GARDENING WITH MUGGLES 5 (LAST)

THE MULL OF ENTIRE

After all this nurturing and maybe some sleepless nights up watching out for poachers you will get to the time of the 'drying'. The drying process is the most important time in the full cycle of Muggle and Hagrid growing. It is at this point where you can either make your produce taste better and enhance not only the flavour but also the effect (upon your palate) or you can lock in that green taste permanently by being too anxious.

We firmly believe that the longer you can stretch out the drying process the better the harvest becomes. Especially with Hagrid your fruit will not acquire its final taste until it has been drying for at least a fortnight. The most popular method would be by hanging the stems upside down (remembering that when hanging your plants it should be done in a dark and cool position. Drought effected harvests may suffer a bit at this time.) Once the plants are hung they should be left, like venison, for about three days. After that we suggest you cut off all the arms (or the legs of venison) and rehang them for a further three days.

After this period is over and the harvest has begun drying you need to add a bit of Swedish custom to the process, highly recommended, and get Hagrid or Muggle to sweat a bit. A good way to do this without using an expensive sauna is to put all the buds into a re-sealable plastic bucket to sweat in out for at least ten days. The problems you can run into when curing is that it has a tendency to go mouldy. When removing it to the air it shouldn't be left out for too long as it can dry very quickly but if you repeat this process of airing every two days the chances of it going mouldy are very slim. We have been led to believe, but as yet to prove, that by proper curing of your harvest the effects on your senses are greatly increased and the admiration of your friends will be boundless.

Another method o drying is to clip all of the buds off your plants and spread them out on trays. This is effective but they (especially Muggels) will dry out much quicker so it is important to keep an eye on the buds especially if you have your eye on the prospect of curing them. Dry them out to much and you will find it very hard to make them sweat. Drying the buds on trays is really advantageous if you only have a small space in which to work but a down-side is that they will have a flattened appearance instead of the full-bodied look that they have when hung. If you in a position to obtain some crop, for comparison and analysis, from another grower this is something to look for.

We think that it is best to leave the leaf on the buds until the whole drying process has been completed. Some admirers of the plant like to see the whole product and not just the best features. If you cut off the leaves of many flowers they do not look as healthy and wholesome. Some admirers though will only want to buy the buds and this is a personal choice for personal admiration.

The finished product you will find will be about a quarter of the original weight when it was harvested. This is only to be expected when the heaviest ingredient (water) has been removed. Contrary to some less experienced admirers, spinning the product in a salad dryer when airing does not improve anything but the length of your arm.

Any leaf trimmed off your buds can go towards a compost heap for next seasons crop, for a different method of fertilising. The use of compost can have the added benefit of allowing any viable seed to burst into life again and increase the density of your planting.

Finally if you need to build and enclosure to house your plants, in our experience, it is best to spend that little bit more to create the perfect environment and protection. The saving of a few dollars early in the piece can end up being a big mistake, as is pissing off your neighbours. It can effect the growth of your plants caused by an unexpected early harvest.

Never forget Murphy's Law. 'Always expect the unexpected'

Other publications in the Hanging Garden Series.

THE CENTRE COURT – A short course in self-defence.

Written by HELEN BACH

GARDENING WITH MUGGLES 4

SIN IN THE GARDEN

Thanks for coming back. In this Chapter we would like to introduce you to a high grade gardener by the name of Sin Semilla. As a relative of Cardinal Sin of Manilla this lady, who also goes by her full name of Sinderella, knows all about doing things under-cover and has a wealth of expertise both in exercising and exorcising in your garden. It may be of interest to state that Cardinal Sin's name is a derivation of the garden plant Sinsemilla which quite appropriate to his profession as it means little or no seed.

One way to relax of course is through the garden and the ability to enjoy, relax, hang out and generally get off your face surrounded by greenery and lots of little buds, and Sin is going to help you do that. Sin is a spiritual entity, sometimes she floats through the day on spirits and sometimes with spirits by her side.

Being of a higher grade than Muggles the easiest way of growing Hagrid (a.k.a Nightmares) as we shall call it is to simply to remove all of the males from the crop so they cannot cross fertilise. If you wish to keep growing it however, you will need to create your own strain and the best way to do this is to put some seeds down early with your main aim to grow males and be sure to keep them away from where females might be around. Whether they should or not it seems to be a tendency for males to be always attempting the fertilisation process and this can cause problems so one must keep the two gardens as far apart as possible. The reason for putting seeds down early is that the male should be fully mature before fertilising a female. We have seen too many examples of crops going haywire from immature males and females being able to propagate before they should and many crops having to be confiscated by the Police for safe keeping.

