DAWG GAWN

It is still within the range of reasonable memory, even for those afflicted with ‘Alzheimers’, that I was stupidly left to look after a dog. Being in charge of a vehicle, being permitted to be a sperm donor, shaving myself, all these things are easy enough for me to do. Easy enough for anyone. But to allow me to be in charge of a dog is, I admit it myself, totally irresponsible.


The first time I saw it laying in the backyard I thought it was a kids home-made toy. Four sticks glued to the four corners of a very dead and dehydrated fox. ‘Look Mum I just made myself a marionette’.

I will not go into the reasons why I ended up with this mutt but let it be known that I did. The word ’dog’ only springs to mind after consulting several dictionaries because what landed in my lap in the car was an emaciated piece of skin and bone. The only thing that denoted it was actually alive was the fact that it planted one of the wettest french kisses I’ve ever had straight onto my mouth while I tried to take my seat behind the wheel of the car.

Needless to say that this dog-shaped wall hanging, on checking with the RSPCA, was so starved that it was probably in the process of digesting its own stomach. The Inspector did not want me to return it to the owner but to surrender it there and then. It may have been a warranted move, but as this ‘thing’ did not belong to me I was hardly in a position to just give it away.

My first steps were to give it a series of suitable gifts. Protein powders, worming chews, flea treatment and soap. It’s first real meal, all previous ingestions being small healthy snacks in the car, was 400 grams of Pet Sausage the size of a can of Pineapple, which it took into its stomach in one huge gulp. It was like watching a Boa engulf a sheep.

After a few days it slowly filled out into a male ‘Whippet’ which began the attachment process by marking all around the house. This is a high-maintenance breed, which means they never ever bloody leave you alone except when attending to their own penile needs with their tongue. They lay around wherever you are and like a painting the eyes follow you around the room. If you move it moves and those ever watchful eyes are there again.

I have nothing against dogs, but I don’t want to own one. The fact that they eat at one end at shit at the other does not phase me, even little babies do that. But you can’t use hotels with a dog, taxi’s or Eclipse Ford loaners, can’t fly with a dog and most likely can’t even smoke with a dog.

More importantly Dumb and Dumber my two Alpacas stress out and carry on like two hysterical teenagers at a horror movie whenever the dog bounces outside the house.

As for the sheep they couldn’t care less. If your brain recognises an object then you run away from it. No reason, just panic. Quiet normal for them. Mine run from themselves quite often.

It was a bit different for Maxine. She had a bit of a turn at first sighting. If memory serves me right the dog was inside when Maxine came around the end of the house looking for her afternoon snack. She bleated as is usual to let me know she was there.

Before I could get to the door the piece of rope with four legs was out to see what the strange new noise was. By the time I got to the door all that was left outside was a slowly descending pall of fine dust where Max had been standing only seconds before. It was at least an hour before she hove into sight again half-a-kilometre away.

Well look at that! I’ve managed to type my way into a corner again and unable to fit any more of the story in.

It is not as good as ‘The Bold And The Beautiful’ but if you have been sucked in by this piece of fantasised non-fiction then it will be continued.

NECESSITY USED TO BE THE MOTHER OF INVENTION

Is technology keeping up with us, which is how it should be, or are we caught up in a frantic race to keep up with technology? You just have to look at the Beer Taps compared to 20 years ago.

How many young people today have ever used a card catalogue to find a book, been amused by a Zoetrope, listened to a Crystal Set, played a Gramophone, used a Typewriter or even rode on a Running Board? How often do you catch your child reading a book, or are their thumbs over-employed playing with themselves? Have they ever seen, let alone handle a Mechanical Pencil, Polaroid Camera, printed with a Gestetner or marvelled at the glowing valves in the back of the TV.

It is easy for us to see the past, it's all around us. But looking into the future isn't even within the purview of Prophets, Mystics or Fortune-tellers. (Unless of course you believe in the science-fiction of spaceships one day coming to take us all back to Theta or wherever the hell Scientologists say we humans came from).

I consulted the town Soothsayer but all they could tell me was that there would most likely be an another over-abundance of plums at Christmas. Even he now employs the use of a computerised crystal ball.

Technology has even made some people totally oblivious to the concept of civility and courteousness. Sit in a darkened theatre or a play and it will be inevitable that little fireflies begin to glow around the auditorium. That annoying little blue glow born not out of boredom but the constant need for people to keep checking if they exist.

Nobody likes me. I haven't had an SMS for five minutes. I have to see if I have email. Maybe I'll surf around for a coffee shop for the interval.

