CAPITALISM CANNOT ETERNALLY PROSPER

The world is still recovering very slowly, along with the dismal 5% that superannuation is paying at the moment (even banks can afford 5% on some Savings Accounts) but some of us still seem to be optimistic about the future. Maybe it’s because some pundits including myself believe that Capitalism as we know it is dead and that something else, maybe Co-operatism or Localism will take its place.

Capitalism is dead? Yes. Capitalism used to be the closest we will ever come to perpetual motion. That elusive invention that will keep going without the use of any external force. It did exist but the financial sector decided that it was not making fast or vast profits and replaced it with a thing called the Market Economy, not based on the traditional market as we know it but upon the New York Stock Exchange where imaginary money is perpetually heading into Banks. This force then evolved into a device used by all Stock Exchanges to make money from money and to force the making of widgets to become a by-product that money would buy and not what the country should produce.

Let me try to explain it in a different way. The concept of capitalism being perpetual motion came from the fact that people wanted to buy widgets to improve their life. So they got a job which paid a wage which allowed them to buy widgets. When widgets were bought they had to be replaced in the shop so more were made for selling and so it all went in circles seemingly forever. To encourage people to make improved things like iWidgets every time something was made or sold it was for a profit. This profit was also used to buy designer widgets for people with more money than you or I were earning making these things in the first place. People were even gainfully employed getting widgets going again when they broke down. And so goods, services and money went around and around, making work for people so they couldn’t sit around on their arse all day watching cooking shows, and life in the 20th Century was good and productive and everyone was happy.

Then along came the Creative Accountants. Too many widgets were being repaired and people were not consuming enough widgets. Lets invent the 5 year lifespan so every five years they will have to be replaced, then we’ll be able to make things so cheap they’ll be cheaper to replace than to repair. The chemical and oil companies kept inventing new materials they wanted us to make widgets from so they began building widgets out of things that could not be repaired at all but could be ‘recycled’. This meant that instead of repairing widgets we recycled them and so perpetual motion began to morph, not into more jobs, but into cheaper and cheaper disposable widgets. The end result of this was there were many holes in our planet that we could fill up with all this thrown-away stuff and it would smooth earth out so that it could all have a level playing field.

As a result of widgets becoming cheaper some people began to make much bigger profits and paid themselves more money than they were worth. Now these rich vagina’s wanted even more money so they could be richer than Gina Reinhardt and become a God themselves.

Eventually even the 5 year plan failed to make big enough profits Apple and Microsoft (two evil widget makers) invented the idea of ‘upgrading’ and produced new models every six months to keep us buying new things and sending the old to the recycle bin just to keep ahead of the iWidgets owned by our friends.

All this frantic activity appeared not to be duplicated in the bedroom which produced a dismal outlook for the future as busy consumers had no time to have, raise or educate children. So the Government following the advice of big business began importing more people so that our economy could grow and more money could be made. Making money was good and making more money was even more gooder.

This new economic system has not produced a level playing field but has piled all the money at one end where rich people spend it on redesigned houses and fannies while at the other end they sleep on the street in redesigned boxes and sell their fannies. This is not good. Co-operatism must be the end result, either that or we Putin everything back into a socialist state where the poor stay poor and the rich get a bullet between the eyes.

COULD AUSTRALIA BE A DEMOCRACY?

I think it was Karl Marx that said ‘Democracy does not work’, and even back a hundred years he was right. Western Democracy as we know it in Australia is as removed from the real thing as a Peoples Republic has anything to do with people. What we have in this country is nothing like democracy as it should be. As citizens:-

Do we choose our Prime Minister?

Do we frame sensible and reasonable laws?

Do we adjudicate political disputes?

Do we our set representatives pay or conditions?

Do we choose to go to war?

Can we sue the government?

Do we choose how our taxes are spent?

What is the definition of Democracy? Each sovereign state sees democracy a different way but true Democracy is ‘People Power’ it is not rule by a Dear Leader or an Ayatollah or a King.

The only way we can do anything to effect the way the country is governed is by real People Power. We don’t have to sit back and wait to be screwed, it just needs us all to act together in concert to demand the things that we believe benefit the entire community not just loudly squealing special interest groups like bloody Vegans and Non-smokers..

People Power is banding together to save the Yellow Bottomed Foot Wobbler or stopping the privatised manufacturing of our water supplies or the spurious poisoning our children with Flouride. People Power is the Franklin Dam, stopping the sale of the Snowy Mountains Scheme, and People Power is Buying Australian products.

