CLIVE IS IN THE HOUSE?

GARDENING WITH MUGGLES 2

GARDENS AND PRUNES

Whether Muggle or Hagrid the process of pruning is much the same. At Dumbledore our property near Snake Valley we have been propagating the finest plants of any Hippie Garden undetected by the experts for a decade now. We are not publicity hounds and don't even have a sign on our fence. We rely on words of mouth to provide both keen gardeners and their admirers with all the enjoyment they need.

Pruning is generally done to create more yield off your plants, producing more fruit or nuts or buds, or to limit the size of the plant to fit the area in which you grow it. As a weed it can grow a little too prolific and will have every dickhead and dunce between here and Ballarat out looking for more dopes. S pruning becomes a necessity rather than a way of restricting production.

There are several methods of pruning but the most commonly used method would be stem tip removal. We have personally seen what we call 'panic pruning' occur more often than is necessary. This is a method whereby pruning is the rather drastic affair of pulling the whole plant out by its roots, something outside authorities seem to prefer, and getting rid of it either by the authorised version of incineration under Police supervision or by a quick dispersal sale at the back of Sebastapol High.

The tip removal process is achieved by simply removing the tips of the plant. (a.k.a 'Duh') and by doing this the plant effectively creates two new growing tips just below where you removed the original tip. Obviously good pruning by this method not only thickens the bush but doubles its cropping potential. This method is often used where the chances of having your crop decimated by disease or discovery is very low. Although effective we believe there is a superior method to creating more yield which I will explain under Maximising Your Crop.

I think this method of pruning is good for limiting the size of your plants, and thus better for indoor and hydroponic fanatics, more so than increasing your yield. The way you can limit the size of your plant/s is by tipping the arms at their desired lengths.

If your plants head off early enough in the season, meaning there is still a couple of months of summer remaining, it is good to prune your plants by cutting the larger buds off and putting them away for a rainy day. Once you have pruned the plants back it is good to start off by giving them a good feed of lifter and a nice big drink. An alternative is to distribute your excess crop along with a good stiff drink. Over the next couple of months it will be a very heady time as the plants will give head again and create even more yield.

Note: The Linton C.F.A Fire Restriction Period is almost equivalent to the Hagrid and Muggles growing season. This has the advantage of your crop not being 'incinerated in situ' but the disadvantage of being secretly admired by aircraft keeping their eyes out for bushfires.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

IT'S THYME - by the author Seymour Cumming

The story of Kerr's Cur

TONY ABBOTT DOES IT AGAIN

GARDENING WITH MUGGELS 1

The foremost guide to growing Muggles. Brought together after vast research into the field of MUGGLE CULTIVATION. It is designed to help Lintonians create a greener future.

We would like to thank the good people at 'The Hanging Gardens Of Linton' for their sage advise about sage and muggle. We would especially like to thank their 'Gardening Guru' Master Bates for his even handed expertise.

The Astonisher has been advised that it is wrong to publish anything that might cause offence but as we have no fence we believe that this material is alright to publish. We would however like to issue a warning to our readers that we will write this once and only once and after a few minutes due to the deteriorating state of our mind will have forgotten what we wrote anyway.

The Beginners Guide to a spiritual experience:

It is true that gardening is a spiritual experience..

Seeds should always be kept in dry, airtight containers and when planted should be positioned pointy end up and about 1cm deep.

It is apparent that a plant is a male when you notice pollen balls, and a plant is a female when you notice the seed has a pair of breasts. It has also been said that by soaking your seeds in a glass of water overnight prior to sowing them that this will speed up and in fact help the germinating process. Note that this method only applies to plants.

Germination:

We believe the best way to germinate seeds is to use jiffy pots. They have about a 90% success rate . The most effective is to keep the Jiffies warm but damp at all times with adequate light. Muggles are best grown outdoors but grow-lights may suffice if you live in a caravan. If this is done right they should pop their little heads up above the surface within a fortnight.

Once the baby leaves have opened up it is time for the seedling to go into a new bed so shared accommodation is probably a good option. If you don't have a good bed to spare then a larger pot is all you need. A pot of about 25cm is good for starters but like all plants the taller they grow the more heavy their heads get and a tendency to fall over just like a two month old baby. And that is probably about the time it should spend in this size pot. Any longer than this and the little muggles will become root bound and this will hinder their growth (we assume you will be growing just enough plants to use in your own home)

If you are in a caravan, granny flat or hotel room you might like to keep your plants in a state of readiness for relocation and so an alternative which is quite effective and more mobile is by using cotton wool and water for the initial growing process at least. All you have to do is to duplicate your child's Botany Project from school, get a saucer and spread cotton wool over it and soak it in water. Once you have drained off the excess water then add your seed/s, providing that you keep them moist and warm (something akin to your groin on a hot day) you will have a reasonable success rate.

On choosing this method you should plant the seed as as shown when it's tap root becomes visible. We believe also that when planting seedlings in bed that you ensure unsoiled soil is used.

