NOW GONSKI HAS GONE AS WELL

FROM THE DESK OF ROLAND ALONG

I’ve got a bit of a bone to pick with Centrelink. I don’t have to worry about that mob of pricks so I can say what I like without retribution.

The latest benefit changes for young people mean that if you’ve got a teenager at home then you’re going to responsible for them until they are 22. I expect that this will change in the near future to say that you are responsible for your kids until you enter either a psychiatric facility or a nursing home whichever comes first. That is of course if you don't die working until you are 70. With the cost of private rental it’s all nigh impossible to throw them out to fend for themselves so you’re stuck with them maybe until they marry or find a life partner.

There is also a requirement that if you have not completed your Year 12 Certificate or an equivalent Certificate II qualification (whatever that means) you will need to undertake study or training to qualify for Youth Allowance. On the surface that looks pretty fair until you realise that the training can be in anything they say it is.* It does not necessarily mean you are being trained for any particular job THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF, OR INTERESTED IN but whatever the Training Provider is profiting from most.

Say you are a wiz at computers. Do they find you a job or some training in that field. No. They put you into a Fork Lift Driving Course. (Called Logistics?) But wait for it there is more. The agency that trains you for the Course does not require you to drive a forklift. You can get photographed in one but you cannot drive one. To help you out they give you a Test Sheet in one hand and an ANSWER SHEET in the other. You don’t get to learn to drive one but just pass the Theory Exam. Why is this so? (see also Prof. Julius Sumner Miller). Because you have to be 18 years of age for a Licence. You do the course, you pass the exam but you do not get your Forklift Licence until you are 18. To top it off they say it will be posted to you in 9 weeks (Hand Made Paper?) eventually you have to go and demand your Certificate otherwise it is not given to you. To top it off the Training Providers who I will name—SARINA RUSSO TRAINING CENTRE - DANDENONG** have refused to issue one of the trainees any certificates which are now demanded by Centrelink on pain of losing their benefits. I may also be exposing the inexplicable antics of Job Centres Australia in a later issue.

Now, so say Centrelink, even though you have spent about 3 months of school IN YOUR LIFE, you have the equivalent of Certificate III. Any further training you will have to pay for and that could be upwards of $5,000. What unemployed child let alone a parent can afford this money. I can see why young people are frustrated. I can feel sympathy for them when they drink themselves stupid. I understand why they are becoming increasingly violent towards society in general.

When you see that T.A.F.E's and Universities are being defunded to pour more money into these private money-making companies, many of whom have close contact with the decision makers then it makes me sick to the stomach. Government of all persuasion have one thing to consider and one thing only and that is the welfare of their citizens, and apart from some instances in the A.C.T I see little evidence of that anywhere in Australia. 

You can't get a job without training, you can't get training unless you front up with $5,000 and the training you get is next to useless anyway. What is it with business today? Where a kid starts is usually where they will be most loyal. What does it cost employers to keep hiring and firing half-trained young people?

Now I, and you hopefully, will understand why the young person serving your Coffee is so bloody surly and uncooperative. It's the only sodding job they can get with their University Degree. The next time a Barrister spills coffee on you just remember why they’re so pissed off.

* This is typical of government. It is on the Statute Books that the Commissioner of Taxation has the right to define what is a Tax and what is not. So if you appeal to them about being Taxed they can declare that what you paid is not a Tax or vice-versa depending on whether they’ve had afternoon tea or not.

** To demonstrate how well these slave traders are doing the Sarina Russo Group own at least five commercially valuable buildings in Brisbane which is their base of operations as well as 219 Johnston Street, Fitzroy in Melbourne. The course participants spend their nine weeks not in training but loading water bottles for some African Charity. Is this slavery outside Africa? It’s our taxes that are funding these private concerns to the tune of millions of dollars of Taxpayers money supposedly training people AND placing people in employment instead they are used to increase the profits of the providers. The former Prime Ministers wife is a multi-millionaire from ownership of a group of these same quasi-training centres. I know of one project in NSW which places on the ground 72 employment projects worth around $3,444,000 which actually carried a State Budget of over $7,000,000. More than half of the cost was tied up paying the bureaucracy to supervise the projects.

