I SPY WITH MY LITTLE ….....

How can anybody keep tabs on our spies? We can’t and not even the Minister knows the full extent of what’s going on.

In a way there is a scintilla of truth in those supposedly fictional adventures of Bourne and Bond as they route and root across our screens from one nail-biting moment to the next plausible impossible action. The C.I.A in the United States is a proven rogue element, working as much against its own government as it is against naughty Dictators and terrorist thugs.

But we have stupidity and ineptitude on our side when it comes to A.S.I.O or our other quasi-spy services. Who in their right mind would hold an exercise including kicking down doors and firing blanks on a whole floor of a hotel without even telliung the management it was going to happen. Several guests shat themselves when faced with armoured Ninja’s screaming hup, hup, and clear, clear bursting into their room without even crying out room service.

What spy agency advertisers in The Australian and other major classified papers that A.S.I.O is looking for new recruits to be spies. It seems they have moved from the clandestine recruitment of suitable university students (in England had already been recruited by the ‘other side’) to become a secret agent instead of a business analyst.

One wanders what skills they are looking for. Creep? Nerd? Stalker?

A.S.I.O is a seriously incompetant organisation who would be better off subscribing to the Peoples Daily or Pravda to get information. Who would outsource their communications to Optus, owned by the Singapore Government, on a promise that they wouldn’t peek.

Recently they requested a further $100 million taxpayer dollars for unspecified purposes.

‘We can’t tell you how we will spend it, that top secret’.

In reality we all know that a senior public servants salary package, of which only half we know about, is tied to the number of staff he has under his command. The more staff the higher his remuneration, and as ouyr Prime Minster is paid more than the President of the United States, our top spy is probably paid more than the Director of the C.I.A or M.I’s.5 and 6 combined. Jesus even Xinling Ping of China is only paid around AU$23,000 a year after discounting the AU$17 million in bribes.

There used to be a saying that ‘what we know won’t hurt us’ and that was true when we had a government we could trust and believe in. But in an era when the electorrate cannot be told what’s going in with the Pan-Pacific Partnership (a euphemism for fuck Australia) how can we ever believe that the likes of Clive Palmer, Kim Jung Un or Vladimir Putin have the our best interest on their mind.

By upgrading the terror alert to ‘probable’ means even more money on security as every other agency goes in for the financial kill as well. When half the terror plots and terrorists are discovered and thwarted by people pushing shopping trolley or serving coffee why should we not just offer huge rewards for finding the culprits and downgrade A.S.I.O to that of a Filing Clerk.

To make it even more difficult for us to trust our fellow citizens along come the white Australia bigots and shock jocks like Alan Jones (with a following of a massive 100,000 people out of 23 million) to beat up stories of murder and mayhem in the Islamic communities. Nothing would please these horrible humans more than a few more Cronulla riots to further divide the country.

I say lets just get rid of A.S.I.O and trust our own instincts after all A.S.I.O, in reality, is just an extension of the C.I.A and beholden to their whims since the downfall of Gough. I might end this confusing tirade by rephrasing those famous words ‘Well might we say God save the people for little will save us from the ravages of public servants’.

I’M WAR STRUCK

There he stood, head bowed low so as to keep it hid from the German gunners a hundred metres away. This British soldier has now spent eight months in these bloody trenches with a battle front that was neither going forward nor backward. It was wet underfoot and everything was damp. The smell of mouldy sox, pee-soaked underwear and rotting leather combined to make it almost unbreathable in his isolated little foxhole. He had been alone now for three days waiting for someone, to relieve him. His rations were almost out and he began to wonder whether anyone besidse himself was still alive out there.

He fell silent and clung closer to the wall of his hole. Had he heard something? The enemy? Was he about to die?

Everyone around him was either just laying silent or were dead. The only thing he could see behind him was several parts of someone’s body scattered from the direct hit from a mortar. It had been his predecessor. He had died while defending this part of the line and the soldier thought that maybe that was his future as well. Every man who had occupied this trench had been killed and their heads struck various gazes from around the parapet.

