ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

Like Monty Python it is “Now for something completely different'.

When you meet a stranger, whether or not it’s across a crowded room, it is always diplomatic to ensure one does not say something that may upset them.

In a pub for instance you do not always know whether a drinker is self-employed or run a business, a train driver or stock-broker. Rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. Rich or poor does not always show on the outside in fact one might argue whether money is a guide to how rich or poor you might be. You might run into skeptics and the paranoid, conspiracy theorists, kleptomaniacs and the argumentative, hypochondriacs or necrophiliacs. painters of houses and/or nude women. People who love condoms but hate balloons. Those that talk a lot of offal or those that eat it.

In Pubs you will find those that can eat no fat and some no lean, people who raise beef and those who eat it, smokers and non-smokers, those that fight fires and regrettably those who start them. People who believe in God and those that don't, they who only drink cheap red wine and those that drink only Stout. Some who dress like pigs, some who are pigs and some that can't eat pigs.. They who paddy-whack and those who give a dog a bone.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that all manner of people walk around this planet, all races, creeds and beliefs. Some wear Burqa's and some throw stones at them. Some people disappear when you turn out the light, some are so white they glow in the dark. We are free to be who we want to be and how dare anyone tell me or anyone else what they should or should not be like, what political party to favour or who leads the country. If I want to be a Groucho Marxist then so be it.

One might be rich in cash or in knowledge, may be a savant or silly, content or confused. A few glimpses or a few hours does not make one an expert in someone else capacities. Treat people without respect and they lose respect for you. If business people do not respect their shoppers then they have lost that business or at least minimised it forever.

I have never knowingly bought a News Limited paper since the downfall of Gough Whitlam, I have never bought another GE product since they would not honour a warranty back in 1968, not even one of their light globes.

Everyone knows that loyalty to a brand is paramount to a business, the secret to ongoing success. It appears to me that some businesses today believe in PT Barnum’s famous statement that ‘there is another sucker born every day’.

I’ll finish with a wall poster I saw back in the days when I was trying to be a Hippy. ‘You are you and I am me – lets just leave it and not disagree.

Более следующий месяц Kebab Cross

ABOLISH THE PARTY SYSTEM?

ne place where one learns all the tricks of the trade, how to outgun your opponent, sidestep his strategy and demolish his defence is to work with a left of centre law firm like Slater and Gordon. Of course left of centre is where all potential antagonists gather, so if you want to piss off the establishment left of centre is a potentially a lucrative position to argue from. One very successful graduate of Slater and Gordon was our ex-Prime Minister Julia Gillard, but some would argue that she is not really someone S&G would be pleased to promote.

Julia, having learnt all about manipulation of intangible knowledge, through various cases involving both big business and politics, was in an ideal position to outgun, sidestep and demolish anything or anyone that stood in her way. She is a master at political strategy, constantly threatening her supposedly supportive colleagues into doing what she wants and not what the country needs. In the end the knife she was wielding was turned against her and with all the aplomb of a vanquished leader left politics altogether, but, not without a nice prime-ministerial pension to sustain her. Now of course she will be passing her vitriolic message to the dumbo’s studying law in Adelaide.

I always thought that the Liberals were the masters of ideological pile-driving, where the ideals of the party bulldozed away any ideals for Australia. But apparently Julia duplicated some of these strategies of the Liberals as Tony had begun to realise that the politics of fear, as practised by One Nation, could be just as useful to the Liberal cause. It is also this ‘fear-mongering’ that keeps the National Party compliant. All three major parties Liberal, Labor and National have really moved to the centre so that voters are confused over which policy really belongs to which party, and the three minor parties decided that one would go to the left (Green) one would go to the right (KAP) and one would move away from the Catholic Church (DLP). We don’t consider Palmer (P.U.P) as going in any direction.

Lets face it a party that represents only a proportion of the electorate is doomed to oblivion and the Nationals unfortunately appear to be taking that path. They are moving, like Labor, away from their heartland, and unless they revert back to the founding principals will find themselves caste out like lepers from their country colonies.

On another note this scribe, who has always been an admirer of anything so far to the left that I’m nearly always outside the common room, and probably the only true socialist in Linton. This is not to be confused with Communism as invented by Joseph Stalin. who like religion was high-jacked by the power hungry mongrel intent on enriching only himself, Stalin did do one good thing. He established that the representatives of the people and the employees of the people government would only have to obey one rule. Rule # 1. Always please the boss. I suppose in an Australian context Julia also adopted this all encompassing rule.

