town signs will point everywhere but where they are supposed to in an attempt to discourage tourists. Our Soothsayer has also predicted that Pauline Hanson will make a run for the Mayoralty of Golden Pains after having been fired as an Apprentice on TV in the repeats as well..

Finally, the Committee On How To Speak Proper will publish its list of banned words and phrases. The Astonisher was able to get a sneak look at the Council Press Release last week. Words and Phrases that will not be permitted in Linton shall include 'Have A Nice Day', 'You Hear What I'm Saying', 'Watch My Lips', 'Make My Day' and ....  'Whatever'.

Finally for 2013 May you have a year that befits your family and your beliefs.

Now I’ll go out and do a few BANNED handstands to celebrate my naughty new year. 

Clare Voyant

THE STRINE WAY TO DO THINGS

Just to make sure that the Astonisher gets to whinge about everything this article was put together by our new team engaged to report on matters totally irrelevant to Linton. By now if you haven’t had your say on the QANTAS  matter yet here is your chance to hear ours.

Let us start off by establishing the fact that we are fully supportive of Australian companies but deplore their behavior in contracting cheap overseas labour. On the other hand in order to survive against overseas competition Qantas have to keep their costs down in  order to compete on fares.

The ‘spirit’ of Australia is all that Qantas will be by the time Alan Joyce has done with it. Our planes will just take off and land here just like any other Pacific Island especially now that he has aligned himself with the Middle East through Emirates. Maybe he’s preparing for a take-over of Qantas and a position at the helm of Emirates.

The Unions are not being helpful either. As Alan Joyce put it ‘We are being held to ransom by tree unions’ as if to put the blame on the Greens. Later on he made an un-Chairmanlike comment when he said ‘One turd of the workforce’. Speech impediment aside (although a dual passport holder) Joyce is an Irishman not an Australian and maybe has a genetic connection with Irish writer James Joyce who excelled at another type of f…… people.

When he deliberately stranded thousands of passengers around the world he did not endear himself to passengers and has driven public support into the hands of recalcitrant unions. As one pundit put it ‘It was a winning strategy for a social loss’. One might suggest that the shareholders ‘Occupy the Airports’ to get the point across that he is now persona non-grata.

What irks us most is his claim that Qantas is losing money despite profits having risen from $377 million last year to $552 million this year and thus justify his 71% pay increase to $5 million whilst denying his staff any pay increases at all despite increases in productivity and reduction in conditions.  His pay rise far outstripped the unions economic demands. It was a case of ‘all for one’.

It appears that Joyce is preparing for another move, this time to the Arabian Peninsula. The tie in that Qantas now has with Emirates to by-pass Singapore and its main rival it seems that he’s looking upward again to a raise. But we’re not so sure that getting a rise in Arabia would be a good idea considering their attitudes to people who are so happy that they call themselves gay.  He would look good in one of those cute little hats and veils.

Worst of all his disastrous decisions have unfairly thrown doubt back on the intelligence of the Irish again. Just when Irish jokes begin to wane here comes Joyce to create a few more nasties.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST LAY DOWN AND DIE NOW

One of our supposed Cadet Journalists, who should really get a life, has been storing some little newspaper gems away instead of pleasuring themselves like normal adolescents. These are real articles from the real papers and the world wide wankers thing.

CAULIFLOWER - THE FUTURE CANCER TREATMENT. (Herald-Sun 3 July 2011)

SUPER STRAWBERRIES HELP FIGHT CANCER. (Daily Telegraph 12 Jun 2011)

PURPLE ‘SUPER TOMATO’ THAT CAN FIGHT AGAINST CANCER. (Mail Online 27 Oct 2008)

OLIVE OIL COMPOUNDS MAY HELP FIGHT BREAST CANCER. (West Australian 26 Dec 2008)

MILK MAY BE KEY FACTOR TO STOP CANCER. The Advertiser 29 Aug 2008. And he we were thinking that food was just for staying alive. Lets see what illness can do for us.

