PLAYING WITH THEIR DANGLY BITS

NEVER IN MY LIFE did I ever imagine walking into the Box Office of Her Majesty’s and asking the kindly box office lady for two tickets to watch two guys play with themselves.

Yet a month or so back there I was with dollars in hand and a grin on my lips. The Ancient Australian Art of Genital Origami.

PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS !!!

So exclaimed the sign over the Marquee outside the theatre. World famous! They’ve performed in front of the ‘crowned heads’ of Europe! 2 men 2 dicks and 2 much spare time. With all the double entendres splashing around I was quite relieved when there was no sign that said ‘Come one come all’.

A week later and there we were, thankfully in row 14, two guys behind thirteen packed rows of  women, all women, all ages and sizes, some with binoculars, a few women with probably less well-endowed husbands with telescopes.

The only spoilly bit of the show from my point of view was the excruciatingly loud head-banging music at the start. If there was going to be a lot of head-banging on stage why did we have to listen to it as well.

While we waited I was reminded of the only other time I’d paid to see anybody’s naughty bits. It was back in the 60’s in King’s Cross when I was taken to a strip club and from the front row was given an extraordinary view of what a woman could do with a banana both peeled and unpeeled.

Last Christmas I was outside what I thought was the same club and there stood maybe the same doorman. Intrigued I stopped and asked the guy if the girl was still performing with her bananas. His response was ‘Yes, but now she’s doing the same act for the old guys in the nursing home where she lives.’ He went on to say that now she’s on a pension the old guys have to pay for the bananas.

The show started and brought me back to reality. A local comedienne pulled off a few reasonable jokes about guys and there dangly bits and lots of sniggers about what girls get up to in bed but nothing that you might not hear in any pub amongst a group of happy women.

I won’t go beyond the bit where Simon Morley and David Friend come out in lengthy robes and perform their warming up exercises for I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you going to see them yourselves. A large video screen gives you all the close-ups you need, a bit much for us men but of great delight to the women with the telescopes.

The Bulldog, The Wristwatch, The Eiffel Tower, The Windsurfer, The Pelican and the Atomic Mushroom. These were just some of the many and varied tricks the two men performed to the ooohs! aaahs! and ouches! of the audience. On leaving the theatre there was a long line of women waiting to buy books, DVD’s and other penisphanalia so much so I had to wait 15 minutes to get the guys autographs.

I would recommend the book. It explains with pictures quite clearly all of the tricks that one can do even in the comfort of your own bedroom and much to the delight of your partner.

The only thing that I felt hard was the bloody old seats at the venerable old venue. Yet another thing Ballarat Council can’t get right. They can be hard-nosed but do we need to be hard-arsed.