MAXISING YOUR PROFIT

Maximising your profit by maximising your crop we believe is an interesting feature of this astonishing series of gardening tips, as it explains a method of increasing your yield which makes pruning or tipping obsolete. Even though in the last issue we went through this process it is a well proven belief that to increase your yield is to tie your plants down. In doing this all of the arms of the plant are encouraged to grow vertically, each arm is then capable of holding a much greater weight than normal. BDSM practitioners would be familiar with this method.

The best way to go about this method is by tying them down for about halfway where you think they are big enough. From then on once your plants start maturing not only will the main tip be able to produce fat heads but so will all the other arms of the plant.

This method of growing does vastly increase the yield of your crop and I think that for the grower that it is a revolution in the cultivation of high grade yields. When tying your plants down one must first be careful not to pull the plant down too far straight away, simply because you could snap the main stem. A good method to use when tying them down is to start off by pulling your plant down about half way and leave it to get used to the concept for at least a week. By the end of the week we would suggest that it would be safe to pull them down the rest of the way to your desired height.

When to Plant:

This is a controversial subject, and more often than not a question that seems not to be forgotten about in most other books. The answer is that there are several times a year which are good for planting. If growing plants commercially, which we don't recommend for the home gardener, you may try growing in a warm indoor environment under artificial light. This allow growing all year round but will produce more than you could safely consume.

For outdoors, especially in heavily wooded country, it depends very much on climate (Victoria is primarily October-March) and whether you want a long season (availability of sunlight) or a short season (exposed to the elements) and if you want a summer or winter crop. (Frost is not good for these plants).

If it is to be a long Summer season that you want you should sow your seeds no later than the first week of October. By doing this you are effectively getting in early as the days are starting to get longer again. This season can last right through until April or May which effectively gives you about 10 months from Jiffy to Jolly.

A short season on the other hand can last anything from 4 to 6 months and the general opinion is that for resin purposes there is no difference between the two. There are a considerable number of garden plants that produce resin with a variety of different purposes. A good gardener will need to refer to their Issue of 'Everything Has A Resin' for details of this process.

The shorter season should be started no later than early December and it will go right through to May which is about 5 months. We personally have a crowing season planned each year to start a month prior to Daylight Saving and harvest it all by the end of the Fire Restriction Season. This way we get the good warm to hot months for rapid growth and can burn off the stubble and residue without causing alarm.

We learned this the hard way when an Emergency Call was made to the Linton C.F.A by a passing motorist believing that out property was on fire. In reality it was only dust created by our ploughing stubble back into the garden to fertilise the next crop. Of course the C.F.A were not amused initially but after a generous donation of our recent harvest several of their members went off laughing and giggling to the Take-away for some munchies.

If you want to repeat this process for several seasons, and this depends on discovering the optimum growing space, you will notice that the plants you are growing will get bigger and better as the years go by.

A couple more things need to be mentioned. Firstly we have already covered the fact that seasons vary from state to state and even region to region. This is not confined to cultivation but to the governing bodies as well. So please make sure you have the regulations for growing in mind at all times.

Other publications in the Hanging Garden Series.

SEVERAL WAYS TO BEAT THE WRAP – Salads Without Bread by Lindsay Doyle

GARDEN AND PRUNE

Whether Muggle or Hagrid the process of pruning is much the same. At Dumbledore our property near Snake Valley we have been propagating the finest plants of any Hippie Garden undetected by the experts for a decade now. We are not publicity hounds and don't even have a sign on our fence. We rely on words of mouth to provide both keen gardeners and their admirers with all the enjoyment they need.

Pruning is generally done to create more yield off your plants, producing more fruit or nuts or buds, or to limit the size of the plant to fit the area in which you grow it. As a weed it can grow a little too prolific and will have every dickhead and dunce between here and Ballarat out looking for more dopes. S pruning becomes a necessity rather than a way of restricting production.

There are several methods of pruning but the most commonly used method would be stem tip removal. We have personally seen what we call 'panic pruning' occur more often than is necessary. This is a method whereby pruning is the rather drastic affair of pulling the whole plant out by its roots, something outside authorities seem to prefer, and getting rid of it either by the authorised version of incineration under Police supervision or by a quick dispersal sale at the back of Sebastapol High.

