DOES TRAVEL REALLY BROADEN THE MIND?

Was this a true statement or just another whimsical philosophical stupidity as 'How long is a piece of string?'

Maybe in the days of the Grand Tour a few centuries ago when cultures even a few hundred miles away were so radically different to yours travel did broaden the mind, but today when Western civilisation begins breeding a boring sameness should we spend money on traveling anywhere.

Up, up and away on a big monoplane, thousands of dollars just for a seat to sit on. The hassle of security at both ends, I had to remove my pants belt at Avalon and I'm still holding my bag in one hand and my trousers up with the other.

So you land in another country, as strange as New Zealand or as dangerous as Puckapunyal and even before you get out of the airport you are assailed by the sights of Mc. Donalds, KFC and Subway. Why?

Why do we need to eat a Big Mac in Abu Dhabi, a deep fried chicken leg steeped in a host of secret herbs and spices in Bangladesh? For that matter does a Zimbabwean Sandwich Artist decorate your roll in Subway any different to those in Ballarat? I don't think so.

Then of course there is the accommodation. An Acor Hotel in Madrid is run the same, looks the same, is serviced the same and has the same beds and coffee as your Acor room in Nambour. The staff are just as friendly and inefficient and all have the same inability to speak English.

Today in a world of electronic wizardry including big screen 3D television (which is still trying to take off) why could we not just save thousands of dollars, hundreds of hours of differing opinion and the constant whine of 'whatever' in our ears can we not just stay where we are, or maybe travel as far as Bendigo, and make believe we are really somewhere both exotic and erotic of which Bendigo is certainly not, with the exception of the Chinese Temple.

'Hell Yes' I scream and by doing so save at least $50 in tips, whether that be in Drachma or in Dong.

So here we go on our latest overseas adventure. Pack the car with all the non-essentials of travel and drive off into the sunrise, a smile on our faces and an unpaid booking for 'Treasure Island' in the glove box. We are off to broaden our mind, experience the exhilaration of the wind in our hair, let the kids imagine they are flying with the Red Baron for five silent minutes and then Eye Spy for two bickering hours. Who f........ cares if Yew Tree doesn't start with an E.

No lectures about seat belts or placing our table in an upright position. Not having to watch someone mime how to blow a whistle, and no mention of how you don't blow up your floaties until you land in the water outside the aircraft. Why this is needed on a flight between Griffith and Dubbo is really open to debate.

On arrival at Shangri-Low because Treasure Island went bust due to them failing to install 3D television, one alights to the merry greeting of 'G'Day' instead of a polite shrug to indicate they can't understand a word you say.

Find the remote for the Travel Simulator, a big screen 3D TV outside the balcony, which instantly throws up the sights and sounds but not the smells of Calcutta and start unpacking the bags. The kids get onto 'Wigglespace' on the internet which will keep them amused for the week and the parents retreat to the bar to get pissed just like at home.

No hassles in crowded shops where pushing and shoving has been elevated to a high art, no stupid mime act to ask someone where the bus stop is, and the same room service that brings the same Kiddy Meal as they had a week ago at home. What makes the trip all the more exciting is the room service person who gives a polite shrug to indicate they didn't understand a word you said.

Oh! Linton ..... you're missing nothing except the Squatting Ewe Car Wash..