That sound. A rustling, creeping, crawling sound came from behind him and he felt a little relieved. From over his head a voice called.

‘Oi! Mate. Anyone f*cken there?’

The soldier harshly whispered for he had not spoken in days. ‘Friend or foe?‘

‘Friend, a f*ckin friend - ya f*cken dork’’ came the reply.

‘What’s the password? ‘He queried.

‘Your mother’s a slut’, said the voice, uttering the secret words for that week. He didn’t always appreciate the sense of humour of his Australian Commander when setting passwords.

‘Advance friend and be recognised’ said the relieved soldier in the trench ‘am I glad to hear a live voice for once’.

With that a khaki clad body, uniform fresh as a daisy fell into the pit. ‘Shit!’ it exclaimed ‘f*cken mud all over me f*cken gear’.

‘Welcome to my humble trench’ said the British soldier ‘I take it that you are an Australian’.

‘You’re f*ckin right you f*cken Pom’ said the Aussie.

To the relief of the Brit at having been relieved by anyone, even an Aussie he asked the inevitable question.

‘Have you come here to die?’ he asked.

‘No’ came the reply ‘ I got here f*cken yesterdie’.

Boom Boom

EVEN THE BAD GUYS CAN BE HEROES.

Two things that annoy me are people that whinge about the government but just donkey vote or don't vote at all and those who are quite happy to suck the nipples of the state, like unemployment benefits and universal health care, without recognising who provided those benefits in the first place.

I openly admit that Gough Whitlam had a vision for Australia that his Ministers didn't quite share, and I'll even give credit to Malcolm Fraser, even though he did send me off to Asia for a working holiday in Vietnam, for the good work he did following the Menzies era. I admired Gough, Fraser and his ilk, John Gorton, although he was too far left for his right to be comfortable and the Elders Curtin, Chifley and Menzies.

All of these men, whether to the left or the right did some good for the country unlike the syncophants that walk the halls of power these days. Even Malcolm Fraser decried the fact that Statesmen were no longer around but only party hacks and functionaries that managed to leap-frog and back-stab there way to the top. In this group I place Gillard, Rudd and Abbott firmly at the centre ??? well, the jury is still out but I do hear the grinding of knife sharpeners somewhere behind Turnbull..

No amount of shuffling of the portfolios makes one bit of difference except maybe taking out a whinging Poodle and replacing them with a Rottweiller. Back to the whingers. Don't stand near me and cry foul about Whitlam then put your hand out for unemployment benefits, don't carry on about Labor and then happily traipse down to the doctor for free health services, don't cry in your beer when you have to pay some of the cost of your medicines. Nearly all the benefits of a welfare state came through the Labor ranks.

Maybe there are exceptions but it seems to me that the Liberal-National party sends us off to war and Labor brings us back. Do I hear howls of derision? Liberals brought in Conscription and Labor saw it farewelled. Gough brought in Free Education so the potential of every child could be reached only to be terminated by Howard two decades later, after all his supporters had graduated for free of course.

There is good and bad in every political party despite your voting preferences, even the Sex Party has some great policies, so rather than just scream blue murder about the party you don't like think about the party you do or even consider the ideas of single issue groups off in fairyland. We live in a democracy and to make that democracy work we are allowed to vote them in or out every four years. Lets see what the winners do and then vote accordingly the next time.

To change the words of Gough and as a warning to all knee-jerk voters

“May well we say God Save Trump for there is nothing that can save America”

FREEWAY, TOLLWAY AND EXPRESSWAY

What does these words mean? My Larousse Dictionary describes Freeway as a noun meaning ‘a toll free expressway’ and a Tollway as a noun meaning ‘‘a fee may be charged to use the expressway’. What I still don’’t understand is that in reality both are one in the same, the only difference is that on a Tollway to have to pay to get f…… about. When I look up the term Expressway it becomes very clear being described as a wide divided road which has several lanes and limited access, and which crosses other roads at a different level, for ‘high speed’ through traffic. Someone should write to the compilers of dictionaries to point out the gross error in their definitions. And to correct them immediately.