Once your females are getting to mature we suggest picking the biggest and best plant and moving it over to where the male is. This has been referred to in other publications as a 'Home Visit'. Once the males pollen balls have cracked the pollen will be transferred onto the females stigma. Nature has seen to it that stigma is only applied to females who have become fertilised. This seems to also happen in human realms as well and females are called such negative terms as sluts, bikes or manhunters. The terms used reverse and turn positive when applied to their male counterparts who tend to refer to themselves as studs, macho or sperm donors.

So even in the garden world there is no stigma attached to a male of the species. But there are other ways to fertilise a female which is to place plastic bags over the arms of the males with cracked balls and leave them like this for at least 12 hours. By this time you should have been able to collect enough pollen to fertilise your female without any additional work from the male. Some gardeners have employed the equivalent of a Milk Flotsam Skimmer for this job. The next job is to place the plastic bags over the females arms that you have selected to use for the seeds that have now got female stigma's curling out of the tips. These bags should be left on the female for at least twelve hours to ensure fertilisation has taken place. We don't believe there is a human equivalent to this process unless you attend a bizarre fetish club. We have found that both methods either by direct contact in a bed or via this rather perverse plastic bag process will fertilise the female adequately.

By now fertilasation should have occurred and your female will begin to grow the seed for next seasons crop. Provide that you repeat this process every other season you should have no trouble growing high grade Hagrid at all. It is likely that in Hagrid occasionally you will find a few seeds, generally this is due to hermaphrodites present in the crop going unnoticed. Hermies are hard to detect as the self-fertilisation process can take place in a garden without anyone spotting it.

One of the advantages of growing the seeded out variety as in Muggles as opposed to Hagrid is that you end up with substantially more weight than what you would with Hagrid. This is an advantage to those with adequate transport but can prove difficult if carried in Boogie Boards. Hagrid on the other hand is about 20-30 percent stronger because of its tendency to hang around gymnasiums and other fitness venues. I find Hagrid has more attraction than its seeded sister.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

PROPHET OF PROFIT by Kerry Baggs

10 Ways to establish a lucrative Muggins market.

GARDENING WITH MUGGLES 3

MAXISING YOUR PROFIT

Maximising your profit by maximising your crop we believe is an interesting feature of this astonishing series of gardening tips, as it explains a method of increasing your yield which makes pruning or tipping obsolete. Even though in the last issue we went through this process it is a well proven belief that to increase your yield is to tie your plants down. In doing this all of the arms of the plant are encouraged to grow vertically, each arm is then capable of holding a much greater weight than normal. BDSM practitioners would be familiar with this method.

The best way to go about this method is by tying them down for about halfway where you think they are big enough. From then on once your plants start maturing not only will the main tip be able to produce fat heads but so will all the other arms of the plant.

This method of growing does vastly increase the yield of your crop and I think that for the grower that it is a revolution in the cultivation of high grade yields. When tying your plants down one must first be careful not to pull the plant down too far straight away, simply because you could snap the main stem. A good method to use when tying them down is to start off by pulling your plant down about half way and leave it to get used to the concept for at least a week. By the end of the week we would suggest that it would be safe to pull them down the rest of the way to your desired height.

When to Plant:

This is a controversial subject, and more often than not a question that seems not to be forgotten about in most other books. The answer is that there are several times a year which are good for planting. If growing plants commercially, which we don't recommend for the home gardener, you may try growing in a warm indoor environment under artificial light. This allow growing all year round but will produce more than you could safely consume.

For outdoors, especially in heavily wooded country, it depends very much on climate (Victoria is primarily October-March) and whether you want a long season (availability of sunlight) or a short season (exposed to the elements) and if you want a summer or winter crop. (Frost is not good for these plants).

If it is to be a long Summer season that you want you should sow your seeds no later than the first week of October. By doing this you are effectively getting in early as the days are starting to get longer again. This season can last right through until April or May which effectively gives you about 10 months from Jiffy to Jolly.

A short season on the other hand can last anything from 4 to 6 months and the general opinion is that for resin purposes there is no difference between the two. There are a considerable number of garden plants that produce resin with a variety of different purposes. A good gardener will need to refer to their Issue of 'Everything Has A Resin' for details of this process.