Why is it so? Why continually break our concentration or even a conversation to check if we are still 'on line' to the outside world.

I went browsing the other day for new inventions. Maybe, just maybe sometime in the future we will not be able to do without a Video Spy Pen (For perverts), Portable Luggage Scales (To argue over at the check-in), Stereo Pest Repellent for Insects that hate Country Music), Electronic Bongo Drum T-Shirt (for Keeping Hippies amused on long trips) or the Bomb Alarm Clock that explodes every morning to wake you up. A warning comes with this last one that it should not be used by War Veterans or alternatively for Terrorists who really want to die.

Annoying contraptions aside are we preparing our kids for jobs that don't yet exist to use technologies that have yet to be invented. We had better be. Our education system is still stuck back in the 'learn by rote system' instead of the get out there and experiment model.

They still sit through endless hours of what to them is a load of bollocks until later when they grow up and find they need those bollocks. Why are they not out there turning over rocks for Biology, or getting skid marks on their pants from Physics?

Is our education system able to cope with the demands that are to come? Do Teachers even think about things to come, or are they just focused on getting children through the system without too much stress on themselves and not doing too much overtime?

I’m looking forward to advances in Fountain Pens, Paper Clips, my Sextant and Vinyl Records to upgrade my office environment, and a longer phone cord. (Mine unplugs itself just after the front gate.)

By 2050 will we have high pressure Bidets, Robotic Drivers in our cars controlled by GPS and a Hotelier that tells better jokes?

'The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at time' – Abraham Lincoln

My farewell this month is in Afrikaans

Nou neuk af ….....

ARE THEY REALLY OLD MASTERS?

By Bob Le Billdeux - Arts & Entertainment Reporter

Here is something to open up that proverbial ‘Can of Worms’ while your breasting the bar thinking of something to argue about.


Who decided that William Shakespeare, the 'Bard', should be recognised as one of the greatest playwrights of all time? Why do our children still have to read, sit through and absorb books and plays that are as difficult to read and decipher as the Bible? How long since you absorbed yourself in ‘Alas and Alack’ or ‘Tis sweeter to absorb the barbs and arrows of astonishing misfortune than to win a fight with your betrothed’

Shakespeare has been re-interpreted so many times 'I cannot count the ways'. From the weird, wonderful and excruciating Orson Welles version, to the Modern Day Bell Shakespeare Company and even farcically (as in the 2003 film 'The Actors') where the play was interpreted as Nazi inspired by actors garbed as the Waffen Shultzstaffe.

How did it come about and who decided that really old paintings were by 'Masters' regardless of the real quality of the work in their 'Masterpieces’?

As Adolph was adored by Eva so the old Masters are adored by us. Or are they? Visit the Ballarat Art Gallery and you will find there as many great paintings as you would find in the Louvre, they are just not signed by the 'Old Masters' as exemplified by Paul Gauguin, Matisse and the predecessor of 'Chopper' Reid old Vincent Van Gogh.

Why do we 'oooh and aaaah' at a colourful sunset, is it genetic or did someone else 'oooh and aaaah' before us and we believed them? I believe that's the general case with Art. We are taught from birth what our parents believe, we ape them and their behaviours, until we are older enough to rebel against them to establish ourselves as individuals.

We sit in lifeless, boring classrooms and absorb whatever we are told by Teachers who just pass on what they are told. Except for the pure subjects of Maths, Language and the Sciences what we learn is only about other peoples opinions. It’s a variation on the concept that ‘history is written by the victors’.

Some people wander along to Art Galleries gussied up with Beret and Cravat for Men and Long Cigarette Holders and Black Ski Pants for Women. (Gender bending may vary the garb) It is there that they perambulate, pat and primp themselves moving from one painting to the next and admiring the angst of 'Woman With Fat Lips' or the ecstasy in the painting ' I Have A Horn For You'.

I dare tp suggest that there are no 'Old Masters' just really, really old paintings by equally old painters. Sometimes the 'Opportunity Shop' will have better paintings than what you see hanging on Gallery walls.

Either you like it or you don't. As the Philosopher Robert Ingersoll put it 'Art comes from inside, it is oneself', anything else is just a Daguerreotype.

Art is what you see and what you feel emotionally, what turns you on, saddens or elates you, makes you want to cry out 'I Love Life'. Art is not what some prancing and preening poonce in Paris tells you it is.

Next time you visit the Ballarat Fine Art Gallery, and I highly recommend you do, then you can decide for yourself whether the ‘Red Dot with Pubic Hair’ is either Hit or Shit.

