NEW PUBLICATIONS

Recently, in discussions with our local book and periodical distributor, we hear that the publishers of ‘Hello Magazine’ have made a decision to put out a sister publication called ‘Goodbye Magazine.’

After going to Sydney and speaking directly to the editors involved The Astonisher can now reveal to our readers that due to the unprecedented belief that the stories in Hello are actually all true, that maybe there is a readership in local coffee shops that might like to know what was going on with the dearly departed as well.

This idea of keeping up with the latest news about dead celebrities was prompted by the world wide web sight called ‘watchmerot.com’ which shows relatives the inside of the coffins of recently deceased rellies. They call it a bones and all expose, a big brother entertainment with worms and slugs which can be is more rivetting than the original on Channel 9. We are not sure how to wish them good luck.

On a different note a new ‘How To’ book has been published on ‘Living With A Woman’ with written information and illustrations included in such chapters as ‘How To Recognise The Shit Your Causing’, ‘Keeping A Breast Of Things’, ‘How To Feed Your Favourite Pussy’ or ‘How To Locate A Wandering Clitorus’.

The book comes with the classification of ‘Mmm’, stocked in a clear, sealed wrapper and we are told that the first issue will come with a free throwable plate.

Laboring Hard To Lose

BEAUTY, THE MYSTERY OF THE AGES

What is beauty, how do we come to see it, what gene triggers it or is it picked up through the oohs! and aaghs! of our parents which act as signals for our brain to register what they admire. Of course all this admiration can also progress onto believing you are the most beutiful being in the world and rely on your looks alone to get on in the world. Some of the most beutiful people are also the dumbest and I won’t go anywhere near blonde jokes at this point.

Technically these days its called BMI or Body Mass Index the indicator for beauty. Some like a BMI of 1 others of 50. The bigger the BMI number the more skin you’re likely to be fitted into. Last decade it was wafer thin girls with DD chests, today its buxom beauties with DD buttocks. Who pursuaded us that we should move from admiring what God gave us over to what Botox and Breast enhancements. Why did we move from a set of natural lips to those more likely to be a sexual attraction for a chimpanzee. Are those thick red lips just a visible stand-in for more exciting times.

The beauty of art is one of the hardest to pin down. We all admire (insert your own diety) well constructed rainbows or sunrises and sunsets but what makes some of us think a black background with one little white dot in the middle is preferable to the Moaning Lisa. That somehow the Pietre in Rome is more perfect than a concrete garden gnome, who probably has a bigger donk anyway. Art is most definately in the eye of the beholder and while some of us see the beauty in a lump of clay others see beauty in a dollop of poo.

Once upon a time all the world had were objects you banged, blew or bowed, the drum, rams horn and lute. Over the years these instruments began to proliferate into a thousand weird and wonderful inventions from the mournful trombone to the rattling lagerphone, stringed boxes under the chin up to those derivatives you stuck between your legs. The more instruments that gathered together the bigger the noise and the more varied the music from the gentile Bach to the boisterous Wagner.

Today we have as many forms of music as their are instruments and it is getting harder to work out what you like best. The reverberating feedback of heavy metal down to the lonely harmonics of the mouth organ, from country music to cuntry music, from rock and roll to middle of the road. (See sidebar). We have rock-a-billy, hill-billy and used to boil-a-billy, headbanging, rock opera, opera, light opera and bloody Gilbert and Sullivan. What tells our brain that any of this is good shit or do we just listen to all this crap because someone we admire or is more important than us does?

Beauty in the animal kingdom is used not just to look pretty, its a means by which women get men into the nest and vice-versa, attracting your girlfriend either by an extravagantly useless collection of feathers as with the peacock ‘Hey baby I’ve got more than the Follies Begere’ or by the simple act of dropping a blue milk-bottle seal into your bower. ‘Come to my room…..baby and look at my trinkets’. There’s the rhino with the biggest horn at either end or the tusks that elephants try hide from poachers, the range of bizarre male behaviour in the animal world is beyond counting and this applies to the human ones around you as well.

On a sad note however is the way that we have altered domestic animals like cats and dogs to suit us rather than their potential mate, the bizarre and cruel designs of dogs to the incredible range of cat furs all to make us happy and that in many cases lead to the early demise of the pet through its sheer incapacity to live its life naturally (see sidebar.)