The tip removal process is achieved by simply removing the tips of the plant. (a.k.a 'Duh') and by doing this the plant effectively creates two new growing tips just below where you removed the original tip. Obviously good pruning by this method not only thickens the bush but doubles its cropping potential. This method is often used where the chances of having your crop decimated by disease or discovery is very low. Although effective we believe there is a superior method to creating more yield which I will explain under Maximising Your Crop.

I think this method of pruning is good for limiting the size of your plants, and thus better for indoor and hydroponic fanatics, more so than increasing your yield. The way you can limit the size of your plant/s is by tipping the arms at their desired lengths.

If your plants head off early enough in the season, meaning there is still a couple of months of summer remaining, it is good to prune your plants by cutting the larger buds off and putting them away for a rainy day. Once you have pruned the plants back it is good to start off by giving them a good feed of lifter and a nice big drink. An alternative is to distribute your excess crop along with a good stiff drink. Over the next couple of months it will be a very heady time as the plants will give head again and create even more yield.

Note: The Linton C.F.A Fire Restriction Period is almost equivalent to the Hagrid and Muggles growing season. This has the advantage of your crop not being 'incinerated in situ' but the disadvantage of being secretly admired by aircraft keeping their eyes out for bushfires.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

IT'S THYME - by the author Seymour Cumming

The story of Kerr's Cur

GARDENING WITH MUGGELS - 1

The foremost guide to growing Muggles. Brought together after vast research into the field of MUGGLE CULTIVATION. It is designed to help Lintonians create a greener future.

We would like to thank the good people at 'The Hanging Gardens Of Linton' for their sage advise about sage and muggle. We would especially like to thank their 'Gardening Guru' Master Bates for his even handed expertise.

The Astonisher has been advised that it is wrong to publish anything that might cause offence but as we have no fence we believe that this material is alright to publish. We would however like to issue a warning to our readers that we will write this once and only once and after a few minutes due to the deteriorating state of our mind will have forgotten what we wrote anyway.

The Beginners Guide to a spiritual experience:

It is true that gardening is a spiritual experience.

Seeds should always be kept in dry, airtight containers and when planted should be positioned pointy end up and about 1cm deep.

It is apparent that a plant is a male when you notice pollen balls, and a plant is a female when you notice the seed has a pair of breasts. It has also been said that by soaking your seeds in a glass of water overnight prior to sowing them that this will speed up and in fact help the germinating process. Note that this method only applies to plants.

Germination:

We believe the best way to germinate seeds is to use jiffy pots. They have about a 90% success rate . The most effective is to keep the Jiffies warm but damp at all times with adequate light. Muggles are best grown outdoors but grow-lights may suffice if you live in a caravan. If this is done right they should pop their little heads up above the surface within a fortnight.

Once the baby leaves have opened up it is time for the seedling to go into a new bed so shared accommodation is probably a good option. If you don't have a good bed to spare then a larger pot is all you need. A pot of about 25cm is good for starters but like all plants the taller they grow the more heavy their heads get and a tendency to fall over just like a two month old baby. And that is probably about the time it should spend in this size pot. Any longer than this and the little muggles will become root bound and this will hinder their growth (we assume you will be growing just enough plants to use in your own home)

If you are in a caravan, granny flat or hotel room you might like to keep your plants in a state of readiness for relocation and so an alternative which is quite effective and more mobile is by using cotton wool and water for the initial growing process at least. All you have to do is to duplicate your child's Botany Project from school, get a saucer and spread cotton wool over it and soak it in water. Once you have drained off the excess water then add your seed/s, providing that you keep them moist and warm (something akin to your groin on a hot day) you will have a reasonable success rate.

On choosing this method you should plant the seed as as shown when it's tap root becomes visible. We believe also that when planting seedlings in bed that you ensure unsoiled soil is used.

Jiffy Pots:

According to 'Fauna Kate' our resident vines and animal trainer it will take less brains than a Garden Gnome to set the pots up properly. Simply soak them in water for a little while and they will be ready to use. We even supply you with a drawing to help. Actually they do not look like real pots but expand from a thin Drafts piece into a large Tampon.

