TONY ABBOTT DOES IT AGAIN

GARDENING WITH MUGGELS 1

The foremost guide to growing Muggles. Brought together after vast research into the field of MUGGLE CULTIVATION. It is designed to help Lintonians create a greener future.

We would like to thank the good people at 'The Hanging Gardens Of Linton' for their sage advise about sage and muggle. We would especially like to thank their 'Gardening Guru' Master Bates for his even handed expertise.

The Astonisher has been advised that it is wrong to publish anything that might cause offence but as we have no fence we believe that this material is alright to publish. We would however like to issue a warning to our readers that we will write this once and only once and after a few minutes due to the deteriorating state of our mind will have forgotten what we wrote anyway.

The Beginners Guide to a spiritual experience:

It is true that gardening is a spiritual experience..

Seeds should always be kept in dry, airtight containers and when planted should be positioned pointy end up and about 1cm deep.

It is apparent that a plant is a male when you notice pollen balls, and a plant is a female when you notice the seed has a pair of breasts. It has also been said that by soaking your seeds in a glass of water overnight prior to sowing them that this will speed up and in fact help the germinating process. Note that this method only applies to plants.

Germination:

We believe the best way to germinate seeds is to use jiffy pots. They have about a 90% success rate . The most effective is to keep the Jiffies warm but damp at all times with adequate light. Muggles are best grown outdoors but grow-lights may suffice if you live in a caravan. If this is done right they should pop their little heads up above the surface within a fortnight.

Once the baby leaves have opened up it is time for the seedling to go into a new bed so shared accommodation is probably a good option. If you don't have a good bed to spare then a larger pot is all you need. A pot of about 25cm is good for starters but like all plants the taller they grow the more heavy their heads get and a tendency to fall over just like a two month old baby. And that is probably about the time it should spend in this size pot. Any longer than this and the little muggles will become root bound and this will hinder their growth (we assume you will be growing just enough plants to use in your own home)

If you are in a caravan, granny flat or hotel room you might like to keep your plants in a state of readiness for relocation and so an alternative which is quite effective and more mobile is by using cotton wool and water for the initial growing process at least. All you have to do is to duplicate your child's Botany Project from school, get a saucer and spread cotton wool over it and soak it in water. Once you have drained off the excess water then add your seed/s, providing that you keep them moist and warm (something akin to your groin on a hot day) you will have a reasonable success rate.

On choosing this method you should plant the seed as as shown when it's tap root becomes visible. We believe also that when planting seedlings in bed that you ensure unsoiled soil is used.

Jiffy Pots:

According to 'Fauna Kate' our resident vines and animal trainer it will take less brains than a Garden Gnome to set the pots up properly. Simply soak them in water for a little while and they will be ready to use. We even supply you with a drawing to help. Actually they do not look like real pots but expand from a thin Drafts piece into a large Tampon.

Recommended Soils and Fertilisers:

As mentioned in germination, we believe it to be a must to use unsullied soils. You can bolster them up by adding two parts potting mix and one part peat moss. This recipe will be good for the plant from the seedling stage where you need soft and fluffy right through to full maturity where they will need something solid to root in.

Keeping your plants continually fertilised is an important part in growing strong and potent healthy plants. There are many fertilisers readily available to the general pubic without prescription and our research has shown that the most effective are fish emulsion, chicken manure and dynamic lifter.

The best way to effective administer fertilisers correctly, would be to start off using the fish emulsion (a combination of dead fish (of course) and their floatings (also known as droppings.) You can do this when the plant is about 2 weeks old, and continue to use it up until the plant is about 6 weeks old.

Fish Emulsion is water soluble and safe to use as 4 caps full to about 8 litres of water (1 cap for each empty 2L bottle of Pepsi Max) and use this formula every time.

Once your muggles have reached the 6 week old stage it is suggested you stop using fish and graduate to chickens. Their manure should be used right up until the plants mature and start to show their first little buds. Chicken manure, by the time you are ready to use it, should see your little muggles in bigger pots or even in pot bags (not bags of pot) if you need to keep mobile. We recommend no more than about 2 small handfuls of chicken manure sprinkled around the edge of the pot or watering circle about once every three weeks. If you don't like handling manure then use gloves or somebody else's hand. With both fish emulsion and the chicken manure, one should avoid it coming into contact with the foliage and the chicken manure should also be kept away from the base of the plant. It is important to fertilise your plants so we need to continue to talk shit.