The shorter season should be started no later than early December and it will go right through to May which is about 5 months. We personally have a crowing season planned each year to start a month prior to Daylight Saving and harvest it all by the end of the Fire Restriction Season. This way we get the good warm to hot months for rapid growth and can burn off the stubble and residue without causing alarm.

We learned this the hard way when an Emergency Call was made to the Linton C.F.A by a passing motorist believing that out property was on fire. In reality it was only dust created by our ploughing stubble back into the garden to fertilise the next crop. Of course the C.F.A were not amused initially but after a generous donation of our recent harvest several of their members went off laughing and giggling to the Take-away for some munchies.

If you want to repeat this process for several seasons, and this depends on discovering the optimum growing space, you will notice that the plants you are growing will get bigger and better as the years go by.

A couple more things need to be mentioned. Firstly we have already covered the fact that seasons vary from state to state and even region to region. This is not confined to cultivation but to the governing bodies as well. So please make sure you have the regulations for growing in mind at all times.

Other publications in the Hanging Garden Series.

SEVERAL WAYS TO BEAT THE WRAP – Salads Without Bread by Lindsay Doyle

GARDENING WITH MUGGLES 2

GARDENS AND PRUNES

Whether Muggle or Hagrid the process of pruning is much the same. At Dumbledore our property near Snake Valley we have been propagating the finest plants of any Hippie Garden undetected by the experts for a decade now. We are not publicity hounds and don't even have a sign on our fence. We rely on words of mouth to provide both keen gardeners and their admirers with all the enjoyment they need.

Pruning is generally done to create more yield off your plants, producing more fruit or nuts or buds, or to limit the size of the plant to fit the area in which you grow it. As a weed it can grow a little too prolific and will have every dickhead and dunce between here and Ballarat out looking for more dopes. S pruning becomes a necessity rather than a way of restricting production.

There are several methods of pruning but the most commonly used method would be stem tip removal. We have personally seen what we call 'panic pruning' occur more often than is necessary. This is a method whereby pruning is the rather drastic affair of pulling the whole plant out by its roots, something outside authorities seem to prefer, and getting rid of it either by the authorised version of incineration under Police supervision or by a quick dispersal sale at the back of Sebastapol High.

The tip removal process is achieved by simply removing the tips of the plant. (a.k.a 'Duh') and by doing this the plant effectively creates two new growing tips just below where you removed the original tip. Obviously good pruning by this method not only thickens the bush but doubles its cropping potential. This method is often used where the chances of having your crop decimated by disease or discovery is very low. Although effective we believe there is a superior method to creating more yield which I will explain under Maximising Your Crop.

I think this method of pruning is good for limiting the size of your plants, and thus better for indoor and hydroponic fanatics, more so than increasing your yield. The way you can limit the size of your plant/s is by tipping the arms at their desired lengths.

If your plants head off early enough in the season, meaning there is still a couple of months of summer remaining, it is good to prune your plants by cutting the larger buds off and putting them away for a rainy day. Once you have pruned the plants back it is good to start off by giving them a good feed of lifter and a nice big drink. An alternative is to distribute your excess crop along with a good stiff drink. Over the next couple of months it will be a very heady time as the plants will give head again and create even more yield.

Note: The Linton C.F.A Fire Restriction Period is almost equivalent to the Hagrid and Muggles growing season. This has the advantage of your crop not being 'incinerated in situ' but the disadvantage of being secretly admired by aircraft keeping their eyes out for bushfires.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

IT'S THYME - by the author Seymour Cumming

The story of Kerr's Cur

GARDENING WITH MUGGELS 1

The foremost guide to growing Muggles. Brought together after vast research into the field of MUGGLE CULTIVATION. It is designed to help Lintonians create a greener future.

We would like to thank the good people at 'The Hanging Gardens Of Linton' for their sage advise about sage and muggle. We would especially like to thank their 'Gardening Guru' Master Bates for his even handed expertise.

The Astonisher has been advised that it is wrong to publish anything that might cause offence but as we have no fence we believe that this material is alright to publish. We would however like to issue a warning to our readers that we will write this once and only once and after a few minutes due to the deteriorating state of our mind will have forgotten what we wrote anyway.

The Beginners Guide to a spiritual experience:

It is true that gardening is a spiritual experience..

Seeds should always be kept in dry, airtight containers and when planted should be positioned pointy end up and about 1cm deep.