Post Script: 

Australia only has a stable government and compliant citizenry because the majority of Australians are so complacent they can't even get out of their own way.  You get what you vote for, you cop what you don't fight against.

POOR DOG (OR IS HE ?)

I’m not sure whether we should ever dare to under-estimate the intelligence of dogs. Maybe if our politicians took some notice of them we might have more sensible laws than ever emanated from the Federal Department of Stupidity.

For a brief moment let us just float off into the realms of fantasy and try to imagine, as they sit there looking fondly into our eyes, what these mutts are really thinking.

Dogs do have a stupid side just like we humans. Take for example the day that I installed a Doggie Door. It was this occasion that made me believe that maybe he was a little dyslectic. At first he was happy to enter and exit through the flap and all was good in the world.. However after a couple of days I attached a sign found in the shed which read ‘Beware Of The Dog’.

Well … it seems I had put the non-existent cat in amongst the non-existent pigeons for after that attachment he stood back trembling and unable to use it. Asking him what was wrong his reply surprised me.

“I’m not going in there” he said, “that sign says beware of the God.”

“Don’t be silly”, I said, “that word is Dog”

“I don’t care, even if it’s a dog do you think I’’m going through that flap to be mauled?”

The dog also seems to worry about where he is going whenever we drive away from home he whimpers and whinges and drools constantly all over the dashboard of the car. However, when driving back home he curls up on the passenger seat or his fluffy pillow behind the passengers seat and drifts to wherever dogs drift off to.

While Peppie is out of the room, probably for a poop, I might mention that the poor thing has such a low image of himself and a self-esteem that is almost non-existent, he worries like mad every time I leave the room, he wants to be my constant companion and seems to find great pleasure in nuzzling up against my bag of nuts when he sits with me on the lounge watching ‘Wibbly Pig’.

He will not leave me alone it’s like living with an obsessive compulsive body hugger, and the eyes, the bloody eyes, they constantly follow you around the room either looking sad and depressed as if contemplating suicide or bright and happy as if he just found an endless tube of bone marrow.

Medically speaking dogs must have extremely acidic tummies almost capable of dissolving rocks. He can gnaw down a bone the size of a steers leg to swallowing size in one sitting but it doesn’t come back out that way. I seem to expect that he should be grimacing in pain trying to pass a sheeps shank out his anus in the same condition it went in.

I noticed too that he can be a tad jealous at times if he thinks his position might be being usurped. The day I brought home my first two goats, Mum Donna Kebab and her son Shish, Peppie was eager to hop up into the tray of the ute so I allowed him in. Immediately he was up and mounting Donna to show her who was the boss around here. I separated them and put the goats in the small yard for quarantine.

The next morning, after he realized that the goats did not sleep in the house he was content to let them be. He’s good with the goats although there is the occasional brief confrontation between them over some misunderstanding in the yard. Usually while Peppie is playing marbles with their droppings.

As an aside, I advise readers not to purchase goats from anyone down a Teesdale. The first morning in quarantine showed every indication of a massive infestation of worms in their guts to the point where four week old Shish was a close to karking it just as I am preparing to let them loose.

A good drench a week apart and they are fine again. However I do believe that the impossibly slow growth of Shish was caused by these worms. After six months he is little bigger than when I first brought him to Godfrey Zone.

Since becoming the foster parent of a whippet there are a number of things I have noticed about dogs.

Unlike Alpacas they know when to come in out of the rain just like we humans.

To smell like as Fox you roll in their shit and then come and sit on the Lounge. Fox Poo is particularly nasty.

They know how not to do things for themselves. Even though he has a doggie door I still find I am occasionally opening the whole door for him.

If humans really are at the top of the evolutionary tree how come it’s us who have to pick up their poo.

Dogs know how to give you ‘the eyes’’, little wonder we always run out of the best biscuits.

“Alright but this is the last bickie!””

Yes - Dogs are sometimes smarter than us.

“ I don’t sleep in your bed why do you try to sleep in mine”

I suppose I should sum up this story with a couple more short tales. I have already mentioned that he seems a little dyslectic and I’m sure he’s trying to tell me he has Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, he has difficulty concentrating on the television even when ‘Wilfred’ is on and seems he is overly worried about the fact he might get Procrastinate Cancer if I don’t keep providing him with big bones.