ASTHMA CUTS A CANCER RISK.  (The Mercury 26 Jul 2008)

CAN A COLD KILL CANCER - TRIAL ON HUMANS.  (Daily Telegraph 14 May 2008)

SCIENCE DISHES THE DIRT—FILTH MAY STOP CANCER. (Sydney Morning Herald 10 Jan 2008) So not doing housework is good? No wander I’m healthy.  Lets see what chemicals can do after killing 99% of all germs. Didn’t they just say filth was good?

FROGGY CURES (Skins). (The National Business Review 17 Jan 2011). Who’d have thought that Princess was just kissing the frog to get herself a Prince.  The National Business Review?. Speaking of skin -

SUNSCREEN PROVEN TO PREVENT MELANOMA. (Cancer Council 7 Dec 2007) (Aust) but then again SUNSCREEN MIGHT CAUSE CANCER. (Dominion Post 15 Mar 2008) (NZ)  If you look at the publishing dates it might suggest a ploy to rid Australia of pesky Kiwi’s?

ASPIRIN CAN KEEP CANCER AT BAY. (The Mercury 10 Dec 2010)

ASPIRIN LINK TO CANCER. (Mail Online 10 Feb 2009). The latter headline was a story most likely posted by the Alternative Medicine lobby. But us boozies can beat cancer too.

WINE ‘HELPS PREVENT CANCER’ (Mail Online 18 Feb 2009) But obviously the wine lobby wanted us to drink more. So. 

HALF A GLASS OF WNE A DAY INCREASES THE RISK OF CANCER.  (Telegraph Online 28 Feb 2010)

And for the wowsers.

COFFEE MAY RAISE CHILD CANCER RISK. (Mail Online 26 Jan 2011)

COFFEE KICK STARTS GENE TO FIGHT CANCER. (Telegraph Online 17 June 2011) So don’t give children coffee - then again if they’re pregnant?

We knew it the body is doing nasty things to itself too.

PILL PREVENTS ONE CANCER BUT CAUSES OTHERS. (The Australian 26 Jan 2008). This might suggest the newspaper is having a bet each way.

EXCESSIVE SEX MAY CAUSE CANCER. (Mail Online 8 Mar 2009)

BALNESS CANCER LINK. (Daily Telegraph 17 Feb 2011) We believe that this may have been promoted by a popular Hair Clinic linked to Shane Warne. Maybe he read the previous headline about sex.

DWARFISM CAUSES CANCER. (The Age 18 Feb 2011). So steer clear of that little guy next to you. But then again they say

TALL MEN FACE HEIGHTENED RISK OF PROSTATE CANCER. (The Australian 6 Sept 2008) Besides being an awful Murdoch  pun  it leads us nicely into the next headline.

SCIENCE LINKS PROSTATE TO FINGER LENGTH.(The Courier-Mail 17 Feb 2011) So that’s why my last exam was so painful.

TOP CANCER DOCTOR SAYS YOU SHOULD HAVE A SUNBED SESSION. (Mail Online 24 Jan 2004) Something tells me this might be a Murdock rag because The Age (31 August 2010) countered with SUNBED STUDY CONFIRMS CANCER LINK.

Wey! Hey! Tell all those dancers at the rage tonight that-

ECSTACY REDUCES CANCER RISK. But maybe only in England? (UK Express 19 Aug 2011)

BOSS LESS LIKELY TO GET CANCER. (Daily Telegraph 18 Feb 2008.) That’s probably because he’s busy giving everyone else bloody ulcers.. Maybe we should be a bit tongue in cheek about the next two considering the publishing date.

INCREASED CANCER RISK FOR BARBERS. (West Australian 1 April 2008) and on the same day on the other side of the ditch

BREATHE COW DUNG, COCKIES—IT’LL CUT YOUR CANCER RISK. (NZ Herald.)That story was probably planted by a few frustrated Friesians about the sheep getting all the action.

