EVER-LASTING KNOB STOPPERS

At the rate that medical science is advancing and keeping us healthier for longer it will not be too far-fetched to say that we may be able to live twice as long as we do now. In your opinion is this a good thing or should we just let nature take its course.

The advantages will be the possibility that we will spend, proportionately, less time in school and further education which means a lesser part of our life will be spent in indoctrination, learning ancient Greek and the complete meaninglessness of Algebra which I last used half a century ago.

The disadvantages will be that having learnt ancient Greek and not used Algebra that we didn’t have to in the first place. We talk to computers these days and they refuse to follow instructions in ancient Greek and if we have a mathematical problem even involving the most complicated maths imaginable we just do it on our computer in a more than hundredth of the time of doing it manually.

By then we will have driverless cars, with the exception of those born before 2019 who will still insist on having a steering wheel so they look like they are in still in charge. By then we will also have 60 years old hoons tearing up the tarmac by over-riding the autopilot and actually controlling the car.

By being twice as old and wrinkly and ornery there is much less of a chance of you being kidnapped, or worse being held hostage by either Terrorists or Centrelink you will be more likely to be released first.

Another distinct advantage will be that our children could possibly hang around twice as long, hanging off our wallets while gathering together the 10% deposit for their own new home and the average $250,000 won’t be that much by then anyway. Come to think of it if they do move out you’ll have grandchildren, great grandchildren, great-great grandchildren and possibly great-great-great-great grandchildren too. By this time if they all visit just once a year for your Birthday you will be able to enjoy at least 250 people in your lounge room. That might bring about function centres that just cater for relatively large relative parties.

So we will be able to spend twice the amount of time working, most of us will be able to work for at least 112 years and that will result in us having more superannuation for the possible 70 years we can live in comfortable retirement.

Depending on our level of skills our extended working life will see us earning more and thus able to buy houses with seven bedrooms and his and hers personal rooms, rather than the present five with three-car garages, indoor and outdoor spas. The house will still take up 95% of the block its on which means no mowing and gardening to worry about, so we can throw away the extended arm impliments that take away our need to bend over to smell the roses.

Our pills everyday will help us work, rest and play and we can forget that friggin’ apple our dentures won’t handle. With possibly 70 years up our sleeves, more if we retire early, to enjoy the advantages of old age, our health professionals will have more time to medicate us, we can speed around in our mobility scooters or hobble around on zimmer frames for twice as long, double our leisure time playing Bridge or Bowling or emptying our Colostomy Bags.The ultimate joy of course will come in the form of Alzheimers when we will be able to enjoy twice the amount of time forgetting who we are and pooping our pants. Forgetting where your genitals are may also have the advantage of not knowing where your hard-earned retirement funds are as well.

“Oh! Grandpa what a big house you have. All the better to leave to you my son”

“Oh! Grandma what a large amount of super you have. All the better to leave to you my pretty.”

Oh! I nearly forgot sex. Getting old means you spend less time deciding who is going to be on top tonight after your libido has retired so you can look forward to many more nights pretending to play with yourself because all you have left is the softwood. There will be the added bonus if you are still working that it will be much harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

When the end finally does come you can go peacefully with the thought that you spent a lot more time contemplating Judgement Day and depending on your joints will probably feel better in the warmth of Hell anyway.