17 THINGS ABOUT THE FESTIVE SEASON

1. How about Christmas pudding. That doggy doo-doo in custard where you dropped in a coin or two in an attempt to choke Aunt Madge to death.

2. Giving sucks to receive is divine.

3. Kris Kringle surprise gifts where the recipient guesses correctly who bought the most ridiculous present they’ve ever unwrapped.

4. Xmas Crappers — crepe paper hats, childish jokes, a bang that crackles rather than booms and a plastic toy and all this for only &6.99 each. You’d do better to make one from second hand crisps packets and the core of a toilet roll.

5. Having an undisturbed nanny nap because that reporter from the bloody Astonisher has gone on holidays.

6. If Rupert Murdoch thinks he rules Great Britain then why doesn’t he sponsor the Queens Christmas Message topless on Page Three. Maybe she could do it in tandem with Marge Simpson or Dame Edna.

7.Why not surprise the little ones by leaving one of your fresh stools on the fireplace hearth, preferably coiled, and in it a little toothpick holding a little sign that reads

‘Love from Rudolph’.

8. Remember who gave you the gift before you re-wrap it and pass it on to someone else.

9. Receiving a box of Scottish Shortbread from someone you just presented with a diamond necklace.

10. Organic free-range Turkey with aristocratic forebears, privately educated and been on at least one holiday to justify paying $45.99

11. Fun should come with some sort of agreement so you can claim a re-fun-d.

12. Even our government advisors from China celebrate ‘Chris-bah-humbug-mas’. They keep suggesting that we take up taxidermy and stuff ourselves.

13. Do you get so sick and tired of the festive music that you are forced to look around the supermarket to see if you can find a bucket of wombat snot to shove your head into?

14. That the mainstream churches have failed to capiltalise on the work of Coca Cola.

15. While thinking of snot what about those little turds running down the aisle playing with their rum pum pum.

16. We should move the time of gift-giving to the day after the Post-Christmas sales.

17. The mystery (or miracle) of tinsel and lipstick on your tool.