And finally if you think that staying home and doing nothing might be the answer.

HOW USING FACEBOOK COULD RAISE YOUR RISK OF CANCER. (Mail Online July 2011)

Our thanks to the Chaser boy.

NOW WE EVEN HAVE AN OBESE UNIVERSE

We live in an ever-changing and fascinating world. It was recently announced that not only is our Universe expanding as a result of the theoretical BIG BANG it is also expanding because of GLOBAL WARMING.

As they heat up things expand and so it is with our atoms. Called STRING THEORY after the question ‘How long is a piece of string’ it was recently worked out by some of our top scientists that everything is expanding and it can’t all be blamed on shit food even though it is making up 0.00000008% of carbon dioxide through humans un-necessary farting. In lay terms our boffins have discovered that there must be nothing between the atoms otherwise being ball-shaped they would clang together so loudly we would not be able to hear ourselves think. It is these nothings that they believe are expanding.

Ten years ago the star ‘Dromeda Ursa Null Nomad Y’ was measured as one million light years from Earth. Last year when the tape measure finally rewound back into itself it was 1 million and 1 light years to D.U.N.N.Y. When First Name interviewed Professor Lomarx at Questicon in Canberra he remarked that they couldn’t explain exactly what was going on due to humanities inability to live for a million light years and thus go there to prove the theory. What the universe was expanding into was also being studied. If nothing can expand then what can it expand into? He went on to explain that some in the science community believe that it is possible that someone opened a window over the other side of the Universe. Things like Black Holes could be these windows. First Name asked Iva Lomarx about the existence of Black Holes.

‘Oh! Sure’ he said ‘we have some of them here in Canberra. For example there is a huge one over at the Taxation Department and several small ones are said to be between the ears of a few Ministers in the Lower House.’

Reporter Surname will continue his investigations into the investigations about the existence of nothing for future astonishing issues.

Note: If nothing can expand then there is still hope for the Astonisher.

 INTRODUCING OUR ASTONISHING NEW CONTRIBUTOR

Meet FIRST NAME-SURNAME who has joined us from the prestigious Academy of Science in Lilliput, Nova Scotia. He will be writing for us a series of articles about space, time and the T.A.R.D.I.S

I SEE NOTHING, I HEAR NOTHING

Some of us may have noticed that on the corner of Clyde and Sussex, where the old Bennett's Butchery and later Pool Room once stood there has been some recent repairs to the street corner walls of the building. Maybe you aren't aware of what happened so in the spirit of yet again informing you of some of the shit we hear about we will tell you what we believe happened. The diagram may help. It is our opinion that this was little more than an accident we are often warned about.

Microsleep - right front wheel contacts median barrier - drives car to the left narrowly missing the P.O and finally coming to rest in Barry’s place.

Because the driver had a bit of a panic attack they extricated the car from the building and attempted to escape into the dark of night. The car being rather damaged only managed to scrape and flubber a few hundred metres before finally expiring. The driver contacted the local constabulary and admitted liability only to find that he faced, so we are told, the additional charge of leaving the scene of a crime or something along those lines.

What we were told puts a bit of a funny twist to the story. The resident of the building, probably dreaming of beautiful flowers on the towns nature strips, was woken abruptly by very severe vibrations around his bed. Thinking it was maybe a call of nature he progressed to the toilet and saw to his before dawn needs. We believe he looked around in a sleepy haze and went back to bed. It was not until some time later that he was advised that a motor vehicle had entered his house without his prior knowledge or permission and that the breeze fluttering his sheets was not being caused by flatulent mice.

Our advice to avoid a repercussion it is wise is to avoid driving into gardens in the middle of the main street.

Note: By way of explanation for our Blog readers - and we wish not to offend - the resident of the house is a profoundly deaf person who is responsible for the care and maintenance of the median strip.