QUEENS BIRTHDAY MARRED BY DISSENTION

The Queens Birthday Celebrations in Cape Clear were not the complete success they were planned to be.

It all started well over a month ago when all the Queens got together to organise a spectacular event for the week-end culminating in a Mardi Gras Parade and there were plenty of suggestions put forward.

The first question of when to hold it was not a problem nor the starting time at dusk so that sparklers could be used.

Then a problem arose over where to start it. One suggestion was the local beat but many complained that their head-dresses would get caught up in the low hanging branches.

One couple wanted it to start outside their house as their Groom and Groom Wedding Cake on which they planned to stand had very small wheels and could not negotiate too many street crossings.

It was finally decided that they would start at the General Store and process across to the Hotel.

As it is in Sidderney (sic) it was suggested they need to have a cause to March for. After a lot of lively debate in which a few powder-puffs were torn asunder the group settled on returning the word ‘Gay’ to normal everyday language without the accompanying giggles as the term was now being used by young people to describe things they did not think were quite straight and it was evolving into a derogatory term.

Someone said something about the song ‘The Gay Caballero’ could now be sung again without the accompanying screams of laughter.

Then a slight scuffle arose where several handbags were sling-shot across the room as it became quite heated as to how they should march.

Should it be turn, turn, spin or turn, spin, high kick.

Much of the problem seemed to arise as to whether those wearing ultra-high heels could either turn or spin at all, but when some of the active partners said the whole parade seemed to favour those on the receiving end a few flounced out in protest and returned a short time later with their dancing poles.

It was lucky that the police were not called to the ensuing scuffle as described to the Astonisher as it may have resulted in several arrests for indecent exposure. In the end it was decided to abandon the event.

By the end of the meeting it was resolved to request that Golden Pains Council repaint the Lighthouse to a natural skin-colour so as to look more phallus-like.

It was a bit disappointing to see that at the bottom of this major town attraction someone had rather sarcastically scrawled “Happy and gay - the Laxette way” on one side of the tower whilst on the other side it said:

“If your Mother made you a homosexual do you think she’d knit me one?”

FERRA MOANES