On a trip to Melbourne recently using both types of expressway I found no difference between government built monstrosities from which serving politicians derive their income and the private road from which retired politicians derive their income and both road systems are controlled by the ’Mysterious Reasons Agency’.

The MRA is like Homeland Security. A non-cooperative group of different government departments and private agencies tasked with thwarting terrorism by making it impossible to deliver any form of device, be it car, truck, trailer or second-hand bomb from one side of the city to the other. Of course this means that sometimes there is collateral damage manifested in unintended circumstances which also prevent everyone else from crossing from one side of the city to the other.

The various agencies involved use ten differing methods to achieve their aims.

The steeple-chasers, those employees whose job it is to erect as many barriers as possible for other workers to stand behind and then retire to a shed for the day to watch SBS soccer.

Members of the Lollypop League whose job it seems is to jump out in front of cars vigorously waving red and yellow ‘slow’ signs and then violently spin it to ‘stop’’ the moment you are two metres away from them. If you are quick enough the lollypop will not get tangled up in your windscreen wipers, if not you will be faced with a rather ugly mug flattened against your windscreen glass.

The Driver with the epileptic foot that alternates between 5 and 60 km/hr because the speed sign said 40. Sitting behind one of these drivers is like being assaulted by red strobe lights that inevitably mean that anyone who suffers from real epilepsy is also about to start disco dancing in their car.

The ‘Gamers’ who, with a Controller in their hand, create havoc changing the electronic speed signs. Over a ten kilometres stretch they can make twenty changes to the speed signs for no apparent reason except to play with your mind.

The overhead electronic gantries designed to flash messages from the Traffic Mess Centre somewhere in downtown St.Kilda. By watching streaming videos from various observation points they can direct the signs to make all manner of statements that may or may not actually be true. ‘Slow down traffic hazard ahead’ and ‘prepare yee the way to change lanes at any moment’ are two of the more popular messages, but the most annoying is the ‘‘prepare to stop ahead’ when you have been sitting motionless for 15 minutes.

The motorway gantries to indicate your speed that either do not work or inexplicably measure the car speed in the lane beside you.

This combination of events will then so confuse you that you have no idea what speed you are supposed to be driving at just in time to have your photo taken and speed recorded at the ‘safety camera’ installed on yet another overhead gantry. I’’m not sure of the correct figures but probably $15 million may have been collected last year just from these camera alone, but then we see that it cost $16 million to install and monitor them over the same period. This loss is then made up by collections from Parking Metres and that is less than what Gina Reinhardt pays in tax. I told you it was all mysterious didn’t I? There is no evidence being presented that prove that speed cameras have saved a single life and plenty of evidence to say they haven’t.

What about the fictional signs ? Dan Brown could write another Da Vinci Code trying to explain why speed warning signs force you to slow down to 40 only to find the only thing happening was you slowing down to 40, or the ‘Work on Side Road’ when you can’t even find a side road.

I would just love to be given some super power to be able to deal with the moron who blocks off three of the four lanes available, at a point where you have no escape route, so that one bloke can dig a hole in the verge or mow the median strip with a hand mower.

There seems to be a belief in the MRA that slow speeds save lives when in fact they don’t. Lives are lost through frustration over the drivers employed to slow you down by deliberately travelling 20Km under the speed limit.

A good cure for all of these problems, and a sure-fire way to make expressways do what they are supposed to be doing would be to employ demobbed SAS, fresh back from Afghanistan, to perch themselves on the overhead gantries with the aim of taking out any terrorist not obeying the rules of the road. I would start by positioning a couple of snipers just before the Westgate Bridge to prevent anyone from blocking any lane for any reason that would impede the flow of traffic whether they be a driver, steeple-chaser, lollypop person or the bloke that takes the film out of the speed (sorry ‘safety’) cameras. A quick simple solution to most of the problems preventing expressways from expressing.

