One of our supposed Cadet Journalists, who should really get a life, has been storing some little newspaper gems away instead of pleasuring themselves like normal adolescents. These are real articles from the real papers and the world wide wankers thing.
CAULIFLOWER - THE FUTURE CANCER TREATMENT. (Herald-Sun 3 July 2011)
SUPER STRAWBERRIES HELP FIGHT CANCER. (Daily Telegraph 12 Jun 2011)
PURPLE ‘SUPER TOMATO’ THAT CAN FIGHT AGAINST CANCER. (Mail Online 27 Oct 2008)
OLIVE OIL COMPOUNDS MAY HELP FIGHT BREAST CANCER. (West Australian 26 Dec 2008)
MILK MAY BE KEY FACTOR TO STOP CANCER. The Advertiser 29 Aug 2008. And he we were thinking that food was just for staying alive. Lets see what illness can do for us.
ASTHMA CUTS A CANCER RISK. (The Mercury 26 Jul 2008)
CAN A COLD KILL CANCER - TRIAL ON HUMANS. (Daily Telegraph 14 May 2008)
SCIENCE DISHES THE DIRT—FILTH MAY STOP CANCER. (Sydney Morning Herald 10 Jan 2008) So not doing housework is good? No wander I’m healthy. Lets see what chemicals can do after killing 99% of all germs. Didn’t they just say filth was good?
FROGGY CURES (Skins). (The National Business Review 17 Jan 2011). Who’d have thought that Princess was just kissing the frog to get herself a Prince. The National Business Review?. Speaking of skin -
SUNSCREEN PROVEN TO PREVENT MELANOMA. (Cancer Council 7 Dec 2007) (Aust) but then again SUNSCREEN MIGHT CAUSE CANCER. (Dominion Post 15 Mar 2008) (NZ) If you look at the publishing dates it might suggest a ploy to rid Australia of pesky Kiwi’s?
ASPIRIN CAN KEEP CANCER AT BAY. (The Mercury 10 Dec 2010)
ASPIRIN LINK TO CANCER. (Mail Online 10 Feb 2009). The latter headline was a story most likely posted by the Alternative Medicine lobby. But us boozies can beat cancer too.
WINE ‘HELPS PREVENT CANCER’ (Mail Online 18 Feb 2009) But obviously the wine lobby wanted us to drink more. So.
HALF A GLASS OF WNE A DAY INCREASES THE RISK OF CANCER. (Telegraph Online 28 Feb 2010)
And for the wowsers.
COFFEE MAY RAISE CHILD CANCER RISK. (Mail Online 26 Jan 2011)
COFFEE KICK STARTS GENE TO FIGHT CANCER. (Telegraph Online 17 June 2011) So don’t give children coffee - then again if they’re pregnant?
We knew it the body is doing nasty things to itself too.
PILL PREVENTS ONE CANCER BUT CAUSES OTHERS. (The Australian 26 Jan 2008). This might suggest the newspaper is having a bet each way.
EXCESSIVE SEX MAY CAUSE CANCER. (Mail Online 8 Mar 2009)
BALNESS CANCER LINK. (Daily Telegraph 17 Feb 2011) We believe that this may have been promoted by a popular Hair Clinic linked to Shane Warne. Maybe he read the previous headline about sex.
DWARFISM CAUSES CANCER. (The Age 18 Feb 2011). So steer clear of that little guy next to you. But then again they say
TALL MEN FACE HEIGHTENED RISK OF PROSTATE CANCER. (The Australian 6 Sept 2008) Besides being an awful Murdoch pun it leads us nicely into the next headline.
SCIENCE LINKS PROSTATE TO FINGER LENGTH.(The Courier-Mail 17 Feb 2011) So that’s why my last exam was so painful.
TOP CANCER DOCTOR SAYS YOU SHOULD HAVE A SUNBED SESSION. (Mail Online 24 Jan 2004) Something tells me this might be a Murdock rag because The Age (31 August 2010) countered with SUNBED STUDY CONFIRMS CANCER LINK.
Wey! Hey! Tell all those dancers at the rage tonight that-
ECSTACY REDUCES CANCER RISK. But maybe only in England? (UK Express 19 Aug 2011)
BOSS LESS LIKELY TO GET CANCER. (Daily Telegraph 18 Feb 2008.) That’s probably because he’s busy giving everyone else bloody ulcers.. Maybe we should be a bit tongue in cheek about the next two considering the publishing date.
INCREASED CANCER RISK FOR BARBERS. (West Australian 1 April 2008) and on the same day on the other side of the ditch
BREATHE COW DUNG, COCKIES—IT’LL CUT YOUR CANCER RISK. (NZ Herald.)That story was probably planted by a few frustrated Friesians about the sheep getting all the action.
And finally if you think that staying home and doing nothing might be the answer.
HOW USING FACEBOOK COULD RAISE YOUR RISK OF CANCER. (Mail Online July 2011)
Our thanks to the Chaser boy.
No comments:
Post a Comment