MARIA AND THE BABY

Hi!...is that Centrelink? ….Ok…...I'm Maria....Maria Ave ….My man and I was wandering if we could get more dough from ya. Cause now I got a kid …………. My story? ……. Well.

Well, you see I'm.......like ...still a virgin yeah?......and like Joe and I spent the night... get this ....get this.... in a garage........a garage yeah! .... and like.... it was real smelly.......Yeah like the Pub was a mess yeah, all full of drunks ... and like loose women popping in and out of the bedrooms...... so I'm thinking I'm not a loose woman like them, well...not quiet as loose anyway, you hear what I'm saying.

So they said if you want a kip then you better use the garage right. They're right quiet for sleeping  yeah …. except for the farting of the ass. They said me and Joe can kip in the straw. Then all the locals in the bar … they insulted me ….. Oooooooh! What a fat belly you got there honey they said. I was pissed off and just gave them the finger….just like that.

But we ain't done it you know....Joe...like he can't get it up....so we ain't done it yet...you hear what I'm sayin, Well that's what Joe thinks anyway....He don't know it but I done it wif the Dairy fella down at Rokewood.

I met Joe a few months later...he was giving us a amazing technicolour yawn outside the Railway Hotel… right?.... he was barfing up everywhere......like....gross? But I still fell in love with him ....the ninth time this year yeah....I fell in love ... like real love yeah ...the kind that'll last for months....

Well I thought I just had a bad case of the wind. The baby … yes a baby I tell ya …..it just popped out....just like that...all pink and wrinkled, but....get this....it kinder glowed...yeah Here what I'm saying ...it glowed.

Joe wanted to call him 'Edam' like God's first effort at producing something with a penis. Mum would want to call him Cecil and Dad likes the name Bruce. Then Joe popped up with the name Cheeses! Cheeses? I hit him one...I did...planted one right on Joe's forehead with me fist.....did he look surprised or what? Maybe he guessed the seeds didn’t come from Monsanto.

You can’t name things I said. Don't you remember you're a dumb ass .....you stupid boy.......the first thing you told me was you believed in 'Dog' right.....dog?........so your not doing any naming around here. Anyway Joe persuaded me that it should stay at Cheeses and that's how its going to stay, do you know I still got that black eye….eh!

Cheeses?... what sort of name is that? ....Joe your a spaz I told him. Fancy having to go through life with a name like that. So hows I doin’. You got enough information for getting me some more dole money?

Witnesses? You want witnesses? Well…..

Now get this …into the garage burst these three guys in fancy dress …. We find out later they’d just escaped from an insane asylum all suffering from ’grand illusions’ or something like that. They was thinking themselves to be three kings .... three wise men....three magi .... from the East. yeah....like where the sun sets. Genghis Kahn, Emperor Xi and a little fat guy who called himself Chairman Mao? Like they had these three daggy gifts they brung from China right. Real cheap crap.

The first looked like a box of marijuana resin he called 'Frankincense' or some shit like that. The second idiot ... he had like... a jar of honey.....he reckoned it was 'Mer' I think he said anyway....... don't stop me now .....right . Well this silly prick had a jar of honey didn't he....Duh! Well the third guy took the cake.

He was the worst nutter of them all, he had a spiff bag wif gold dust init right....but it weren't gold dust were it...it was Gold Xmas Card glitter...... gold glitter! .... what a twat he was. So there was my baby surrounded by resin, honey and xmas glitter....like...sad it was......It looked more like something out of a book by the Brothers Grimm.

In fact someone is writing a book about it. They like took all these unfounded allegations called Testaments..... just like you make with the pigs before they take you to court..........you follow?..... Testamenting in the witness box.

Well they copied all of these testaments.....from the witnesses like.....in a ‘Holly Bibble' or summit like that. The Holly bit ....I think means.... that when you get married they hold the book over your head and you kiss for the first time. Just like the Holly you hang over the front door so  you can get to suck on the face of everyone who comes through the door....right

So this Bibble has all these Testaments in it, but instead of Chapters they called them 'Books' and told the same story over and over ....... like .... according to someone else....... it was like several witnesses telling different stories about the same car accident .... right...you follow?

Like there's Peter and Paul and Mary in this book ...so I'm told, except they're three guys right, like few people know that yeah....like my Mum told me that Mary used to be Max Magdalene...... before he had his thingy cut off and a coin slot inserted in its place. So the Bibble doesn't talk about Peter, Paul and Max...you hear what I'm saying. Didn’t they right a song about poofs and a  magic dragon?

So this book is like something a lot of people read...but I'm not into reading.. yeah....I'm like into iPods and things so I'm going to wait for the MP3 version to find out what they're saying about me...right....and if it ain't right I gonna sue their asses off.....you hear what I'm saying.

I’m sick of bangin’ on about Cheeses for today. Just tell me if I got the extra money or not….. I really need it … my dru…, my friend wants to give him some money for summit I bought from him like ...a week ago.

But that’s not the end of the story. Maybe in thirty-three years I’ll ring you again and spin you the yarn of how Cheeses went and learned flyin’ and how the Pilots took Cheeses off to Kings Cross and we never saw for him three days.

So I’ll end here by wishin’ ya all, on behalf of Joe and Cheeses, Mao, Xi and Khan, and  everyone at Centrelink a Happy New Year and that goes for all you irreligious bastards at the Railway Hotel too.

Maria Ave