COUNSELLING

MAXINE’S COUNSELLING

Ovine Para-psychology

If your sheep are seeing things that are not you or a ghostly pair of shears we can exorcise them for you.

Other services include helping them overcome the fear of death

Drug free birthing and countering post-natal depression

Diagnose levels of awareness of what they are

Charges start as low as $25 per. Sheep with bulk discounts above 13 sheep.

SEW EWE THINK DO YOU ?

New book co-authored by Deep Hack
Chop-Ra $24.99

LEND OF THE LONG WHITE CLOUD

So. Hellidays coming up, only a few dollars to spind end want to go somewhere adventurous end exotic? Well, if you leave out exotic, why not take a trip to Nu Zillend. The adventure bet is a little overdone too, lets say some things like getting out of bid might make your heart race a bet.

There is a lot, well some, maybe a couple of adventurous things to do on the South Islend like throwing yourself off a bridge or deshing your hid against rocks...eh I’ve recently returned from a sux wick trip home end I can assure you it was wonderful. I had a real chance to trevel around end enjoy all the good things what I’d left behind.......eh. Thet only took me two days. So I had a lot of time to think up other things to do.

You can git there by Virgin out of Melbourne or by Jetstar. I wouldn’t recommend Emirates as they might have a tendency to blow themselves up and you got to think of your sefety fist...eh.

With sech a good exchange rate for our money accommodation is chip end plentiful ranging from one to two stars. Any mid-range hotel in Aucklend will set you back about fifty sux bucks for the night with discounts if you book on-line. The best hotels will even provide you with breakfast end a telephone in your room. I stayed at the up-market ‘Base’ which even provided me with a portable B&W TV included in the Tariff. We hed rilly good fush end chups just before bid end they are still wrapped in newspapers like the good old days. I thought of renting a van in Nu Zillend but now have the idea of Drivers Licences like in  Oz end I haven’t been tisted so I had to opt for the regular Bus system to git around.

I was wanting to go river rafting, rock climbing, chick out the caves, kemping end shit like thet, to see all the cool places. But they all cost at least $2 to access which very few of us Kiwi’s ever have...eh. The caves close to the meddle of the North Islend have some awesome glow worms. As far as I know you can only see these glow worms in NZ. They are a must see!

Then Rotorua with its old geezers sitting around all day. From there you can take a charter flight over an ective volcano - White Islend - or see the big crater which is a left over of a big earthquake nearly 100 years ago. You need to be careful around all the bubbling pools of mud end shit, end don’t stend too close to any of the Water Geysers cause a lot of people nilly gut het end culled...eh.

You can find beautiful beaches all over, specially on the Coromandel Pensula end up North at the Bay of Islends. You can swum with dolphins in the Buy of Plinty end you can check out the black send beaches of the Wist coast. That's only a small selection of the things you can do on the North Islend. The wither is a bet unpredictable. They say: when you don't like the wither - wait 10 minutes it's going to change by then.

I stayed in Henderson Bay at the Northwind Backpackers Lodge end there were gorgeous beach walks, diving, fishing, swemming, send dune suffing end bush wanks up there. I hadn't been there before. Cape Reinga is definitely worth the extra hours on the bus to see it. I had  only been to Queenstown in the South Islend when I lived there as a little chup so I spent a week there doing all the adventure-y things like white water jitboating, bungee jumping, sky plummeting, ribbit shooting end shit like that. You should take a kemera with you end fillim what you done when your funished...eh

It depends how much money you have rilly... I'd say that Northlend you could do pretty chupply end have fun (as long as the wither is good, which is unlikely) whereas Queenstown I think would be more expensive because it's all geared up for tourists...eh.

Try end avoid spending any more time in the cities then you have to, especially Aucklend. There's not much to do there that you haven't seen better somewhere else, end it’s full of bloody Australians with rilly white skun anyway. Every strip joint I went to had Oz Bouncers outside. It seems that working holidays are all the go here. It was a good night end we rilly gut pest...eh.

Oh! and yeah. Around Christchurch watch out for volcano quacks they can do a bit of dimmage to your holiday.

Well, I hope that’s wetted your eppetite to go to New Zealend. It certainly made me interested in going to Vietnam for my next holiday.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR OWN WINGS DON'T TRY FLYING

OK, so I’m a bit obsessive but maybe that was a good thing. Always checking and double checking things comes naturally but even the best plans come astray. I’ve even driven to Avalon to check I could get to Avalon.

On my way out for my Xmas holidays via Jetstar there was no real drama when the flight from Avalon to Sydney was delayed by 25 minutes because someone forgot to remind one of the Hostesses which flight she was supposed to be on. I thought bugger it, relax, I'm on holidays.

The travel arrangements were almost perfect and it was now time to return home. Deciding that a visit with a good friend would not go astray as I had to depart the motel at 10.00 am but my flight was not until 6.40pm. A good chat and a coffee was never a waste of time. Especially when the friends well know they can meditate my voice from their brains.

The Taxi was booked for 5.20pm, a 15 minute trip to Mascot and by 5.35pm I was walking in the entrance to Terminal 2. Step One: Get to Airport an hour before departure. Step Two: Airport procedure is to then check how flight is going. Find signs. Flight JQ625 delayed - now 7.05pm. No worries. bugger it, I'm on holidays.

 Step Three: Initial check-in electronically. Touch screen, type booking number and tick name and OK you're checked in. Get Boarding Pass and proceed to Security. Empty carry on luggage of laptop and remove trouser belt. (Learnt on flight up). Pass through machine and pack everything up.

Step Four: Turn off mobile phone so I don't forget to do it on the aircraft.

I pass down the staircase to the main level and notice with delight a Toy Shop on the right hand side, just after Security, which is supposed to protect you against explosions, with the astonishing name of KABOOM Fun Stuff for Kids.

