Ever since the arrival in town of Wilma Backert and her typewriter their seems to have been a broadside of correspondence to various groups and committees around the town with the main intention of creating dissention. Maybe she is attempting to divide and conquer this once close knit community and bringing us all under her autocratic rule.
The problem appears to be that only about 5% of the town care about the bloody place and are therefore becoming involved in several committees simultaneously. As a result we have heard of examples of the Secretary of one committee writing to the Secretary of another committee, upon which they are both the same person, and blatantly denying having received their own correspondence. Whilst this is a boon for a deprived postal service it has created an economic bubble in local mail delivery. One meeting it is said took more than five hours to get from Welcome to General Business. We did a breakdown of reports and minutes received from the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (ITBC) and found that:-
50% of time was taken up by matters arising from the minutes, 30% from the reading of correspondence, 15% by reports to the committee which had been discussed prior to the meeting, 10% discussing the latest town activity, the Miss Linton Titty Trophy often referred to as the Booby Prize, 8% by tea-breaks and pee-breaks and 5% by irrelevant interjections. Adding up to 118% this meant that everyone was very late getting home after negative discussions surrounding General Business. We checked out the sums with our Science Editor and he described it as a ‘Black Hole’
What are some of the other groups who cross each others paths on Sussex Street but don’t talk to each other and some of the matters they don’t discuss.
The Median Strip Playgroup (MSP) complaint about the C.F.A driving right through the middle of finger painting at the last callout. The Methane Reduction Group (MRG) writing to Golden Showers Council requesting a reduction in rates in return for their contributions to the Carbon Credit Contrivance (CCC). However the Council cited several unfortunate explosions of steers at Linton Park after the insertion of butt plugs and the cost of the beef collection.
The (name withheld) writes to the Progress Association (PA) in regard to the bench seat outside the Post Office (PO) being included in the Victorian Historical Register (VHR) and the exclusion of most of the towns historic churches.
Wilma has admitted writing to the Security Officer of the BBQ Subgroup from the Replica Railway Station Subcommittee which is part of the Linton Community Planning Group at the Golden Showers Council (BSGRRSSLCPGGSC) requesting that a heavy-duty security glass be added to the front of her shed to prevent her from being kidnapped or getting chilblains.
The Happy Valium Chamber of Commerce (HVCC) writes regularly to Linton Police Station (LPS)complaining about the Happy Clappy Church (HCC)seemingly getting far too happy about the Lord and the distinct possibility that it is not Hydrangeas being grown around the back of the toilets. The Happy Valium Progress Association (HVPA) has requested Council to reinforce the Happy Valley Schools (HVS) floor which may collapse if the Church attendees do not cease jumping up and down in such an exuberant manner.
Upsy Daisy, Secretary of the LPA has written to several groups asking them to refrain from requesting funds to buy their own barrows to push and sensibly suggesting that maybe they could share the one or two barrows already existing.
The Federation of Tracks (FAT) circulated a petition to permit the inclusion of barrows in the list of things that could be pushed along the Rail Trail and we finish with the Committee United for National Traditions and Services (C****)has requested that signage be placed at the five entrances to town saying that Linton has their support.
This is but a few examples of the maelstrom of mail that shoots back and forth over Sussex Street. We believe that the lack of numbers for working on committees, mainly due to the interminable talk but no action which bores everybody shitless, needs what in the private sector would be called a little ‘rationalisation’ by maybe either combining some groups or by everyone meeting on the same night in the same room and actually communicating with one another and to hold combined events according to resources and skills to break down the inexplicable historic barriers of parochialism in the best interest of the town.
We could start with the screaming minority joining with the silent majority in just one town activity and see where we go from there.
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