HUGE SURGE IN CRIME IN LINTON DISTRICT

Little wonder Linton has a very busy Senior Constable. Up until now he has been involved in a lot of serious crime, those sorts of crimes that can attract a court appearance. Bushrangers and cattle-duffers, people speeding in all manner of contraption and the intensive, on-going search for the flock of black sheep that used to decorate the median strip outside the hotel.

Now he has to contend with a surge in old people writing on footpaths in chalk complaining about Golden Pains, children doing illegal cartwheels and handstands, adults allowing dogs to poop in public and many other minor offences which can take up valuable time spent better detecting more dastardly crimes such as the price of electricity, children blowing out candles or nugget mining and how to keep gold prospectors out of our gardens. Now we find that he has a whole new set of laws to make us uphold.

Unrestrained dogs in cars. This is not just mutts on trucks but bitches on the back seat too. Animal rightists, people who think pets are little humans, don’t like the idea of dogs getting their thrills dangling out windows or distracting the driver by sniffing crotches. The fact that country dogs, used to the freedom of being a dog, can be just as stressed out by restraints and can be more distracting and disturbing to drivers with constant whining and barking to be let off the leash. If we are going to create a law to protect dogs in cars then we need a law to protect us from wayward pussies landing in our laps as well.

Drivers not locking their cars whilst getting fuel at the Take-Away. This is about as crazy as it gets. According to statistics there were three cars stolen in this way in 2013 which is odds of about 170 million to 1. If we created a law to protect things with odds less than that we would have even been prevented from going to the moon or putting underpants on our heads and appearing on Australia’s Got Talent.

Teenagers being left alone in vehicles. I can understand children under a certain age that are too young to get themselves out of a situation but there are such things as windows on cars that wind down and door handles to allow you to get out of the car. Children are minors, minors are anyone under the age of 18. To suggest that children older than 6 cannot leave a hot car is absolutely ludicrous. Maybe I have it wrong. Maybe it’s to prevent abusers getting to unsupervised children. If that is the case then we can’t leave children alone with adults either.

Smoking within 5 Metres of non-smokers. There is also now a move afoot by the ruling elite (vegan health workers) lobbying to ban all smoking in public places. The loss of taxation revenue by the banning of all cigarettes by governments would be absolutely devastating. It has not been considered that the very funding of health services and subsequently the treatment of all cancers is by the raising of funds from smokers.

Sometimes having these miniscule inconveniences is far better than eliminating them. Knowing the Devil sometimes has better outcomes.

WHEN THE WHOLE TOWN GOES TO SCHOOL

It is very rare that the Astonisher goes anywhere near politics, but as our local newspaper doesn't cover any local news except contributions from other groups and unedited press releases it Is up to us to fill the towns information void. This year 322 people voted in Linton down from 350 in the last election. Does this reflect the electoral boundary change or a few more casting their vote by post or as absentee in other booths? That is something we will probably never know.

First we have to have illustrations of the figures for those who prefer charts and cartoons. Despite the fact there was a significant change to the electoral boundaries the village of Linton does not appear to have shifted its preferred candidates as much as one might have expected.

According to just the Linton Booth at the school, the variations between parties were very small, the most significant change being the large group of 34 Linton voters swinging away from Ben Taylor (Liberals) and even 8 away from Geoff Howard (Labor). We believe this shows a total dislike of the two main parties and a swing to minor/micro parties.

New candidate Sonia Smith (Nationals) gained a little with 3 Linton voters moving her way, and despite the advice to her from our political correspondent, that the Nationals should 'go it alone with country-centric policies', they are getting very little out of their sleeping arrangements with the Liberals. She spent a lot of her time in the area, the only candidate that we know of, lobbying and trying to present herself as a minor rebel in the National ranks. It didn't work, despite lots of country perfume she was unable to overcome the metropolitan stench making the voters hold their nose.

The Greens seemed to have benefited from Linton wanting a new aroma picking up 11 more votes and going by their win in Melbourne CBD, populated apparently by Vegan Cyclists, could be a force to be reckoned with if they can convince country people that they are not just tree huggers. They could do that by aligning themselves closer to the Ford/Toyota Farmers than the Yodelling Hikers who freak out when their Range Rovers pick up a bit of mud.

What the results show is that there is still the same 20 people who stroll up to the school with no intention of doing any more than buying cakes rather than exercise their democratic right to put numbers in boxes. If you don't vote or are too stupid to know how to vote then you have no right to whinge and carry on about what our government is doing. We believe it’s a case of vote or shut up.

17 THINGS ABOUT THE FESTIVE SEASON

1. How about Christmas pudding. That doggy doo-doo in custard where you dropped in a coin or two in an attempt to choke Aunt Madge to death.

2. Giving sucks to receive is divine.

3. Kris Kringle surprise gifts where the recipient guesses correctly who bought the most ridiculous present they’ve ever unwrapped.

4. Xmas Crappers — crepe paper hats, childish jokes, a bang that crackles rather than booms and a plastic toy and all this for only &6.99 each. You’d do better to make one from second hand crisps packets and the core of a toilet roll.

5. Having an undisturbed nanny nap because that reporter from the bloody Astonisher has gone on holidays.

6. If Rupert Murdoch thinks he rules Great Britain then why doesn’t he sponsor the Queens Christmas Message topless on Page Three. Maybe she could do it in tandem with Marge Simpson or Dame Edna.

7.Why not surprise the little ones by leaving one of your fresh stools on the fireplace hearth, preferably coiled, and in it a little toothpick holding a little sign that reads

‘Love from Rudolph’.

8. Remember who gave you the gift before you re-wrap it and pass it on to someone else.

9. Receiving a box of Scottish Shortbread from someone you just presented with a diamond necklace.

10. Organic free-range Turkey with aristocratic forebears, privately educated and been on at least one holiday to justify paying $45.99

11. Fun should come with some sort of agreement so you can claim a re-fun-d.

12. Even our government advisors from China celebrate ‘Chris-bah-humbug-mas’. They keep suggesting that we take up taxidermy and stuff ourselves.

13. Do you get so sick and tired of the festive music that you are forced to look around the supermarket to see if you can find a bucket of wombat snot to shove your head into?

14. That the mainstream churches have failed to capiltalise on the work of Coca Cola.

15. While thinking of snot what about those little turds running down the aisle playing with their rum pum pum.

16. We should move the time of gift-giving to the day after the Post-Christmas sales.

17. The mystery (or miracle) of tinsel and lipstick on your tool.

THE BRICK

“ITS GOLD, GOLD, GOLD FOR LINTON””

Despite constant denials to the contrary the recent find of an enormous lump of gold (about 300 grands worth) in one piece at Edinburgh Reserve has prompted a surge in Detector Sales and a flurry of activity by hump-backed tourists swaying from side to side around the artificial lake.

Once the site of the Edinburgh Gold Mine, which it is said still consumes much of the rainwater running along that part of the highway, it had only a short period giving up its treasures and the mine along with its Stamping Battery closed around the early 1900’s.

Not deterred by the fact that gold became too expensive to mine for the better part of the 20th Century, the sale of the Ballarat Gold Mine to Japan has seen the value of gold ascend to record highs and made it a profitable pursuit for those willing to put in the time and effort to sell our birthright at fire sale prices. Will the recent find set off another Linton Gold Rush? We would be astonished if it did but it might put us back on the map so that even our neighbours in Ballarat can find us.

We believe that the current Gold Bubble, which is reminiscent of the famed Tulip Bubble as recently as 1637, has seen unscrupulous speculators in the precious metal move from offering to repair pensioners roofs to pawning their gold teeth. Someone will lose out and it will be those who can least afford it.