A bank would soon change its tune if we all just walked in and closed our account. The Big Four would not last five days without us so why do we just lay still and let them screw us.

How long does it take, in these days of electronic banking, to transfer your account to another bank of your choosing. One bank is much the same as the other these days, they have a hundred ways to part you from your cash. However the thought that there might be run on them if they do wrong would certainly make them think twice. Of course those of us with mortgages at that bank would have to consider our options carefully but you can certainly threaten. There are lots of other loan sharks to choose from.

A breakdown in the banking computer system reaps millions for the banks in additional earnings on your money. Did you receive compensation last time you were wrongly stuffed by a bank?

Well I would suggest, if I were to ever have the power, that all political parties would be banned. You could have organizations of course, and parties……plenty of parties….. but no elected official should ever be in a position that they would have to listen to anyone other than the people who elected them. No party bosses or whips, no hacks and no branch stacking.

If you put both hands in the air at the same time you are either being robbed or voting in a political pre-selection ballot. Whichever they be they both be the same.

I am not one to make predictions. Not accurate ones anyway. But I will predict that by 2025 we will still be led by similar talentless incompetants that we have today. We will still not realize that it is our money coming back from China and buying out our economy.

Our children will all need to be conversant in Chinese to understand instructions from their employers.

The only loyalty Company Directors have is to each other. Patriotism amongst Chief Executive Officers is only to those who pay the biggest salary.

By 2025 the rich will still be getting richer, we will all be living in houses the size of Buckingham Palace and only small, local newspapers will still be in the journalism business.

By 2050 the Market Economy will be replaced by the rule of the Peoples Congress in Bejing and newspapers will carry headlines such as 

'MILLIONS LINE MELBOURNE STREETS TO WELCOME DEAR LEADER FROM CHINA'.

B.E.A.S.T Employment

The following positions are still available for any interested parties. If you are long-term unemployed you may be required to apply for any these positions so it is best you drop in now and apply for the best of the worst that you would prefer not to be doing.

Soft Food and Beverage Manager

Located at ‘Geriatric Land’. Will require knowledge of food blenders. Geriatric Land is located adjacent to Sovereign Hill, a fun park with a lifetime pass good for six months.

Employment Scout

Headhunter for recruitment firm seeks unemployed hookers. Extra cash can be earnt by the right young woman by also selling the ‘On Your Backtins Diet’ a low crab supplement for hookers with high protein intakes.

Security Officer

Back Doorman required by gay brothel.

Giggolo

There are several positions available for this easy lifestyle job. You will require a handsome young swimmers body and well developed muscle. The work entails visiting ladies houses while husbands are away for some light tea-bagging. The householder will provide the hot water.

Perpetually Partner.

Have you thought about becoming a perpetual mail-order bride? There are several men on our list who are not desirous of any permanent arrangements. These men are only after your body for their own pleasure and after they have had enough, which depends on how quickly you whinge, whine and fake headaches, may be quite a rapid turn-around. You may be returned as many as 20 times in as many months but each return allows you to keep his substantial dowry. You will be required to provide your own self-addressed envelope.

Flower Arranger

Local dollar store seeks an artificial flower grower with experience in genetically modified paper. Free training in higher end Origami will be provided to successful applicant.

Comic Book Artist

If you have experience in graffiti style graphics an international super-hero franchise based in Linton seeks the services of a Sound FX writer for action scenes in their world famous comic books ‘Batman and his little boy Robin’.

Qualified Auditor and Receiver

Nelson Brothers Funeral Parlour in Linton seek Certified Auditor to appraise books and advise on the most apporpriate way to wind up their company. These iconic local morticians servicing the district for over 150 years have come to the conclusion that it is a dying trade.

BUREAUSPEAK

Any bureaucratic structure, constantly on guard against being interpreted too literally, needs to develop specific words and phrases that at first sight may appear definite, on second reading may give rise to a different interpretation. This is a protective practice that shifts blame from them onto someone else if things go wrong. In legal circles this gives rise to argue a whole range of different interpretations for one word, which extends the time in court cases and in turn inflates both the egos and wallets of legal practitioners.

There is also the practice to publish documentation so wordy and couched in such legal terminology as to hide – like a needle in a haystack – important salient points – deep within the vowels and consonants. One letter or one number hidden in such a way is a method by which important changes that are unpopular or undemocratic can be slipped through un-noticed. It’s a wonderful way in which corrupt prtactices can be concealed.