Recommended Soils and Fertilisers:

As mentioned in germination, we believe it to be a must to use unsullied soils. You can bolster them up by adding two parts potting mix and one part peat moss. This recipe will be good for the plant from the seedling stage where you need soft and fluffy right through to full maturity where they will need something solid to root in.

Keeping your plants continually fertilised is an important part in growing strong and potent healthy plants. There are many fertilisers readily available to the general pubic without prescription and our research has shown that the most effective are fish emulsion, chicken manure and dynamic lifter.

The best way to effective administer fertilisers correctly, would be to start off using the fish emulsion (a combination of dead fish (of course) and their floatings (also known as droppings.) You can do this when the plant is about 2 weeks old, and continue to use it up until the plant is about 6 weeks old.

Fish Emulsion is water soluble and safe to use as 4 caps full to about 8 litres of water (1 cap for each empty 2L bottle of Pepsi Max) and use this formula every time.

Once your muggles have reached the 6 week old stage it is suggested you stop using fish and graduate to chickens. Their manure should be used right up until the plants mature and start to show their first little buds. Chicken manure, by the time you are ready to use it, should see your little muggles in bigger pots or even in pot bags (not bags of pot) if you need to keep mobile. We recommend no more than about 2 small handfuls of chicken manure sprinkled around the edge of the pot or watering circle about once every three weeks. If you don't like handling manure then use gloves or somebody else's hand. With both fish emulsion and the chicken manure, one should avoid it coming into contact with the foliage and the chicken manure should also be kept away from the base of the plant. It is important to fertilise your plants so we need to continue to talk shit.

From the point where the plant is 6 weeks old use only dynamic lifter until the lifting process has ceased and you begin using your reward for all the hard and as yet unseen work you have done to get your muggles to this point. Dynamic Lifter, unlike its counterpart (chicken shit) is a slow release fertiliser. It has been recommended that dynamic lifter should be used while the plant is maturing because its slow process basically allows you to apply as much as you want (within reason) without worrying about it burning your plant/s.

Note: If you comer across any little chicken shit that causes a problem in distributing your muggles to friends or neighbours you will need to take evasive action to avoid any damage to the foliage. A hardy product marketed under the trade name 'Bunch of Fives' is bound to slow the problem down.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

HYMNS FOR THE GARDEN by Kerry Vann

Featuring the hit musical ROCKERY OF AGES

(To be continued)

KICK US IN THE TEETH AND WE’LL TURN THE OTHER CHEEK FOR MORE

I suppose by way of explanation for our Internet Readers who may not be familiar with the small details about Linton. The ‘Saints’ are the local A.F.L Team who planned and executed a childish adventure through a few towns by hired-bus to celebrate their winning of the District Australian Football League Competition.

By the time they got to Linton - The Linton-Carngham Football Team to give them their proper title were so drunk and so belligerent, typical of tiny-cocked footy players, that they decided to vandalise some artwork a resident had installed on the median strip outside the pub for the fun of it.

Charge Of Footballing Saints

by Alfred

Memorializing Events in the Rape of the Sheep, September 2008.
Written 2014

Half a step half a stagger,
Half a lurch onward,
Across the highway at Linton
Staggered the six:
'Forward, the A.F.L!
Charge for the centre ones' they yelled:
Onto the Median Strip
Swayed the six.

'Forward, the Footy Club!'
Was there a man dismay'd ?
Not tho' the footballer knew
Some were plastered:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do & die,
Onto the median strip
Rolled the six.

Sheep to the right of them,
A swaggie to left of them,
Sheep in front of them
Wooden & blackened;
Nary a hole from shot or shell,
Wildly they strode and fell,
Into the Bushes of Linton,
Into the moss and Garden
Careened the six.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,
Flash'd as they unzipped in air
Abusing the sheep they found there,
Charged like an army while
All the town wonder'd:
Plunged in the cigarette-smoke
Right thro' the artwork they broke;
Carngham & Snake
Reel'd from the hit and miss,
Shatter'd & sunder'd.
The sheep they plundered
Raged the six.

