ANTI-SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR (OR IN PLAIN AUSTRALIAN – BLOODY CRINIMALS)

What is anti-social behaviour?

Anti-social behaviour is any activity that impacts on other people in a negative way. Selfish and unacceptable activities can blight the quality of community life and the police are committed to tackling them.

Examples of anti-social behaviour include:- nuisance neighbours in particular the ones that knock on the door just as you are about to have a poo, rowdy and nuisance behaviour which is the reason why the pub has developed an Outer Space off the street, yobbish behaviour and intimidating groups taking over public spaces like the local footy team, vandalism, graffiti and fly-posting beyond just pulling their wings off, people dealing and buying drugs on the street so be warned not to buy alcohol or caffeinated drinks from shady characters, people dumping rubbish and abandoning cars and all the more reason why Golden Pains should have a hard rubbish clean-up period, begging and anti-social drinking especially begging for more drink, plus the misuse of fireworks and beyond lighting farts this is difficult to achieve in Linton. Most of our local fireworks occur between husbands and wives.

The causes of anti-social behaviour are many and varied but include:- poor parental discipline and supervision, family conflict (between parents or between parents and children), family history of problem behaviour, community disorganization and neglect (blame the Progress Association) , the availability of drugs and alcohol so David and Red Bull watch out and finally a lack of neighbourhood attachment which means more people need to socialise at the hotel.

Note: The misspelling of the word Criminals in this case was used deliberately to attract our Bogan readers 

THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS

Forget Monty Python, forget Borat and you can even forget The Young Ones. The Ballarat National Theatre recently finished a record-breaking run of 10 performances at the Courthouse Theatre of the play 'Suspects'. Originally a drama, then a comedy-drama and recently re-written as one of the funniest escapades I have ever witnessed. I say record breaking because after every performance the sets had to be reconstructed and all the props replaced before the next show. The logistics must have been a nightmare for all concerned but the results superb.

The programme described the show as simply 'A murder mystery with a new twist'. What transpired was a fairly mundane 'faux Agatha Christie mystery' written by Giles Cole. It was certainly comedic and the twist was absolutely ball-tearing thanks to the temperamental direction of the agonizingly precise Julian Oldfield.

Starring Neil Furdem, Pam Maiden, Peppa Sinclair and John Daykin with the police team of Fred Fargher, Emile Freund and Paul Ford.

A murder occurs. A man has fallen to his death from a third floor window apparently in a painting accident. The two ex-wives of the murdered man lounge around the set delivering their lines between mouthfuls of take-away food. The detectives, a quasi-Midsommer Inspector and his Sergeant, arrive to begin the investigation. A bit a American slapstick intrudes as a bird keeps shatting on the police every time they put their heads outside the window.

As each scene progresses and the mystery unfolds the entire cast, with food constantly in their hands  appear to be gaining weight in each scene. The  grieving widow and the leading detective lock horns, arms and mouthfuls of food while she is interrogated. In one corner of the room a bedroom door is partially opened by the Sergeant and empty food containers tumble from it. He kicks them back and carefully closes the door again. During the interrogation the Inspector and his Sergeant begin to share the increasing amounts of food appearing on various flat surfaces. This is gluttony at its best.

Even during interval the show does not quite with its Montyesque stupidity. The audience remaining behind, and that was almost the entire auditorium, as very few went out for Choc-tops, Jaffas or a Pee were entertained by what appeared to be a completely impromptu Punch and Judy performance through the open windows of the apartment by a pair of socks.

After interval the audience is confronted with a living room full of piles of take-away food and the players continue to try and deliver lines through mouthfuls of food with the obvious consequences. Not once yet has a member of the cast broken character confronted by their own mishaps and laughed or giggled. By now the players have almost doubled in size thanks to some innovative costume inventions which allow them to expand at the same time as the actors apparent waistlines.

Finally the actors reach morbid obesity and can just manage to get through the various doors around the set only with the help of another actor and with all the squeaks of a party balloon. As they move around buttocks and breasts of both genders manage to begin unsettling the apartment. Pictures go askew, doors won't open because of the rubbish piled behind them, and the various knick-knacks such as ornaments and pictures get knocked over, cups and plates get broken because they can't be put down and general mayhem ensues. At one point the Sergeant ends up on his back after sliding off the lounge and like a stranded turtle continues to deliver his lines perfectly. The actors still do not giggle or laugh, they deliver all their lines with perfect accuracy. At the climax of the play the wife is arrested for murder and the entire cast ends up having to push each other through seemingly narrowing doors. By the end all the actors resembled clothed Weather Balloons.

The curtain call has one rolling in the aisles as the seven impossibly obese actors come back on stage entirely devastating the set leaving nothing standing with the exception of the stage manager and sound desk operator who have been working backstage keeping things going and the stage falls into final darkness.

The sight of what transpired will stay with me forever. This leaves me with only a couple of questions unanswered. What possesses women to sit in the front row and knit during the whole performance or forget they are not at home and discuss  with each other who they think the murderer is 'out loud'.

Surely they can't beat this one. Ballarat National Theatre – Keep your eyes open for their next production

THE ONLY THING THAT STOPS A BAD GUY WITH A GUN IS A GOOD GUY WITH A GUN?

What unbelievable claptrap. What truly dangerous thinking. The NRA in the United States recently uttered these totally offensive remarks. Thinking along those lines would suggest that to prevent kids being abused by nefarious paedophiles that we train our children to be kiddy-fiddlers.

As recipients of over $200 million from its 4 million members (who possess 79 million guns from 500 Round per Minute Machine Guns down to simple rapid fire Assault Rifles) and contributions from the gun industry it is truly a dangerous body once fronted by Moses who declared they would have to pry the rifle from his cold, dead hands rather than give up the right to shoot people. A kind of National 007. The NRA also suggested that high school students should be permitted to carry guns the result of which would mean parents prying the guns from their child's cold, dead hands.

They blame violent games and exposure to violence in movies as the reason why there is such a surge in the massacre of innocents. One solution they give is that people with mental issues should be prevented from getting hold of guns ignoring the fact that we don't know who is a mental case until they demonstrate it. Nobody even saw the mad bastards in their own military until they began the shoot-em-ups on their own men, and the number of mass shootings and bombing by ex-military personnel is astounding - no - astonishing.

There are dozens of countries with lax gun laws and just as many mad people but gun deaths in those countries are insignificant by comparison and there are just as many crazies in Australia yet we have less than 0.1% of the deaths compared to the United States. Our gun laws, dare I admit it, really became effective only through the determination of Honest John. The partisan politics practiced by the unrestrained vagina's in the U.S Congress, where there is a refusal to compromise on anything, means that there remains the fact that more people suffer from gunshots wounds in Washington than in the whole of Afghanistan which is in the middle of a war.

In the State of California, due to the hard work of ‘The Terminator’ a no questions asked gun buyback has resulted in thousands of illegal weapons coming in off the street and, what is great about this is there are now 30% less gun related incidents in five years.

As an organisation the NRA seems to be totally out of touch with a growing number of Americans. With a population of over 300 million how is it that 4 Million are dictating the laws. I suppose it is very similar to the 40 lesbian vegans that dictate our laws.

As Americans declare they are Dog's chosen race perhaps we suggest that they may be following the Bible literally.

“An eye for an eye. A gun for a gun”.