It is apparent that a plant is a male when you notice pollen balls, and a plant is a female when you notice the seed has a pair of breasts. It has also been said that by soaking your seeds in a glass of water overnight prior to sowing them that this will speed up and in fact help the germinating process. Note that this method only applies to plants.

Germination:

We believe the best way to germinate seeds is to use jiffy pots. They have about a 90% success rate . The most effective is to keep the Jiffies warm but damp at all times with adequate light. Muggles are best grown outdoors but grow-lights may suffice if you live in a caravan. If this is done right they should pop their little heads up above the surface within a fortnight.

Once the baby leaves have opened up it is time for the seedling to go into a new bed so shared accommodation is probably a good option. If you don't have a good bed to spare then a larger pot is all you need. A pot of about 25cm is good for starters but like all plants the taller they grow the more heavy their heads get and a tendency to fall over just like a two month old baby. And that is probably about the time it should spend in this size pot. Any longer than this and the little muggles will become root bound and this will hinder their growth (we assume you will be growing just enough plants to use in your own home)

If you are in a caravan, granny flat or hotel room you might like to keep your plants in a state of readiness for relocation and so an alternative which is quite effective and more mobile is by using cotton wool and water for the initial growing process at least. All you have to do is to duplicate your child's Botany Project from school, get a saucer and spread cotton wool over it and soak it in water. Once you have drained off the excess water then add your seed/s, providing that you keep them moist and warm (something akin to your groin on a hot day) you will have a reasonable success rate.

On choosing this method you should plant the seed as as shown when it's tap root becomes visible. We believe also that when planting seedlings in bed that you ensure unsoiled soil is used.

Jiffy Pots:

According to 'Fauna Kate' our resident vines and animal trainer it will take less brains than a Garden Gnome to set the pots up properly. Simply soak them in water for a little while and they will be ready to use. We even supply you with a drawing to help. Actually they do not look like real pots but expand from a thin Drafts piece into a large Tampon.

Recommended Soils and Fertilisers:

As mentioned in germination, we believe it to be a must to use unsullied soils. You can bolster them up by adding two parts potting mix and one part peat moss. This recipe will be good for the plant from the seedling stage where you need soft and fluffy right through to full maturity where they will need something solid to root in.

Keeping your plants continually fertilised is an important part in growing strong and potent healthy plants. There are many fertilisers readily available to the general pubic without prescription and our research has shown that the most effective are fish emulsion, chicken manure and dynamic lifter.

The best way to effective administer fertilisers correctly, would be to start off using the fish emulsion (a combination of dead fish (of course) and their floatings (also known as droppings.) You can do this when the plant is about 2 weeks old, and continue to use it up until the plant is about 6 weeks old.

Fish Emulsion is water soluble and safe to use as 4 caps full to about 8 litres of water (1 cap for each empty 2L bottle of Pepsi Max) and use this formula every time.

Once your muggles have reached the 6 week old stage it is suggested you stop using fish and graduate to chickens. Their manure should be used right up until the plants mature and start to show their first little buds. Chicken manure, by the time you are ready to use it, should see your little muggles in bigger pots or even in pot bags (not bags of pot) if you need to keep mobile. We recommend no more than about 2 small handfuls of chicken manure sprinkled around the edge of the pot or watering circle about once every three weeks. If you don't like handling manure then use gloves or somebody else's hand. With both fish emulsion and the chicken manure, one should avoid it coming into contact with the foliage and the chicken manure should also be kept away from the base of the plant. It is important to fertilise your plants so we need to continue to talk shit.

From the point where the plant is 6 weeks old use only dynamic lifter until the lifting process has ceased and you begin using your reward for all the hard and as yet unseen work you have done to get your muggles to this point. Dynamic Lifter, unlike its counterpart (chicken shit) is a slow release fertiliser. It has been recommended that dynamic lifter should be used while the plant is maturing because its slow process basically allows you to apply as much as you want (within reason) without worrying about it burning your plant/s.

Note: If you comer across any little chicken shit that causes a problem in distributing your muggles to friends or neighbours you will need to take evasive action to avoid any damage to the foliage. A hardy product marketed under the trade name 'Bunch of Fives' is bound to slow the problem down.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

HYMNS FOR THE GARDEN by Kerry Vann

Featuring the hit musical ROCKERY OF AGES

THE MULL OF ENTIRE

After all this nurturing and maybe some sleepless nights up watching out for poachers you will get to the time of the 'drying'. The drying process is the most important time in the full cycle of Muggle and Hagrid growing. It is at this point where you can either make your produce taste better and enhance not only the flavour but also the effect (upon your palate) or you can lock in that green taste permanently by being too anxious.

