DON’T PANIC !!!!

OR YOU’LL WAKE TONY WHILE HE’S STILL IN HIS PYJAMAS.

It is really important that everyone gets a copy of  the Linton Township Protection Plan from the Post Office.

 Prepare - Act - Survive

Naturally the Astonisher goes out of its way to find fault with everyone and everything wherever it can, and we found another one.

Please note that the council has stated that even though they have published this map DON’T TRUST IT. It is obvious why. The Police Station, according to the map, is still in the spot it was in 1996. Luckily we have lived here long enough to know that and the Station is in a prominent position in town. It would be nice however, like signs to Devil’s Canyon, that council spent an itty bit of time to make things correct at the time of printing after all they get paid enough.

One hopes the CFA who are co-publishers don’t wake Tony up unnecessarily either. Regardless of the errors

GET ONE, READ ONE AND KEEP ONE

If you ignore the fact that some depicted churches are now private homes and the church in Edinburgh Reserve is actually a BBQ site this statement (above) is rather disturbing.This is a FIRE RESCUE PLAN. Wrong instructions or information can mean making defunct several Linton residents and/or their beds.
It is a FIRE RESCUE PLAN that tells residents and visitors to the town what to do if it bursts into flames yet claims that it may not be appropriate for your particular purpose which the Astonisher believes may be intended to save the readers arse.
Generic warnings are good if they are used in the right places. This is clearly inappropriate for this booklet. To say in the content this is how you might save your life in the event of a CATASTROPHIC FIRE and then say don’t believe what we have written here gives one the impression that like all government departments what they want you to know is sometimes just empty words meant to assure you that everything is hunky-dory but really the skies falling in.More of the same ‘we don’t make mistakes’ attitude that has cost peoples lives in the past and in the case of this map the lives of you and me. 

"ARL BE BLACK"

Well it is true folks. There are some real idiots in Linton and some of them write for the Astonisher. It was the night before New Years and all round the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. Except for one faux shepherd who decided as a New Year treat that he would burn off all the dry undergrowth so that his sheepies could have more feedies.

Like all good fires it started with a bright spark Just a little one. Just a little slow-burning little grass fire. The wind was calm. The tinder was still mostly green which equals a slow burning fire.

Maybe there was some aboriginal ancestry nearby determined that any smoking ceremony he might try to perform will be a disaster.

To his astonishment the fire began to grow into a big circle burning in all directions. It was thought that when it hit a certain point he would put it out. Ten seconds later it was at that certain point and armed with plastic rake and backpack full of water headed into the smoke.

What hit him first was the smell of burning rubber, looking down took note that his thongs were beginning to melt. Then he could smell burning plastic and took note that the plastic rake was melting into the grass. He imagined at this point that he could smell Moroccan Meatballs amongst the other odours of the smoke.

The idea came to him that he might hop out of the flames into the Ute. One of his astonishing brainwaves said tie a great roll of fencing wire onto the tow-bar and drag it across the flames to smother them.

After taking out a fence post and a plastic water trough that used to be a Ninja Turtle Paddle Pool he headed off into the smoke. A few rumbles, scrapes, screeches and thumps later it hit the smoke and within moments was struck on Mount Vesuvius the huge pile of rocks between the house and the fire. The Ute bottomed and he removed his backside from the vehicle as quickly as he could upon sighting a lick of flame heading for the LPG tank  under his arse.

Surveying his blackened ego  he noticed some damage to the nylon shorts he was wearing, they were not there.  It was much later when he climbed into the shower and took stock. Eyebrows Yes, Hair Yes, Pubes No. That would explain the smell of Mongolian Meatballs that he thought he smelt earlier.

Beating the fire out seemed to be failing as each little fire he put out seemed to set off two little fires somewhere else. He could have piddled faster than the backpack sprayer so he tried that too, along with a lot of spitting. At one point from smoke inhalation he threw up over the flames as well but still to no avail.

He tried the Ashes to Ashes prayer and a bit of crying, even cursed Dorothea McKellar when she didn’t send him some flooding rain.

Was it time to call the CFA? The shepherd knew it had gone well past a Chinese Burn so swallowing his pride along with more smoke dialed 000.

