A MOMENT WITH MARY

You’ll recall that there will be 11 billion stories in Victoria just about sheep by 2025. We’ve discussed the problems with the sheep now we should look at some of the other issues confronting us if we all become Vegans. You’ve obviously seen the TV ads about all the noxious gases given off by animals including ourselves. What are we going to do as humans beyond inserting plugs similar to those we shove in our ears or maybe insert plastic tubes and collect all the methane for cooking and heating? Of course we might have a bit of an entanglement problem.

What are the consequences to plant life as we know it. Well, say goodbye to any plant under 110cm tall, except maybe bloody pine trees. The vegetable garden that you’ve been tending carefully with sheep poop will require some hefty fencing, no more little strips of plastic or upturned bottles, and of course give up any hope of a garden unless protected by steel girders that can hold back an elephant. PETA sees fencing them in as cruelty too, you can say ta-ta to national parks, botanical gardens and roadside flora of any significance. I don’t know if even Goats will eat Gorse.

Expect to drive very slowly through unruly mobs of sheep walking along our Expressways and increased tension between customers and sheep in the Supermarket car-park.

There will be a whole new meaning to ‘packing a trunk’, or ‘feeding the chooks’. Some sayings will quickly get you into strife like ’stone the crows’, ‘smacking the monkey’ or ‘I’ll go and stuff the Chicken’.

PETA have a principal and I respect that but they obviously don’t have any members who are mathematicians or they would see the ridiculous folly of their cause. I would love to hear from any vegetarian (vegan or not) to argue their case. Come on now someone out there must be upset with this article?

AND VEGANS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR JUST PLAIN CONDOMS EITHER.

'To that end, (contraception) Trojan makes latex condoms as well as ones made of biodegradable LAMBSKIN. Other brands offer a vegan variety that replaces the dairy product in latex condoms with cocoa powder. And no, they don't all taste like chocolate'.

Adiós Mary Firstcross

THE YOUTH IN ASIA COLUMN

‘for old people planning to go somewhere else’

Working in conjunction with ‘Vegans ‘R’ Us’ a startling new ’crazy’ cigarette plan has been devised by the Medical Lobby to foist upon us yet again another unworkable solution which the Department of Stupidity is about to introduce into State P:arliament.

Historically prior to 1965 this Department was responsible to ensure that anyone who succesfully committed suicide could face up to 2 years imprisonment, and as recently as 1900 was actually considered so serious that you could face the Death Penalty. In the United States you even had to be proven healthy before you could be put to death.

Since the creation of Solicitors and the Black Death whenever a law has been invented to protect one person it has caused disadvantage to ten others. As a result we have Law Books so convoluted and complicated to sort the mess out that it can take teams of lawyers years just to interpret them. For example the unravelling and interpretation of the Dead Sea Scrolls was done in half the time it took to work out what the Magna Carta really stood for.

Biofuels are a perfect example of one disadvantaging another. Metal-studded, dreadlocked Vegans who look like they’ve been dressed by austistic Chimpanzees have been developing alternative fuels from Corn. The result has been huge price increases and shortages in the supply of corn and maize products. So that one ’environmentally conscious wanker’ can run his car ten kilometres on creamed corn it has meant the potential starvation of ten African children. Like the myth that electric cars don’t pollute, the reality of alternative fuels results in the poor getting poorer as the clawing of fossil fuels from the ground with bare hands provides less and less income. Gina Reinhardt even wants more bare hands to claw her ores from our soil at the rate of ten Caraway seeds to the ton. (I’m not sure that Rich Fat Sluts even know what a Caraway seed is?)

But we were meant to be chiselling about cigarettes. One reason why the tax rate for everyone has risen over the last two decades has been because of the falling revenue from fags. When the government speaks of widening the tax base what they really mean is that revenues from Cigarette Taxes are falling away and they have to raise their salary from somewhere So my argument is that by creating a law that reduces the tax being paid by smokers around ten other Australians who don’t smoke have to take up the slack. Even though the health system may be over-burdened by cancer patients it is those same cancer patients who funded the hospitals in the first place.

And what about the promoters of democracy and freedom, the right to choose and God’s gift of free willy. Democracy means government by the people, not the non-smokers, by the electorate not the religious fanatics, but by the good and the bad, the sane and the mad, the smokers and drinkers and even the fornicators. We all want the right to live and in the future also the right to die. So if we want to live by smoking we should be allowed to die by cancer.

And what about the bans. If we ban smoking we unleash another Al Capone. If we can’t get smokes we will enrich the blackmarket and the Mafia. The cigarette manufactures have al;eady said that they want prohibiton of cigarettes brought on and admitted their profits would double within the year. Prohibition in the United States brought on organised crime with a vengeance, the United States involvement in Vietnam brought on massive drug addiction with even greater vengeance. Are we not all just latent adolescents waiting for someone to say something is bad to unleash that desire in all of us to be ‘naughty’.