ELIMINATE THE PROBLEM?

According to my television set, and the little people inside it called documentary makers, the information I get from it is unerringly accurate down to the last detail as it is not in the interest of the professional film-maker to lie, maybe with the exception of Leni Reifenstahl, and maybe some gifted editors as well, just for balance you understand.

There have been several documentaries lately pointing out the vast array of electronic surveillance gadgets available to American spies. Put a word into a special computer in Langley, Virginia and without fail it will pick that word out from all the radio and TV broadcasts, emails and telephone calls in the United States and in countries it wants to keep an eye on (i.e planet earth). It can monitor social pages, twitter and internet messaging. There is not one corner of the electronic world it can’t stick its nose into. Or so they tell us.

I’m wondering if this is really true. If it were true then criminals would be unable to operate, drug traffickers would fail every smuggling attempt, there would be no illegals crossing the Mexican Border or drowning in leaky boats from Indonesia and they would be able to track down every ‘troll, stalker and cyber bully’ with great ease. The internet, telephony and not even morse code would be safe from American scrutiny.

The reality is that more innocent civilians locate thieves, drug dealers, illegals, terrorists and other naughty people than the almost 1 million security personelle on the United States payroll. True. There are more Muslims dobbing in Islamic Radicals than Christians. You are more likely to foil a plot to grow marijuana in Linton than all the sophisticated equipment available to our local police and that extends out to the rest of the world as well. But marijuana still gets grown, so where has it all gone wrong, why are we paying people not to find things?

When it comes to looking after our community we can do more for ourselves than the professionals. We don’t need to create a law to make people behave, we only need people to be aware of what is going on around them and, yes, sometimes diplomatically stick our nose in where it doesn’t belong.

But the real problem these days is ‘cyber-creepies’’ the bullies and not terrorists. It’s ‘hackers’ and irresponsible twits who ‘twitter’ not Muslims. Most terrorists have some ill-guided intention to actually do good things for their community. A crazy community to be sure but still a community. Most of them are totally illiterate and cannot fight with the pen so they fight with the gun, most of them brainwashed from childhood to believe Mullah’s and Imams were pure, honest and sincere just as we were taught that our religious representatives were honest, sincere and pure, Hey Cardinal Pell, get the hint?

Nothing compares to ‘cyber-bullies’ these anonymous creeps, the most disgusting low-life on the planet. But the internet can be controlled, despite the fact that you don’t have to be 18 to click on ‘I am over 18’. We do not need anyone to censor what we can access on the internet. It is up parents to monitor their children. They might see what’s going on with the laptop at home, but how do they know what their children are looking up on their tablets and smart phones on the way to or even when they are at school? Censorship has become a thing of the past, we no longer need old people watching every foot of image to tell us whether we should see it or not. We can download it at our leisure without any censorship these days.

The other day I wanted to create a cartoon with a fat guy in it, with few or no clothes on, so in Google images I searched for ‘Naked Fat Men’. Jesus Christ, there they all were fat men playing with their dicks, big ones, small ones some as big as your head. Some of them were even putting the left one in and shaking it all about.

Internet Service Providers here and overseas should be held liable if they permit, under any circumstances, there service being used for cyber-abuse or any other crime. They should have enough identity on record to be able to assist in the prosecution of offences. It would not be impeding free speech on the internet, although some forms of censorship should be imposed on some sites intended to create havoc and not peaceful pursuits. There are ways we can defend ourselves against cyber-bullies and other cyber-crimes.

‘Trolls’ those who deliberately set out to abuse others on the net can be stopped through correct registration of their account/s. Google, Yahoo and all the other major companies have so much information on us that could be used to stop these people in their tracks. It would be wrong to hand all this information over to just anybody which they sometimes do with law enforcement authorities but the handing over of any information should be through the instrument of a court order and not just to kow-tow to bullying governments.