Dumb and Dumber the Alpacas went into a state of panic when they saw the red trucks rumbling down the drive. Do we stand our ground or run into the pall of smoke just behind us?

Mobile One did not look astonished when he saw who had lit this bloody fire but was a bit surprised by the amount of smoke that was bringing on an early sunset.

The blackened figure of the shepherd pointed East toward the house next door and mumbled something like ‘trees, fire, neighbor and house’

Three big red trucks and countless four-wheel drives followed the lead car to the fire and it was not too long before the people of Ballarat could see the sun again and breath a sigh of relief.

We are more likely than not to criticize in this rag but this time we can but only praise. The speed at which the CFA responded was to be commended. They should really have nothing to do but relax on a holiday afternoon. But no, some idiot always has to spoil the fun. Thanks boys and girls especially for not using the sirens that would have been more embarrassing than this story could bare.

Next time the CFA ask for a donation, give it freely, it might be you next.

JUSTIN CASE - OUR HERO

We believe that there is nothing better than to stir up a Hornet’s Nest when the town slides back into its dull and dreary ambience. So here we go marching into the breach of controversy .....again.

Time after time we hear about the ‘Heroes’ in a society. Firstly what is a ‘Hero’? We am not about to give you the definitive answers but to throw in some ideas for you to mull over in your own mind, breast the bar and have a pot or three over a Pizza.

Is a hero someone who goes out of their way voluntarily to attend emergencies and help others? Maybe they are. The C.F.A, First Response and S.E.S along with other front line Volunteers may certainly come into this category. But what about the Ladies Auxiliaries, the Raffle Ticket Dealers and Badge Sellers all those behind the scenes without whom the front line would be unable to exist let alone operate. Are they Heroes?

Is a hero someone who gets paid to lay their life on the line?  Maybe they are. Police, professional Fire-fighters and Ambulance Paramedics. Are there levels of heroism between being paid and doing it for nothing? Is a hero a volunteer or are they conscripted?

If they were forced to carry a gun and kill are they a hero? If they risked life and limb to support those fighters are they heroes? If you kill an enemy soldier are you automatically a hero or just saving your own skin? If you come up against an enemy combatant and he kills you is he a Hero?

You hear a lot about men at war but you don’t hear as much about the women who fought the war. Maybe they weren’t in the firing line, but they were there treating the wounded and in WWII they were growing the food and helping shear the sheep, making the munitions, building fences and building defences. Are they, were they heroes? You constantly hear of Vietnam Veterans being referred to as ‘Men’ but we know of many women who ‘don’t speak of the war’ too.

What about the sportsmen that hang out their wilting dicks for admiration. Who slang off at each other and fix matches. Who get totally shit-faced on drugs and booze in public places. Should we be calling these yobboes heroes?

But we have another very important participant in this story. They didn’t know it at the time, they didn’t even think of it in that light. They did not volunteer nor were they conscripted they did not expect financial gain or to be worshipped although some will belatedly seek it.

We speak about those men and women who through no fault of their own end up in the right place at the right time and save someone or maybe many someone’s lives. Be it a car accident, a burning house, a mine collapse or an explosion. Do they think about being heroes or do they unthinkingly and automatically render assistance?

Statistics show that more innocent civilians have been involved in preventing terrorists from achieving ‘Paradise’ than all of the paid so-called ‘Security’ personnel. One may wonder sometimes why we even pay A.S.I.O and all the other professionals to prevent nothing. Then again if they do prevent something they can’t tell us that they did in the interest of security. In other words we can’t  know what we don’t know.

Finally, if we do save someone’s life, maybe it’s just a case of not being able to stand by and watch someone die if we can prevent it. If you’re stuck in the dark for a month with thirty other men and don’t end up strangling each other or maybe doing other things are you a hero or just experiencing the natural instinct to survive,

If a small baby falls into a swimming pool do we call out ‘kick your legs darling’. and watch them sink or do we jump in and haul them out? Someone is dangling by their fingers a hundred metres up the side a collapsed building. Do we yell out “Let go you bastard” or do we look for an inflatable jumping castle?