The party system is broken. We have gone the way of the United States and allow self-interest to dictate the countries direction. America admits its system is broken, and like Australia, is being run by chance, luck, happenstance and the everlasting incompetence of the bureaucrats. If we know the U.S system is broken and can’t be fixed unless by the hand of God, then why do we slavishly keep following the U.S and not govern in the interest of Australia and our neighbours rather than some sand-locked god-forsaken corrupt and religious divided backwater that no sensible person would even fly over let alone visit.

Lets get rid of political parties. The only parties to legally exist shall be where we can dance and be happy and get off our faces. It won’t be the chaos that some predict, nor shall the nation become ungovernable (politicians don’t govern) the state won’t collapse, although States should.

When a Private Members Bill comes up, as they do now from independents, all the other members of the house either agree or disagree with it, not on party lines but on what they believe their electorate would want and would be advantaged by. Groups of similar minds would band together to adopt, amend or defeat the law or policy. Nobody would be standing over our representatives,

Parliamentary Secretaries, Ministers and Prime Ministers would be elected by the both houses as with one example put forth by Republicans for the selection of a President/Governor General. The best woman or man would be elected to the most appropriate positions and the one most suited to their talents. There would be no free for-all but mini-elections within parliament itself.

The beauty of this system is that the electors, you and I, would be voting for somebody we potentially know, somebody we believe has our interest at heart and somebody, if they don’t represent us that can be easily removed from office. The thing that keeps a politician on his toes is the next election.

INTRODUCING TONY BAABAA

THE PATH TO THE DEVIL CONFUSES TOURISTS

The Astonisher has always thought that it was only Americans who get really stirred up by the thought of going to the Devil. We were wrong. Several Australian tourists had voiced there concerns to the us about getting lost for several hours before finding the relative heaven of Cape Clear.

Even though there was an itsy-bitsy sign off the Linton-Naringhal Road (a.k.a Geelong Road) giving the right direction the sign that should get you to that point is AFTER the intersection and not before it. One complaint was even about the fact that whilst looking for the Devil’s Kitchen they actually ended up at St.Paul’s Anglican Church which seemed to have taken them in the wrong secular direction altogether.

We were aware that several representations had been made to council, one in particular related to town signage, and we had written to council regarding this problem as well. It’s no good endeavoring to get tourists into town if we leave them only confused and eager to leave. I’m not sure that council would be too happy if, after completion of the expensive Town Entry Precint, all the tourists ended up at the Snake Valley Hotel as a result of incorrect signage.

We were astonished that Golden Pains Council continued to ignore the error, probably because it didn’t take people to Bannockburn.

Good on Damien Waite of Golden Pains Council.

Last year as part of the community consultations over the simulated railway station the Astonisher made a point that the Devil’s Kitchen sign did not point the way to Devil’s Kitchen. One would end up at the rather loftily named Linton Recreation Complex.

Everyone should note that the main sign has now been relocated to the corner of the Linton-Naringal Road (Geelong Road to some) and smaller signs placed on poles to support changes in direction for tourists.  It only took Damien a year, but it took council eleven years to move the sign 100 Metres.

On a really positive note now we know that there is at least one person in local government that is not entirely incompetent and this leads us to believe that this year we might finally get to sit on the platform of an impressionist station and wait for a non-existent train.

Still on our TO DO list is the special rack for the Railway Hotel and a big skip in which to dispose of all our old things.

QUEENS BIRTHDAY MARRED BY DISSENTION

The Queens Birthday Celebrations in Cape Clear were not the complete success they were planned to be.

It all started well over a month ago when all the Queens got together to organise a spectacular event for the week-end culminating in a Mardi Gras Parade and there were plenty of suggestions put forward.

The first question of when to hold it was not a problem nor the starting time at dusk so that sparklers could be used.

Then a problem arose over where to start it. One suggestion was the local beat but many complained that their head-dresses would get caught up in the low hanging branches.

One couple wanted it to start outside their house as their Groom and Groom Wedding Cake on which they planned to stand had very small wheels and could not negotiate too many street crossings.

It was finally decided that they would start at the General Store and process across to the Hotel.

As it is in Sidderney (sic) it was suggested they need to have a cause to March for. After a lot of lively debate in which a few powder-puffs were torn asunder the group settled on returning the word ‘Gay’ to normal everyday language without the accompanying giggles as the term was now being used by young people to describe things they did not think were quite straight and it was evolving into a derogatory term.