He is presently on a diet having topped twenty kilo’s from his normal sixteen and seems to dislike me calling him Lardarse and claiming he is just big boned. His weight gain was more than likely being brought on by the fact that he had recently lost a couple of gonads somewhere in Ballarat. What a day that was, the moment he realized he was about to lose them he went off like a bloody Catherine Wheel that had fallen off its stick and his tail grabbed at every stick of furniture between the front door and the sleeping theatre.

When asked by his girlfriend Diva where they had gone he claimed that he had hit his head, got percussion and they had just fallen off so as to avoid admitting he had been taken advantage of.

OPERATION THREE STARS

FROM THE DESK OF

ROLAND ALONG

Before this story starts lets first identify who is going to be the Supremo of this operation to rid the country of non-whites. Mr. Rabbit referred to El Supremo as a Three-star General. That’s interesting. Does he know that Australia has no YYY officers, but Indonesia does. Maybe instead of an Australian Field Marshall, which we don’t have, we will be guided by Indonesian YYY General Hoho Yodiyoyo the hero of Timor perhaps. Thank heavens the Governor-General is the Commander of our Military Forces.

We are being invaded by the yellow hoard, the red hoard and the black hoard. In the last ten years at least 0.000001% of our population are illegal arrivals including 457 visa over-stayers and itinerant backpackers that don’t want to go home. Is that reason to scream National Emergency? The point has come where hysteria has overtaken logic and reason, where xenophobia and nationalism, the ideals that most thinking Australians abhor, threatens to strangle us in our beds and steal our kittens.

Maybe we should be reminded that it is us, the Western World, that is invading these countries and destabilising their region and creating the very rod with which we now beat ourselves.

Not long ago we all believed that Pauline Hanson was an uneducated right wing nationalist bigot, today many Australians are beginning to look and act just like her. Yesterdays political terrorist today’s political hero? As Great Leader Howard said in his famous speech. “We will decide who comes to this country and under what conditions, we will let America decide who we attack and under what conditions and we will send our troops all the way with L.B.J ?”

Lets get serious. Are we determined to destroy the existing good relations with our neighbours? Can we sustain Papua for the next half-century with Australian Tax money? Are we prepared to waste our money in Papua given their endemic crime, tribal wars and corruption problems, not even mentioning the fact that the Papuan Opposition Parties want squash the whole idea? Liberals put the cost of their policy at $10 million but in the last decade we have spent $3 Billion on the problem, is that a realistic estimate.

Labour has signed agreements with Port Moresby to take the boat people. Now that the Liberals are in will they be willing to maintain that back-rubbing agreement? There are a lot of questions still to be answered that neither party has even thought about yet. A billion dollars went up in flames on Manus Island and for another billion dollars they’re rebuilding it. May not that be better spent on housing for the aged at home?

Port Moresby via Thursday Island is much closer then West Timor. If I was an advisor to people smugglers I would be suggesting they move to free and open Port Moresby and re-ship the refugees to Australia. Papua won’t mind, once they have the money in their pockets who is going to care?

The itinerary from SMUGGLETRAVEL might look something like: - Fly to Malaya - short boat trip to one of 7,000 Indonesian Islands - bus across Indonesia to West Timor - leaky boat into Australian waters - sink the boat - Australia rescues and transport free of charge to Christmas Island - free trip to Port Moresby - short trip to Thursday Island - BBQ lunch - and afternoon trip to Cape York - and welcome to Australia, mind the step up. There is an alternative too. The refugees could move across Indonesia to West Papua and then walk across the border. No need for boats and no need for people smugglers. The one drawback is running the gauntlet of warring tribes of head-hunters in the ungovernable area between East and West Papua.

Can we tow vessels back into Indonesian waters without a diplomatic incident? Laws of the sea don’t apply to us unless you’re an English speaking sailor on a sinking yacht near Antarctica. Can we expect Indonesia to respect our Territorial Waters if we ignore theirs. Fishing boats for example? This should have been called ‘Operation Sovereign Attack’ for that is what it is. A cold war is about to kick off with our neighbours and we have started it.