We firmly believe that the longer you can stretch out the drying process the better the harvest becomes. Especially with Hagrid your fruit will not acquire its final taste until it has been drying for at least a fortnight. The most popular method would be by hanging the stems upside down (remembering that when hanging your plants it should be done in a dark and cool position. Drought effected harvests may suffer a bit at this time.) Once the plants are hung they should be left, like venison, for about three days. After that we suggest you cut off all the arms (or the legs of venison) and rehang them for a further three days.

After this period is over and the harvest has begun drying you need to add a bit of Swedish custom to the process, highly recommended, and get Hagrid or Muggle to sweat a bit. A good way to do this without using an expensive sauna is to put all the buds into a re-sealable plastic bucket to sweat in out for at least ten days. The problems you can run into when curing is that it has a tendency to go mouldy. When removing it to the air it shouldn't be left out for too long as it can dry very quickly but if you repeat this process of airing every two days the chances of it going mouldy are very slim. We have been led to believe, but as yet to prove, that by proper curing of your harvest the effects on your senses are greatly increased and the admiration of your friends will be boundless.

Another method o drying is to clip all of the buds off your plants and spread them out on trays. This is effective but they (especially Muggels) will dry out much quicker so it is important to keep an eye on the buds especially if you have your eye on the prospect of curing them. Dry them out to much and you will find it very hard to make them sweat. Drying the buds on trays is really advantageous if you only have a small space in which to work but a down-side is that they will have a flattened appearance instead of the full-bodied look that they have when hung. If you in a position to obtain some crop, for comparison and analysis, from another grower this is something to look for.

We think that it is best to leave the leaf on the buds until the whole drying process has been completed. Some admirers of the plant like to see the whole product and not just the best features. If you cut off the leaves of many flowers they do not look as healthy and wholesome. Some admirers though will only want to buy the buds and this is a personal choice for personal admiration.

The finished product you will find will be about a quarter of the original weight when it was harvested. This is only to be expected when the heaviest ingredient (water) has been removed. Contrary to some less experienced admirers, spinning the product in a salad dryer when airing does not improve anything but the length of your arm.

Any leaf trimmed off your buds can go towards a compost heap for next seasons crop, for a different method of fertilising. The use of compost can have the added benefit of allowing any viable seed to burst into life again and increase the density of your planting.

Finally if you need to build and enclosure to house your plants, in our experience, it is best to spend that little bit more to create the perfect environment and protection. The saving of a few dollars early in the piece can end up being a big mistake, as is pissing off your neighbours. It can effect the growth of your plants caused by an unexpected early harvest.

Never forget Murphy's Law. 'Always expect the unexpected'

Other publications in the Hanging Garden Series.

THE CENTRE COURT – A short course in self-defence.

Written by HELEN BACH

MAXISING YOUR PROFIT

Maximising your profit by maximising your crop we believe is an interesting feature of this astonishing series of gardening tips, as it explains a method of increasing your yield which makes pruning or tipping obsolete. Even though in the last issue we went through this process it is a well proven belief that to increase your yield is to tie your plants down. In doing this all of the arms of the plant are encouraged to grow vertically, each arm is then capable of holding a much greater weight than normal. BDSM practitioners would be familiar with this method.

The best way to go about this method is by tying them down for about halfway where you think they are big enough. From then on once your plants start maturing not only will the main tip be able to produce fat heads but so will all the other arms of the plant.

This method of growing does vastly increase the yield of your crop and I think that for the grower that it is a revolution in the cultivation of high grade yields. When tying your plants down one must first be careful not to pull the plant down too far straight away, simply because you could snap the main stem. A good method to use when tying them down is to start off by pulling your plant down about half way and leave it to get used to the concept for at least a week. By the end of the week we would suggest that it would be safe to pull them down the rest of the way to your desired height.

When to Plant:

This is a controversial subject, and more often than not a question that seems not to be forgotten about in most other books. The answer is that there are several times a year which are good for planting. If growing plants commercially, which we don't recommend for the home gardener, you may try growing in a warm indoor environment under artificial light. This allow growing all year round but will produce more than you could safely consume.

