BUREAUSPEAK

Any bureaucratic structure, constantly on guard against being interpreted too literally, needs to develop specific words and phrases that at first sight may appear definite, on second reading may give rise to a different interpretation. This is a protective practice that shifts blame from them onto someone else if things go wrong. In legal circles this gives rise to argue a whole range of different interpretations for one word, which extends the time in court cases and in turn inflates both the egos and wallets of legal practitioners.

There is also the practice to publish documentation so wordy and couched in such legal terminology as to hide – like a needle in a haystack – important salient points – deep within the vowels and consonants. One letter or one number hidden in such a way is a method by which important changes that are unpopular or undemocratic can be slipped through un-noticed. It’s a wonderful way in which corrupt prtactices can be concealed.

Every action has a policy, rule or regulations. The Police Manual in London for example on ‘The Use Of And Maintenance Of Bicycles’ is 93 pages long. These volumes contain millions of words and most normal people are unwilling to read the entire document and as a result things get approved without due consideration or take years to process through the system. My friends at Golden Pains Shire Council are no exception, they can tie you up for three months getting aspproved for an additional wheelie bin.

From time to time we may receive a letter that contain some of these words or phrases.

Courageous - An act we don’t agree with.

Popular - Doesn’t cause too much of a stir, the opposite of which is

Unpopular - Ordinary people like the decision but not your superiors.

Team player - Does what they are told without question. The Captains always right.

Priority -It’s in the In-tray and I might get to it within three months. If it’s Top Priority then it’s at the top of the In-Tray.

Urgent -Its gone to the pending tray and might get done within the month. If it’s Very Urgent it will get done within a month.

Immediate - It’s reached the Pending Tray.

Consider - we will think about it at an appropriate time in the future

Future - if immediate it will be after your next birthday, if near it will happen before you retire, if distant it will be in the next Millennium.

Confidential - Doesn’t go any further than the lunchroom, sometimes the gents toilet cubicle.

Secret - A good word for not providing information. Top Secret nobody has the information.

Commercial in Confidence - Another way not to provide information, usually involves money.

Active - It’s on the desk somewhere.

Actively consider - Someone else has got it on his or her desk.

Matter of time - It’s filed

Filed - It will take a month to find a copy, we threw the original in the waste paper basket.

Archived - Something you’ll never hear about again in your lifetime. The Dead Sea Scrolls were the result of good archiving.

Pending - Endless cycle of inactivity.

Out-tray - Pass on to a higher authority.

Pigeonholed - Great idea for next Century.

Cross-referenced - A way of losing it in several different places.

Intending - We might think about it.

Impending - A decision is imminent.

Imminent - We thought about it but don’t know whether we should tell you.

Implications - We might be blamed.

Legal implications - We are looking for a law that prevents us from being blamed.

Supervision - Someone is watching to see if you get too close to be ethical.

Take On Board - And throw it away on the other side.

Stakeholder - Part of the problem.

Community Partner - Do what your told.

Transparency - Nobody knows its being done.

Accountability - Acquire receipts from anywhere

Counselling - Have been told how to avoid being caught again.

Compliance - Ensure that the customer jumps through the flaming hoops.

Spreading the risk - Ensure that no one person gets the blame

Flexibility - Any answer is bound to be right

Red Tape - Its been bound, gagged and shoved down in the garage.

Flagged - There’s a piece of paper sticking out of the file marking the right place.

Coffee Breaks - Where all the decisions are really made

Gone to a committee - You’ll wait 12 months.

Forming a committee - You’ll wait 3 years.

Considering a committee - Don’t hold your breath.

Consult - We’ll ask the boss.

Consulted - We asked the boss but he has to ask someone else.

Consultants - People that bosses use to create a pretty report that only says what he decided the very moment you asked him.

Meeting - Spending time discussing things not on the agenda.

Case Meeting - Convince them that we are right. Client leaves meeting knowing what you did on the weekend.

Appoint - At least one member of staff will be employed to sit at a desk with the appropriate label.