How can Mr. Rabbit of the Liberals say that he was advised by retired military experts that this was the way to go when only ten years ago Mr. Howard of the Liberals stated that retired military experts were out of touch with present day trends and should not be giving advice. You can’t have it both ways.

We predict that the new trend for people smugglers will be, on sighting an Australian vessel, begin the process of sinking their boat with a rescue boat exclusively for them standing by, and to leave the refugees to their fate. It’s already being done and it will continue unabated. As the war on drugs has failed due to us not addressing the root cause, so the refugee ‘crisis’ will fail unless we help stabilise the countries they are coming from.

Finally we going to eventually need these illegal entrants anyway. The promise to create 2 million jobs by the new Liberal Government (for US readers read ‘;Republicans’) when the unemployment figure is only 635,000 . To meet their target we will need an increase of at least 250,000 migrants a year. It doesn’t make sense to us but apparently made sense to enough of the electorate to replace the incumbent morons with new cretins.

ON ART

Everyone admires Art differently. One can almost walk into any Gallery and find some of the most unreal interpretations of life from birth to death, in paint, metal, plaster and even old recycled gladbags.

To me to look at a red circle on a white background, or watch a light go on and off in an empty room every five seconds is not ‘Art’. Any dope can do that and win prizes. But Art in the form of country scenes and portraits is not Art either, it is merely a reproduction, a photograph if you like, of what can be see in the everyday world around us.

So why do thousands of people Oooooooooh! Aaaaagh! and sip Champagne whilst moving themselves around in the right circles at the latest exhibition of Peter Prozac’s ‘Things Stuck To Things’, or Margaret Mogodon’s ‘Works in Junk from Vinnies.”

Is it a way by which the rich can bullshit to each other? Does it keep people, who can’t paint or sculpt in employment just by talking about them?

“You can feel the drama, sup on the juices of angst, imagine why he hated his Mother when he did this piece. He must have agonised over this for years until he could get it down right.”

So the bald little poonce with the beret and oversized cravat was telling the transgender person in front of me at the latest showing of Alistair Duck-Fountain and his marvellous rendition of “Australian Voters”.

When I got to the painting all I saw was an immense scrotum being screwed tight in a carpenters vice. Where was the drama and the angst? Did he hate his Mother because he was born with these things? Did she screw them into the vice? It certainly would have not taken me years to scribble a pair on a piece of paper. Some people can draw them in seconds on the back of dunny doors and throw in some very creative poetry at the same time.

Is Art the skill of reproduction, the skill of making tangible that which is intangible, or is just a way to fill in time for someone? You have to be dead as well as dead lucky to make any real money from Art, so what use is it to the individual Artist?

Lets face it the Art Gallery is a gathering place for a whole lot of people who need to get a life. Then why was I there? Was it the challenge of surviving intact closely packed in with all these sexually ambiguous men and women? Was it because I was a bit depressed and needed a good laugh?

No … It was an attempt to explore another realm in the kingdom of life and to challenge my deep down antipathy for abstract Art.

Art comes from the heart. It is something in ones soul. It is not reproducing the existing but to explore ones inner self. So someone else may see something with meeting when all I see is a monstrosity. So maybe the little poonce was really saying something with a bit of truth in it. But I don’t know if I would want my privates on display for posterity clamped in a vice.

The Art of sculpting requires a lot of skill. Had Michelangelo made one slip on the Pietre he may have had to turn them into two little musketballs at the foot of the sculpture?

All of us, every man, woman and child, have the ability to be artistic in some way.

The Art of painting is open to all, whether it be on canvas or on a wall. The Art of writing is something that I desperately seek to perfect. It is probably more pleasing to be read by some than to be seen or heard.

‘Art is only Art if someone tells you it is’

A MOMENT WITH MARY

You’ll recall that there will be 11 billion stories in Victoria just about sheep by 2025. We’ve discussed the problems with the sheep now we should look at some of the other issues confronting us if we all become Vegans. You’ve obviously seen the TV ads about all the noxious gases given off by animals including ourselves. What are we going to do as humans beyond inserting plugs similar to those we shove in our ears or maybe insert plastic tubes and collect all the methane for cooking and heating? Of course we might have a bit of an entanglement problem.

