HUGE SURGE IN CRIME IN LINTON DISTRICT

Little wonder Linton has a very busy Senior Constable. Up until now he has been involved in a lot of serious crime, those sorts of crimes that can attract a court appearance. Bushrangers and cattle-duffers, people speeding in all manner of contraption and the intensive, on-going search for the flock of black sheep that used to decorate the median strip outside the hotel.

Now he has to contend with a surge in old people writing on footpaths in chalk complaining about Golden Pains, children doing illegal cartwheels and handstands, adults allowing dogs to poop in public and many other minor offences which can take up valuable time spent better detecting more dastardly crimes such as the price of electricity, children blowing out candles or nugget mining and how to keep gold prospectors out of our gardens. Now we find that he has a whole new set of laws to make us uphold.

Unrestrained dogs in cars. This is not just mutts on trucks but bitches on the back seat too. Animal rightists, people who think pets are little humans, don’t like the idea of dogs getting their thrills dangling out windows or distracting the driver by sniffing crotches. The fact that country dogs, used to the freedom of being a dog, can be just as stressed out by restraints and can be more distracting and disturbing to drivers with constant whining and barking to be let off the leash. If we are going to create a law to protect dogs in cars then we need a law to protect us from wayward pussies landing in our laps as well.

Drivers not locking their cars whilst getting fuel at the Take-Away. This is about as crazy as it gets. According to statistics there were three cars stolen in this way in 2013 which is odds of about 170 million to 1. If we created a law to protect things with odds less than that we would have even been prevented from going to the moon or putting underpants on our heads and appearing on Australia’s Got Talent.

Teenagers being left alone in vehicles. I can understand children under a certain age that are too young to get themselves out of a situation but there are such things as windows on cars that wind down and door handles to allow you to get out of the car. Children are minors, minors are anyone under the age of 18. To suggest that children older than 6 cannot leave a hot car is absolutely ludicrous. Maybe I have it wrong. Maybe it’s to prevent abusers getting to unsupervised children. If that is the case then we can’t leave children alone with adults either.

Smoking within 5 Metres of non-smokers. There is also now a move afoot by the ruling elite (vegan health workers) lobbying to ban all smoking in public places. The loss of taxation revenue by the banning of all cigarettes by governments would be absolutely devastating. It has not been considered that the very funding of health services and subsequently the treatment of all cancers is by the raising of funds from smokers.

Sometimes having these miniscule inconveniences is far better than eliminating them. Knowing the Devil sometimes has better outcomes.