For outdoors, especially in heavily wooded country, it depends very much on climate (Victoria is primarily October-March) and whether you want a long season (availability of sunlight) or a short season (exposed to the elements) and if you want a summer or winter crop. (Frost is not good for these plants).

If it is to be a long Summer season that you want you should sow your seeds no later than the first week of October. By doing this you are effectively getting in early as the days are starting to get longer again. This season can last right through until April or May which effectively gives you about 10 months from Jiffy to Jolly.

A short season on the other hand can last anything from 4 to 6 months and the general opinion is that for resin purposes there is no difference between the two. There are a considerable number of garden plants that produce resin with a variety of different purposes. A good gardener will need to refer to their Issue of 'Everything Has A Resin' for details of this process.

The shorter season should be started no later than early December and it will go right through to May which is about 5 months. We personally have a crowing season planned each year to start a month prior to Daylight Saving and harvest it all by the end of the Fire Restriction Season. This way we get the good warm to hot months for rapid growth and can burn off the stubble and residue without causing alarm.

We learned this the hard way when an Emergency Call was made to the Linton C.F.A by a passing motorist believing that out property was on fire. In reality it was only dust created by our ploughing stubble back into the garden to fertilise the next crop. Of course the C.F.A were not amused initially but after a generous donation of our recent harvest several of their members went off laughing and giggling to the Take-away for some munchies.

If you want to repeat this process for several seasons, and this depends on discovering the optimum growing space, you will notice that the plants you are growing will get bigger and better as the years go by.

A couple more things need to be mentioned. Firstly we have already covered the fact that seasons vary from state to state and even region to region. This is not confined to cultivation but to the governing bodies as well. So please make sure you have the regulations for growing in mind at all times.

Other publications in the Hanging Garden Series.

SEVERAL WAYS TO BEAT THE WRAP – Salads Without Bread by Lindsay Doyle

GARDEN AND PRUNE

Whether Muggle or Hagrid the process of pruning is much the same. At Dumbledore our property near Snake Valley we have been propagating the finest plants of any Hippie Garden undetected by the experts for a decade now. We are not publicity hounds and don't even have a sign on our fence. We rely on words of mouth to provide both keen gardeners and their admirers with all the enjoyment they need.

Pruning is generally done to create more yield off your plants, producing more fruit or nuts or buds, or to limit the size of the plant to fit the area in which you grow it. As a weed it can grow a little too prolific and will have every dickhead and dunce between here and Ballarat out looking for more dopes. S pruning becomes a necessity rather than a way of restricting production.

There are several methods of pruning but the most commonly used method would be stem tip removal. We have personally seen what we call 'panic pruning' occur more often than is necessary. This is a method whereby pruning is the rather drastic affair of pulling the whole plant out by its roots, something outside authorities seem to prefer, and getting rid of it either by the authorised version of incineration under Police supervision or by a quick dispersal sale at the back of Sebastapol High.

The tip removal process is achieved by simply removing the tips of the plant. (a.k.a 'Duh') and by doing this the plant effectively creates two new growing tips just below where you removed the original tip. Obviously good pruning by this method not only thickens the bush but doubles its cropping potential. This method is often used where the chances of having your crop decimated by disease or discovery is very low. Although effective we believe there is a superior method to creating more yield which I will explain under Maximising Your Crop.

I think this method of pruning is good for limiting the size of your plants, and thus better for indoor and hydroponic fanatics, more so than increasing your yield. The way you can limit the size of your plant/s is by tipping the arms at their desired lengths.

If your plants head off early enough in the season, meaning there is still a couple of months of summer remaining, it is good to prune your plants by cutting the larger buds off and putting them away for a rainy day. Once you have pruned the plants back it is good to start off by giving them a good feed of lifter and a nice big drink. An alternative is to distribute your excess crop along with a good stiff drink. Over the next couple of months it will be a very heady time as the plants will give head again and create even more yield.

Note: The Linton C.F.A Fire Restriction Period is almost equivalent to the Hagrid and Muggles growing season. This has the advantage of your crop not being 'incinerated in situ' but the disadvantage of being secretly admired by aircraft keeping their eyes out for bushfires.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

IT'S THYME - by the author Seymour Cumming

The story of Kerr's Cur

GARDENING WITH MUGGELS - 1

The foremost guide to growing Muggles. Brought together after vast research into the field of MUGGLE CULTIVATION. It is designed to help Lintonians create a greener future.