As was said previously we have ways and means to solve our own problems and to not rely on incompetent protective services. ‘Bullies’ need a response so don’t give them one. Ignoring them is the more successful strategy. You can block some sites to these offenders anyway. There are programs to block all manner of unwanted material if they are used correctly.

Of course you could take the other tack and call their bluff. Decide to meet them but don’t tell them it will be in the presence of your parents or a Policeman. Most likely these gutless slugs, to use a nicer term than I was thinking of, will most likely not show themselves but crawl back under the rock that they slithered from.

I would suggest that a law be introduced that would make bully’s liable if it can be proved that their actions led directly to the death of another person. Manslaughter at the very least. It is easy to take a ‘screen grab’ to the Police so that they have evidence to start proceedings against cyber-bullies.

In summary the person who pays the Internet Account should be held responsible for how that account is used, regardless of whether they are aware of the abuse or not. Financial penalties are usually the best deterrent.

YOU CAN RUN BUT CAN YOU HIDE?

That's a bit of a derivation of an old saying to introduce this story on the dangers of BUSHFIRE. It's that season again folks. Some reckon this season will be bad and it’s shaping up that way, but they’re a long way from Linton.

'We haven't had a bushfire round here for nigh on 9 years'.

Some will act a little unreasonably;

'There's a fire in Wadonga do you think we should evacuate Happy Valley?'

But everyone will react and they will react differently. That's why the CFA has not recommended any ONE particular course of action. We are responsible for our own safety and equipped with the right information we are able to make our own rational decisions about what to do in the event of fire.

We find information nights put on by local authorities are notoriously under-attended. It seems the 'I'm alright Jack' syndrome is alive and well in Woady Yaloak. Less than 1 percent of the population bothers to find out what they should do in the event of fire, yet 99 percent will whinge and complain when it affects them. Why didn't the government do this, why didn't the council do that, and why weren't we told.

If I hear one more local resident whine on about things that someone else should have done I will wring their bloody necks. What happened to the concept of personal responsibility? What happened to the idea of going to the authorities and making a comment, suggestion or complaint rather than sit back and weep after the event?

If you see the doors of the CFA open then take the opportunity to ask questions, better still ask them how you might be able to help in the event of a major bushfire.

For the lazy buggers here is some information for you. Free. You don't even have to get off your backside.

There are three primary things you must have in mind. Preparing your property and your house according to Fire Authority recommendations and a couple of action plans. I have one primary plan called 'Window Shopping' which entails me heading off into Ballarat for the day and a secondary plan called 'Go For A Swim In The Dam'. I also have my own 1030 plan. 10 Minutes to cover 30 Kilometres,

When I put on my Marketing Guru Hat I come up with another 'bright spark' idea for a

FIRE SALE DAY

People love nothing better than a bargain or a party. Your entire town could have a plan when a bushfire might just upset your day. It might just be a good idea if the whole town got together in one safe spot, clear of the danger, which will give the CFA a clearer run around the fire area unhampered by meandering humans.

Bring the dog, bring the cat, the horse, the goat, for heavens sake you could even bring the children.

No need to lay in food for the duration ready-meals and take-away food would be readily available, those who were thirsty could drink, local charities could set up Clothing Stalls in case you arrived clad only in a negligee.

Our small businesses could offer specials for the day. Torches, Fire-blankets, Extinguishers, BBQ supplies, Marshmallows, Petrol and Matches.

The only thing you need to take from home would be your valuables, irreplaceable family stuff and your wallet. Which brings to mind the fact that the local Constabulary would need to boost it's numbers for a few of them to patrol the outskirts of town for stragglers, sightseers, strangers and stealers.

How long since you just wandered around town and chatted with people? A Fire Sale Day would be your ideal opportunity.

