THE LINTON WORLD OF CORKS

What does one do with old reduntant buildings in Linton now that the CFA has moved to their spacious new lodgings just South of town.

Well, something we don’t have is a proper Museum. The Historical Society has a small museum with a limited collection of artifacts related to the town but these societies are plentiful in the general scheme of things and too be honest, although of great interest, has all the excitement of a carpet remnant showroom.

No. We need something totally unique.

In Australia we have so many ‘World Of …..’ . Every possible object or idea has been thought about it is hard to find something totally different. In in all my research however I have yet to find a ‘World of Corks’. That’s right, new ones, old ones, used ones and artwork made from them. In this day and age of screwtops, ring pulls and poppers the use of corks is becoming less common. Only in the rarified atmosphere of the best wines and champagnes - those that average around $2 per.grape - are corks still in vogue,

The idea that Linton could be the central suppository of all things cork is a valid one. As time progresses the younger generation will appreciate the wonder of this natural product and a suggestion that a Cork Tree actually be planted with the collection. The museum proper could display corks from bottles and some that still intact as a demonstration of their flexibility. Other exhibitions could demonstrate cork flooring, walls and ceilings, cork boards with pins, and duck bird corks the type used to prevent ducks from sinking. We might even be able to demonstrate the use of burnt corks in a daily Black and White Minstrel Show. A demonstration of removing corks from bottles with cutlasses and teeth, the possibilities are endless.

This idea has so much potential that the Astonisher has already started by donating 736 different used corks from red wine bottles and 201 from sparkling wine including Champagne and Porphry Pearl. So with nearly a thousand bottle corks we are almost ready to start putting them on display.

We are now looking to recruit several of the towns artistic community capable of creating unique works of art from cork. Any volunteers?

ABOUT PROVENANCE AND ALL THAT

If you have watched 'The Collectors' on ABC or 'Antiques Roadshow' on a commercial channel? You have? Then you will have heard of this word.

prov·e·nance  (pr v -n ns,-näns) noun
1. Place of origin; derivation.
2.
a. The history of the ownership of an object, especially when documented or authenticated. Used for artworks, antiques, and books.
b. The records or documents authenticating such an object or the history of its ownership.

Here is a surefire way, if you are a Second-Hand Dealer or the operator of a Craft Shop like Country Comfort, or actually make Handcrafted Goods to enhance your sales, increase interest in local producrs or to add value.

People who buy antiques or home-made products have a real interest in where it came from, it's history, how it was made and who made it. You will also know that good Provenance with an object also increases its value many times over. A handkerchief is just that, but a handkerchief that may have been used by Bill Clinton to mop up stains will have additional value because it's a one off, or at least we hope so.

If you want to increase an objects value, even after its sale to someone else then a photo of the maker (yourself?) and a quick biography along with dates times and places would be a great advantage, especially if the photo is of the person actually making the object at the time.

If you are able to I would suggest if you have any knowledge of an object, even if you still have it at home and don't wish to part with it just yet, that you sit down at your computer, Open a write program and record concisely all that you know about your favourite object. Who made it, when it was made or when and where you acquired it. Any historically accurate data that comes to mind.

Having done that you should print it out and store it somewhere safe, preferably with the object. Pasted to the back of a painting is one place or folded up inside that vase or piece of pottery.

Have you ever tried to describe something and ended up looking more like a Marcel Marceau impersonator. Claiming for Insurance can be a nightmare so if you have any valuable objects then I suggest you extend a Provenance to everything of substance in the house.

If you are computer literate and have a digital camera it is also great for Insurance purposes to have a photo of all your valuables as well. Print out a copy of the provenance, insert the image and file it in a place safe from fire and water damage. Note serial numbers and any other identifying marks (this helps if some miscreant decides they want to relocate your valuables to a Pawn Shop.) I have even thought about committing everything to a USB stick and leaving it with relatives. So might you.

