Funeral Arrangements

Exclusive publication rights for the funeral have been granted to the Astonisher by the 

Right Honourable Peppie Gibbons

Principal Equerry and Executor of the Estate of the extraordinary, great, famous and former celebrity contestant on 'The Biggest Ewe' but unfortunately now really dead

Lady Maxine Linton-Suffolk de Mouton

A transcript of the official broadcast is now being prepared. A podcast will not be available.

Stay tuned for the release of this historical moment.

EWE WERE A CLASS ACT

VALE

It is our melancholy duty to announce

LADY MAXINE

LINTON-SUFFOLK de MOUTON

proceeded into a heavenly paddock on 

26th March 2013.

Following a heavy hailstorm she was hit by a falling tree, staggered into a hole that she forgot was there, landed on her well-padded back and quietly drifted away.

As a consequence the flock over which she presided with ‘noblesse oblige’ held a wake in her honour and, knowing she was keen on  compost heaps, back-filled the hole with their own organic waste.

Now it recumbent upon the flock to find a successor with as much fat, flair, finesse and fleece as our beloved

MAX.

Funeral arrangements by

"Holes for Ewe"

Funeral Directors

You'll never forget our funerals

A HELFY WIFESTYLE

LONG DONG TING TONG from Hong Kong has been brought to Linton by people smugglers so that she could give us all the best tips about Health and Fitness. Long Dong is very experienced at handling Tigers Penises following years of dragging them around the cage during circus performances.

The Astonisher has brunged me to Ausraria and asked me to white a corrum on healfy wifestyles so we can all wiv wong and pwosper.

Wule #1:    Pamper your body

Your body know instinctively rot it needs to wemain healfy. Therefore give it rot it ronts. It cwaves things only ren there is an imbalance and eveywon has a diffewent barance. If it cwaves chocorate then go out and buy it the biggest brock avairable.

If it wants acksahol then don’t deny it up to 0.05. Ober dat an dey say you pissed. It is rell no rat red rine is gweat for fwee wadicals and we don’t mean some of the whiters of this wag.

Wule #2: Don’t exercise unress your body demands it.

Rook at the animals. You don’t see sheeps and cattles jogging around a park an you don see dogs and cats rifting rates at the gym and chickens certainly don’t do sit-ups till their beaks turn brue.

If God wanted us to wun he would have sent down a bolt of rightening to stwike dead anyone who twied to in inwent a reel.

Wule #3: Get rots of shreep.

Health experts tell us re need eight hours of sreep a night. Rot wubbish. Re need onry five or six a night Monday to Saturday and then re just make up for the west not getting out of bed on Sunday.

This allows us to aroid doing any unnecessawy houserork - like dusting - things you use will never need dusting will they?

Wule #4: Ret your body take its own shape.

If you have a slight protubewance (wudely weferred to a Pot Berry) you are to be gwateful. Here is the ideal prace for take-aray punnets and run-aray peanuts. No stwuggling with tablecwoths and dwess to rash as rell. One only has to stand for a moment and all your wowwies can be just bwushed aray.

Wule #5: Don’t wowwy about deaf.

Re all fear deaf because rot ray beyond is unknown. Heaven, Dewil, We-incarnation? Re should have no rurry because you have no choice - rot you do in this rife determine your next rife so if you ront to ray around on crouds with your harp, eating gwapes and rotching T-Wee then that is rot you should be doing now. Prepare today for your next rife.

In Heaven there is no grass to mow, in Purgatowy the grass bends under the mower and cannot be cut and We-incarnation means the gwass just continuarry wecycles itself.

Since there are no probrems in the after-rife if you don’t have a rawn it’s a condition not to be feared.

Note: The onry difficulty is raying around in a coffin with the munchies and being unable to phone out for a Railray Hotel Pizza.

DON’T PANIC !!!!

OR YOU’LL WAKE TONY WHILE HE’S STILL IN HIS PYJAMAS.

It is really important that everyone gets a copy of  the Linton Township Protection Plan from the Post Office.

 Prepare - Act - Survive

Naturally the Astonisher goes out of its way to find fault with everyone and everything wherever it can, and we found another one.

Please note that the council has stated that even though they have published this map DON’T TRUST IT. It is obvious why. The Police Station, according to the map, is still in the spot it was in 1996. Luckily we have lived here long enough to know that and the Station is in a prominent position in town. It would be nice however, like signs to Devil’s Canyon, that council spent an itty bit of time to make things correct at the time of printing after all they get paid enough.

One hopes the CFA who are co-publishers don’t wake Tony up unnecessarily either. Regardless of the errors

GET ONE, READ ONE AND KEEP ONE

If you ignore the fact that some depicted churches are now private homes and the church in Edinburgh Reserve is actually a BBQ site this statement (above) is rather disturbing.This is a FIRE RESCUE PLAN. Wrong instructions or information can mean making defunct several Linton residents and/or their beds.
It is a FIRE RESCUE PLAN that tells residents and visitors to the town what to do if it bursts into flames yet claims that it may not be appropriate for your particular purpose which the Astonisher believes may be intended to save the readers arse.
Generic warnings are good if they are used in the right places. This is clearly inappropriate for this booklet. To say in the content this is how you might save your life in the event of a CATASTROPHIC FIRE and then say don’t believe what we have written here gives one the impression that like all government departments what they want you to know is sometimes just empty words meant to assure you that everything is hunky-dory but really the skies falling in.More of the same ‘we don’t make mistakes’ attitude that has cost peoples lives in the past and in the case of this map the lives of you and me. 

IT’S ALL ARSE UP

(A contribution from a Labor Supporter)

The present bunch of political power-brokers that are running the country have lost not only direction but their bloody minds as well.

The new Carbon Tax, which unlike some pundits are claiming, will not bring the country to it’s knees. What it will do however, is create another layer of Ferrari and Lamborghini drivers to our streets, driven by nouveaux riche pricks that have managed to con us out of our money yet again.

It’s all the wrong way around. They introduce a Carbon Tax to encourage us to reduce our carbon footprint on the world and use that to reduce carbon in some other countries backyard. Yet suddenly and with no real reason take away subsidies for ordinary citizens to install solar power and water and reduce individual carbon emissions in our own backyard.

Instead, with the billions they will be making from this tax they could be offering free installation of solar equipment (you buy the unit) and reduce our electricity consumption, free public transport to all workers to get cars off the road and reduce car exhausts, and release the billions in gas reserves at the same price as they sell to China and bring the down the price of fuel for all gas appliances.

If we pay a Carbon Tax it should not be to enrich someone else nor to advantage some foreign country to buy their friendship or votes in some international competition. The Carbon Tax should be for the benefit of all Australian citizens not just for the finance companies, politicians and banks.

So say all of me.