THEY WALK AMONGST US

MAXINE LINTON-SUFFOLK PROVES WHY SHE’S OUR EDITOR IN SHEEP WITH THIS OUTSTANDING PIECE OF JOURNALISM

It is a common misconception that our township has been spared the outbreak of ‘Goonies’ so commonly found in ‘Alternative Cultures’ in towns on the other side of Ballarat.

But we at the Astonisher thought we might check things out. We have been sneaking around poking our noses where they shouldn’t go (we were only punched once) and found out that there is a secret group in town that worships the foot. It confirmed our suspicions that something was afoot in Linton.

We are not talking about ‘foot fetishists’ there are several of them as we found out peeking through the towns windows, but we are talking about the foot worshippers that meet here in town, secretly, under cover of darkness.

We have heard that they call themselves ‘The Church of the Unwashed Soles’. Adherents to this cult believe that ‘at the end times’ when the Saviour returns to Earth he will be coming here to once again wash the feet of his Apostles.

To this end his Apostles (anyone they can pursuade joining) have sworn never to wash their feet until the Second Coming. These men, women and children are led by their ‘Pedant’ (someone who displays his or her knowledge ostentatiously) or someone that non-believers would call a ‘Smartarse’.

We have managed to get hold of a copy of the ‘The Commandments of the Unwashed Soles’ and hereby, herewith, as it has come to pass we shall expose ourselves to you.

1. Thou shalt never wash thy feet until the return of the Saviour.

2. Thou shalt only wear Thongs so as to ensure thy feet remain in need of a wash.

3. Thou shalt spend 99.94 minutes on thy back waving your bare soles towards the heavens on Don Bradman’s Birthday.

4. Thou shalt worship no shoes before me.

5. Thou shalt do no kicking.

6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours thongs.

7. Thou shalt honour thy Father laying at thy Mothers feet.

8. Thou shalt aspire to be pedantic.

9. Thou shalt not associate with the Devil at the ‘Foot Locker’.

10. Thou shalt, at regular intervals, sing the Psalms and Hymns of the Church which shall include;

* Your feets too big

* Don’t wear blue suede shoes

* Put your right foot in, take your right foot out

* I have Knick-Knacks and Paddy Wacks between my toes.

* They’re your own feet you silly fool but you’re too drunk to see

* Damn Dem Golden Slippers

* These feet are made for waving

For the Socialists

* Under Stalins Heel

And for the Fascists

* Mein Kampf Ert Comes First

We contacted an ex-member of the ‘Church of Unwashed Soles’ and interviewed him to confirm our information. He insisted on covering his feet to remain anonymous..

It’s horrible he said - the smell really gets to you after a while and my wife refused to suck my toes - the Doctor and Podiatrist refused me service and my children have rebelled by running around wearing Trainers.

To protect his family our informant would prefer not to be named. He would also like to deny he intends to sell ‘blessed thongs’ as Kevin Rudd holds the copyright on ‘flip-flops’.

He was adamant about warning everyone in the town about these deviants. He stresses that we should not socialise with people who wear thongs. He fears they will brainwash you into believing their way of life is really one of loving and caring and comfortable feet.

έχετε νωθρό sphincter