(from Ellen Degenerate of News Very Limited)
2061 THE YEAR THAT LINTON STOPPED STANDING STILL
Hoards of disgruntled rate-payers decided to picket the century old council and its even older chambers.
Cries of 'maintain the rage' rang out through the crowd and a plea to remember Nov 11 from the leader of the mob.
‘It's not Kerr's Cur any more it's Curtin's Curtains’ screamed another referring to either an ancient hero or today’s mayor Billy Ray Curtin.
‘I rather like them’ said the woman next to him.
With council rates well above the national average of 10% of the value of your real estate a retired Accountant gave a cry from the heart 'shame, shame’ the Mayors not worth $3 million a year and 120 Grand in Sundry Watnots.
The Ball on the War Memorial was nearly toppled by one overzealous by-stander trying to get her hands around the Mayor’s throat.
Taxes, Fees, Levee’s, Surcharges and Compulsory Donations raised by Council for the delivery of services has angered some residents. With 94% going in wages, lurks, perks and investigations in Monte Carlo voters are demanding some form of explanation. The recent increases in water gathering fees (dependent on the length of your guttering) along with the new carbon tax if your driveway has covered up any potential flora growth has raised some concerns amongst residents of Linton.
Penny Yaw Wong explained “If you have more than 100 metres of guttering you are also required to have an additional water meter to measure the extra flow. Downpipes and underground lines are not included because they do not collect water but merely redirect it.”
He/She went on to say that “there was no truth in the rumour that 10% went to Father John for the Acts of God”.
The demonstrators finally broke up for a cup of tea and a little lay down before watching ‘Antique Roadshow’ beamed from the Recreation Centre.
THEY FINALLY DONE IT
The Historical Society celebrated it's 65th anniversary by announcing the recent completion of the cataloguing of it's photo collection. The evening at the Letty Centre was marred by some adolescent upstart quite loudly querying 'what is a photograph?'
PLUMBER CRACKS
Not everything can be purchased over the internet despite the refrigerators encyclopaedic knowledge of food, recipes and what's on special at SWIGS (Safeway Woolworths Independent Grog Shops) although people have been known to asked the freezer ‘who won todays Lotto?’.
A resident discovered they could not get a plumber over the internet. “I had to phone one to come and check out my bidet which for some reason had increased its pressure and was now nailing my arse to the ceiling whenever I flushed.” Apparently plumbers have decided not to engage the internet because its powered by electricity and they have an active demarcation issue with the Solar Power industry.
When repaired he presented his $4,740 account. After hearing the loud gasps of a customer having a heart attack he kindly deducted his callout fee of $4.
LOOKING FORWARD TO LINTON
The main news from Golden Floodplains Council this month is the final approval for a 24 hour Hamburger joint to be sited down on the replica railway platform.
A representative from ‘BURGER ME’ held a Press Conference straight after the decision was reached.
We are delighted to be able to provide an alternative to the Golden Arches at Happy Valium. For too long they have been the only fast-food outlet with the facilities to provide the village with caffeine, cholesterol, pigeon fat and pork belly chips within this Shire.
We are competitive on price and quality and nobody sells better shit than us.