User Pays - This inevitably means you have to pay to receive a service which will include tea breaks, smoko breaks and time spent playing Solitaire on the computer. Public servants must account for every minute of their day as we taxpayers would expect. As a result tea, smoke and games get lumped together under the heading ‘Research’ and you are charged accordingly. Even complaining can attract a fee if they’re handled right.

Restructuring - a damn good way to put decisions off.

Litigation - Give us a try it’s not our money and we’ll use every bit of it to destroy you whether we’re right or wrong.

The latest and most misleading is the use of the word ‘efficient’.

It will be more efficient really means it will be so complicated nobody will try or it will cost so much nobody with any sense would be able to afford it. It might also mean employing more government staff to make things go faster, staff meetings go quicker or even that steps can be missed that might be informative to the customer. It is a wonderful word that can be misinterpreted any which way one wants and still be right.

Now you can translate the next letter from your local council.

General Counsel

Solicitor for Kebab Cross

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

Like Monty Python it is “Now for something completely different'.

When you meet a stranger, whether or not it’s across a crowded room, it is always diplomatic to ensure one does not say something that may upset them.

In a pub for instance you do not always know whether a drinker is self-employed or runs a business, a shearer or stock-broker. Rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. Rich or poor does not always show on the outside in fact one might argue whether money is a guide to how rich or poor you might be. You might run into sceptics and the paranoid, conspiracy theorists, kleptomaniacs and the argumentative, hypochondriacs or necrophiliacs. painters of houses and/or nude women. People who love condoms but hate balloons. Those that talk a lot of offal or those that eat it.

In Pubs you will find those that can eat no fat and some no lean, people who raise lamb and those who eat it, smokers and non-smokers, those that fight fires and regrettably those who start them. People who believe in God and those that don't, they who only drink cheap red wine and those that drink only Stout. Some who dress like pigs, some who are pigs and some that can't eat pigs.. They who paddy-whack and those who give a dog a bone.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that all manner of people walk around this planet, all races, creeds and beliefs. Some wear Burqa's and some throw stones at them. Some people disappear when you turn out the light, some are so white they glow in the dark. We are free to be who we want to be and how dare anyone tell me or anyone else what they should or should not be like, what political party to favour or who leads the country. If I want to be a Groucho Marxist then so be it.

One might be rich in cash or in knowledge, may be a savant or stupid, content or confused. A few glimpses or a few hours does not make one an expert in someone else capacities. Treat people without respect and they lose respect for you. If business people do not respect their shoppers then they have lost that business or at least minimised it forever. If tradesmen abuse potential customers they find their work dries up especially in small country towns.

I have never knowingly bought a News Limited paper since the downfall of Gough Whitlam, I have never bought another GE product since they would not honour a warranty back in 1968, not even one of their light globes because they had no respect for their customers or their readers. Of late I have even started a campaign to hassle the begeesus out of my local government because they lie, cheat and steal with impunity, ethical and honest public officials they are not.

Everyone knows that loyalty to a brand is paramount to a business, the secret to ongoing success. It appears to me that some businesses today believe in PT Barnum’s famous statement that ‘there is another sucker born every day’. I’ll finish with a wall poster I saw back in the days when I was trying to be a Hippy. ‘You are you and I am me – lets just leave it and not disagree.

Более следующий месяц Kebab Cross

ALI BAABAA AND THE SPIN

After what seems like light years watching funny home video shows, rude tubes and popular disasters I still have not learnt to carry a video camera with me wherever I go. I could have lined my pocket with some prize money or at the very least a few dozen hits on You Tube.

Here I was sitting at my computer in the Astonishing Office when I heard the gut-renching cry of Ali Baabaa the smallest goat in the flock. This was not unusual as every time he loses Horn Solo his body-guard in the grass that is taller than he is he can be heard screaming his little head off. What a wimp.

Anyway, on this day, I had listened to him carry on for the mandatory half-hour which is about the time that I get up off my arse and go out to point him towards the rest of his mob. Upon looking in the direction of the increasingly desperate bleating all I could see was the flock just standing around in a circle discussing what to do about Julia Gillard but no sign of Ali. The sound was coming from there so I headed off in that direction collecting several dozen flies on the way.