What about tourism, the government wants it, but how many smokers will visit when their smokes are confiscated at the airport. At least 75% of Asians smoke and they are our tourist future, or will we like Crown Casino, permit visitors to smoke but not our own citizens. A Smoking Visa?

Like sport and drugs where there is money there is corruption. NSW has a 200 year history of being naughty

Premier Bob Askin or Judge Murray Farquar or entrepreneur Alan Bond all got caught with their fingers in the till.The cost of maintaining law, already more than the cost of crime, will escalate even further and the general taxpayer, you and I, will cop the entire bill for all this stupidity.

Banning cigarettes will lead to a bad case of cancer for the whole country. Will all states agree, like gun laws, like railway lines, like computerised ticket devices.

We already have a cancer in our governments at all levels what about banning them to save our own health? Our health experts seem to have forgotten that smoking raw marijuana is seven times more like to cause cancer?

Tobacco will be illegal but soon marijuana will be legal you can’t smoke a pipe but you can smoke a toke? Something tells me there is going to be a surge in sales for tweezers and cigarette cases.

Earl Grey

IF YOU VALUE YOUR PRIVACY DON'T TELL TAXI DRIVERS WHERE YOU WANT TO GO

P.E.T.A PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED POOPS

And that allows us to segway into the subject of P.E.T.A which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which is supported by the Rabid Vegan Lobby and not as someone suggested to me as 'People for the Eating of Treated Agriculture' which is a different group supported by the Genetic Modification Lobby.

I think that our first argument against this truly crazy cult is that if God didn’t want us to eat animals then why did he give us the spear and the fishing rod. According to his novel animals were created and put on this earth (at least the ones saved by Noah) to serve mankind and I don’t think he meant for them to work at Café No.80 as waiters or servers or whatever the latest nomenclature is for putting plates down and picking them up again.

So if they don’t believe in God then what do they believe in, here are ten examples from the P.E.T.A Code of Ethics.

1. Humans should not eat honey because that is stealing the bees hard work.

2. As we do not pay our animals that is akin to ‘slavery’.

3. The confinement of animals against their will is contrary to the law of ‘habeus corpus’.

4. Animals are given no Public Holidays nor Annual Leave.

5. Female animals are not allowed to enjoy ‘Labour Day’.

6. Animals should not be forced to grow unwanted skin, fur, wool or feathers just to meet market demand.

7. Cows should be permitted to give free milk to every sucker that comes along.

8. Milkers should be forced to warm their hands first.

9. Dogs should be free to sniff everyone’s butt.

10. All animal slaughter facilities should be forced to close the week before Sunday.

But do true Vegans understand the horror taking place when they eat their toasted facuchio?, fuckarchio? pinnochio? Bloody hell - when they eat their tomato and lettuce sandwiches.

We are told by the most avid gardeners (who know all about growing things) that talking to your flowers invigorates them. And how does a seed know which way to grow? This would indicate that they can hear us which would support the argument that vegetables have brains. If they have brains, they have veins, and air, and nerves, sex and all the other things that make up life. Bloody hell…. eating vegetables is Cannabalism. O.M.G

Now I feel guilty about the Mung Beans sautéed in Cogi Berry Juice not just about the Pigs Nipple Chips I bought at the Markets. What would vegans feel about the grubs and bugs they eat accidentally in the garden salad their neighbour tosses onto their plate, or the spiders and bugs consumed when sleeping with your mouths open.

Sometimes, every now and then people who believe in some of this rubbish should sit down in a quite place on a regular basis and either reconsider how stupid they really are or just take a knife and slit their wrists. After all they’d be doing us a favour in volunteering to become compost, which will grow grass, which will then be eaten by a bloody goat. What a turn up for the books that would be - being eaten by the very animal you just saved.

BEN DENISE

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

Like Monty Python it is “Now for something completely different'.

When you meet a stranger, whether or not it’s across a crowded room, it is always diplomatic to ensure one does not say something that may upset them.

In a pub for instance you do not always know whether a drinker is self-employed or run a business, a train driver or stock-broker. Rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. Rich or poor does not always show on the outside in fact one might argue whether money is a guide to how rich or poor you might be. You might run into skeptics and the paranoid, conspiracy theorists, kleptomaniacs and the argumentative, hypochondriacs or necrophiliacs. painters of houses and/or nude women. People who love condoms but hate balloons. Those that talk a lot of offal or those that eat it.

In Pubs you will find those that can eat no fat and some no lean, people who raise beef and those who eat it, smokers and non-smokers, those that fight fires and regrettably those who start them. People who believe in God and those that don't, they who only drink cheap red wine and those that drink only Stout. Some who dress like pigs, some who are pigs and some that can't eat pigs.. They who paddy-whack and those who give a dog a bone.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that all manner of people walk around this planet, all races, creeds and beliefs. Some wear Burqa's and some throw stones at them. Some people disappear when you turn out the light, some are so white they glow in the dark. We are free to be who we want to be and how dare anyone tell me or anyone else what they should or should not be like, what political party to favour or who leads the country. If I want to be a Groucho Marxist then so be it.