Finally. You might have purchased the object just yesterday. But what happens if it lasts longer than the five years things are made for these days. That empty Pickle Jar you collected rather than recycle will, somewhere, sometime, somehow be worth something to somebody. It has provenance already with the 'Use-by-date'. Good wine and even the rubbish wine come to think of it has a vintage or a bottling date for just that reason. Wine Buffs like me who pay anything up to $6.99 for a good bottle of wine set them aside for later consumption maybe a day or ten years later. The longer you keep wine it will either increase in value or tend to morph into Vinegar.

If you cannot do it yourself then I might suggest that paying me around 10 grand to do it for you might be a bit expensive for you but very advantageous for me.

Do it now or forever regret it after you survey the burnt out wreck that used to be your home.

Buyer be sure BUTCH 

LA NOCHE DE LAS PERRAS

Translated into English this is 'The Night of the Bitches' and it is a tradition in the town of Cerro Mono Blanco (which sounds like White Ceremony but is actually White Cute Hill – just a bit more trivia for you to wade through) in the Province of Caternaco in Mexico. (Or joo purists will say Mehico). It's origin dates back over 2,000 years and celebrated on the first Friday of March each Year. It's origin was initiated duirng the time that many healers, sharmans and fortune-tellers existed and where many myths about what makes a husband hide in his shed and legends about women getting men to do things that don't want to do were born.

Translated into an Australian context 'The Night of the Bitches' could be when every woman over the age of 18 could be let free from the drudgery of work (for which they would still be paid) or the mind numbing boredom of housework (men would were the apron for the night) and they would all go out for a Girls Night Out or some older women would call a 'Knees Up'. (it would be interesting to find out where that term came from. Has it something to do with sex or childbirth?)

But you ask how this would promote tourists to our village. Simple. Imagine a few hundred women descending on your town determined to whoop it up with a lot of squeaking with delight and screaming for the male stripper to 'get it all off''. The dozens of 'chicken vol-au-vents' and mini-bottles of Champers. The cases of Gin and the litres of Tonic. The Porphry Pearl and that stuff in Chianti Bottles before you put a candle in them.

The local Police could decorate the cells at the Station with Lace Curtains and Petti-point Cushions for those ladies with arresting attributes. Of course female Solicitors would be handy too but they would have the night off as well and could possibly already be in the cells.

THOUGHT FOR THE MONTH

‘WHAT DO XENOPHOBES EAT?’

I would have called this last little bit ‘SPAM from the Internet’, but under the rules of vegetarianism we might have to begin calling it ‘TOFU’.

ABOUT PROVENANCE AND ALL THAT

If you have watched 'The Collectors' on ABC or 'Antiques Roadshow' on a commercial channel? You have? Then you will have heard of this word.

prov·e·nance  (pr v -n ns,-näns) noun
1. Place of origin; derivation.
2.
a. The history of the ownership of an object, especially when documented or authenticated. Used for artworks, antiques, and books.
b. The records or documents authenticating such an object or the history of its ownership.

Here is a surefire way, if you are a Second-Hand Dealer or the operator of a Craft Shop like Country Comfort, or actually make Handcrafted Goods to enhance your sales, increase interest in local producrs or to add value.

People who buy antiques or home-made products have a real interest in where it came from, it's history, how it was made and who made it. You will also know that good Provenance with an object also increases its value many times over. A handkerchief is just that, but a handkerchief that may have been used by Bill Clinton to mop up stains will have additional value because it's a one off, or at least we hope so.

If you want to increase an objects value, even after its sale to someone else then a photo of the maker (yourself?) and a quick biography along with dates times and places would be a great advantage, especially if the photo is of the person actually making the object at the time.

If you are able to I would suggest if you have any knowledge of an object, even if you still have it at home and don't wish to part with it just yet, that you sit down at your computer, Open a write program and record concisely all that you know about your favourite object. Who made it, when it was made or when and where you acquired it. Any historically accurate data that comes to mind.