Upon arrival the flock parted and there, from the core of a roll of chicken wire, erupted the arse of one very unhappy Boer. Ali had managed to wriggle into the centre of the roll, probably in search of some rare greens for his Souvlaki, and once between his lips would naturally proceed to back out. Being only a kid (pun intended) he didn’t realise that his little horns would get stuck in the mesh of wire and thus well and truly lock him in position, unable to either go forward, because his arse was too big, or backward because his head was too horny and his only resort was to scream for help as loud as he could. What could he be thinking, when all of those around him were as dumb as he was and could have done nothing anyway. That was until at least one half-brain arrived, mine.

Now one might realise at this point that the only way to extricate said goat would be to unwind the wire, and the roll being 50 Metres in length would mean more than a little pushing and shoving especially when the ground it was to cover was strewn with trees, stumps and rocks and impossible to layout in a straight line. Imagine also, as I did not count them, the number of times said goat would rotate in the process of the unrolling. I would take a guess at around 50+.

The process involved revolving the wire and watching his little legs, attached to a soccer ball stomach, flop about uncontrollably. At one end he was stressed, tense and screaming and the other his legs were doing the either the Hokey-kokey or some Irish Jig and his arse shitting itself. ‘Roll, scream, roll, poop, roll, bleat, roll’ was how it went for ten long minutes over rocks, around stumps and several trees. The result was a huge ‘S’ flattening the long grass. like a bear flailing a Tuna to death.

With only two revolutions to go his carcass finally flopped out the end of the wire. Wobbling to his feet, his eyes still spinning and his tongue flapping out of the side of his mouth he looked at me, seemed to say ‘you bastard for leaving that lying around’ and sighting Horn Solo ran screaming off back to the flock which had been intently following all the action but not bothering to assist.

I went back to the office and wrote a hundred lines ‘I must carry the phone, I must take the phone’

CONTRIBUTION

ADVANCE LINTON FAIR

In recent times one would note that the most exciting thing to happen to Linton in the last six months was the kidnapping of Wilma from her office allegedly by Boko Haram with the intention to marry her off. When a town becomes totally fixated on a bloody doll then maybe we should think about the sanity of the population. I was just sitting around the other day playing something from J.S Bach on my Shoe Horn when it came to me that Linton and its environs which includes the residents of Clappy Valley need to do something other than make off with life size dolls for some bizarre purpose.

Could we hold a Linton Charity Auction involving all the local community organisations together and for them to divide the spoils amongst themselves according to their input of saleable donations? Is this a good time financially to be drawing on the restricted incomes of our small population?

The Progress Association holds a Firewood Raffle once or twice a year but is that enough? I’m not sure that potential Tourists would stop on the way through to buy wood that may have to be transported back to Kazakstan.

One idea I thought of might be to promote the local Roman Ruins. We have holes in the ground scattered throughout the district that may have been Roman Baths and enough derelict brick structures to explain away as ancient Villa’s. A few old walls, the display of some broken terracotta pots or even some spearheads. We have enough Victorian Iron Lacework to scatter a few pointy bits around and I’m sure several disfigured old Pennies might find their way into the bottom of an abandoned well.

Do we have to have something tangible to draw in the Tourists? What about popular annual events such as an ‘Athiest Conference’ where even Agnostics of Golden Pains, Ballarat and Pyranees could get together to explain scientifically how God doesn’t really exist. Father John could be a Guest Speaker and a Raffle held for a new Stature of the Holy Mother for the Sussex Street Median Strip.

Every year 600 Million Dollars goes overseas in Internet Gambling which sort of ruins the idea of Mandatory Gambling Limits in Australia. Linton could get in on this act. Establish in the Blue Room tables, chairs and lounges and a dozen laptop computers hooked up to Wi-fi and connected exclusively to overseas Gambling Sites. Roulette, Black Jack, and Poker could all be played in a relaxed community atmosphere and we could all lose our money together. This would draw in people from Skipton and Smythesdale to lose their money as well. The $5.00 an hour charge to use the service could then be ploughed back into the Linton Community Groups. It’s a win-win situation for some of us.