From the point where the plant is 6 weeks old use only dynamic lifter until the lifting process has ceased and you begin using your reward for all the hard and as yet unseen work you have done to get your muggles to this point. Dynamic Lifter, unlike its counterpart (chicken shit) is a slow release fertiliser. It has been recommended that dynamic lifter should be used while the plant is maturing because its slow process basically allows you to apply as much as you want (within reason) without worrying about it burning your plant/s.

Note: If you comer across any little chicken shit that causes a problem in distributing your muggles to friends or neighbours you will need to take evasive action to avoid any damage to the foliage. A hardy product marketed under the trade name 'Bunch of Fives' is bound to slow the problem down.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

HYMNS FOR THE GARDEN by Kerry Vann

Featuring the hit musical ROCKERY OF AGES

CLIVE PALMER

RADIATION SICKNESS

CURSE OF THE PHANTOM FANS TO HIT GOLDEN PAINS

It’s time to panic everyone. Start digging bomb shelters or placing concrete lids over your dams. The end of the world as Linton knows it is about to end. So that’s what they are trying to tell us. Who are they? ‘WESTERN PLAINS COMMUNITY GUARDIANS’ that’s who. P.O Box 55 - Skipton. No address and no phone number. Yes, just when you thought National Socialism was dead, the Greens had discovered sanity and the Progress Association was no longer a threat to the town we have the incarnation of yet another ‘We’re better than you’ collection of nutters.

Late last year they sent out a circular to all properties that read like a Council Health Warning. In it, they claim, is information about how we are all going to fall down sick and possibly go mad. Aye!! It’s the dreaded Windmill Monsters coming to get us. There may be some perverse truth in what a few paragraphs say but in the main the pamphlet could not even be described as a bunch of cobblers.

The bigger the wind turbine the bigger the effect on your health, this would suggest we toss out all house fans and employ someone to blow on us. It’s a bit of a relief to know that only 30% of your family is going to fall sick, that’s better than death which is a 100% certainty. They claim that the Victorian Department of Health will not give them any details of who is sick already. The government is actually right for once. Nobody has any mandate to pry into the private life of patients in the public health system.

They claim that so many people are already sick that Origin Energy is attempting to sell Stockyard Hill to the Chinese. As if that would make any difference? The Chinese don’t have to pay into Medicare? So! Why should they? Taking the hill back to China, along with all the sick people will be a pretty big job but at least they’ll be able to blow themselves to Beijing.

Towards the end of the list of claims this nut factory, probably with only three members, tells us the effects of the wind industry has a global effect which has been documented for decades. Turbines have not been with us for decades but the wind industry, created by the rotation of the earth, has a lot to answer for. Maybe this trio should just leave the planet on the same alien ships they arrived on.

Your health can be effected by these wind turbines even if they are ten kilometres away. Whose pulling what you guys? Ten kilometres over hills and dales. Some small strategic atomic explosions don’t even go that far. These ‘guardians’ did not mention the dizzying effect on birds that cling for their life on the blades.

They conclude by saying we should not accept this situation in your community. ‘Learn more and protect your future.’

What we can do is either learn more about this idiotic group and the effect they have on the community. The Astonisher believes that this factual information is about as genuine and plausible as mobile phones blowing up service stations, Witches are made of wood because they float on water or people believing some of the shit they read here.

Cher Noble

POOR DOG (OR IS HE ?)

I’m not sure whether we should ever dare to under-estimate the intelligence of dogs. Maybe if our politicians took some notice of them we might have more sensible laws than ever emanated from the Federal Department of Stupidity.

For a brief moment let us just float off into the realms of fantasy and try to imagine, as they sit there looking fondly into our eyes, what these mutts are really thinking.

Dogs do have a stupid side just like we humans. Take for example the day that I installed a Doggie Door. It was this occasion that made me believe that maybe he was a little dyslectic. At first he was happy to enter and exit through the flap and all was good in the world.. However after a couple of days I attached a sign found in the shed which read ‘Beware Of The Dog’.