Someone said something about the song ‘The Gay Caballero’ could now be sung again without the accompanying screams of laughter.

Then a slight scuffle arose where several handbags were sling-shot across the room as it became quite heated as to how they should march.

Should it be turn, turn, spin or turn, spin, high kick.

Much of the problem seemed to arise as to whether those wearing ultra-high heels could either turn or spin at all, but when some of the active partners said the whole parade seemed to favour those on the receiving end a few flounced out in protest and returned a short time later with their dancing poles.

It was lucky that the police were not called to the ensuing scuffle as described to the Astonisher as it may have resulted in several arrests for indecent exposure. In the end it was decided to abandon the event.

By the end of the meeting it was resolved to request that Golden Pains Council repaint the Lighthouse to a natural skin-colour so as to look more phallus-like.

It was a bit disappointing to see that at the bottom of this major town attraction someone had rather sarcastically scrawled “Happy and gay - the Laxette way” on one side of the tower whilst on the other side it said:

“If your Mother made you a homosexual do you think she’d knit me one?”

FERRA MOANES

The Running of the Alpacas

Country Towns already hold goat races, sheep races, frog hopping contests, pig calling and greasy pole climbing, somewhere there may even be a Maypole or Morris Dancing.

We’ve had the biggest Ute Muster, Bi-centennial Cattle Musters and even a Muster of Peacocks. We have big Bananas and Big Potatoes, Apples, Oranges, Fish and Crabs in fact even a Big Wellington Boot in Tully. We have thrown everything from mobile phones to cabers to cow-pats and even had a gathering of ‘Tossers’. This idea actually comes from Pamplona in Spain from their tradition of the ‘Running of the Bulls’.

Every Year and I suggest April Fool’s Day, as that also coincides with my birthday, we could invite Alpaca Owners and Breeders, maybe through their own Association, to gather in Linton for this exciting new blood sport. I’ll explain that later.

Council would be asked to close part of the Highway for the day, there are lots of suitable diversions such as via Cape Clear, so that sufficient parking would be available for the Arena Spectacular which would be set up at the Recreation Reserve. Mr.G might be happy to produce the show for us.

This would allow for a ‘showing off’’ of the animals that are taking part. Reason one to boast about speed and agility, and reason two to identify the owner of the alpaca which has just invaded your flower garden.

Sussex Street could be decked out with flags and bunting and other things to hide behind whilst marauding ‘quasi-camels’ come squealing up Brooke Street..

From the Sporting Complex the race would hopefully follow Sussex Street to the ‘finishing post’ in Edinburgh Reserve.

Now for an explanation of ‘blood sport’ in the introduction. Alpacas are very good at chasing after animals that shouldn’t be on your property, our two make remarkable noises if a dog comes within 50 Metres, and I think it’s been mentioned before that the Ginger Cat next door doesn’t last long on our side of the fence. The most notable is to see off any marauding foxes. Hence the blood.

I’m sure with a little encouragement our local Police Officer Tony Walker could nominate one or two suitable young miscreants around town, of a size suitable to dress up in a fox costume in lieu of home detention, or maybe the survivors’ prize could equal that of any outstanding fines. Doused liberally with fox urine the young person could be given thirty seconds head start before every Alpaca owners on the Oval fling wide their starting gate and let them rip.

What a wonderful international event. I’m sure it would attract the attention of several institutions ranging from the RSPCA to Community Services and P.E.T.A

Mer nästa månad Butch Suffolk

SNIFFER DOG GATHERS EVIDENCE

The recent temporary disappearance of Wilma caused much consternation amongst the populace of Linton. Her vacant lounge chair was discovered by some very happy campers from the pub and they raised the alarm with the local Constabulary. Even though the Police have remained quiet as to who they suspect, the Astonisher has been led to believe that it was a lonely local man who kidnapped her. The rumour is that his trusty blow-up partner suffered from a puncture one night and he borrowed Wilma until he could get his hands on a plastic repair kit and do something about her hole.

Despite front page plea's from the Linton News nothing, as yet, has been found out about who the culprit might be. Police would like anyone to come forward who may have witnessed a person dressed as a Ninja sneaking around the Rail Trail Shed where Wilma had set up her office.

Not even nearby residents, customers or proprietors of the local food emporium can say they have seen anyone matching this description although they did say that they thought they saw Wilma on horseback heading off towards Lovers Lane at the Morchup Road Reservoir with a very large vibrating device. Investigations continue.

An appeal has also gone out for some new clothes as her present garb seems to be badly stained.