Sheep fell to the right of them,
Swaggie swayed to left of them,
Sheep not left behind them
Raved, yelled and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with feet plundered,
Some drunken hooligan fell,
They that had damaged so well
Came thro' the bushes of Linton,
Back to the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
All of the six.

When can their exploits fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the town wonder'd.
While they watch the crowd plundered
Dishonour the Saints,
The hero six!

The Astonisher has commenced a campaign, considering the Council and the Police both knew of the incident, that we would try have the artwork re-installed and the damage paid for by the football team. The local policeman, a supporter of the tream (and I suppose fair enough as nobody laid an official complaint) has done nothing, the Council also aware of the vandalism and the perpetrators did nothing but remove the damaged artwork to the council yard and dumped it there, finally disposing of it in 2012. In fact no witnesses ever laid a complaint at any time to authorities, not even the Publican to whom the Manager of the team promised to make reparations for the damage.

Our complaint, after patiently waiting 6 years for nothing to happen, wrote to Golden Plains Council. The letter went as far as the ‘Arts Officer’ (whatever she is supposed to be in charge of) who, in a phone call, at first suggested Council apply for a Commonwealth Arts Grant to have them replaced. We threatened to blow the whistle to the Federal Arts Minister if they tried to get Federal or State Taxpayers to foot the bill. The last communication with her was an agreement to approach a local Men’s Shed who, slung $200 or so by the Football Club (who drunkardly admitted liability), might make replicas of the wooden sheep and council re-install them. Naturally she has done nothing and we expect nothing will be done. An attempt was made by a local artist, who created two sheep ‘at it’ and placed them on the median strip. Council workers soon saw the attempt at humour and it only lasted a few hours.

No charges have ever been laid or explanations sought by anyone except the Astonisher. So if you feel like kicking the shit out of some defenceless inanimate object feel free tro come to Linton. Our council apparently doesn’t give a fuck. This is an ongoing campaign so be prepared for more to come.

CAPITALISM CANNOT ETERNALLY PROSPER

The world is still recovering very slowly, along with the dismal 5% that superannuation is paying at the moment (even banks can afford 5% on some Savings Accounts) but some of us still seem to be optimistic about the future. Maybe it’s because some pundits including myself believe that Capitalism as we know it is dead and that something else, maybe Co-operatism or Localism will take its place.

Capitalism is dead? Yes. Capitalism used to be the closest we will ever come to perpetual motion. That elusive invention that will keep going without the use of any external force. It did exist but the financial sector decided that it was not making fast or vast profits and replaced it with a thing called the Market Economy, not based on the traditional market as we know it but upon the New York Stock Exchange where imaginary money is perpetually heading into Banks. This force then evolved into a device used by all Stock Exchanges to make money from money and to force the making of widgets to become a by-product that money would buy and not what the country should produce.

Let me try to explain it in a different way. The concept of capitalism being perpetual motion came from the fact that people wanted to buy widgets to improve their life. So they got a job which paid a wage which allowed them to buy widgets. When widgets were bought they had to be replaced in the shop so more were made for selling and so it all went in circles seemingly forever. To encourage people to make improved things like iWidgets every time something was made or sold it was for a profit. This profit was also used to buy designer widgets for people with more money than you or I were earning making these things in the first place. People were even gainfully employed getting widgets going again when they broke down. And so goods, services and money went around and around, making work for people so they couldn’t sit around on their arse all day watching cooking shows, and life in the 20th Century was good and productive and everyone was happy.

Then along came the Creative Accountants. Too many widgets were being repaired and people were not consuming enough widgets. Lets invent the 5 year lifespan so every five years they will have to be replaced, then we’ll be able to make things so cheap they’ll be cheaper to replace than to repair. The chemical and oil companies kept inventing new materials they wanted us to make widgets from so they began building widgets out of things that could not be repaired at all but could be ‘recycled’. This meant that instead of repairing widgets we recycled them and so perpetual motion began to morph, not into more jobs, but into cheaper and cheaper disposable widgets. The end result of this was there were many holes in our planet that we could fill up with all this thrown-away stuff and it would smooth earth out so that it could all have a level playing field.