Jiffy Pots:

According to 'Fauna Kate' our resident vines and animal trainer it will take less brains than a Garden Gnome to set the pots up properly. Simply soak them in water for a little while and they will be ready to use. We even supply you with a drawing to help. Actually they do not look like real pots but expand from a thin Drafts piece into a large Tampon.

Recommended Soils and Fertilisers:

As mentioned in germination, we believe it to be a must to use unsullied soils. You can bolster them up by adding two parts potting mix and one part peat moss. This recipe will be good for the plant from the seedling stage where you need soft and fluffy right through to full maturity where they will need something solid to root in.

Keeping your plants continually fertilised is an important part in growing strong and potent healthy plants. There are many fertilisers readily available to the general pubic without prescription and our research has shown that the most effective are fish emulsion, chicken manure and dynamic lifter.

The best way to effective administer fertilisers correctly, would be to start off using the fish emulsion (a combination of dead fish (of course) and their floatings (also known as droppings.) You can do this when the plant is about 2 weeks old, and continue to use it up until the plant is about 6 weeks old.

Fish Emulsion is water soluble and safe to use as 4 caps full to about 8 litres of water (1 cap for each empty 2L bottle of Pepsi Max) and use this formula every time.

Once your muggles have reached the 6 week old stage it is suggested you stop using fish and graduate to chickens. Their manure should be used right up until the plants mature and start to show their first little buds. Chicken manure, by the time you are ready to use it, should see your little muggles in bigger pots or even in pot bags (not bags of pot) if you need to keep mobile. We recommend no more than about 2 small handfuls of chicken manure sprinkled around the edge of the pot or watering circle about once every three weeks. If you don't like handling manure then use gloves or somebody else's hand. With both fish emulsion and the chicken manure, one should avoid it coming into contact with the foliage and the chicken manure should also be kept away from the base of the plant. It is important to fertilise your plants so we need to continue to talk shit.

From the point where the plant is 6 weeks old use only dynamic lifter until the lifting process has ceased and you begin using your reward for all the hard and as yet unseen work you have done to get your muggles to this point. Dynamic Lifter, unlike its counterpart (chicken shit) is a slow release fertiliser. It has been recommended that dynamic lifter should be used while the plant is maturing because its slow process basically allows you to apply as much as you want (within reason) without worrying about it burning your plant/s.

Note: If you comer across any little chicken shit that causes a problem in distributing your muggles to friends or neighbours you will need to take evasive action to avoid any damage to the foliage. A hardy product marketed under the trade name 'Bunch of Fives' is bound to slow the problem down.

Other publications in the Linton Hanging Garden Series.

HYMNS FOR THE GARDEN by Kerry Vann

Featuring the hit musical ROCKERY OF AGES

CLIVE PALMER

RADIATION SICKNESS

CURSE OF THE PHANTOM FANS TO HIT GOLDEN PAINS

It’s time to panic everyone. Start digging bomb shelters or placing concrete lids over your dams. The end of the world as Linton knows it is about to end. So that’s what they are trying to tell us. Who are they? ‘WESTERN PLAINS COMMUNITY GUARDIANS’ that’s who. P.O Box 55 - Skipton. No address and no phone number. Yes, just when you thought National Socialism was dead, the Greens had discovered sanity and the Progress Association was no longer a threat to the town we have the incarnation of yet another ‘We’re better than you’ collection of nutters.

Late last year they sent out a circular to all properties that read like a Council Health Warning. In it, they claim, is information about how we are all going to fall down sick and possibly go mad. Aye!! It’s the dreaded Windmill Monsters coming to get us. There may be some perverse truth in what a few paragraphs say but in the main the pamphlet could not even be described as a bunch of cobblers.

The bigger the wind turbine the bigger the effect on your health, this would suggest we toss out all house fans and employ someone to blow on us. It’s a bit of a relief to know that only 30% of your family is going to fall sick, that’s better than death which is a 100% certainty. They claim that the Victorian Department of Health will not give them any details of who is sick already. The government is actually right for once. Nobody has any mandate to pry into the private life of patients in the public health system.

They claim that so many people are already sick that Origin Energy is attempting to sell Stockyard Hill to the Chinese. As if that would make any difference? The Chinese don’t have to pay into Medicare? So! Why should they? Taking the hill back to China, along with all the sick people will be a pretty big job but at least they’ll be able to blow themselves to Beijing.

Towards the end of the list of claims this nut factory, probably with only three members, tells us the effects of the wind industry has a global effect which has been documented for decades. Turbines have not been with us for decades but the wind industry, created by the rotation of the earth, has a lot to answer for. Maybe this trio should just leave the planet on the same alien ships they arrived on.

Your health can be effected by these wind turbines even if they are ten kilometres away. Whose pulling what you guys? Ten kilometres over hills and dales. Some small strategic atomic explosions don’t even go that far. These ‘guardians’ did not mention the dizzying effect on birds that cling for their life on the blades.

They conclude by saying we should not accept this situation in your community. ‘Learn more and protect your future.’

What we can do is either learn more about this idiotic group and the effect they have on the community. The Astonisher believes that this factual information is about as genuine and plausible as mobile phones blowing up service stations, Witches are made of wood because they float on water or people believing some of the shit they read here.

Cher Noble