And that brings me back to where I started. You can run from a fire but it is almost impossible to hide from it. So come out from behind your lace curtains, leave the animals free to escape from the fire if need be ( they're not as stupid as us.) Encourage your neighbour to come with you, bring your iPod, bring your Iphone and bring your iBackside.

meu aunty e a cumquot BUTCH

ECONOMIC SAVINGS WITH THE TRUTH

In this story I would like to present my interpretation of how I see things going with a Government that speaks with forked tongues.

In a discussion with another party the subject rose of what possible directions the social welfare sector might take over the next twenty-five years. Despite the fact that my bodily person will not be around I can assure you that my spiritual one will, most likely be taking vengeance on all those that pissed me off from the day I was born.

One of the problems I see with our society is our elected officials who make ridiculous claims about representing us in Parliament, and then toe the party line despite what their constituents have asked them to do.

Often they use the catch-cry of ‘in the public interest’, which is an antithetical statement. How can things being kept secret be in our best interest? Or as Sir Humphrey would put it ‘better not to know’.

What is it better not to know when it comes to the welfare sector? That there is a wall of protection against high-level paedophiles going all the way to the top levels of Government? That even our Church and Judiciary include the occasional little kiddy-fiddler? That welfare is going to be completely privatised? That adolescence is something we must not let take its own course? Those who do well rise to the top, those that survive become customer service officers at fast food outlets, those that fail end in jail?

Countless millions of taxpayers dollars are spent covering things up or avoiding them being available under the Freedom of Information Act. The amount of black ink expended whilst expunging must be absolutely critical to the survival of the felt pen industry.

Often wondered why folio numbering is done in pencil? One of the first rules of government is to make sure that your butt is covered, if its not then ensure that steps are taken to have some iron underpants fitted or, like memories, evidence is conveniently forgotten or accidentally shredded.

How much of our taxpayers money must be wasted propping up the company fortunes of friends and relatives so they can make profits? I believe they are called Tax Incentives, Foreign Investment Regulations, Industry Policy or Research and Development Grants.

The idea behind this is to entice or to keep business in Australia for the purpose of employment. This provides foreign owned companies with the great excuse of using unemployment as a good reason to gain benefits from the taxpayer’s wallet. I do not believe that they are so altruistic as to do it for Australia.

Large corporations have one aim and that is to make profits for their shareholders many of whom are members of the government and its servants. Remember Nick Greiner? One of the private expressway companies took Nick onto the Board after his stint as Premier and with him went the newly retired Head of the Main Roads Department. Is this jobs for the boys? Recently of course Nick used his political experience to stab Coles in the back and set up his own Internet Retailing Company more than likely using the expertise, contacts and knowledge he gained from Coles-Myer. And look at what eventually happened to Coles.

Bobby Hawke got a short stint with Kerry Packer until it was realised that he was a hopeless International Reporter, but not until after several lovely trips overseas. What arrangements are being made by Politicians and Heads of Departments at both State and Federal level for their retirement benefits at the cost of the public purse .

The 2001 Re-enactment of Federal Parliament in Melbourne cost us $4 million for 40 minutes of parliament in which nothing was discussed, 60 minutes of lunch and 120 minutes of Aussie Rules. I hope they enjoyed themselves. Federation, the celebration of a nation, seemed to revolve around activities to which only politicians, government officials and their staff, families and friends were eligible for an invitation.

They can afford to indulge themselves but cannot afford to truly represent their Constituents. They can tell President Shrub all about Australia and its political direction but cannot tell Mable Sopworthy of Mount Pleasant even the time of day.

They paint us as fools, ignoring at their peril the end result of such arrogance. The welfare sector is comprised of well meaning, honest, hard working citizens and if they don’t take them into their confidence we may as well follow all the other businesses and move offshore too.

We have one consolation. That in 30 years time some government files will be opened and we may all learn the truth. By then will they use the present popular excuse about it not happening on their watch?