AS SMOOTH AS SILK

Much to the dismay of some of our readers as to how we find out what goes on about town we do sometimes have to admit that we too make some silly mistakes. One of our more recent episodes, and I use the word we to disguise who we are really talking about, was the day that we repaired our own ride-on mower. Rather than take it down to the expert living near the Sports Arena I decided to have a go at it myself.

The first thing to do was to turn it on its side and watch the petrol spill and stream towards the lit incinerator, of fire I seem to never learn. After that little panic with mop, shovel, sponge, towel and lots of kicking up of dust I was able to also stop the oil from pouring out by shoving a rag down the filler pipe and securing with masking tape. The seat decided to part from its position and the mown grass redirector (whatever its offical name) split assunder. So much for getting the machine into a position to work on it.

Needless to say I did manage to get the revolving thing holding the blades off and I was then able to see to the bearings thing that spun the thing that held the blades that cut the grass. I sometimes amaze myself with my correct usage of technical terms, for example I know a ‘litter’ is both a mess and the thing what stops the wall from falling down on a door.

To cut a long story short I completed the task and righted the machine. I waited at least 24 hours for all the liquid bits to settle back to where they should be and started the mower. Fantastic! As smooth as silk, never sounded so good, perfect balance.
Off I went to cut grass. Trundled along for a while but could not figure out why there was no grass shooting out the back of the mower. Stopped and put stick under to see if blades spinning. Nothing happened. There were no blades on the bloody spinning disc.

I went back to my outdoor workshop with the knowledge that nobody sore my mistake and this time by driving the mower half up on to the trailer was able to crawl underneath and attach the blades. Why did I not think of that before?

OK! Off we go again. A bit rougher riding this time but at least the grass was being cut. To my dismay after about a minute or so I saw out of the corner of my eye what appeared to be an unidentified flying object shoot across the ground towards where the dog had been pooping itself just seconds before. It flew low and was taking the tops off the longer grass as it went finally slamming into a dead tree stump. The mower suddenly ran smooth again.
I stopped the mower and I ambled over to the foreign object to notice that the entire undercarriage had given way and allowed the spinning blades to take off across the ground at a terrifying speed. It was at that moment that I uttered several words that required censoring, jumped back on the mower and promptly took it down to the mower mechanic.

To his dismay he heard me say ‘you can keep the @$&^()*^%# thing’ and stormed off home.

THE FILM SEQUAL TO TAR AND FEATHERS

KATTER AMONGST THE PIGEONS

The Right Wing Leads

ABOUT PROVENANCE AND ALL THAT

If you have watched 'The Collectors' on ABC or 'Antiques Roadshow' on a commercial channel? You have? Then you will have heard of this word.

prov·e·nance  (pr v -n ns,-näns) noun
1. Place of origin; derivation.
2.
a. The history of the ownership of an object, especially when documented or authenticated. Used for artworks, antiques, and books.
b. The records or documents authenticating such an object or the history of its ownership.

Here is a surefire way, if you are a Second-Hand Dealer or the operator of a Craft Shop like Country Comfort, or actually make Handcrafted Goods to enhance your sales, increase interest in local producrs or to add value.

People who buy antiques or home-made products have a real interest in where it came from, it's history, how it was made and who made it. You will also know that good Provenance with an object also increases its value many times over. A handkerchief is just that, but a handkerchief that may have been used by Bill Clinton to mop up stains will have additional value because it's a one off, or at least we hope so.

If you want to increase an objects value, even after its sale to someone else then a photo of the maker (yourself?) and a quick biography along with dates times and places would be a great advantage, especially if the photo is of the person actually making the object at the time.

If you are able to I would suggest if you have any knowledge of an object, even if you still have it at home and don't wish to part with it just yet, that you sit down at your computer, Open a write program and record concisely all that you know about your favourite object. Who made it, when it was made or when and where you acquired it. Any historically accurate data that comes to mind.

Having done that you should print it out and store it somewhere safe, preferably with the object. Pasted to the back of a painting is one place or folded up inside that vase or piece of pottery.

Have you ever tried to describe something and ended up looking more like a Marcel Marceau impersonator. Claiming for Insurance can be a nightmare so if you have any valuable objects then I suggest you extend a Provenance to everything of substance in the house.

If you are computer literate and have a digital camera it is also great for Insurance purposes to have a photo of all your valuables as well. Print out a copy of the provenance, insert the image and file it in a place safe from fire and water damage. Note serial numbers and any other identifying marks (this helps if some miscreant decides they want to relocate your valuables to a Pawn Shop.) I have even thought about committing everything to a USB stick and leaving it with relatives. So might you.

Finally. You might have purchased the object just yesterday. But what happens if it lasts longer than the five years things are made for these days. That empty Pickle Jar you collected rather than recycle will, somewhere, sometime, somehow be worth something to somebody. It has provenance already with the 'Use-by-date'. Good wine and even the rubbish wine come to think of it has a vintage or a bottling date for just that reason. Wine Buffs like me who pay anything up to $6.99 for a good bottle of wine set them aside for later consumption maybe a day or ten years later. The longer you keep wine it will either increase in value or tend to morph into Vinegar.

If you cannot do it yourself then I might suggest that paying me around 10 grand to do it for you might be a bit expensive for you but very advantageous for me.

Do it now or forever regret it after you survey the burnt out wreck that used to be your home.

Buyer be sure BUTCH