Having done that you should print it out and store it somewhere safe, preferably with the object. Pasted to the back of a painting is one place or folded up inside that vase or piece of pottery.

Have you ever tried to describe something and ended up looking more like a Marcel Marceau impersonator. Claiming for Insurance can be a nightmare so if you have any valuable objects then I suggest you extend a Provenance to everything of substance in the house.

If you are computer literate and have a digital camera it is also great for Insurance purposes to have a photo of all your valuables as well. Print out a copy of the provenance, insert the image and file it in a place safe from fire and water damage. Note serial numbers and any other identifying marks (this helps if some miscreant decides they want to relocate your valuables to a Pawn Shop.) I have even thought about committing everything to a USB stick and leaving it with relatives. So might you.

Finally. You might have purchased the object just yesterday. But what happens if it lasts longer than the five years things are made for these days. That empty Pickle Jar you collected rather than recycle will, somewhere, sometime, somehow be worth something to somebody. It has provenance already with the 'Use-by-date'. Good wine and even the rubbish wine come to think of it has a vintage or a bottling date for just that reason. Wine Buffs like me who pay anything up to $6.99 for a good bottle of wine set them aside for later consumption maybe a day or ten years later. The longer you keep wine it will either increase in value or tend to morph into Vinegar.

If you cannot do it yourself then I might suggest that paying me around 10 grand to do it for you might be a bit expensive for you but very advantageous for me.

Do it now or forever regret it after you survey the burnt out wreck that used to be your home.

Buyer be sure BUTCH

BUTCH THE MARKETING GURU

DRESS AS CHINESE DIGGERS DAY.

For those who watch South Park you will remember the episode where they had to make sure everyone in the Frontier Theme Town ‘stayed in character’ regardless of the consequences. For those who don’t watch it because it’s a bit too ‘risqué’ you will be wandering what the hell I’m talking about. The theme of the show was that South Park Schoolchildren visit their local version of ‘Sovereign Hill’. While they are their they are held hostages by Terrorists and the the F.B.I and C.I.A are caled in to rescue them. Even with adults and children being slaughtered all around them by incompetant federal agents the staff and volunteers of the theme park stay in perfectly character and even ask about things not invented in 1860 - like telephones and wristwatches.

There should be some way that we can celebrate our Gold Mining Heritage and the unsung, extraordinary hard work of the Chinese in this areas history. So much is owed to these ‘diggers’ and ‘shop-keepers’ that we should respectfully demonstrate our willingness to recognise their work.

A day should be set aside once each year where all of the townsfolk of Linton, taking a leaf out of the Railway Social Club Dress-up Book, should deck ourselves out as any of the peoples of Asia but especially the Chinese and spend the day going about town in this attire. The important thing for the day would be for everyone to stay in character, and with all seriousness, refuse to understand any English being spoken by people passing through and Tourists. A shrug of the shouldesr would be a common answer to most questions by strangers.

Very little effort is required and not a lot of planning but like Red Nose Day and Blue Jeans Day and come in Mufti to work day, it has the psychological effect of putting ourselves in their shoes for just a little while and getting a little enjoyment from the experience.

Imagine when they got home all the travellers would be talking about this little townthey stopped at just outside Ballarat where they were astonished to find nobody spoke any English?

What a great learning experience too for the children from Linton Primary to participate.

更下个的月 Butch

THE IDEAS BOX

ANTS

Many ant species can be found creeping and crawling around like Viet Cong revolutionaries and generally making a nuisance of themselves wherever you go. Inside the house they quickly find those lollies you left next to the lounge. Outdoors they can smell a Hamburger and Chips an awfully long way away. Ants, although a necessary part of natures environment, can sometimes even be as annoying as younger brothers and sisters.

A nice way to make them go somewhere else is to use natural repellants like Bay, Camphor, Chilli, Citronella or Eucalyptus. These don’t do much harm to little humans either.

Outdoors you can stop them crawling up the legs of tables to join you for lunch by simply placing each leg of the table in some water in jar lids, saucers or cut down old food tins. It is well known that ants do not like getting wet and will do anything to avoid a bath.