What are the consequences to plant life as we know it. Well, say goodbye to any plant under 110cm tall, except maybe bloody pine trees. The vegetable garden that you’ve been tending carefully with sheep poop will require some hefty fencing, no more little strips of plastic or upturned bottles, and of course give up any hope of a garden unless protected by steel girders that can hold back an elephant. PETA sees fencing them in as cruelty too, you can say ta-ta to national parks, botanical gardens and roadside flora of any significance. I don’t know if even Goats will eat Gorse.

Expect to drive very slowly through unruly mobs of sheep walking along our Expressways and increased tension between customers and sheep in the Supermarket car-park.

There will be a whole new meaning to ‘packing a trunk’, or ‘feeding the chooks’. Some sayings will quickly get you into strife like ’stone the crows’, ‘smacking the monkey’ or ‘I’ll go and stuff the Chicken’.

PETA have a principal and I respect that but they obviously don’t have any members who are mathematicians or they would see the ridiculous folly of their cause. I would love to hear from any vegetarian (vegan or not) to argue their case. Come on now someone out there must be upset with this article?

AND VEGANS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR JUST PLAIN CONDOMS EITHER.

'To that end, (contraception) Trojan makes latex condoms as well as ones made of biodegradable LAMBSKIN. Other brands offer a vegan variety that replaces the dairy product in latex condoms with cocoa powder. And no, they don't all taste like chocolate'.

Adiós Mary Firstcross

THE YOUTH IN ASIA COLUMN

‘for old people planning to go somewhere else’

Working in conjunction with ‘Vegans ‘R’ Us’ a startling new ’crazy’ cigarette plan has been devised by the Medical Lobby to foist upon us yet again another unworkable solution which the Department of Stupidity is about to introduce into State P:arliament.

Historically prior to 1965 this Department was responsible to ensure that anyone who succesfully committed suicide could face up to 2 years imprisonment, and as recently as 1900 was actually considered so serious that you could face the Death Penalty. In the United States you even had to be proven healthy before you could be put to death.

Since the creation of Solicitors and the Black Death whenever a law has been invented to protect one person it has caused disadvantage to ten others. As a result we have Law Books so convoluted and complicated to sort the mess out that it can take teams of lawyers years just to interpret them. For example the unravelling and interpretation of the Dead Sea Scrolls was done in half the time it took to work out what the Magna Carta really stood for.

Biofuels are a perfect example of one disadvantaging another. Metal-studded, dreadlocked Vegans who look like they’ve been dressed by austistic Chimpanzees have been developing alternative fuels from Corn. The result has been huge price increases and shortages in the supply of corn and maize products. So that one ’environmentally conscious wanker’ can run his car ten kilometres on creamed corn it has meant the potential starvation of ten African children. Like the myth that electric cars don’t pollute, the reality of alternative fuels results in the poor getting poorer as the clawing of fossil fuels from the ground with bare hands provides less and less income. Gina Reinhardt even wants more bare hands to claw her ores from our soil at the rate of ten Caraway seeds to the ton. (I’m not sure that Rich Fat Sluts even know what a Caraway seed is?)

But we were meant to be chiselling about cigarettes. One reason why the tax rate for everyone has risen over the last two decades has been because of the falling revenue from fags. When the government speaks of widening the tax base what they really mean is that revenues from Cigarette Taxes are falling away and they have to raise their salary from somewhere So my argument is that by creating a law that reduces the tax being paid by smokers around ten other Australians who don’t smoke have to take up the slack. Even though the health system may be over-burdened by cancer patients it is those same cancer patients who funded the hospitals in the first place.

And what about the promoters of democracy and freedom, the right to choose and God’s gift of free willy. Democracy means government by the people, not the non-smokers, by the electorate not the religious fanatics, but by the good and the bad, the sane and the mad, the smokers and drinkers and even the fornicators. We all want the right to live and in the future also the right to die. So if we want to live by smoking we should be allowed to die by cancer.