One might be rich in cash or in knowledge, may be a savant or silly, content or confused. A few glimpses or a few hours does not make one an expert in someone else capacities. Treat people without respect and they lose respect for you. If business people do not respect their shoppers then they have lost that business or at least minimised it forever.

I have never knowingly bought a News Limited paper since the downfall of Gough Whitlam, I have never bought another GE product since they would not honour a warranty back in 1968, not even one of their light globes.

Everyone knows that loyalty to a brand is paramount to a business, the secret to ongoing success. It appears to me that some businesses today believe in PT Barnum’s famous statement that ‘there is another sucker born every day’.

I’ll finish with a wall poster I saw back in the days when I was trying to be a Hippy. ‘You are you and I am me – lets just leave it and not disagree.

Более следующий месяц Kebab Cross

ABOLISH THE PARTY SYSTEM?

ne place where one learns all the tricks of the trade, how to outgun your opponent, sidestep his strategy and demolish his defence is to work with a left of centre law firm like Slater and Gordon. Of course left of centre is where all potential antagonists gather, so if you want to piss off the establishment left of centre is a potentially a lucrative position to argue from. One very successful graduate of Slater and Gordon was our ex-Prime Minister Julia Gillard, but some would argue that she is not really someone S&G would be pleased to promote.

Julia, having learnt all about manipulation of intangible knowledge, through various cases involving both big business and politics, was in an ideal position to outgun, sidestep and demolish anything or anyone that stood in her way. She is a master at political strategy, constantly threatening her supposedly supportive colleagues into doing what she wants and not what the country needs. In the end the knife she was wielding was turned against her and with all the aplomb of a vanquished leader left politics altogether, but, not without a nice prime-ministerial pension to sustain her. Now of course she will be passing her vitriolic message to the dumbo’s studying law in Adelaide.

I always thought that the Liberals were the masters of ideological pile-driving, where the ideals of the party bulldozed away any ideals for Australia. But apparently Julia duplicated some of these strategies of the Liberals as Tony had begun to realise that the politics of fear, as practised by One Nation, could be just as useful to the Liberal cause. It is also this ‘fear-mongering’ that keeps the National Party compliant. All three major parties Liberal, Labor and National have really moved to the centre so that voters are confused over which policy really belongs to which party, and the three minor parties decided that one would go to the left (Green) one would go to the right (KAP) and one would move away from the Catholic Church (DLP). We don’t consider Palmer (P.U.P) as going in any direction.

Lets face it a party that represents only a proportion of the electorate is doomed to oblivion and the Nationals unfortunately appear to be taking that path. They are moving, like Labor, away from their heartland, and unless they revert back to the founding principals will find themselves caste out like lepers from their country colonies.

On another note this scribe, who has always been an admirer of anything so far to the left that I’m nearly always outside the common room, and probably the only true socialist in Linton. This is not to be confused with Communism as invented by Joseph Stalin. who like religion was high-jacked by the power hungry mongrel intent on enriching only himself, Stalin did do one good thing. He established that the representatives of the people and the employees of the people government would only have to obey one rule. Rule # 1. Always please the boss. I suppose in an Australian context Julia also adopted this all encompassing rule.

The party system is broken. We have gone the way of the United States and allow self-interest to dictate the countries direction. America admits its system is broken, and like Australia, is being run by chance, luck, happenstance and the everlasting incompetence of the bureaucrats. If we know the U.S system is broken and can’t be fixed unless by the hand of God, then why do we slavishly keep following the U.S and not govern in the interest of Australia and our neighbours rather than some sand-locked god-forsaken corrupt and religious divided backwater that no sensible person would even fly over let alone visit.

Lets get rid of political parties. The only parties to legally exist shall be where we can dance and be happy and get off our faces. It won’t be the chaos that some predict, nor shall the nation become ungovernable (politicians don’t govern) the state won’t collapse, although States should.

When a Private Members Bill comes up, as they do now from independents, all the other members of the house either agree or disagree with it, not on party lines but on what they believe their electorate would want and would be advantaged by. Groups of similar minds would band together to adopt, amend or defeat the law or policy. Nobody would be standing over our representatives,

Parliamentary Secretaries, Ministers and Prime Ministers would be elected by the both houses as with one example put forth by Republicans for the selection of a President/Governor General. The best woman or man would be elected to the most appropriate positions and the one most suited to their talents. There would be no free for-all but mini-elections within parliament itself.

The beauty of this system is that the electors, you and I, would be voting for somebody we potentially know, somebody we believe has our interest at heart and somebody, if they don’t represent us that can be easily removed from office. The thing that keeps a politician on his toes is the next election.