P.E.T.A PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED POOPS

And that allows us to segway into the subject of P.E.T.A which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which is supported by the Rabid Vegan Lobby and not as someone suggested to me as 'People for the Eating of Treated Agriculture' which is a different group supported by the Genetic Modification Lobby.

I think that our first argument against this truly crazy cult is that if God didn’t want us to eat animals then why did he give us the spear and the fishing rod. According to his novel animals were created and put on this earth (at least the ones saved by Noah) to serve mankind and I don’t think he meant for them to work at Café No.80 as waiters or servers or whatever the latest nomenclature is for putting plates down and picking them up again.

So if they don’t believe in God then what do they believe in, here are ten examples from the P.E.T.A Code of Ethics.

1. Humans should not eat honey because that is stealing the bees hard work.

2. As we do not pay our animals that is akin to ‘slavery’.

3. The confinement of animals against their will is contrary to the law of ‘habeus corpus’.

4. Animals are given no Public Holidays nor Annual Leave.

5. Female animals are not allowed to enjoy ‘Labour Day’.

6. Animals should not be forced to grow unwanted skin, fur, wool or feathers just to meet market demand.

7. Cows should be permitted to give free milk to every sucker that comes along.

8. Milkers should be forced to warm their hands first.

9. Dogs should be free to sniff everyone’s butt.

10. All animal slaughter facilities should be forced to close the week before Sunday.

But do true Vegans understand the horror taking place when they eat their toasted facuchio?, fuckarchio? pinnochio? Bloody hell - when they eat their tomato and lettuce sandwiches.

We are told by the most avid gardeners (who know all about growing things) that talking to your flowers invigorates them. And how does a seed know which way to grow? This would indicate that they can hear us which would support the argument that vegetables have brains. If they have brains, they have veins, and air, and nerves, sex and all the other things that make up life. Bloody hell…. eating vegetables is Cannabalism. O.M.G

Now I feel guilty about the Mung Beans sautéed in Cogi Berry Juice not just about the Pigs Nipple Chips I bought at the Markets. What would vegans feel about the grubs and bugs they eat accidentally in the garden salad their neighbour tosses onto their plate, or the spiders and bugs consumed when sleeping with your mouths open.

Sometimes, every now and then people who believe in some of this rubbish should sit down in a quite place on a regular basis and either reconsider how stupid they really are or just take a knife and slit their wrists. After all they’d be doing us a favour in volunteering to become compost, which will grow grass, which will then be eaten by a bloody goat. What a turn up for the books that would be - being eaten by the very animal you just saved.

BEN DENISE