And what about the bans. If we ban smoking we unleash another Al Capone. If we can’t get smokes we will enrich the blackmarket and the Mafia. The cigarette manufactures have al;eady said that they want prohibiton of cigarettes brought on and admitted their profits would double within the year. Prohibition in the United States brought on organised crime with a vengeance, the United States involvement in Vietnam brought on massive drug addiction with even greater vengeance. Are we not all just latent adolescents waiting for someone to say something is bad to unleash that desire in all of us to be ‘naughty’.

What about tourism, the government wants it, but how many smokers will visit when their smokes are confiscated at the airport. At least 75% of Asians smoke and they are our tourist future, or will we like Crown Casino, permit visitors to smoke but not our own citizens. A Smoking Visa?

Like sport and drugs where there is money there is corruption. NSW has a 200 year history of being naughty

Premier Bob Askin or Judge Murray Farquar or entrepreneur Alan Bond all got caught with their fingers in the till.The cost of maintaining law, already more than the cost of crime, will escalate even further and the general taxpayer, you and I, will cop the entire bill for all this stupidity.

Banning cigarettes will lead to a bad case of cancer for the whole country. Will all states agree, like gun laws, like railway lines, like computerised ticket devices.

We already have a cancer in our governments at all levels what about banning them to save our own health? Our health experts seem to have forgotten that smoking raw marijuana is seven times more like to cause cancer?

Tobacco will be illegal but soon marijuana will be legal you can’t smoke a pipe but you can smoke a toke? Something tells me there is going to be a surge in sales for tweezers and cigarette cases.

Earl Grey

IF YOU VALUE YOUR PRIVACY DON'T TELL TAXI DRIVERS WHERE YOU WANT TO GO

P.E.T.A PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED POOPS

And that allows us to segway into the subject of P.E.T.A which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which is supported by the Rabid Vegan Lobby and not as someone suggested to me as 'People for the Eating of Treated Agriculture' which is a different group supported by the Genetic Modification Lobby.

I think that our first argument against this truly crazy cult is that if God didn’t want us to eat animals then why did he give us the spear and the fishing rod. According to his novel animals were created and put on this earth (at least the ones saved by Noah) to serve mankind and I don’t think he meant for them to work at Café No.80 as waiters or servers or whatever the latest nomenclature is for putting plates down and picking them up again.

So if they don’t believe in God then what do they believe in, here are ten examples from the P.E.T.A Code of Ethics.

1. Humans should not eat honey because that is stealing the bees hard work.

2. As we do not pay our animals that is akin to ‘slavery’.

3. The confinement of animals against their will is contrary to the law of ‘habeus corpus’.

4. Animals are given no Public Holidays nor Annual Leave.

5. Female animals are not allowed to enjoy ‘Labour Day’.

6. Animals should not be forced to grow unwanted skin, fur, wool or feathers just to meet market demand.

7. Cows should be permitted to give free milk to every sucker that comes along.

8. Milkers should be forced to warm their hands first.

9. Dogs should be free to sniff everyone’s butt.

10. All animal slaughter facilities should be forced to close the week before Sunday.

But do true Vegans understand the horror taking place when they eat their toasted facuchio?, fuckarchio? pinnochio? Bloody hell - when they eat their tomato and lettuce sandwiches.

We are told by the most avid gardeners (who know all about growing things) that talking to your flowers invigorates them. And how does a seed know which way to grow? This would indicate that they can hear us which would support the argument that vegetables have brains. If they have brains, they have veins, and air, and nerves, sex and all the other things that make up life. Bloody hell…. eating vegetables is Cannabalism. O.M.G

Now I feel guilty about the Mung Beans sautéed in Cogi Berry Juice not just about the Pigs Nipple Chips I bought at the Markets. What would vegans feel about the grubs and bugs they eat accidentally in the garden salad their neighbour tosses onto their plate, or the spiders and bugs consumed when sleeping with your mouths open.

Sometimes, every now and then people who believe in some of this rubbish should sit down in a quite place on a regular basis and either reconsider how stupid they really are or just take a knife and slit their wrists. After all they’d be doing us a favour in volunteering to become compost, which will grow grass, which will then be eaten by a bloody goat. What a turn up for the books that would be - being eaten by the very animal you just saved.

BEN DENISE