If you’re at the Footy and you don’t like them crawling up your legs another great idea is to wear a pair of rubber boots and fill them with water. They will hate you and leave you alone.

Ants beware.

The Running of the Alpacas

Country Towns already hold goat races, sheep races, frog hopping contests, pig calling and greasy pole climbing, somewhere there may even be a Maypole or Morris Dancing.

We’ve had the biggest Ute Muster, Bi-centennial Cattle Musters and even a Muster of Peacocks. We have big Bananas and Big Potatoes, Apples, Oranges, Fish and Crabs in fact even a Big Wellington Boot in Tully. We have thrown everything from mobile phones to cabers to cow-pats and even had a gathering of ‘Tossers’. This idea actually comes from Pamplona in Spain from their tradition of the ‘Running of the Bulls’.

Every Year and I suggest April Fool’s Day, as that also coincides with my birthday, we could invite Alpaca Owners and Breeders, maybe through their own Association, to gather in Linton for this exciting new blood sport. I’ll explain that later.

Council would be asked to close part of the Highway for the day, there are lots of suitable diversions such as via Cape Clear, so that sufficient parking would be available for the Arena Spectacular which would be set up at the Recreation Reserve. Mr.G might be happy to produce the show for us.

This would allow for a ‘showing off’’ of the animals that are taking part. Reason one to boast about speed and agility, and reason two to identify the owner of the alpaca which has just invaded your flower garden.

Sussex Street could be decked out with flags and bunting and other things to hide behind whilst marauding ‘quasi-camels’ come squealing up Brooke Street..

From the Sporting Complex the race would hopefully follow Sussex Street to the ‘finishing post’ in Edinburgh Reserve.

Now for an explanation of ‘blood sport’ in the introduction. Alpacas are very good at chasing after animals that shouldn’t be on your property, our two make remarkable noises if a dog comes within 50 Metres, and I think it’s been mentioned before that the Ginger Cat next door doesn’t last long on our side of the fence. The most notable is to see off any marauding foxes. Hence the blood.

I’m sure with a little encouragement our local Police Officer Tony Walker could nominate one or two suitable young miscreants around town, of a size suitable to dress up in a fox costume in lieu of home detention, or maybe the survivors’ prize could equal that of any outstanding fines. Doused liberally with fox urine the young person could be given thirty seconds head start before every Alpaca owners on the Oval fling wide their starting gate and let them rip.

What a wonderful international event. I’m sure it would attract the attention of several institutions ranging from the RSPCA to Community Services and P.E.T.A

Mer nästa månad Butch Suffolk

Marketing LINTON - Idea #3

Via Crucis

There is a town nearby where I have noticed a wooden exercise device on one of the streets. I’m not sure if this is a one-off affair or part of a circuit set up by Pyrenees Council. The seed has been planted.

I also took delight in seeing an older gentleman, I think he was in his 40’s, running along Happy Valley Road away from his car which was parked at the intersection with the Linton-Naringhal Rd. Two things may have been happening, his car was about to go up with a mighty big bang or he was jogging a few kilometers for exercise. Both events being rather dangerous considering the horrific traffic jams that can occur around Happy Valley when Mum's are out to pick up their kids from school.

And that’s really where the idea came from. Many local councils, even the more parsimonious ones like Golden Pains, have established these circuits for the more energetic citizens to huff and puff there way around with safety.

Not that I’m one of those anyway. You could say that marketing people exercise their mouth more than their brain. Looking at the sky constitutes a chin-up and raising my arms is absolutely exhausting.

There are at least twelve jumps, jerks or back-injury exercises which can be identified for such a course. It could start and end at the Recreation Reserve for clothes and other extraneous gear like brains to be left, wend its way around the rail trail and then around the streets of the town.

Maybe some of these twelve ‘actual’ exercises I have found could be part of the course.