A side benefit would be that we could qualify to be a high-rollers site and thus like Crown be exempt from Australian Smoking Laws. Of course we would need to prove we were smoking Imported Tobacco and not locally grown Hemp.

In Malaya they have formed Obedient Wives Clubs maybe we could establish one in Linton. Of course the Leaders would be men as ordained by God. Then maybe I should rethink that idea in the light of the iron laden purse heading for my forehead. Maybe the thought of each man being allowed to have four wives would leave nothing for us fat ugly ones.

Now that the town appears to be awakening from its economic slumber it could eventually lead to us being able to establish one of those popular Fishing and Surfing Shops. With Cape Clear so close it’s a badly needed resource for the area. The new Café 80 could redecorate with a Surfing Theme and Suzie’s specialise in selling Board Shorts knitted exclusively by Country Comforts. 

ABOUT PROVENANCE AND ALL THAT

If you have watched 'The Collectors' on ABC or 'Antiques Roadshow' on a commercial channel? You have? Then you will have heard of this word.

prov·e·nance  (pr v -n ns,-näns) noun
1. Place of origin; derivation.
2.
a. The history of the ownership of an object, especially when documented or authenticated. Used for artworks, antiques, and books.
b. The records or documents authenticating such an object or the history of its ownership.

Here is a surefire way, if you are a Second-Hand Dealer or the operator of a Craft Shop like Country Comfort, or actually make Handcrafted Goods to enhance your sales, increase interest in local producrs or to add value.

People who buy antiques or home-made products have a real interest in where it came from, it's history, how it was made and who made it. You will also know that good Provenance with an object also increases its value many times over. A handkerchief is just that, but a handkerchief that may have been used by Bill Clinton to mop up stains will have additional value because it's a one off, or at least we hope so.

If you want to increase an objects value, even after its sale to someone else then a photo of the maker (yourself?) and a quick biography along with dates times and places would be a great advantage, especially if the photo is of the person actually making the object at the time.

If you are able to I would suggest if you have any knowledge of an object, even if you still have it at home and don't wish to part with it just yet, that you sit down at your computer, Open a write program and record concisely all that you know about your favourite object. Who made it, when it was made or when and where you acquired it. Any historically accurate data that comes to mind.

Having done that you should print it out and store it somewhere safe, preferably with the object. Pasted to the back of a painting is one place or folded up inside that vase or piece of pottery.

Have you ever tried to describe something and ended up looking more like a Marcel Marceau impersonator. Claiming for Insurance can be a nightmare so if you have any valuable objects then I suggest you extend a Provenance to everything of substance in the house.

If you are computer literate and have a digital camera it is also great for Insurance purposes to have a photo of all your valuables as well. Print out a copy of the provenance, insert the image and file it in a place safe from fire and water damage. Note serial numbers and any other identifying marks (this helps if some miscreant decides they want to relocate your valuables to a Pawn Shop.) I have even thought about committing everything to a USB stick and leaving it with relatives. So might you.

Finally. You might have purchased the object just yesterday. But what happens if it lasts longer than the five years things are made for these days. That empty Pickle Jar you collected rather than recycle will, somewhere, sometime, somehow be worth something to somebody. It has provenance already with the 'Use-by-date'. Good wine and even the rubbish wine come to think of it has a vintage or a bottling date for just that reason. Wine Buffs like me who pay anything up to $6.99 for a good bottle of wine set them aside for later consumption maybe a day or ten years later. The longer you keep wine it will either increase in value or tend to morph into Vinegar.

If you cannot do it yourself then I might suggest that paying me around 10 grand to do it for you might be a bit expensive for you but very advantageous for me.

Do it now or forever regret it after you survey the burnt out wreck that used to be your home.

