ADVANCE LINTON FAIR

In recent times one would note that the most exciting thing to happen to Linton in the last six months was the kidnapping of Wilma from her Office. When a town becomes totally fixated on a bloody doll then maybe we should think about the sanity of the population. I was just sitting around the other day playing something from J.S Bach on my Shoe Horn when it came to me that Linton and its environs which includes the residents of Clappy Valley need to do something other than make off with life size dolls for some bizarre purpose.

Could we hold a Linton Charity Auction involving all the local community organisations together and for them to divide the spoils amongst themselves according to their input of saleable donations? Is this a good time financially to be drawing on the restricted incomes of our small population?

The Progress Association holds a Firewood Raffle once or twice a year but is that enough? I’m not sure that potential Tourists would stop on the way through to buy wood that may have to be transported back to Kazakstan.

One idea I thought of might be to promote the local Roman Ruins. We have holes in the ground scattered throughout the district that may have been Roman Baths and enough derelict brick structures to explain away as ancient Villa’s. A few old walls, the display of some broken terracotta pots or even some spearheads. We have enough Victorian Iron Lacework to scatter a few pointy bits around and I’m sure several disfigured old Pennies might find their way into the bottom of an abandoned well.

Do we have to have something tangible to draw in the Tourists? What about popular annual events such as an ‘Athiest Conference’ where even Agnostics of Golden Pains, Ballarat and Pyranees could get together to explain scientifically how God doesn’t really exist. Father John could be a Guest Speaker and a Raffle held for a new Stature of the Holy Mother for the Sussex Street Median Strip.

Every year 600 Million Dollars goes overseas in Internet Gambling which sort of ruins the idea of Mandatory Gambling Limits in Australia. Linton could get in on this act. Establish in the Blue Room tables, chairs and lounges and a dozen laptop computers hooked up to Wi-fi and connected exclusively to overseas Gambling Sites. Roulette, Black Jack, and Poker could all be played in a relaxed community atmosphere and we could all lose our money together. This would draw in people from Skipton and Smythesdale to lose their money as well. The $5.00 an hour charge to use the service could then be ploughed back into the Linton Community Groups. It’s a win-win situation for some of us.

A side benefit would be that we could qualify to be a high-rollers site and thus like Crown be exempt from Australian Smoking Laws. Of course we would need to prove we were smoking Imported Tobacco and not locally grown Hemp.

In Malaya they have formed Obedient Wives Clubs maybe we could establish one in Linton. Of course the Leaders would be men as ordained by God. Then maybe I should rethink that idea in the light of the iron laden purse heading for my forehead. Maybe the thought of each man being allowed to have four wives would leave nothing for us fat ugly ones.

Now that the town appears to be awakening from its economic slumber it could eventually lead to us being able to establish one of those popular Fishing and Surfing Shops. With Cape Clear so close it’s a badly needed resource for the area. The new Café 80 could redecorate with a Surfing Theme and Suzie’s specialise in selling Board Shorts knitted exclusively by Country Comforts