WHAT'S MANHOOD?

(Readers should be advised that this story contains animals and adult themes. It may also contain traces of nuts.)



The next important step in the learning curve of moving from being a Pitt Street Farmer to a fair dinkum Happy Valley resident was it now came time for the inaugural shearing of the alpacas.

The sheep were bad enough. Somehow by being an obsessive compulsive has allowed my animals to work out every regular move I make. Visitors, feeding time, noisy machines, feeding time, burning off, feeding time, and so on.

So it was to be with the alpacas. The very moment I do anything different such as encircling the small yard with hessian they immediately expect something dastardly is going to happen. So one has to do these things well in advance so as to put them at ease and make them think all is normal. Dali and Panchun had no idea that anything was up until I refused to re-open the yard gate for them after feeding.

The hummed and ‘aaahed’ as usual until the van arrived with two strangers aboard. Complaints and inquisitive looks turned to consternation and horror as the two men approached them.

I had not heard about having the Alpha male go first, so it was brown ‘Dali’ who would picked to feel the effects of clippers and snippers first. That’s right, neutering was on our mind as well. He actually was quite laid back about it all, even being spread-eagled in the dirt didn’t seem to worry him. Laying there taking it all like a man, even though ten minutes later he would no longer have a libido.

When released Dali headed off into the wild blue yonder feeling a bit lighter and cooler, all three sets of human eyes now turned to Panchun.

Like a Hitchcock suspense movie the moment of shearing was building up from quite elevator music as he was lowered to the ground to the stab stab stab of Bernard Hermann's shower scene in ‘Psycho’. The bloodied knife being replaced by gnawing shears.

Like Dali two years of fleece fell to earth, Panchun’s black locks gradually denuding him. Concurrently with the process of shearing Panchun let go with every orifice and soiled himself, spitting at anyone in reach and screaming blue murder. He didn’t let up even after we let him go.

With a sound like the screams of a woman running from the hairdressers clutching her bald skull Panchun didn’t stop running until he hit the boundary fence. He felt the shears but felt nothing of a bit of him disappearing into a bucket. Not only had they lost their hair but some mean bugger had also stolen their manhood as well.

The indignity of it hit Panchun like a well aimed Mallet and all he could do was flop to the ground, groin pressed into the dirt in an attempt to protect what he no longer had.

Even to this day they are both so traumatised by the event that whenever they settle down to feed and lower their head into the feed trough they seem to experience some sort of flashback and both will pop their heads up quickly, with a startled look, eyes wide, as much as to say ‘Wazzat?”

Maxine has been treading on my toes regularly in an attempt to get me to buy her a ‘puter’. I’ve got a spare one in the shed and a good monitor but I’m still searching for a keyboard with typing keys big enough to manipulate with her hooves. She won’t let up, she knows it will upset Betty who kind of thinks she’s the local Baa Bara Cartland. I think Maxine wants to do a column too but I’m resisting the idea. Why should I give up my space for her?

I think I’ll ask her to audition for the job first and find a good excuse for her not to proceed with her unrealistic ambitions.

GODFREY ZONE


THOUGHT FOR THE MONTH

Why is it that Phone Technicians, Electrician and Plumbers are all striving to keep the name ‘Diggers’ alive.

Every time I want to do something around the house it seems they’ve got to bury it. One example is gathering water from the guttering around the carport and directing it to the downpipe in one corner, but then going underground for about a meter and a half before rising up again nearly to the same height to empty the water into the rainwater tank.

Are these the normal rules or are they all in search of Lasseter’s Reef.