We would like to thank the good people at 'The Hanging Gardens Of Linton' for their sage advise about sage and muggle. We would especially like to thank their 'Gardening Guru' Master Bates for his even handed expertise.

The Astonisher has been advised that it is wrong to publish anything that might cause offence but as we have no fence we believe that this material is alright to publish. We would however like to issue a warning to our readers that we will write this once and only once and after a few minutes due to the deteriorating state of our mind will have forgotten what we wrote anyway.

The Beginners Guide to a spiritual experience:

It is true that gardening is a spiritual experience.

Seeds should always be kept in dry, airtight containers and when planted should be positioned pointy end up and about 1cm deep.

It is apparent that a plant is a male when you notice pollen balls, and a plant is a female when you notice the seed has a pair of breasts. It has also been said that by soaking your seeds in a glass of water overnight prior to sowing them that this will speed up and in fact help the germinating process. Note that this method only applies to plants.

Germination:

We believe the best way to germinate seeds is to use jiffy pots. They have about a 90% success rate . The most effective is to keep the Jiffies warm but damp at all times with adequate light. Muggles are best grown outdoors but grow-lights may suffice if you live in a caravan. If this is done right they should pop their little heads up above the surface within a fortnight.

Once the baby leaves have opened up it is time for the seedling to go into a new bed so shared accommodation is probably a good option. If you don't have a good bed to spare then a larger pot is all you need. A pot of about 25cm is good for starters but like all plants the taller they grow the more heavy their heads get and a tendency to fall over just like a two month old baby. And that is probably about the time it should spend in this size pot. Any longer than this and the little muggles will become root bound and this will hinder their growth (we assume you will be growing just enough plants to use in your own home)

If you are in a caravan, granny flat or hotel room you might like to keep your plants in a state of readiness for relocation and so an alternative which is quite effective and more mobile is by using cotton wool and water for the initial growing process at least. All you have to do is to duplicate your child's Botany Project from school, get a saucer and spread cotton wool over it and soak it in water. Once you have drained off the excess water then add your seed/s, providing that you keep them moist and warm (something akin to your groin on a hot day) you will have a reasonable success rate.

On choosing this method you should plant the seed as as shown when it's tap root becomes visible. We believe also that when planting seedlings in bed that you ensure unsoiled soil is used.

Jiffy Pots:

According to 'Fauna Kate' our resident vines and animal trainer it will take less brains than a Garden Gnome to set the pots up properly. Simply soak them in water for a little while and they will be ready to use. We even supply you with a drawing to help. Actually they do not look like real pots but expand from a thin Drafts piece into a large Tampon.

Recommended Soils and Fertilisers:

As mentioned in germination, we believe it to be a must to use unsullied soils. You can bolster them up by adding two parts potting mix and one part peat moss. This recipe will be good for the plant from the seedling stage where you need soft and fluffy right through to full maturity where they will need something solid to root in.

Keeping your plants continually fertilised is an important part in growing strong and potent healthy plants. There are many fertilisers readily available to the general pubic without prescription and our research has shown that the most effective are fish emulsion, chicken manure and dynamic lifter.

The best way to effective administer fertilisers correctly, would be to start off using the fish emulsion (a combination of dead fish (of course) and their floatings (also known as droppings.) You can do this when the plant is about 2 weeks old, and continue to use it up until the plant is about 6 weeks old.

Fish Emulsion is water soluble and safe to use as 4 caps full to about 8 litres of water (1 cap for each empty 2L bottle of Pepsi Max) and use this formula every time.

Once your muggles have reached the 6 week old stage it is suggested you stop using fish and graduate to chickens. Their manure should be used right up until the plants mature and start to show their first little buds. Chicken manure, by the time you are ready to use it, should see your little muggles in bigger pots or even in pot bags (not bags of pot) if you need to keep mobile. We recommend no more than about 2 small handfuls of chicken manure sprinkled around the edge of the pot or watering circle about once every three weeks. If you don't like handling manure then use gloves or somebody else's hand. With both fish emulsion and the chicken manure, one should avoid it coming into contact with the foliage and the chicken manure should also be kept away from the base of the plant. It is important to fertilise your plants so we need to continue to talk shit.