Note: Robert Ingersoll 1833-1899 Born in New York. His father, John Ingersoll, was an abolitionist-leaning Presbyterian preacher, whose radical views forced his family to move frequently. Became Anti-religionist and anti-Monarchist, Lawyer, Colonel in the Union Army and one of the founders of the Free Thinking Society. I am not too keen on the fact that their symbol is a Pansy.

TOWN TO BECOME TOURIST TRAP

From Butch - The Marketing Guru

The second ‘Tourism Essentials’ meeting was held in the Blue Room on Wednesday 20th.

A larger attendance than before (from 7 to 10) proved the towns interest in the subject matter. With 356 residents which is just under the number of days in the year that meant that 2.8% of Townies were interested. With that many people working hard for the community we can do nothing but succeed at getting nowhere.

Maybe there was not enough publicity. This paper snuck in through the back door after a tip off by the Grocer Shop.

There was a lot discussed but some good ideas were put forward in the end. Keep your eye on the Woady Yaloak Herald for the main stories and ideas. But here are a couple of the better ones:

There was a suggestion we construct a giant Water Fountain outside the Take-away. One idea was it be a dog cocking it’s leg over the Rotunda another was a huge Ewe relieving itself which, if there is enough water available, could double as a Free Car-Wash.

Of course there is always someone worried about the type of people the town would attract. Do we really want geriatric hoons from Ballarat or bikers from Bunningyong.

Finally it was suggested that we install  X-ray machines like they have at airports for the entry into each business and the hotel. Of course the device would also need to include a Colour Card to identify the persons race.

Redheads and Albino’s be warned.

 

 

BURNING OURSELVES

When the Avenue of Honour was refurbished in Linton it was disappointing in the least that the names of those honoured by each of the trees had been removed some time ago and put into storage. They were never to be seen again but are still on the wanted list of Great War artefacts.


This puts into context the need for Local Historical Societies. Maybe you are not interested right at this time but it is fascinating what these places have stored away especially in facts about local history and many families genealogical information.

The contents of the various storerooms and display areas have either been found in-situ or have been donated. As well as being repositories for a wealth of history, much of it in little tit-bits and snippets, volunteers toil to gradually piece it all together. The Societies also preserve the bricks and mortar of our past and the objects housed within them at some time over the last couple of centuries.

Linton’s Society Offices are housed in what used to be Nelson Brothers Funeral Parlour reconstructed in 1986, and are officially a 'Place of Temporary Deposit' for the Victorian Government.

Next door is the Linton Free Library. Originally built as a Mechanics Institute in 1874. Described as architecturally significant as one of the most humble examples of a Mechanics Institute and Free Library it's interior is remarkably intact with the original furnishings. Its collection of books, photographs and memorabilia is very rare and probably the best surviving of a small library in Victoria.

The moral of this story is that instead of the traditional 44 Gallon Drum in the backyard for burning all the deceased relatives seemingly unloved belongings – which sadly seems to be the state of play at the moment – any items which might be of interest to someone including photographs of people and places, old books (especially if they came from the Linton Library – there will be no overdue charge on their return) personal keepsakes such as medals, trophies and awards to individuals or groups should not be destroyed but sent on to your nearest relevant Historical Society. You would be astonished to realise how valuable old records can be.

If you're not lucky enough to be a Lintonian or a Happy Vallium then seek out your nearest historical society before everything goes up in flames.

SHIRE HAS NO SAFE PLACE?

The news last month that Golden Plains Shire has no ‘SAFE PLACE” is an admission that our Bushfire Preparedness is again falling short of the desirable. However, our legislators do face the unenviable task of choosing where that Safe Place should be. Does each town get one, or are they shared and what is a safe place anyway?


They describe these locations as a Neighbourhood Safe Place or Places of Last Resort. If you do go to a safe place and the fire comes and burns your feet can you sue Council for compensation?

Maybe we are legislating ourselves into a dangerous position. Whatever we do the Ambulance Chasers (read Compensation Lawyers) will find some way of getting their hands on taxpayers money via the injured party and the cost of the conflagration soars well past what would be reasonable at the worst of times. Maybe we could astonish you with the fact that each and every one of us is responsible for our own safety and suggest that Safe Places might just be a waste of time and money.

If we read the literature, and there is enough of that around for Pyromaniacs to party, keep our own property as Fire Safe as practical and keep our ears open for the warnings then we should all have our own Safe Place to go.

Outside the CFA building or close to it would, I expect, be considered a Safe Place but one has to keep out of their way so that that can operate effectively. Maybe inside the Pub might be an even safer place. It would certainly solve the problem of food and drink in a time of crisis, and being a brick building would not be an attractive target for flying embers.

