Any bureaucratic structure, constantly on guard against being interpreted too literally, needs to develop specific words and phrases that at first sight may appear definite, on second reading may give rise to a different interpretation. This is a protective practice that shifts blame from them onto someone else if things go wrong. In legal circles this gives rise to argue a whole range of different interpretations for one word, which extends the time in court cases and in turn inflates both the egos and wallets of legal practitioners.
There is also the practice to publish documentation so wordy and couched in such legal terminology as to hide – like a needle in a haystack – important salient points – deep within the vowels and consonants. One letter or one number hidden in such a way is a method by which important changes that are unpopular or undemocratic can be slipped through un-noticed. It’s a wonderful way in which corrupt prtactices can be concealed.
Every action has a policy, rule or regulations. The Police Manual in London for example on ‘The Use Of And Maintenance Of Bicycles’ is 93 pages long. These volumes contain millions of words and most normal people are unwilling to read the entire document and as a result things get approved without due consideration or take years to process through the system. My friends at Golden Pains Shire Council are no exception, they can tie you up for three months getting aspproved for an additional wheelie bin.
From time to time we may receive a letter that contain some of these words or phrases.
Courageous - An act we don’t agree with.
Popular - Doesn’t cause too much of a stir, the opposite of which is
Unpopular - Ordinary people like the decision but not your superiors.
Team player - Does what they are told without question. The Captains always right.
Priority -It’s in the In-tray and I might get to it within three months. If it’s Top Priority then it’s at the top of the In-Tray.
Urgent -Its gone to the pending tray and might get done within the month. If it’s Very Urgent it will get done within a month.
Immediate - It’s reached the Pending Tray.
Consider - we will think about it at an appropriate time in the future
Future - if immediate it will be after your next birthday, if near it will happen before you retire, if distant it will be in the next Millennium.
Confidential - Doesn’t go any further than the lunchroom, sometimes the gents toilet cubicle.
Secret - A good word for not providing information. Top Secret nobody has the information.
Commercial in Confidence - Another way not to provide information, usually involves money.
Active - It’s on the desk somewhere.
Actively consider - Someone else has got it on his or her desk.
Matter of time - It’s filed
Filed - It will take a month to find a copy, we threw the original in the waste paper basket.
Archived - Something you’ll never hear about again in your lifetime. The Dead Sea Scrolls were the result of good archiving.
Pending - Endless cycle of inactivity.
Out-tray - Pass on to a higher authority.
Pigeonholed - Great idea for next Century.
Cross-referenced - A way of losing it in several different places.
Intending - We might think about it.
Impending - A decision is imminent.
Imminent - We thought about it but don’t know whether we should tell you.
Implications - We might be blamed.
Legal implications - We are looking for a law that prevents us from being blamed.
Supervision - Someone is watching to see if you get too close to be ethical.
Take On Board - And throw it away on the other side.
Stakeholder - Part of the problem.
Community Partner - Do what your told.
Transparency - Nobody knows its being done.
Accountability - Acquire receipts from anywhere
Counselling - Have been told how to avoid being caught again.
Compliance - Ensure that the customer jumps through the flaming hoops.
Spreading the risk - Ensure that no one person gets the blame
Flexibility - Any answer is bound to be right
Red Tape - Its been bound, gagged and shoved down in the garage.
Flagged - There’s a piece of paper sticking out of the file marking the right place.
Coffee Breaks - Where all the decisions are really made
Gone to a committee - You’ll wait 12 months.
Forming a committee - You’ll wait 3 years.
Considering a committee - Don’t hold your breath.
Consult - We’ll ask the boss.
Consulted - We asked the boss but he has to ask someone else.
Consultants - People that bosses use to create a pretty report that only says what he decided the very moment you asked him.
Meeting - Spending time discussing things not on the agenda.
Case Meeting - Convince them that we are right. Client leaves meeting knowing what you did on the weekend.
Appoint - At least one member of staff will be employed to sit at a desk with the appropriate label.
User Pays - This inevitably means you have to pay to receive a service which will include tea breaks, smoko breaks and time spent playing Solitaire on the computer. Public servants must account for every minute of their day as we taxpayers would expect. As a result tea, smoke and games get lumped together under the heading ‘Research’ and you are charged accordingly. Even complaining can attract a fee if they’re handled right.
Restructuring - a damn good way to put decisions off.
Litigation - Give us a try it’s not our money and we’ll use every bit of it to destroy you whether we’re right or wrong.
The latest and most misleading is the use of the word ‘efficient’.
It will be more efficient really means it will be so complicated nobody will try or it will cost so much nobody with any sense would be able to afford it. It might also mean employing more government staff to make things go faster, staff meetings go quicker or even that steps can be missed that might be informative to the customer. It is a wonderful word that can be misinterpreted any which way one wants and still be right.
Now you can translate the next letter from your local council.
General Counsel
Solicitor for Kebab Cross
