IF YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR OWN WINGS DON'T TRY FLYING

OK, so I’m a bit obsessive but maybe that was a good thing. Always checking and double checking things comes naturally but even the best plans come astray. I’ve even driven to Avalon to check I could get to Avalon.

On my way out for my Xmas holidays via Jetstar there was no real drama when the flight from Avalon to Sydney was delayed by 25 minutes because someone forgot to remind one of the Hostesses which flight she was supposed to be on. I thought bugger it, relax, I'm on holidays.

The travel arrangements were almost perfect and it was now time to return home. Deciding that a visit with a good friend would not go astray as I had to depart the motel at 10.00 am but my flight was not until 6.40pm. A good chat and a coffee was never a waste of time. Especially when the friends well know they can meditate my voice from their brains.

The Taxi was booked for 5.20pm, a 15 minute trip to Mascot and by 5.35pm I was walking in the entrance to Terminal 2. Step One: Get to Airport an hour before departure. Step Two: Airport procedure is to then check how flight is going. Find signs. Flight JQ625 delayed - now 7.05pm. No worries. bugger it, I'm on holidays.

 Step Three: Initial check-in electronically. Touch screen, type booking number and tick name and OK you're checked in. Get Boarding Pass and proceed to Security. Empty carry on luggage of laptop and remove trouser belt. (Learnt on flight up). Pass through machine and pack everything up.

Step Four: Turn off mobile phone so I don't forget to do it on the aircraft.

I pass down the staircase to the main level and notice with delight a Toy Shop on the right hand side, just after Security, which is supposed to protect you against explosions, with the astonishing name of KABOOM Fun Stuff for Kids.

Find Aromas Tea and Coffee Merchants at 5.50pm. Relax, Read paper. Proceed to next coffee shop closer to Gate 57 at 6.15pm. While I’m enjoying this second Coffee I hear a Tannoy announcement, cannot decipher a word they said  and then comment to the guy having coffee at the next table that 'It may as well be in Farsi' as neither of us could make out what was being said. My new not so special friend thought it said something about 'Mr.Wong was needed for the next dance” not a word could have been understood. It comes time to check flight again to see if delay is still 25 minutes or now longer.

Electronic screen indicates Flight JQ625 is Now Boarding to depart at 6.40pm. It could be wrong. Relax, bugger it, I’m on holidays but maybe I should go to Gate 57 as quick as I can just in case this indicator is actually correct.

I arrive at Gate 57 at 6.20pm only to be advised that everyone was now boarded and ready to go and basically you're stuffed. You should have been here 30 minutes before the flight. But I am here 30 minutes before the flight if it was to leave at 7.05 as indicated when I arrived.

“We did make two public announcements for you” came the reply.

I then asked if they were in English or in Farsi.

'We did try to ring you'“ they said.

I explained that I had turned my phone off to comply with the aircraft rules. OK so I’d seen those shows where you complain and get nowhere with the airline staff. So I thought 'f...k it, relax, I'm on holidays.'

Now I had to backtrack all the way to the front door and rebook on the 10.05pm flight to Avalon.

“No .. you can't leave your luggage here ..for security reasons” they said.

I mentioned it had already been through the machines. But no - I had to lug everything back the half kilometre through security to the Jetstar Counter. Explain story. Gee we're sorry. Yes we can book you on the 10.05 flight. That's $319.00 Thanks.

'What!' he says, maybe I had misheard the guy. '$319.00?'

'Yes $319.00'.

'But it was only $179.00 Return when I flew up.'

 'Well, it's $319.00 to go back'.

I quickly calculated the cost of a Taxi back to the motel, $190 for the Motel and then a taxi back the next day. That could be dearer than the next flight even at a fair price. F...k it, relax, you're screwed but your still on holiday.

The moral of the story is if you have a car then drive to where you're going. If you fly you're bound to be screwed. So cover your backside in the drivers seat and say to yourself f...k it, relax, I'm on holiday. Step Four. Send a copy to Jetstar and say 'F...k you. I'm going on a driving holiday.'

My thanks to comedian Allan Green for the concept of the story.