What has happened to personal responsibility in our community? Have we devolved our lives to the point where we let somebody else take the responsibility for our actions? Maybe this is why lawyers are the ones who make the laws, enact the laws and prosecute the laws and generally to their own financial advantage.

On another note concerning the new fire warnings. Why do they have to become more complicated. One can just imagine the public servant in charge of the design of the new system working out how to make things more complicated rather than simplifying it for the ordinary public. There could be more steps than the 39 in John Buchan’s book and just as exhausting understanding them all. I expect soon to see the new signs go from Extreme, to Catastrophic to Astonishing.

THE CAMEL THAT BROKE THE STRAWS BACK

This is the article which set off all the kafuffle with the Linton News.

They rang the Woady Yaloak Herald and the gutless, spinless and brainless mob there pulled the column.

Imagine Rupert Murdock ringing James Packer and telling hi, to withdraw a story.

WHAT A BLOODY HIDE ...................

Anyway the Linton Ewes is on the way out.

The publication has become so mundane that it prints only Press releases sent in by other organisations.

Even the Progress Association is trading 'insolvent'.

Anyway this is one of the few remaining stoires before I set up a new page for

'THE LINTON ASTONISHER'.

This new paper has already set a cat amongst the pigeons.

TOWN TO BECOME TOURIST TRAP

This reporter is a syndicated columnist and would like to let people know that part of this particular story originated in 'The Linton Astonisher'.


Over the last several months Golden Plains Council have instigated a series of meetings about 'How To Attract Tourists To Our Town”. They've been getting their heads together here and there with residents and organisations to come up with ideas of how we might attract tourists and visitors to our little towns. Several meetings were held and many ideas positive and practical were put forward in brainstorms. You could almost hear the air crackle with excitement over some of the more silly ideas.

These signs of course would have place names changed to protect the innocent. But lets look at some of the better ideas that flew around the table at the Linton meeting.

An idea that we construct a giant Water Fountain outside the Take-away. One suggestion was it be a dog cocking it’s leg over the Rotunda another was that as we were in sheep country that it be a huge ewe having a polite pee which, if there is enough water available, could double as a Free Drive-Through Car-Wash.

Of course there is always someone worried about the type of people the town would attract. Do we really want geriatric Trailer Trash or Bikers from Bunningyong.

Someone from Happy Valley suggested that we re-forest a property with trees that form a ginormous four-letter word that could be seen from space. People examining 'Google Earth' would be attracted to the town and the property to ask 'Why is it so?”

Public seating was a good suggestion. We could recycle the dozens of second-hand seats secreted away by Council and place them outside every business in the town. They might even do it free of charge considering how much shop-keepers pay in rates. With the majority of Townies being in the 50-69 age group it will not be many years before shoppers would have to sit down every 25 metres or so and have a 20 minute chat to themselves.

Five suggested sights were outside the Grocer Shop, the Post Office, Pioneer Memorial, the War Memorial on the Avenue of Honour and the Hairdressers, they being places a lot of gabbing goes on. The stupid idea that they (old people) could be also used to inflate hot air balloons was quickly dismissed.

A brilliant suggestion was that we install Coin-operated Power Outlets on various posts around town so that Grey Nomads could plug themselves in for the night. Naturally only level ground would be suitable.

Another suggested the same thing could be done near the Recreation Reserve with suitable toilets and showers. The City of Goulburn in NSW once boasted that it had the most modern dunnies in Australia so they would attract people to drive through town instead of the highway by-pass. We are not sure how many people had to go and see someone about a dog as a result of that.

It was added that there are not that many Caravan Parks that allow pets like Dogs, Horses, Sheep or Giraffes so we could construct special cages (possibly recycled from Guantanamo Bay) to house pets and other things overnight.

There was a couple of half-hearted attempts to involve GP Council such as the suggestion they maintain the roads better. The pothole in Standpipe Road might be a deterrent to tourists.

With only the Cemetery Trust and Two Businesses represented (the Progress Association doesn't count) the turn out for meetings was pretty poor. I was only there because I'm a bloody stickybeak. Just as an aside if you look at a map of Linton it appears that the Cemetery is as large as the town itself. Is there a significance in this? Could it be used to attract tourists who have already passed on but would like a better view?

So I have taken on the task of coming up with some ideas of my own to put to you, the people of Woady Yaloak, to either praise or mock. Some of us sheep think that you humans shouldn't have it all to yourself when it comes to the thinking up of things.

Folgenderer Monat, Butch

I thought that I might put in a picture of the Executive of the Linton and District Progress Association as illegally elected.