Find Aromas Tea and Coffee Merchants at 5.50pm. Relax, Read paper. Proceed to next coffee shop closer to Gate 57 at 6.15pm. While I’m enjoying this second Coffee I hear a Tannoy announcement, cannot decipher a word they said  and then comment to the guy having coffee at the next table that 'It may as well be in Farsi' as neither of us could make out what was being said. My new not so special friend thought it said something about 'Mr.Wong was needed for the next dance” not a word could have been understood. It comes time to check flight again to see if delay is still 25 minutes or now longer.

Electronic screen indicates Flight JQ625 is Now Boarding to depart at 6.40pm. It could be wrong. Relax, bugger it, I’m on holidays but maybe I should go to Gate 57 as quick as I can just in case this indicator is actually correct.

I arrive at Gate 57 at 6.20pm only to be advised that everyone was now boarded and ready to go and basically you're stuffed. You should have been here 30 minutes before the flight. But I am here 30 minutes before the flight if it was to leave at 7.05 as indicated when I arrived.

“We did make two public announcements for you” came the reply.

I then asked if they were in English or in Farsi.

'We did try to ring you'“ they said.

I explained that I had turned my phone off to comply with the aircraft rules. OK so I’d seen those shows where you complain and get nowhere with the airline staff. So I thought 'f...k it, relax, I'm on holidays.'

Now I had to backtrack all the way to the front door and rebook on the 10.05pm flight to Avalon.

“No .. you can't leave your luggage here ..for security reasons” they said.

I mentioned it had already been through the machines. But no - I had to lug everything back the half kilometre through security to the Jetstar Counter. Explain story. Gee we're sorry. Yes we can book you on the 10.05 flight. That's $319.00 Thanks.

'What!' he says, maybe I had misheard the guy. '$319.00?'

'Yes $319.00'.

'But it was only $179.00 Return when I flew up.'

 'Well, it's $319.00 to go back'.

I quickly calculated the cost of a Taxi back to the motel, $190 for the Motel and then a taxi back the next day. That could be dearer than the next flight even at a fair price. F...k it, relax, you're screwed but your still on holiday.

The moral of the story is if you have a car then drive to where you're going. If you fly you're bound to be screwed. So cover your backside in the drivers seat and say to yourself f...k it, relax, I'm on holiday. Step Four. Send a copy to Jetstar and say 'F...k you. I'm going on a driving holiday.'

My thanks to comedian Allan Green for the concept of the story.

"ARL BE BLACK"

Well it is true folks. There are some real idiots in Linton and some of them write for the Astonisher. It was the night before New Years and all round the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. Except for one faux shepherd who decided as a New Year treat that he would burn off all the dry undergrowth so that his sheepies could have more feedies.

Like all good fires it started with a bright spark Just a little one. Just a little slow-burning little grass fire. The wind was calm. The tinder was still mostly green which equals a slow burning fire.

Maybe there was some aboriginal ancestry nearby determined that any smoking ceremony he might try to perform will be a disaster.

To his astonishment the fire began to grow into a big circle burning in all directions. It was thought that when it hit a certain point he would put it out. Ten seconds later it was at that certain point and armed with plastic rake and backpack full of water headed into the smoke.

What hit him first was the smell of burning rubber, looking down took note that his thongs were beginning to melt. Then he could smell burning plastic and took note that the plastic rake was melting into the grass. He imagined at this point that he could smell Moroccan Meatballs amongst the other odours of the smoke.

The idea came to him that he might hop out of the flames into the Ute. One of his astonishing brainwaves said tie a great roll of fencing wire onto the tow-bar and drag it across the flames to smother them.

After taking out a fence post and a plastic water trough that used to be a Ninja Turtle Paddle Pool he headed off into the smoke. A few rumbles, scrapes, screeches and thumps later it hit the smoke and within moments was struck on Mount Vesuvius the huge pile of rocks between the house and the fire. The Ute bottomed and he removed his backside from the vehicle as quickly as he could upon sighting a lick of flame heading for the LPG tank  under his arse.

Surveying his blackened ego  he noticed some damage to the nylon shorts he was wearing, they were not there.  It was much later when he climbed into the shower and took stock. Eyebrows Yes, Hair Yes, Pubes No. That would explain the smell of Mongolian Meatballs that he thought he smelt earlier.

Beating the fire out seemed to be failing as each little fire he put out seemed to set off two little fires somewhere else. He could have piddled faster than the backpack sprayer so he tried that too, along with a lot of spitting. At one point from smoke inhalation he threw up over the flames as well but still to no avail.

He tried the Ashes to Ashes prayer and a bit of crying, even cursed Dorothea McKellar when she didn’t send him some flooding rain.

Was it time to call the CFA? The shepherd knew it had gone well past a Chinese Burn so swallowing his pride along with more smoke dialed 000.

Dumb and Dumber the Alpacas went into a state of panic when they saw the red trucks rumbling down the drive. Do we stand our ground or run into the pall of smoke just behind us?

Mobile One did not look astonished when he saw who had lit this bloody fire but was a bit surprised by the amount of smoke that was bringing on an early sunset.

The blackened figure of the shepherd pointed East toward the house next door and mumbled something like ‘trees, fire, neighbor and house’

Three big red trucks and countless four-wheel drives followed the lead car to the fire and it was not too long before the people of Ballarat could see the sun again and breath a sigh of relief.

We are more likely than not to criticize in this rag but this time we can but only praise. The speed at which the CFA responded was to be commended. They should really have nothing to do but relax on a holiday afternoon. But no, some idiot always has to spoil the fun. Thanks boys and girls especially for not using the sirens that would have been more embarrassing than this story could bare.

Next time the CFA ask for a donation, give it freely, it might be you next.