Usually just before the New Year begins Radio, TV, Newspapers and the Murdoch Press will go over the year that was. We’ll be a little different and go over next year instead.
Next year we predict no cures for the common cold or baldness, rises in juvenile crime and kids will drink alcohol. We won’t give up meat to save the planet. Shock Jocks will replace politicians as the prime shaper of Australian society wanting us to take it up the arse like they do. The fundamentalists and puritans will certainly be haranguing us as usual but thankfully the pious minority will fail to wheedle themselves into leadership positions although they will make it harder for non-bike riders to get to work. Religious leaders predict that at least once a day Dog will plunge the world into darkness.
Father John will fail to retire again but continue to minister as effectively to his flock as I do to mine. The 'End Days' didn’t and won’t ever arrive arrive because of a maths problem and the 'Rapture' will fail to materialise and that will disappoint 20% of Americans. Cowdy and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will not appear at Beaufort Rodeo. I regret I will also never experience a ‘Second Coming’. At least within twenty minutes.
Newspapers will tell us retirement is more popular – old people give us this idea – and we seem to be honouring the concept. Chicken Sexers and Telephone Cleaners will disappear from the phone book. People will stockpile Gold, sadly it appears none of our readers have, but we will stockpile Instant Noodles in anticipation of bushfires that mercifully will not plague us locally and, despite the dryness there will be no catastrophic fires along the towns median strip. The sheep abducted from the centre of town will fail to return as an art installation despite everyone knowing where the sheep are including council and the police.
Residents will still continue to dump there unwanted shit in the bush because there is no free area to dispose of it. The Astonisher promoted the idea of a skip bin in the council yard for the purpose of disposing of hard rubbish but of course that idea came to nothing. Not even the political power of Mr. Francis proved positive.
The Progress Association despite having achieved a successful counter-coup of the executive last year and ridding itself of members has stubbornly refused to progress but moving the Linton Ewes to the Linton School was a great move. Thanks to these preteens the newsletter has brought a great deal of maturity to the articles.
The (can’t be named) will attempt to invite Wilma Backberite not to be able to speak at one of their ‘Elders’ series of talks usually held at the Golden Pains Linton Offices a couple of times a year. It is possible that Wilma will become engaged to a tall, dark and handsome blow-up sex doll with badly repaired male appendage.
Tony Walker will approach several parents regarding their children performing illegal handstands and cartwheels down at the new BMX track. Two boys and three girls decided to flaunt the O.H & S rules instead of taking to drugs. Tony will praise efforts to allow children to make the whole town their playground despite the lack of pedestrian crossings. Their will be no village of Cubby Houses being built in the bush due to a lack of interest but the new footpaths will see half a dozen skateboards use them to get down to the Replica Railway Station.
The schools new Head Teacher (nee Headmaster) will not regret the absence of a bike shed where boys and girls can play ‘Show Me Yours’ but will find out that pupils have got round the problem with SMS and Photoshare sites with their mobile phones.
Somewhere next year someone will be celebrating something. Each month will have its rituals. ‘National Lamington Month’, ‘Botox Month’ and ‘Wear A Condom Day’ followed by ‘Share an STD Day’.
When we have rested from all the exhaustion of the first six months we will then have ‘Shove an iPhone Up Something Day’, ‘Stress Someone Week’ and ‘Share A Sunset Month’.
Naturally we can't forget the Official United Nations Days of 'Recycling Urine', 'Remembering Aunty' or 'The Fight Against International Days International Day'. There will be a great surge in the 'War On Terror' called the 'War On Vegans' and the 'International Day of Irritable Bowel Syndrome' will be celebrated by a Breakfast with lots of nuts at the Linton Recreation Centre.
The local Soothsayer has predicted that Census Takers will be equipped with GPS Devices in preparation for Golden Pains to Launch Predator Missiles on residents who haven’t cut their grass. Town signs will point everywhere but where they are supposed to in an attempt to discourage tourists. Our Soothsayer has also predicted that Pauline Hanson will make a run for the Mayoralty of Golden Pains after having been fired as an Apprentice on TV in the repeats as well..
Finally, the Committee On How To Speak Proper will publish its list of banned words and phrases. The Astonisher was able to get a sneak look at the Council Press Release last week. Words and Phrases that will not be permitted in Linton shall include 'Have A Nice Day', 'You Hear What I'm Saying', 'Watch My Lips', 'Make My Day' and .... 'Whatever'.
Finally for 2013 May you have a year that befits your family and your beliefs.
Now I’ll go out and do a few BANNED handstands to celebrate my naughty new year.
Clare Voyant
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