Every action has a policy, rule or regulations. The Police Manual in London for example on ‘The Use Of And Maintenance Of Bicycles’ is 93 pages long. These volumes contain millions of words and most normal people are unwilling to read the entire document and as a result things get approved without due consideration or take years to process through the system. My friends at Golden Pains Shire Council are no exception, they can tie you up for three months getting aspproved for an additional wheelie bin.

From time to time we may receive a letter that contain some of these words or phrases.

Courageous - An act we don’t agree with.

Popular - Doesn’t cause too much of a stir, the opposite of which is

Unpopular - Ordinary people like the decision but not your superiors.

Team player - Does what they are told without question. The Captains always right.

Priority -It’s in the In-tray and I might get to it within three months. If it’s Top Priority then it’s at the top of the In-Tray.

Urgent -Its gone to the pending tray and might get done within the month. If it’s Very Urgent it will get done within a month.

Immediate - It’s reached the Pending Tray.

Consider - we will think about it at an appropriate time in the future

Future - if immediate it will be after your next birthday, if near it will happen before you retire, if distant it will be in the next Millennium.

Confidential - Doesn’t go any further than the lunchroom, sometimes the gents toilet cubicle.

Secret - A good word for not providing information. Top Secret nobody has the information.

Commercial in Confidence - Another way not to provide information, usually involves money.

Active - It’s on the desk somewhere.

Actively consider - Someone else has got it on his or her desk.

Matter of time - It’s filed

Filed - It will take a month to find a copy, we threw the original in the waste paper basket.

Archived - Something you’ll never hear about again in your lifetime. The Dead Sea Scrolls were the result of good archiving.

Pending - Endless cycle of inactivity.

Out-tray - Pass on to a higher authority.

Pigeonholed - Great idea for next Century.

Cross-referenced - A way of losing it in several different places.

Intending - We might think about it.

Impending - A decision is imminent.

Imminent - We thought about it but don’t know whether we should tell you.

Implications - We might be blamed.

Legal implications - We are looking for a law that prevents us from being blamed.

Supervision - Someone is watching to see if you get too close to be ethical.

Take On Board - And throw it away on the other side.

Stakeholder - Part of the problem.

Community Partner - Do what your told.

Transparency - Nobody knows its being done.

Accountability - Acquire receipts from anywhere

Counselling - Have been told how to avoid being caught again.

Compliance - Ensure that the customer jumps through the flaming hoops.

Spreading the risk - Ensure that no one person gets the blame

Flexibility - Any answer is bound to be right

Red Tape - Its been bound, gagged and shoved down in the garage.

Flagged - There’s a piece of paper sticking out of the file marking the right place.

Coffee Breaks - Where all the decisions are really made

Gone to a committee - You’ll wait 12 months.

Forming a committee - You’ll wait 3 years.

Considering a committee - Don’t hold your breath.

Consult - We’ll ask the boss.

Consulted - We asked the boss but he has to ask someone else.

Consultants - People that bosses use to create a pretty report that only says what he decided the very moment you asked him.

Meeting - Spending time discussing things not on the agenda.

Case Meeting - Convince them that we are right. Client leaves meeting knowing what you did on the weekend.

Appoint - At least one member of staff will be employed to sit at a desk with the appropriate label.

User Pays - This inevitably means you have to pay to receive a service which will include tea breaks, smoko breaks and time spent playing Solitaire on the computer. Public servants must account for every minute of their day as we taxpayers would expect. As a result tea, smoke and games get lumped together under the heading ‘Research’ and you are charged accordingly. Even complaining can attract a fee if they’re handled right.

Restructuring - a damn good way to put decisions off.

Litigation - Give us a try it’s not our money and we’ll use every bit of it to destroy you whether we’re right or wrong.

The latest and most misleading is the use of the word ‘efficient’.

It will be more efficient really means it will be so complicated nobody will try or it will cost so much nobody with any sense would be able to afford it. It might also mean employing more government staff to make things go faster, staff meetings go quicker or even that steps can be missed that might be informative to the customer. It is a wonderful word that can be misinterpreted any which way one wants and still be right.

Now you can translate the next letter from your local council.

General Counsel

Solicitor for Kebab Cross

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

Like Monty Python it is “Now for something completely different'.

When you meet a stranger, whether or not it’s across a crowded room, it is always diplomatic to ensure one does not say something that may upset them.

In a pub for instance you do not always know whether a drinker is self-employed or runs a business, a shearer or stock-broker. Rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. Rich or poor does not always show on the outside in fact one might argue whether money is a guide to how rich or poor you might be. You might run into sceptics and the paranoid, conspiracy theorists, kleptomaniacs and the argumentative, hypochondriacs or necrophiliacs. painters of houses and/or nude women. People who love condoms but hate balloons. Those that talk a lot of offal or those that eat it.