Butt-ups

Preacher Curls

Clean and Press

Stomach Vacuum

Flatbench Leg Pull

Gorilla Chin Crunch

Donkey Calf Raises

Standing Head Harness

Stiff Legged Dumbell Deadlift

Weighted Ball Hyperextension

Iron Cross and Iron Cross with Bar

and the ever popular

Decline Close Grip Bench to Skull Crusher

Maybe calling it ‘Stations of the Cross’ (because there are twelve stops) might not be that attractive to some devotees of the art of exercise, or religiously inclined, but I’m sure someone around town will have a gem of an idea about what to call it.

Il mese più prossimo, Butch

BUTCH 1

This reporter is a syndicated columnist and would like to let people know that part of this particular story originated in 'The Linton Astonisher'.


Over the last several months Golden Plains Council have instigated a series of meetings about 'How To Attract Tourists To Our Town”. They've been getting their heads together here and there with residents and organisations to come up with ideas of how we might attract tourists and visitors to our little towns. Several meetings were held and many ideas positive and practical were put forward in brainstorms. You could almost hear the air crackle with excitement over some of the more silly ideas.

These signs of course would have place names changed to protect the innocent. But lets look at some of the better ideas that flew around the table at the Linton meeting.

An idea that we construct a giant Water Fountain outside the Take-away. One suggestion was it be a dog cocking it’s leg over the Rotunda another was that as we were in sheep country that it be a huge ewe having a polite pee which, if there is enough water available, could double as a Free Drive-Through Car-Wash.

Of course there is always someone worried about the type of people the town would attract. Do we really want geriatric Trailer Trash or Bikers from Bunningyong.

Someone from Happy Valley suggested that we re-forest a property with trees that form a ginormous four-letter word that could be seen from space. People examining 'Google Earth' would be attracted to the town and the property to ask 'Why is it so?”

Public seating was a good suggestion. We could recycle the dozens of second-hand seats secreted away by Council and place them outside every business in the town. They might even do it free of charge considering how much shop-keepers pay in rates. With the majority of Townies being in the 50-69 age group it will not be many years before shoppers would have to sit down every 25 metres or so and have a 20 minute chat to themselves.

Five suggested sights were outside the Grocer Shop, the Post Office, Pioneer Memorial, the War Memorial on the Avenue of Honour and the Hairdressers, they being places a lot of gabbing goes on. The stupid idea that they (old people) could be also used to inflate hot air balloons was quickly dismissed.

A brilliant suggestion was that we install Coin-operated Power Outlets on various posts around town so that Grey Nomads could plug themselves in for the night. Naturally only level ground would be suitable, the design of some Campervans would make it most likely that the hilly nature of Linton would ensure Grandma spent a lot of time on top of Grandpa.

Another suggested the same thing could be done near the Recreation Reserve with suitable toliets and showers. The City of Goulburn in NSW once boasted that it had the most modern dunnies in Australia so they would attract people to drive through town instead of the highway by-pass. We are not sure how many people had to go and see someone about a dog as a result of that.

It was added that there are not that many Caravan Parks that allow pets like Dogs, Horses, Sheep or Giraffes so we could construct special cages (possibly recycled from Guantanamo Bay) to house pets and other things overnight.

There was a couple of half-hearted attempts to involve GP Council such as the suggestion they mainatin the roads better. The pothole in Standpipe Road might be a deterrent to tourists.

With only the Cemetery Trust and Two Businesses represented (the Progress Association doesn't count) the turn out for meetings was pretty poor. I was only there because I'm a bloody stickybeak. Just as an aside if you look at a map of Linton it appears that the Cemetery is as large as the town itself. Is there a significance in this? Could it be used to attract tourists who have already passed on but would like a better view?

So I have taken on the task of coming up with some ideas of my own to put to you, the people of Woady Yaloak, to either praise or mock. Some of us sheep think that you humans shouldn't have it all to yourself when it comes to the thinking up of things.

Folgenderer Monat, Butch