THE LINTON PUB CRAWL

Recently there has been a concerted drive to publicise the merits of Linton and District to attract tourists. One idea raised at a meeting was the potential for a Fine Dining Guide to the town. It was to this suggestion that I volunteered to do the necessary research and visit the various licenced establishments and rate them for excellence. I chose one particular night to visit them all so that I was in a similar mood at all of them and not give a biased opinion.

The first establishment I visited was the Railway Hotel. As my doctor had advised that I should only have one glass of wine a day this may have been a problem however he did not specify how many times that same glass could be refilled.

I ordered a bottle of Queen Adelaide, my favoured tipple, whilst I established the quality of service this first hotel provided.

I met David the Licensee in the company of one of the more regular patrons who, it appeared, could even have an argument with a place mat. Cowdry I think his name was. Both men were watching four-stick football on the TV.

Upon asking what was special about the place I was told about the ‘Belvedere Room’ (see add this issue) a special Dining Room where you could be intimate with the food. Asking whether they served Sheep Brain Burgers I was advised that they might only be available at the next pub because they certainly served a lot of tripe down there.

I finished my bottle of red wine and asked for directions to this ‘next pub’. David told me to go out the bar door and turn left. Walk past the CFA and just keep turning left and I would eventually arrive at the next hotel. After the first couple of turns I sort of half fell past a little dolls house with a big aerial almost opposite a little church hidden behind a lot of shrubbery.

A couple more lefts near the Post Office and there it was, a well lit sign establishing the place as ‘The Linton Hotel’ although the lettering was bit blurry and flickered a lot. I entered through an arched doorway marked ‘Eclectic’.

Once inside I spied a little window opposite the Emporium and tapped on it. It slid open and a girl, calling herself Tammy, appeared on the other side. I asked for another bottle of Queer Adeline and walked through to a room that contained a Pool Table. Someone called Nick or Rick or something like that was playing with himself on the table. I did not think that playing with two balls of the same colour was within the rules.

Tammy let me know that Pizza was available 7 days a week except Monday and ‘No’ I must have been mislead about the Sheeps Brain Burgers but maybe the next pub might have them. She hadn’t been down there for a while but knew they had an offal big menu.

As more people arrived for the Pool thingy I finished the bottle off and asked Mammy for directions. I was a little disappointed with the wine glasses for their odd shape made me keep missing my mouth.

Following her instructions and turning right past the Crafty Shop I hung two more rights and found pissy little painted house with a really stupid looking pole in front of it. I found it hard getting through all the shrubbery in the middle of the street and after hanging another couple of rights managed the last 820 paces or 100 metres up the hill to the third pub which was called the ‘Wailray Tofu’.

I didn’t realize there were two steps at the door and only slipped up one. As a result I learnt about the interesting knots in the tongue and groove flooring. Introducing myself to the bar lady whe said her name was Krisp and I ordered another bottle of Quick Matricide. She was also serving Pony the Tainter at the time.

Krisp suggested something softer but when I tried to snort the Coke all I did was spray a lot of brown liquid all over the bar. I think Krisp was the one needing a soft drink because she kept going in and out of focus. The goodness of the place was a bit more lower than the previous two for I found the floor swayed a lot and kept moving away from m..m..me. One thing in common was that they all supported the Adrenalin Blackbirds Football Team. This hotel has a Rest.. Resta ..Bist ...has a Café open on Fri-fridays and Ssssssss...aturdies where I bleevs can get a good moll at affords prides an ...forg..why biddling duggle poop….

WE MUST APOLOGISE FOR THE STORY ENDING HERE BUT THE WRITER HAS JUST BEGUN EXAMINING THE FLOORBOARDS AGAIN.

(Editor) When he wakes up we are sure that he will confirm that he does not condone nor endorse irresponsible drinking of any alcoholic product including After-shave.