Well … it seems I had put the non-existent cat in amongst the non-existent pigeons for after that attachment he stood back trembling and unable to use it. Asking him what was wrong his reply surprised me.

“I’m not going in there” he said, “that sign says beware of the God.”

“Don’t be silly”, I said, “that word is Dog”

“I don’t care, even if it’s a dog do you think I’’m going through that flap to be mauled?”

The dog also seems to worry about where he is going whenever we drive away from home he whimpers and whinges and drools constantly all over the dashboard of the car. However, when driving back home he curls up on the passenger seat or his fluffy pillow behind the passengers seat and drifts to wherever dogs drift off to.

While Peppie is out of the room, probably for a poop, I might mention that the poor thing has such a low image of himself and a self-esteem that is almost non-existent, he worries like mad every time I leave the room, he wants to be my constant companion and seems to find great pleasure in nuzzling up against my bag of nuts when he sits with me on the lounge watching ‘Wibbly Pig’.

He will not leave me alone it’s like living with an obsessive compulsive body hugger, and the eyes, the bloody eyes, they constantly follow you around the room either looking sad and depressed as if contemplating suicide or bright and happy as if he just found an endless tube of bone marrow.

Medically speaking dogs must have extremely acidic tummies almost capable of dissolving rocks. He can gnaw down a bone the size of a steers leg to swallowing size in one sitting but it doesn’t come back out that way. I seem to expect that he should be grimacing in pain trying to pass a sheeps shank out his anus in the same condition it went in.

I noticed too that he can be a tad jealous at times if he thinks his position might be being usurped. The day I brought home my first two goats, Mum Donna Kebab and her son Shish, Peppie was eager to hop up into the tray of the ute so I allowed him in. Immediately he was up and mounting Donna to show her who was the boss around here. I separated them and put the goats in the small yard for quarantine.

The next morning, after he realized that the goats did not sleep in the house he was content to let them be. He’s good with the goats although there is the occasional brief confrontation between them over some misunderstanding in the yard. Usually while Peppie is playing marbles with their droppings.

As an aside, I advise readers not to purchase goats from anyone down a Teesdale. The first morning in quarantine showed every indication of a massive infestation of worms in their guts to the point where four week old Shish was a close to karking it just as I am preparing to let them loose.

A good drench a week apart and they are fine again. However I do believe that the impossibly slow growth of Shish was caused by these worms. After six months he is little bigger than when I first brought him to Godfrey Zone.

Since becoming the foster parent of a whippet there are a number of things I have noticed about dogs.

Unlike Alpacas they know when to come in out of the rain just like we humans.

To smell like as Fox you roll in their shit and then come and sit on the Lounge. Fox Poo is particularly nasty.

They know how not to do things for themselves. Even though he has a doggie door I still find I am occasionally opening the whole door for him.

If humans really are at the top of the evolutionary tree how come it’s us who have to pick up their poo.

Dogs know how to give you ‘the eyes’’, little wonder we always run out of the best biscuits.

“Alright but this is the last bickie!””

Yes - Dogs are sometimes smarter than us.

“ I don’t sleep in your bed why do you try to sleep in mine”

I suppose I should sum up this story with a couple more short tales. I have already mentioned that he seems a little dyslectic and I’m sure he’s trying to tell me he has Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, he has difficulty concentrating on the television even when ‘Wilfred’ is on and seems he is overly worried about the fact he might get Procrastinate Cancer if I don’t keep providing him with big bones.

He is presently on a diet having topped twenty kilo’s from his normal sixteen and seems to dislike me calling him Lardarse and claiming he is just big boned. His weight gain was more than likely being brought on by the fact that he had recently lost a couple of gonads somewhere in Ballarat. What a day that was, the moment he realized he was about to lose them he went off like a bloody Catherine Wheel that had fallen off its stick and his tail grabbed at every stick of furniture between the front door and the sleeping theatre.

When asked by his girlfriend Diva where they had gone he claimed that he had hit his head, got percussion and they had just fallen off so as to avoid admitting he had been taken advantage of.