In Pubs you will find those that can eat no fat and some no lean, people who raise lamb and those who eat it, smokers and non-smokers, those that fight fires and regrettably those who start them. People who believe in God and those that don't, they who only drink cheap red wine and those that drink only Stout. Some who dress like pigs, some who are pigs and some that can't eat pigs.. They who paddy-whack and those who give a dog a bone.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that all manner of people walk around this planet, all races, creeds and beliefs. Some wear Burqa's and some throw stones at them. Some people disappear when you turn out the light, some are so white they glow in the dark. We are free to be who we want to be and how dare anyone tell me or anyone else what they should or should not be like, what political party to favour or who leads the country. If I want to be a Groucho Marxist then so be it.

One might be rich in cash or in knowledge, may be a savant or stupid, content or confused. A few glimpses or a few hours does not make one an expert in someone else capacities. Treat people without respect and they lose respect for you. If business people do not respect their shoppers then they have lost that business or at least minimised it forever. If tradesmen abuse potential customers they find their work dries up especially in small country towns.

I have never knowingly bought a News Limited paper since the downfall of Gough Whitlam, I have never bought another GE product since they would not honour a warranty back in 1968, not even one of their light globes because they had no respect for their customers or their readers. Of late I have even started a campaign to hassle the begeesus out of my local government because they lie, cheat and steal with impunity, ethical and honest public officials they are not.

Everyone knows that loyalty to a brand is paramount to a business, the secret to ongoing success. It appears to me that some businesses today believe in PT Barnum’s famous statement that ‘there is another sucker born every day’. I’ll finish with a wall poster I saw back in the days when I was trying to be a Hippy. ‘You are you and I am me – lets just leave it and not disagree.

Более следующий месяц Kebab Cross

ALI BAABAA AND THE SPIN

After what seems like light years watching funny home video shows, rude tubes and popular disasters I still have not learnt to carry a video camera with me wherever I go. I could have lined my pocket with some prize money or at the very least a few dozen hits on You Tube.

Here I was sitting at my computer in the Astonishing Office when I heard the gut-renching cry of Ali Baabaa the smallest goat in the flock. This was not unusual as every time he loses Horn Solo his body-guard in the grass that is taller than he is he can be heard screaming his little head off. What a wimp.

Anyway, on this day, I had listened to him carry on for the mandatory half-hour which is about the time that I get up off my arse and go out to point him towards the rest of his mob. Upon looking in the direction of the increasingly desperate bleating all I could see was the flock just standing around in a circle discussing what to do about Julia Gillard but no sign of Ali. The sound was coming from there so I headed off in that direction collecting several dozen flies on the way.

Upon arrival the flock parted and there, from the core of a roll of chicken wire, erupted the arse of one very unhappy Boer. Ali had managed to wriggle into the centre of the roll, probably in search of some rare greens for his Souvlaki, and once between his lips would naturally proceed to back out. Being only a kid (pun intended) he didn’t realise that his little horns would get stuck in the mesh of wire and thus well and truly lock him in position, unable to either go forward, because his arse was too big, or backward because his head was too horny and his only resort was to scream for help as loud as he could. What could he be thinking, when all of those around him were as dumb as he was and could have done nothing anyway. That was until at least one half-brain arrived, mine.

Now one might realise at this point that the only way to extricate said goat would be to unwind the wire, and the roll being 50 Metres in length would mean more than a little pushing and shoving especially when the ground it was to cover was strewn with trees, stumps and rocks and impossible to layout in a straight line. Imagine also, as I did not count them, the number of times said goat would rotate in the process of the unrolling. I would take a guess at around 50+.

The process involved revolving the wire and watching his little legs, attached to a soccer ball stomach, flop about uncontrollably. At one end he was stressed, tense and screaming and the other his legs were doing the either the Hokey-kokey or some Irish Jig and his arse shitting itself. ‘Roll, scream, roll, poop, roll, bleat, roll’ was how it went for ten long minutes over rocks, around stumps and several trees. The result was a huge ‘S’ flattening the long grass. like a bear flailing a Tuna to death.

With only two revolutions to go his carcass finally flopped out the end of the wire. Wobbling to his feet, his eyes still spinning and his tongue flapping out of the side of his mouth he looked at me, seemed to say ‘you bastard for leaving that lying around’ and sighting Horn Solo ran screaming off back to the flock which had been intently following all the action but not bothering to assist.

I went back to the office and wrote a hundred lines ‘I must carry the phone, I must take the phone’

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