A dog is a dog, a cat is a cat and a chicken is for dinner. We don’t mixup their genes and we should just let them be companion we want them to be.

SIDEBARS

* Middle of the Road Music is usually that noise coming from lifts but to me it means putting it in the middle of the street and letting a car run over it.

** Don’t get us started on the pet dressing up caper, althouigh occasionally I put a warm coat on my mutt. But far worse than that are those humans that believe that ‘Tinkles’ is actually their ‘Baby’. If I had a child that came out all covered in black fur I’d be inclined to run from the room and cut my own penis off.

B.E.A.S.T Employment

The following positons are still available for any interested parties. If you are long-term unemployed you may be required to apply for any these posiitons so it is best you drop in now and apply for the best of the worst that you would prefer not to be doing.

Soft Food and Beverage Manager

Located at ‘Geriatric Land’. Will require knowledge of food blenders. Geriatric Land is located adjacent to Sovereign Hill, a fun park with a lifetime pass good for six months.

Employment Scout

Headhunter for recruitment firm seeks unemployed hookers. Extra cash can be earnt by the right young woman by also selling the ‘On Your Backtins Diet’ a low crab supplement for hookers with high protein intakes.

Security Officer

Back Doorman required by gay brothel.

Giggolo

There are several positons available for this easy lifestyle job. You will require a handsome young swimmers body and well developed muscle. The work entails visiting ladies houses while husbands are away for some light tea-bagging. The householder will provide the hot water.

Perpetually Partner.

Have you thought about becoming a perpetual mail-order bride? There are several men on our list who are not desirous of any permanent arrangements. These men are only after your body for their own pleasure and after they have had enough, which depends on how quickly you whinge, whine and fake headaches, may be quite a rapid turn-around. You may be returned as many as 20 times in as many months but each return allows you to keep his substantial dowry. You will be required to provide your own self-addressed envelope.

Flower Arranger

Local dollar store seeks an artificial flower grower with experience in genetically modified paper. FRee training in higher end Origami will be provided to successful applicant.

Comic Book Artist

If you have expereince in grafitti style graphics an international super-hero franchise based in Linton seeks the services of a Sound FX writer for action scenes in their world famous comic books ‘Batman and his little boy Robin’.

Qualified Auditor and Receiver

Nelson Brothers Funeral Parlour in Linton seek Certified Auditor to appraise books and advise on the most apporpriate way to wind up their company. These iconic local morticians servicing the district for over 150 years have come to the conclusion that it is a dying trade.

BALLET IN THE PUB

It’s a long time ago now tt I first walked into the Railway Hotel and into a discussion about the ending of Swan Lake between male patrons breasting the bar and how she died. It set my mind back a little that the denizons of Linton should even think of raising the subject in such a macho environment. But there it was ‘the swans leap to her death’ in the recent TV production. Rarely does hotel discussion go beyond footy, cricket and bushfires but in recent times I’ve heard mention the credibility or impossibility of global warming, whether shearing and artisitic pursuits are compatible occupations (the thought of a sheep shorn to look like a poodle makes the mind boggle), the ways people carry a take-away coffee, how alcohol is not the most evil health risk, speed limits on roads and whether cars should be banned and we all return to the horse for environmental reasons. But there are rarely esoteric subjects in the mix like why is there selfishness, why are people scared to smile and laugh and why has honesty in business become as scarce as hens teeth?

There is a hotel in Ballarat that promotes ‘Politics In The Pub’ where sensibly sane drinkers can openly discuss each others personal views without having to listen to the ranting of right-wing, homophobic, xenophobic fascists and unable to get a word in edgeways from the resident bullshit artist. Why is it that politics and religion are not suitable subjects for the hotel environment? Without bullying objections it would be nice to be able to hold a sane discussion on these matters, after all religion is all but extinct and we all seem to agree that politicians suck.

It is important that the world, Australia and Linton all progress and that can only be done by someone throwing a subject into the centre of the bar and everyone enjoy the excitement of theoretically bashing each other up. There is nothing wrong with not progressing. Begone all ye un-necessary electronic toys. However but nobody should want to return to the fabled good old days either when men were men, children were kept quiet and women were bashed.

Open your mind, clear out the dust, you never know what you’ll find in there.