As a result of widgets becoming cheaper some people began to make much bigger profits and paid themselves more money than they were worth. Now these rich vagina’s wanted even more money so they could be richer than Gina Reinhardt and become a God themselves.

Eventually even the 5 year plan failed to make big enough profits Apple and Microsoft (two evil widget makers) invented the idea of ‘upgrading’ and produced new models every six months to keep us buying new things and sending the old to the recycle bin just to keep ahead of the iWidgets owned by our friends.

All this frantic activity appeared not to be duplicated in the bedroom which produced a dismal outlook for the future as busy consumers had no time to have, raise or educate children. So the Government following the advice of big business began importing more people so that our economy could grow and more money could be made. Making money was good and making more money was even more gooder.

This new economic system has not produced a level playing field but has piled all the money at one end where rich people spend it on redesigned houses and fannies while at the other end they sleep on the street in redesigned boxes and sell their fannies. This is not good. Co-operatism must be the end result, either that or we Putin everything back into a socialist state where the poor stay poor and the rich get a bullet between the eyes.

COULD AUSTRALIA BE A DEMOCRACY?

I think it was Karl Marx that said ‘Democracy does not work’, and even back a hundred years he was right. Western Democracy as we know it in Australia is as removed from the real thing as a Peoples Republic has anything to do with people. What we have in this country is nothing like democracy as it should be. As citizens:-

Do we choose our Prime Minister?

Do we frame sensible and reasonable laws?

Do we adjudicate political disputes?

Do we our set representatives pay or conditions?

Do we choose to go to war?

Can we sue the government?

Do we choose how our taxes are spent?

What is the definition of Democracy? Each sovereign state sees democracy a different way but true Democracy is ‘People Power’ it is not rule by a Dear Leader or an Ayatollah or a King.

The only way we can do anything to effect the way the country is governed is by real People Power. We don’t have to sit back and wait to be screwed, it just needs us all to act together in concert to demand the things that we believe benefit the entire community not just loudly squealing special interest groups like bloody Vegans and Non-smokers..

People Power is banding together to save the Yellow Bottomed Foot Wobbler or stopping the privatised manufacturing of our water supplies or the spurious poisoning our children with Flouride. People Power is the Franklin Dam, stopping the sale of the Snowy Mountains Scheme, and People Power is Buying Australian products.

A bank would soon change its tune if we all just walked in and closed our account. The Big Four would not last five days without us so why do we just lay still and let them screw us.

How long does it take, in these days of electronic banking, to transfer your account to another bank of your choosing. One bank is much the same as the other these days, they have a hundred ways to part you from your cash. However the thought that there might be run on them if they do wrong would certainly make them think twice. Of course those of us with mortgages at that bank would have to consider our options carefully but you can certainly threaten. There are lots of other loan sharks to choose from.

A breakdown in the banking computer system reaps millions for the banks in additional earnings on your money. Did you receive compensation last time you were wrongly stuffed by a bank?

Well I would suggest, if I were to ever have the power, that all political parties would be banned. You could have organizations of course, and parties……plenty of parties….. but no elected official should ever be in a position that they would have to listen to anyone other than the people who elected them. No party bosses or whips, no hacks and no branch stacking.

If you put both hands in the air at the same time you are either being robbed or voting in a political pre-selection ballot. Whichever they be they both be the same.

I am not one to make predictions. Not accurate ones anyway. But I will predict that by 2025 we will still be led by similar talentless incompetants that we have today. We will still not realize that it is our money coming back from China and buying out our economy.

Our children will all need to be conversant in Chinese to understand instructions from their employers.

The only loyalty Company Directors have is to each other. Patriotism amongst Chief Executive Officers is only to those who pay the biggest salary.

By 2025 the rich will still be getting richer, we will all be living in houses the size of Buckingham Palace and only small, local newspapers will still be in the journalism business.

By 2050 the Market Economy will be replaced by the rule of the Peoples Congress in Bejing and newspapers will carry headlines such as 

'MILLIONS LINE MELBOURNE STREETS TO WELCOME DEAR LEADER FROM CHINA'.