Buyer be sure BUTCH

ABOUT HUMAN DOGS

“ The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog”

Besides being a test for the keyboard it is also the core of this weeks story just in case one might be wondering what diatribe I am about to launch into.

The racing season is over once the Melbourne Cup has been run and the winner decided. I deliberately failed to participate in this years event following a disasterous error in reading the Form Guide.

Maybe this story should alert everyone not to judge a book by its cover, and never to buy yourself a book of common cliché’s and sage sayings.

I very rarely venture into the world of gambling. Being born a tightwad I am doomed to be that way till the end of days. A short flurry with Poker Machines back in the days when they had handles to pull, ending abruptly the day I received my first eviction notice from the owner of Randwick Stables where my Horse and Trap were stored. The possibility of not being able to get to work gave me a start to say the least, and decisions were made not only to stop pulling handles but to grace the lower socio-economic valleys of Randwick Racecourse.

One habit I did maintain, from being born into a dubious line of genetically inclined Trainers, Jockeys and Bookies, was to have a bob each way on the Melbourne Cup. Up until this year that is.

I have never been a lucky person. The only time I ever won a Lottery ended up by my being sent to War. One year, for example I had a dollar each way on 20 horses in the Melbourne Cup. Picking them from the longest odds in the list of runners. Now there is only 23 or 24 horses in the Cup. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out that none of my 20 horses came 1st, 2nd or even 3rd. It cost me a packet and will be an experience never to forget.

I’m so unlucky in everything that if I were to dip my hand into a bag of marbles I’d come up with a second-hand wad of bubblegum.

I’m not even lucky enough to get other people to play by the rules of the game. I am not averse to a little bending but I am to breaking them. When I do point out the error then its only to find out they were playing by one set of rules made up by themselves whilst I was going by the rules as laid down by the founders of the game and they seemed to think their rules were the better and just as legal. If you didn’t like it you could either walk off the field and leave the game or bullied into believing you’d get a punch in the head if you kept it up.

Even when I played Rugby for Randwick I would participate in a bit of bending of the rules such as lurching sideways in a lineout accidentally knocking our opponents off their feet like ninepins, or forcing the Ref to keep counting how many arms were outside the scrum to calculatre how many might be inside bashing the shit out of some opponents face. That’s sport, and sportsmanship with all its niggly little activities like slanging is really part of the game and almost tolerated by Referees.

But a good luck streak has to come my way one day.

For instance I am a member of an association in my local district that is not playing by the rules. Regardless of what I do I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. The Referee doesn’t seem to care about the multitude of breaches in the way the game is run and I worry that a ‘sporting’ organisation has taken to bending them so far that it almost feels like I’m in a totally different game altogether.

What bothers me is that I seem to be the only one who plays by the rules and cannot get the rest of the team to see where they are breaking them. The other players look at me as though I was some sort of eccentric, quizzical looks upon their face when I cite examples of where they are going wrong, or a bloke tolerated just to make pay the annual fee and up the numbers in the team.

I wasn’t able to get my way while I was on the field, so I’m going to give it a go from the sidelines. My team have just packed up their bags and gone home to prepare for the next game, the opponents go into a huddle to work out what dirty tricks they might get up to next, the Referee just keeps reiterating we must play by the rules without doing anything about it and I seem to be left standing in the middle of the oval on my pat malone as if I had just been shat on by a monstrous smelly bird.

Whether it be the Melbourne Cup, playing Rugby, trading in the Money Market (did you know that Westpac pay 2c on the $ U.S less than the publicly quoted price?), Poker Machines, Lotteries, Powerball or the dreaded Footy Tipping I never seem to be able to get a clear run.

Many people around me wonder why I sometimes spend inordinate amounts of free time worrying about how the community runs itself, how democracy is not being seen to be done when it comes to being a member of an organisation, and wonder why I want to see things being run by the rules of the game when our society and its regulators appear to have no interest in ensuring everyone plays by the rules.

Except when losing money very few people give a damn. So I wonder why I shouldn’t just shut up, pull my head in, and

“ Let sleeping Dogs lay “