Let’s be honest everyone has the capacity to be a hero we just don’t know it ......yet. 

WHAT A BLOODY WASTE

Our taxpayers money? What is it used for?


If you have been to any of the Fire Guard/Fire Ready Meetings around the area you will have received all manner of goodies from Car Stickers to Rulers. This is all to attract our attention like the gaudy baubles on a Christmas Tree.

The message is important, very important, but what a wasteful way to get the information across to us. We at the Astonisher hesitate in calling it propaganda but is it not just a little bit overboard.

The last meeting I went to at Happy Valley Community Centre all attendees received a CFA package the like of which has not been seen since the last Christies Art Catalogue.

In a beautiful red folder with the appropriate logo’s we got 4 x 12 page A4 size shiny paper catalogues numbered 1 to 5. (#2 was not in the kit). Colour pictures worthy of the ‘Woman’s Monthly’ were liberally sprinkled throughout. Also included were four other pamphlets of 1 and 2 pages the subjects being Understanding Fire Danger Ratings, Understanding this Fire Planning Kit, and a Dictionary of Terms to Assist in the Understanding of this Kit. It is a case of absolute overkill. We believe that there is more paper in these folders than the Allies dropped in Propaganda Leaflets in World War 2.

This organ of information believes that all this effort could have been put to better use.

The meetings were informative and well run there is no denying that, but what we received in Junk Mail from the process could have been printed on plain paper in black and white, in fact it could have been presented in Newspaper format for about a tenth of the cost of this particular government initiative.

The cost of preparing the thing, dozens of speech writers and journalists, fashion photographers, layout artists and colour consultants, political advisors, clerks and tea-ladies, telephone cleaners and automatic door repairers would have been used to put it all together and must have run into a million dollars at least. Then there is the printing that would have been at least another million or so.

Information received recently advises us that this whole initiative raised fire awareness only about 2%.

These dollars could have been better spent providing our local CFA with the resources for fighting the occasional catastrophic event rather than providing more paper to fuel the bloody fires..

You alone are responsible to take note of Fire Danger Ratings and the prominent CFA signs during Summer. You could even be an active participant with your local CFA and not only save your own arse but the towns as well.

Going by the number who attended these meetings the First Response Team will have a very brisk business in burn cream for your ‘gluteus maximus’.

SHIRE HAS NO SAFE PLACE?

The news last month that Golden Plains Shire has no ‘SAFE PLACE” is an admission that our Bushfire Preparedness is again falling short of the desirable. However, our legislators do face the unenviable task of choosing where that Safe Place should be. Does each town get one, or are they shared and what is a safe place anyway?


They describe these locations as a Neighbourhood Safe Place or Places of Last Resort. If you do go to a safe place and the fire comes and burns your feet can you sue Council for compensation?

Maybe we are legislating ourselves into a dangerous position. Whatever we do the Ambulance Chasers (read Compensation Lawyers) will find some way of getting their hands on taxpayers money via the injured party and the cost of the conflagration soars well past what would be reasonable at the worst of times. Maybe we could astonish you with the fact that each and every one of us is responsible for our own safety and suggest that Safe Places might just be a waste of time and money.

If we read the literature, and there is enough of that around for Pyromaniacs to party, keep our own property as Fire Safe as practical and keep our ears open for the warnings then we should all have our own Safe Place to go.

Outside the CFA building or close to it would, I expect, be considered a Safe Place but one has to keep out of their way so that that can operate effectively. Maybe inside the Pub might be an even safer place. It would certainly solve the problem of food and drink in a time of crisis, and being a brick building would not be an attractive target for flying embers.

What has happened to personal responsibility in our community? Have we devolved our lives to the point where we let somebody else take the responsibility for our actions? Maybe this is why lawyers are the ones who make the laws, enact the laws and prosecute the laws and generally to their own financial advantage.

On another note concerning the new fire warnings. Why do they have to become more complicated. One can just imagine the public servant in charge of the design of the new system working out how to make things more complicated rather than simplifying it for the ordinary public. There could be more steps than the 39 in John Buchan’s book and just as exhausting understanding them all. I expect soon to see the new signs go from Extreme, to Catastrophic to Astonishing.