From the point where the plant is 6 weeks old use only dynamic lifter until the lifting process has ceased and you begin using your reward for all the hard and as yet unseen work you have done to get your muggles to this point. Dynamic Lifter, unlike its counterpart (chicken shit) is a slow release fertiliser. It has been recommended that dynamic lifter should be used while the plant is maturing because its slow process basically allows you to apply as much as you want (within reason) without worrying about it burning your plant/s.

Note: If you comer across any little chicken shit that causes a problem in distributing your muggles to friends or neighbours you will need to take evasive action to avoid any damage to the foliage. A hardy product marketed under the trade name 'Bunch of Fives' is bound to slow the problem down.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

HYMNS FOR THE GARDEN by Kerry Vann

Featuring the hit musical ROCKERY OF AGES

(To be continued)

DRUGS AND BLOW-INS

Billy the Goat got into the feed shed the other day and devoured at least two kilograms of Wild Bird Mix. It’s not the fact he just helped himself, and now looks like he swallowed a soccer ball, but it is the after-effects that worry me. Ever since eating the bird seed he has been experiencing some sort of trip.

It even happens with the sheep. If some bird seed accidentally spills on the ground as I’m dispensing it into my patented high-enough, non-tipable, tree mounted bird-feeder (An old glass ashtray jammed into the fork of a nearby tree) Bill and all the sheep start fighting over the spoils. They will butt heads and generally hassle each other for the honour of rubbing their noses in the dirt to vacuum up bird seed.

Bill however, upon catching sight of one or two lonely seeds in the shed, will flick his tongue (a-la-K.I.S.S) through the gap between the floor and wall of the shed and slobber up every single seed within reach. He will also nudge the tin wall to get in closer. It’s a bit off-putting watching a little pink wet thing French kissing the cracks in the wall. I’m worried. Are bird seeds a drug, a kind of ‘marriage-a-wanna’?

What got me onto this subject was a conversation I had with a long-term resident about Blow-ins. Apparently a blow-in is anyone who was NOT BORN IN THE TOWN (or arrived here before the death of Queen Victoria). There are contradictions of course. You cease to be a Blow-in if you marry a Certified Local. What he could not answer was ‘If two Blow-ins have a baby, is that baby then a Local?’
Anyway this person claimed that there were no drugs before the Blow-ins came to town. No crime, no wife-bashing and certainly no disrespect for the Constabulary. I argued that there have always been drugs in every town. How many hotels did the area have in it’s good days? Cigarettes? What about the blokes on Viagra?
My friend could not accept the fact that drugs and drug use are not confined to us City-slickers or Blow-ins. I’m no gambler (the last time I played a Poker Machine it had a handle on it and took Pennies) but I’d bet a considerable sum of money (say a quid) if anyone could prove that NO LOCAL has ever taken drugs.
There are pills and potions for going to sleep and getting up, suppressing our appetite or getting it going, slowing us down, speeding us up, making us happy and calming us down.

“Want a mood? Here take this”.

I am not advocating the use, growing or the sale of any drug illicit or legal, but I do object to sweeping statements such as ‘Locals don’t use drugs’.

On another subject. I must also make mention that a little birdie told me (or that’s all I’m saying) that the reason many of the recognised true Locals do not participate in anything around town is because they are supposedly sick of all the Blow-Ins telling them what they need to do for the town to stay alive, to attract new residents who are preferably younger than Moses, promote tourism and hence new or more successful businesses.

OK so some of us ‘newbies’ do participate on committees that are about as progressive as a Barn Dance, mixing and matching ideas and activities that eventually lead you back to where you started but we are alive and kicking at least. I for one want to participate in the life of the town and not just to sit in a corner and rust away, or only walk as far as needed to peek through the gaps in the lace curtains. I refuse to do-se-do myself into a grave.

Tribalism has gone the same way as the Flat Earth Society. A Local to me is anyone who has made a commitment to the town, has bought into the town, supports local business or contributes to the community. It is not someone who barricades themselves inside a fortress and throws rocks at passing strangers yelling ‘begone ye debils’.

That reminds me of a conversation I had with my relocationists over moving my house onto the block.

“What day would you like to move?”

“4th November”, I said.

“Why that date?” he questioned.

“That’s the ‘Back to Linton Festival Day”,

I replied.

“Is that significant?” he asked.

“Well they will most likely have a Parade and I could decorate the moving house with balloons and bolster up the show as it came through town”.

He laughed quite loudly. “Fat chance’ he said, “The parade’s been called off. The only Girl Guide has gone off on a camp”.



GODFREY ZONE